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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have my DD with me at Christmas, just once?

173 replies

wasonthelist · 12/11/2015 12:38

This will be 4th Christmas since we split. I ask if dd could have Christmas at my house (at least wake up here) every year. Ex refuses every year.

OP posts:
OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 13/11/2015 13:14

Going by what you've said your ex seems to be very... is volatile the right word? It can't be easy to feel as though you must tread on eggshells with her or face 'consequences'.

I hope for your DD's sake this manages to get resolved. It can't be nice being pulled in different directions like this - but of course that doesn't mean you give up, it means she needs to compromise. DD isn't just hers. What a difficult situation.

Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 13:29

Thanks Ostentatious - Your description is apt, but she's also very clever at being goady to try and provoke a reaction, I've had to train myself not to get sucked in, but it's wearing. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I don't know how she will explain to dd why I am not staying as long. As you say, it's rough on DD at times, and I really don't want that for her.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/11/2015 13:31

wason

I think you do need lawyers now. I feel for everyone but an involved parent should not be "punished" for wanting access

Do shop around for a lawyer BTW, and wishing you best

Mehitabel6 · 13/11/2015 13:41

I would see your solicitor. I would think that you stand a very good chance of alternate Christmases. I know a man who fought it recently - the ex had the reason that she would be upset not to wake up with their DC in Christmas morning!! Nothing to do with the child at all- all about her. She lost her case (hardly surprising as she didn't have one).

Micah · 13/11/2015 13:43

What I don't get is why o/p should have to spend his money, possibly go with out, sacrifice his pension (as pp suggested) and his (and his child's) future security because his ex won't allow him access for any good reason.

It puts all the power in her hands doesn't it? She can say yes or no to access on her own whim, with no loss to herself.

Cabrinha, it's not "odd", no. She is holding the strings, if it suits her to have her ex round, she can. Dh's ex has all sorts of "rules" - she applies them when it suits her.

Mehitabel6 · 13/11/2015 13:53

Of course he shouldn't have to spend his money but if you get a parent who won't put the child first that is what happens. The person I wrote about got the sensible judgements of alternative Christmases,but it cost him a lot.

Micah · 13/11/2015 14:00

So why can't the judge make the unreasonable party at least split legal costs, if not pay for them entirely?

Might make someone who is being awkward for the hell of it think twice, and it might open up the legal route to some parents who can't afford it..

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 13/11/2015 14:04

Yes, just go to court now, and it's likely you'll have her for Christmas next year. Your ex sounds like she'll have you jumping through hoops for a decade. It might be expensive, but at least then it's done.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 14:06

In BILs case he paid for mediation - his ex didn't turn up 3 times. Then he paid tongi to court. She's had legal representation throughout and it's cost her nothing (legal aid because she fraudulently said there had been violence when there hadn't). BIL couldn't afford a lawyer and represented himself. If the judge had split the legal costs his ex wouldn't have been required to pay anything because she knows exactly how to milk the system is allegedly penniless. Hmm

Mehitabel6 · 13/11/2015 14:10

I don't think that you are allowing for totally unreasonable people who play the system, Micah. Not turning up in court seems to be a common delaying tactic.

Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 14:11

Jusg had an explanation for my new access restrictions - it is so ex "can feel comfortable in my own home jntil all this solicitor nonsense is sorted out" Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 14:12

You lot aren't filling me with confidence about an outcome here.

OP posts:
NKFell · 13/11/2015 14:15

Well I think there has to be a positive outcome for you op

It just seems so unfair. You definitely need to keep a cool head.

Never argue with fools because people from a distance can't tell who's who!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2015 14:35

As far as explaining to DD why you are leaving earlier if DD asks you, you tell her the truth, that Mummy has said you cannot stay.

