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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ways in which your life has *NOT* been destroyed since having children.

269 replies

Sortedforcheeseandwizz · 10/11/2015 15:10

Are there any?! Can anyone tell me one thing that makes life with children better/happier/nicer than life before? (Or more than one, if you’re feeling particularly chipper today..)

Doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful, can be anything, big or small!

A combination of social media and a lot of "Just you wait!" people in my life has meant I'm starting to believe that motherhood is horrific and unmanageable. (Some big decisions ahead and having a wobble…)

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 11/11/2015 13:50

The language Minipie uses really resonates with me - my old life was well and truly 'torpedoed'.

And this is a tough process to go through because no one fully prepares you for it, our society gives you no outlet to 'mourn' it and no one talks about it, making you feel like you alone find this transition hard.

However, what I gradually came to realise is that my new life is infinitely richer, more full of love, warmth, happiness than I could have dreamed of before children. I could give you a million examples, but I'll content myself with the joy of playing 'lo, lo, lo the boat' at 6am this morning with my son in our PJs. And hearing DS's soft little voice demanding 'mor, mor, mor'.

And although I still occasionally hanker for my child-free life - I realise now that I just want a temporary return. Because it feels a lot more shallow and unsatisfying than the life I have now.

It seems to me that motherhood breaks you down and then builds you up anew. It's both traumatising and enriching in a way that I can't begin to explain. And I think mothers-to-be get the rough end of the deal sometimes, because those who have been through it try to 'prepare' you with their well meaning advice - but can't possibly capture the complexity of the emotional response to new parenthood.

Xenadog · 11/11/2015 15:15

People have mentioned the love you feel for you child and there really is no other love like it. I would kill and be killed for my DD. There is no one else on this planet I can say that about.

Spontaneous hugs are amazing as well. The other week I went to collect DD from nursery and I was late - for me. There were just a handful of children waiting to go home and another little girl came up to me and said "my mummy." My DD then shouted, "No not your mummy. MY mummy!" several times. That feeling of belonging to and with DD was so intense. Plus it was the first time she had spoken in proper sentences.

Having said all of this there are times when I really, really miss my old life. It was so much easier in every respect and I never had to think about anyone else really. Like most parents I've made sacrifices but I would never give up my daughter to have what I used to have. She really is my world.

catlover97 · 11/11/2015 15:43

Re-reading all the old classics from childhood...Famous Five, Roald Dahl plus some newbies like Harry Potter. They're great! Many a time I'd carry on reading with DS fast asleep!

FixItUpChappie · 11/11/2015 16:02

My children are the joy of my life. There is not one day good, bad or otherwise where I have not understood this with absolute clarity.

HappySeven · 11/11/2015 16:07

Do you remember those early days/months of a relationship when you're properly in love and everything the other person does is clever and funny? In fact, just seeing them makes your heart smile. Having kids is like that.

OracleofDelphi · 11/11/2015 16:15

Ugh I hate the haters with these thing.... On and on it goes just you wait / you wont know whats hit you .... its so depressing. Obviously children are hard work and it goes on far longer than you imagine when thinking of having a baby, but here just a few things that I love.

Cuddles - constantly on tap (mine are almost 8 and 7 and no sign of them abating)
Christmas is amazing
Feeling like I belong ... im their mum no matter what else happens, and that's hard to remember sometimes, but I will always be their mum no matter what and that sense of belonging is wonderful
Biscuits - oh our biscuit tin is always full now
Teaching them things that you love and seeing them love it too
Silly things like mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows, jumping in leaves, doing handstands in the park, making daisy chains, - its amazing how all the stress of modern life evaporates when you are sat in a field on a sunny day with a little one next to you engrossed in daisy chain making.
Before I had kids I was far more impulsive, less patient, more angry, less caring. Having children has taught me to be far kinder than anything else that has ever happened to me.
Oh and watching them grow into amazing people and thinking - wow I did that - it really cant get better than that

HPsauciness · 11/11/2015 16:44

The other thing you also realise as your children get older is that although early on it may appear your life is somewhat destroyed, this is only a short period, in fact, it goes remarkably quickly. Now I have slightly older children, I have a similar career, social life, weekends to my settled down friends who don't have children, with slightly less energy to spend on myself. That destroyed phase is really not that long and certainly not the rest of your life.

