To want to have my DD with me at Christmas, just once?

[wasonthelist]

This will be 4th Christmas since we split. I ask if dd could have Christmas at my house (at least wake up here) every year. Ex refuses every year.

I think it's fair to split Christmas.

We have made arrangements 50/50 Christmas, Ofc I am going to cry my eyes out on Christmas Day but then my Ex would have to face that every year, children would miss out on that special time with him & his side of the family which is also a big part of who she is.

Birthdays are a difficult one for us as we live a fair distance apart and ex cannot just pop around, falls on school days so will be at school all day they can't really just take the time out.

We don't have equal care I do the most of the care it's not practical for us to do 50/50 due to school, but to me it seems important that we split the holidays and both get time with her. The only reasons I could think not to in my position would be me being selfish which wouldn't be fair on children. It doesnt matter how much I might hate the ex he is a good father and children still love to spend time with him and his family.

Children happy to alternate, Tradition is pretty much the same but experience with both families. It was one sided before my family never got the opportunity to spend christmas with them but now both families get to share it.

Yanbu.

But if you want it, you will need to at least try mediation.

Also your gender doesn't matter. Not declaring it or talking round it is fine.

If you're not going to do anything about it I don't think it's unreasonable for your DD to spend more time elsewhere. Children deserve better than passive parenting.

I have no time for the grumbling "don't want to put dd through it" talk. If you love her, fight for her. Don't tear her in half, don't be mean to your Ex about it, don't cry or shout or accuse. But follow the procedures that are there for you and let your daughter know you would like to see her on these days (without guilting her or blaming your ex). Don't let her grow up thinking you aren't interested in spending time with her.

Right, e-mail sent worded along the lines of what anotheremma above said, suggesting mediation.

whois Why is every other year the standard, if for example, the NRP only does every other weekend? Or one weekend in 4?
Why should the RP not get 87% or 93% of Christmases, if they do 87% or 93% of looking after the children (assuming a 30 day month).

Because spending Christmas with your child isn't a 'reward' for being the Resident Parent. My DH would love to have his daughter live with us longer but we are 'not allowed' unless we bankrupt ourselves going to court - does that mean my DH doesn't deserve to have alternate Christmases as his daughter doesn't live us as much as her mother?

Great, glad you find it helpful. Hope your ex agrees, fingers crossed.

Bravo OP! I hope you get the reply you're hoping for

That's good, wason. I hope it turns out well for you.

Good luck.

Wish me luck (if you want) and thanks everyone.

Oh, cross posts, kind souls already wished me luck, thanks.

Feel more than free to update us as well :)

Good luck. YANBU.

I think you should either be allowed every other year or come to an agreement where Xmas is split with one parent having your DS Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 2ish and then the afternoon and Boxing Day with the other (the latter is what we do).

Sorry DD not DS

I'm glad you sent an email and I hope it works.

But I think you need to look at the totality of your situation. Do you pay your child maintenance regularly? Do you contribute extra for additional expenses (camps, music lessons, that sort of thing). Are you flexible with your ex as far as changing days or weekends (as long as you get your time). Do you take time off work to care for the child during school holidays (if needed)? Are you polite at drop offs/pick ups and when you are there in the evening? I'm not saying you are not doing any or all of this or that ex has a good reason for what he/she is doing. Just looking to see if there is a reason ex is being so stubborn other than just wanting every Christmas.

I am not expecting a quick response, I had to remind several times about my initial query about Christmas, but I will update. My suspicion is an attempt may be made to raise it in front of dd. I shall, as I always do, refuse to discuss infront of dd.

Op, we have a similar situation.

Dh's ex has had the kids every christmas, for nearly 10 years now. He gets them boxing day when she's done all the family stuff and wants to go out drinking.

Thing is, it can be pretty impossible, short of going round there christmas eve and forcing the kids to leave. Even if you get a court order, there's rarely a consequence for not following it, and as you say, lots of money (which we don't have) in solicitors.

Boom Boom, what do you suggest we do? Can't afford to force it legally, ex won't budge. How exactly do we fight? Go and grab them?

The ex has a big family and there are lots (and I mean lots- those piles and piles you see on Facebook) of presents. We only do small stocking fillers and a couple of bigger things for each child, plus mum pulls out the teary waterworks so the kids are guilted into staying.

Across The answer is yes to all of those. I pay up on time without fail, pay extra for clubs etc - I did an AIBU recently about this as it happens. I am flexible even when I"lose" time - eg ex booked shows to take dd to on "my" weekends recently without asking me . I took all of recent half term off work to spend with DD. I take her on a summer hol each year (no longer than a week though at ex's request). I am always on time except for exceptional circumstances (had a couple of car breakdowns and stuck in unusual traffic jam once).

I think ex is being stubborn because that's what she does.

you need a lawyer. so what if it costs a load of money? It means that for the rest of your life you have a more equal acess to your DD.

or start with a mediator, and do this properly? mediators are the first recourse before family law anyway so that's the starting point

no you might have her this year but with some ground work you might have a better arrangement in 12 months

get off here and DO something OP

This makes me so sad. In the 7 years we have been separated, my ex has never once asked to have the kids for Xmas. I often have to fight to get him to spend time with them at Xmas at all

I hope your ex sees sense and lets you share DD at Xmas, if there's no 'real' reason why. Has she ever given you a reason?

"So what if costs a load of money"

Are you rich? We don't have the spare cash for the initial appointment. When 25% of your wages go on child maintenance, you pay for hobbies, clothes etc, then have to find your own rent, petrol to see the kids, food, etc, you see how much money you have for a lawyer!

the money we'd spend on a solicitor would all be less money to spend seeing and providing for the kids.

hmm- maybe we could sell the house and pay for a lawyer. Then we wouldn't be able to have them at Christmas anyway.

When has Christmas been about being Christian?

Just for future reference, pointedly gender neutral OPs are overwhelmingly male posters (with a few same-sex relationships thrown in). They irritate me people because it implies that MN is full of women who can't give advice based on the situation but instead are horribly prejudiced and incapable of rational thought.

It immediately puts people's backs up (because the OP then looks like someone who doesn't like women very much) and leads to the other posters confirming the OP's misogyny. Why would an OP post in that way unless women are; not to be trusted; prejudiced, or the worst; his partner posts here and he's looking for ammo.

Just post normally, put a bit about your specific situation and trust the advice. And, yes, you will be questioned. Unfortunately vast swathes of your fellow men don't support their children, don't see them enough and act like enormous knobbers. A lot of the women on here have suffered at their hands. Not their fault they can be a little cynical.

Bambambini ... really?