To want to have my DD with me at Christmas, just once?

[wasonthelist]

This will be 4th Christmas since we split. I ask if dd could have Christmas at my house (at least wake up here) every year. Ex refuses every year.

i disagree a bit i think. my ex had an affair and left us for OW, If he had kids at (alternate) xmases, he would have OW and kids on xmas morning and I'd have no-one ( no other family) Every year, I'd drive the kids to XP and OW mid afternoon and pick them up on boxing day/day after and then come home and cry.

We don't know the whole story, it's entirely possible that your ex is being absolutely reasonable.

where does your dd want to spend christmas?

This is a very good q. I have never asked her because I don't want to raise expectations I can't fulfil. Ex has never asked because it's a given.

YANBU, and your gender is irrelevant.

How often do you see your DD? I think that is important. If you only have contact once every now and then, then I can see why your ex would find it unfair for you to get all of the 'nice' bits but none of the harder bits of parenting.

If for example, you have your DD for a full weekend twice a month or so, then YANBU to want Xmas every third year or so.

I think you should only get every other Xmas if you have 50:50 custody personally, but others may disagree.

What does your dd want, OP? You don't mention her wishes at all.

And how much time do you spend with her in a usual week?

There was no affair, there are no new partners either side.

Well at least it stops people screeching "the replies would be different if the genders were reversed". I've read that so many times it's ridiculous.

My post was in reply to abbie

No YANBU as everyone has said.

However you refuse to do anything about it by even seeking legal advice, let alone taking action, so I guess that's it.

I take her to school two mornings. Two (other) afternoons I collect her and take her to ex's, make a meal for us and put her to bed. She is with me alternate weekends.

Please don't put your dd on the spot by asking her, that's a really horrible suggestion. Poor kid

Every other Christmas is the usual even my (completely erratic/ unreliable nrp ex stuck to that). As for the RP being on their own. It's once every other year and I used to (remarried to a man who usually works) spend it with friends. To be honest we usually have friend/s with us on the day. It's not really about what either parent experiences. It's so the children can enjoy family time with their WHOLE family in their life.

Ad-hoc meaning you rarely bother to see your dd and then expect to have her for Christmas Day just because it suits you

Sorry, I meant ad-hoc as opposed to court sanctioned. I see my dd very regularly with a consistent pattern (see above).

Why is every other year the standard, if for example, the NRP only does every other weekend? Or one weekend in 4?

Why should the RP not get 87% or 93% of Christmases, if they do 87% or 93% of looking after the children (assuming a 30 day month).

Please don't put your dd on the spot by asking her, that's a really horrible suggestion. Poor kid

Another good reason I never asked her.

YANBU but you will probably have to go the legal route if you want to push it. With your current arrangement your ex can just keep saying no.

Op's gender is irrelevant, this is about what is fair for the child and both parents. I think you need to broach this subject with your ex, and stipulate you will go down a formal route if you have to.

Just realised the op could be interpreted as me asking for every year - I would be (very) happy to alternate.

What would make DD happiest and what is logistically possible?

I wonder what the atmosphere is like between you and ex all year round. In general the more willing you are to compromise on things, the more likely s/he is going to be about special occasions.

How old is your DD? Is she old enough to voice an opinion? However things stand between you and your ex it shouldn't affect your role as caring parents.

I can see you would love to have this happen, but if your ex feels they do all the donkey work during the year s/he will see it as in some small way a reward especially while DD is young enough to still believe in Santa.

Do you at least split the day itself so both parties see DD? If it's not possible to spend an hour round there seeing her open some gifts at least pick DD up at say, 2pm?

If you are sketchy on contact and/or on poor terms all year round then it is not surprising.

My kids were always with me for christmas until my ex started pulling his weight more. For the last 5 years, its been alternate because things are pretty much 50:50. I think thats fair. If you want half the good bits, you have to do half of the work.

Go to court.

Could you try mediation first? It sounds like your ex is not willing to negotiate, in which case it could be a waste of time, but might be worth suggesting as an option.
ie The contact arrangement for Christmas is not working for me, would you be willing to try mediation? If not I think we need to get a formal contact agreement.
Something along those lines might prevent your ex feeling like you've given them no option but to go to court (although you would be within your rights to do that).

I've always had my DD at Christmas because XH will never have her in the school holidays and dropped contact when it suited. I figured if I did all the work all year round why should I miss out on Christmas.

The first year he left, I offered him Boxing Day but he chose to go to a football match instead. I didn't offer again.

If you have regular contact then Christmas should be every other or one in three maybe.

To a certain extent I can understand you wanting to keep you dc protected but the rest of it you are being massively passive, start asking early, put it in writing etc, it's not going to fall into your lap but you are shooting down every reasonable suggestion

Dd is 7. They are going to exs brothers to stay over for Christmas this year. Although I am on speaking terms with him, I can hardly invite myself there (and it would be a min 5 hour round trip)

Yanbu. Does ex give you any reason, at all? I can understand why you don't want to rock the boat, but are you prepared to sit back and take it until your DD is free to drive herself to yours for Christmas?