M1ssunderstood · 11/11/2015 17:22

Having a study buddy in eldest DS(12) as I am taking evening class same time he is learning new subject at secondary. He does expect me to know it all though! Younger DS (10) into a hobby which i can accompany him to. Someone to be interested in family history as it's their history too now I am the most senior generation (no grandparents, or older relatives on my side).

yorkshapudding · 11/11/2015 17:37

I've had the most horrendous day at work today. It was just one of those days where you feel like you've given 110% but nothing has gone right due to circumstances completely beyond your control. Anyway, I arrived home (tired, fed up and an hour later than I should be) and I could hear two year old DD shouting "MUMEEEEE!" and squealing with excitement as I was turning my key in the lock. When I opened the door she immediately threw herself at me and gave me a great big cuddle . Every time I come home she greets me like I've been away for years, even if I've just popped to the shop. It's the best thing ever.

Discofairypants · 11/11/2015 17:48

Watching them sleep, teaching them new things, their sense of humour, the look of pure love in their eyes whenever they look at you.

I love not having to make excuses for a cosy Saturday night in, as I have a beautiful little person that's all mine, sleeping soundly upstairs, knowing that mummy and daddy are just downstairs.

She may only be 3 but my golly, she's my bestest bud ever!

JustDanceAddict · 11/11/2015 19:14

Cuddling a sleepy baby, the relief after bedtime(!), the love (as they get older), excuse to eat crap like jammy dodgers and leftovers at children's parties (these days have gone for me..), having great relationship with them as they get older. The funny stuff they come out with - DS is 11 and still coming out with classics!!

JustDanceAddict · 11/11/2015 19:16

Also they can enhance your social life as you will meet new parents at the school gate if you are lucky! Worst stage for me was when DD was a baby and then again when DS was a toddler.

Cleanermaidcook · 11/11/2015 19:38

you can legitimately watch kids films at the cinema and buy all the disney ones for at home
Cuddling your child is MILES BETTER than anything in the world
you can play ker plunk, buckaroo - any of them any time
9 months to a year off work on maternity leave
you can read the magic faraway tree again and any other kids books
when your child is a baby you get to nap in the day (although you neve get to sleep at night properly ever again)
colouring books

jamtartandcustard · 11/11/2015 19:38

Being able to see and appreciate the tiny details in life.
Walking home from preschool at lunch time today my 3 year old was fascinated by the leaves, marvelling at all the colours, and the excited me had when he found a red one as red is his favourite colour. Without children, it's just a bunch of leaves, with children it's just magical.

jamtartandcustard · 11/11/2015 19:39

excitement he had
One day I will learn to proof-read posts before posting ;-)

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 11/11/2015 20:04

HopLittleBunny

The jokes. Hands down for me right now, its the nonsensical, absurd 'jokes'. Like "why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg ate a seagull made of glitter"

I read this joke to DH and DD2.5. We all laughed a lot. Your DC is awesome at original comedy :)

Dot33 · 11/11/2015 20:56

This thread has made me smile all day :)

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first and can't wait for the fun to begin!

DuchessOfWeaseltown · 11/11/2015 21:02

Lovely thread.

minipie has said it perfectly (and hello minipie, congrats on the second baby, we 'spoke' a few times about the hellish sleep issue with our now-3 year olds a few times when I was using a different name! Hope the baby is a better sleeper than your DD!)

I think I had a very odd sort of period of mourning for my old life when I had DD. Nothing like pnd and I didn't struggle to bond with her or anything but it really hit me hard how little autonomy I now had over my life. And I was prepared for this (as much as I could be) - it wasn't like I was fondly imagining it would be nothing but newborn snuggles and wafting violins. Still, it hit me like a bolt of lightning and I was, with hindsight, very rocked by it for several months. I adored my old life, was late having DD after just being us (me and DH) in a very long and happy rel/ship and I was selfish with my time. Long lie-ins, weekend naps, spontaneous dinner plans. I worked from home too so was always happy pottering on my own, having nobody to answer to.