I suggest you write down what you'd like for visits and have it ready for him/her. Give consideration to regular time as well as holidays, birthdays, and school vacation time. Remember that unless you take time off you may or will be required to find and pay for childcare during your time (i.e. if you have her, say, 2 weeks during summer). And no more evenings at your ex's, I think the atmosphere will be pretty toxic plus I'm sure she will say that you have to have her away from her house. Could you do a midweek overnight at your home and you take her to school the next day? Remember to consider your work schedule. And remember that your ex will NOT be flexible once this is set in place, so you're going to want to try to work in a 'swap clause' (i.e. if she wants to cancel your weekend or overnight because of a party or such that you get an alternate weekend). If you can get this all written down and present it to your lawyer it may save valuable time as well as him/her being able to tell you right off the bat if it's reasonable or not.

Good luck with the lawyer. I think you can expect your ex to revoke your contact time once she realizes that you are taking her to court. You need to talk to the lawyer about that, too.

Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 14:41

I would be happy with things as they are all I want is a Christmas or two added in.

OP posts:
Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 14:47

Bringing DD to my house on scnool night is entirely possible but we have avoided it for dd's sake as it's 30-45 mins drive which makes an early start for the mornings (do-able of course and I do it already the days I travel over to take her). I work at home so have some flexibility. Covering my work trips away woukd seem most problematic.

OP posts:
itsmine · 13/11/2015 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asteria36 · 13/11/2015 15:06

This all sounds very familiar! DH went for a contact order and it was surprisingly reasonable - the courts did push for mediation but as your ex has already refused that should help your case. If you get advice from a solicitor and then do the family court but yourself you will save a fortune. It is entirely doable. DH managed to get everything that he wanted and he didn't have to fork out for the swanky barrister that his ex tipped up with!!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2015 15:36

But things as they are are not going to happen. A judge is not going to order your ex to have you in her house, so the evenings at hers are not going to continue. As far as your work trips, you'll have to figure that one out.

I'm not trying to be mean, but just that you need to realize that your ex is not going to make this easy on you, she's going to block you at every turn and that you'll have to have thought of contingency plans.

Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 15:59

Not sure I want to do this if it's just going to make everything worse - what's the point in that?

OP posts:
Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 16:10

Thanks Asteria that's a good shout.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2015 16:33

I think 'worse' is relative, wason. Right now you are at her mercy. If she decides that she doesn't want you to see DD there really isn't anything you can do about it (other than go to court then as opposed to now). Right now, she holds all the cards. Witness her stopping the evenings to 'punish' you. What will it be next?

I think you need to think of it as 'short term pain for long term gain'. It can only benefit your DD to have a legally ordered contact schedule. Something that provides stability for DD and takes away your ex's ability to jerk you around and deprive your DD of her father.

You also need to realize that if you decide not to pursue this after you have told your ex and she has 'punished' you, that you can expect her to yank contact every time you cross some imaginary line. She wants to you fund a trip to Disneyland for her and DD….pay or no seeing DD. She wants to up your child support to $10000.00/month…..pay or no seeing DD. She wants you to buy DD a pony…….pay or no seeing DD. I realize these are unrealistic demands, but I think you get my drift.

Original poster
wasonthelist · 13/11/2015 16:57

Actually, she holds all the cards anyway. There is zero enforcement. However my hope is a legal interevention might make her a little more reasonable as she does consider herself generally law-abiding.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/11/2015 17:00

I haven't seen 3 of my children on Christmas day ever. I am the RP.

Before their fathers death he always took them for December to his family abroad and after the arangement continued because it was the right thing to do,it was and still is their special time with family that they could only see at certain times throughout the year.

Some of my children only spend Christmas day (again I'm RP) with me because that is one of two occasions each year that it is possible to go and see various members of my family their other parent disagreed with this but the court ordered it because they can see his family all the time they are with dad if he wanted to and both extended families are important.

Often different things are best for different children and there is no shame in seeking help to work out what is likely to be best for yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2015 17:12

When you say there's 'zero enforcement' isn't that because there's nothing to enforce or do you mean in the future even with a court order?

Not sure where you are, but where I am there are penalties for violating a court visitation order up to and including forfeiture of custody and/or jail time.

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