Like minipie says, I would never want to go back to that now!! (and trust me, you couldn't have loved your old life more than I loved mine)

Yes, it was a huge adjustment (torpedo imagery works well!) BUT - once that adjustment had taken place, I couldn't honestly go back there for more than a couple of days. It would seem so... empty. Futile. Lonely. Pointless.

As for the wonderful things about having a (now almost 3 yo) DD: can I just say (if nobody else already has?) - SKIN!!! Her skin is so so so perfect, I want to stroke it ALL the time. Her perfect soft little cheek, her smooth hands, her warm tummy. This might sound weird but I am seriously hoping other parents know what I mean! She is almost edible, her skin is so impossibly perfect.

Her gappy smile - I have NO time these days and yet somehow I find myself wasting 15 mins at a time looking through recent (and less recent) pics of her on my phone just because I love her smile so much Blush

Cuddles. They've slightly diminished in frequency recently which I am devastated about but fortunately she is still a major cuddle monster, jsut on her terms these days. If I did nothing for the rest of my life but cuddle her, that would suit me just fine (and I am an ambitious sort of person, honestly!)

Rediscovering stuff, as other posters have mentioned, that you used ot love as a child.

Cliched and icky sounding, perhaps, but seeing the world through (your) child's eyes is the best feeling in the world and honestly does make everything feel fresh and exciting and not jaded.

Dosney movies, as other have said Wink

Feeling needed. It's a thing I used to hate and it used to make me feel burdened and trapped. Not with DD.

Kids books are (mostly) good to incredible.

The cuteness. Confusions they make with words and ideas. Watching their little brains ticking over when they meet a new concept or idea or person.

Oh, and SKIN!!!! SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN, I tell you.

If it helps OP I was not broody before my DD, wasn't a massive fan of children per se (didn't dislike them but wasn't fussed) and it took me years and years to reluctantly decide I should probably try this. So I get where the doubts come from. But if someone like me can become evangelical on this, I wouldn't worry.

Oh and ignore the miseries who want to point out all the bad stuff. We have plenty of bad days too (and I had a non sleeper) but it all works out HUGELY to the good.

DuchessOfWeaseltown · 11/11/2015 21:03

sorry that was epic. Skin, basically, is what I mainly wanted to say. Blush

SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 11/11/2015 21:10

Living with my teen DS is like living with a hormonal jobless flatmate, but he's bloody brilliant.

Without him - when he's out or on hols with his dad - my life (and the house) feels empty and bereft and without purpose or structure.

But he's funny and handsome and independent and stroppy and boring and obsessed with gaming but we are identical. When we went to watch the Foo Fighters, we bonded like a proper team, and ignored my DP completely whilst in our own little world.

Toria2014 · 11/11/2015 21:18

Having my DD was the best decision I ever made. She is awesome and fills my soul with joy. I have never felt love like I feel for her. She is my world. The most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Cuddles, laughter, smiles, her warm breath on my cheek, her little head resting on my shoulder. Heaven.

I sometimes struggle with my new life, being a sahm is a bit tedious, and I miss my freedom. My DD is 16 months old. It fills me with excitement to think of the adventures that lie ahead and my old life is a small price to pay.

jollyfrenchy · 11/11/2015 21:34

Kids make you realise how unimportant most of the stuff you spent your time worrying about before was.

Plus no-one will ever love or need you in the same way, or make you laugh as much.

They constantly surprise and amaze you, and you can remind yourself you made this amazing new person.

Definitely now mine are a bit older I am loving sharing films/books etc that I loved as a kid with them.

Pyjamaramadrama · 11/11/2015 21:37

The bits when they're asleep.

No really, being a parent can be very hard and tiring but it's the most rewarding, beautiful, amazing thing I've ever done. They make me so proud.

They're a great excuse for getting out of things you don't want to do.

Bumpasaurusmumma · 11/11/2015 21:38

Seeing your baby smile at you for the first time.

Watching your husband/partner show you a side you've not seen before and being an amazing daddy.

Cuddles... Lots of them!

Woolyheads · 11/11/2015 21:38

I love that DS laughs. In his sleep.