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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed with DP for saying I love you too much?

357 replies

hotlinesling · 09/11/2015 22:12

Every single time I catch DPs eye he tells me he loves me and/or kisses me. Every single text message he declares his love. In person, if I don't reciprocate he says 'I do...I do...' repeatedly until I say it or - more usually - change the subject. The most annoying one is in the morning. He leaves for work an hour before the dc and I need to get up. He can't help himself and always has to whisper I love you before leaving. This 9/10 times wakes the baby. Am I being a heartless cow for wishing he'd stop or am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 00:09

Weather, have you been reading that EvoPsych bollocks ?

ConsciousPilot · 10/11/2015 00:09

OP, is it possible your DPs behaviour is a reflection of his having special needs?

Seeyounearertime · 10/11/2015 00:12

seeyou shoes?? No, swap that for boots.... It's Autumn now
Now you're talking. Knee high, flat, with a good grip. Thick socks to keep toes cosy.

I saw a pair yesterday in debenhams, black, knee highs elastic to the backnfor comfort, two buckles. Gorgeous. Had to slap my hand and remember saving for Xmas. Sad

But I digress.... Get back to thinking about food, sex and one other.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 00:18

See you want to get yourself over to Style and Beauty

Black knee highs are soooo 2012 Smile

MumOnTheRunAgain · 10/11/2015 00:19

Football? Golf? Fishing?.... Or just 'sport'

Seeyounearertime · 10/11/2015 00:23

Black knee highs are soooo 2012

Noooooooooo. Sad

Grin
Absentmindedwoman · 10/11/2015 01:42

Wow, this man is getting a roasting Grin

It is very unreasonable to wake a sleeping baby, and in your last posts about personal space that seems to show carelessness when it comes to respecting your needs.

But -

if it was solely about all the 'I love yous', I don't think that is always a red flag of a selfish needy fucker! When I've been in love (ages ago for me, sadly) I used to say it a lot, sometimes lots of times a day, because it was like I kept having my breath taken away at the sheer wonderfulness of the person I was with and had to urgently convey to them how my heart was about to burst with love for them - sorry if that makes everyone sick Grin I would have said it in the mornings when we woke up, and snuggling on the couch, and in the post-sex haze where everything is dreamy and perfect, or when apart in texts or on the phone...ah, I'm all nostalgic now Grin

Tneconni · 10/11/2015 01:44

TBF all the posters who whinge about AF being such a nob would have a point if she weren't, y'know, consistently excellent re: abusive shitheads and they weren't constantly spouting sexist bullshit.

Senpai · 10/11/2015 03:14

You say you ignore him. But have you talked directly to him?

As obvious at it may seem to you he may not be aware that the "I love you"s themselves are bugging you and not something else he did.

When DD was born if she wasn't clinging on me, DH was. I lasted all of three weeks before I snapped at him and let him know that having to be affectionate was just one more chore on my list of things I had to do for everyone but myself. He was a bit taken aback, and since then has made sure to take DD for a couple hours so I can have some personal space and free time, and lets me initiate touching. Generally when I've had my own space and time to myself, I'm more in the mood for affection innocent or otherwise.

It just didn't occur to him that I was annoyed by the space invasion instead of something else he did. Now we're better at communicating when I'm feeling at the bottom of my glass and he's better about expressing love by giving me a break instead of smothering me.

Anyway, I guess it depends on what else he does, and if he respects your wishes otherwise. If it's an innocent mistake he'll correct it once he knows you want it to stop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2015 03:52

It's not the 'I love you"s. It's the waking the baby when you've been told, expecting a response every time you say it, the implied shittiness around the house so the protestations seen hollow.

When you have a small baby who is on you the whole time, it is very difficult not to have any personal, physical space. I just needed a break from being needed and touched all the time. Luckily DH got that.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/11/2015 04:19

Nobody has some sort of magic insight into whether this man is controlling or not. They're judging him purely on his own behaviour - and whether or not they personally would tolerate it.

He sounds deeply annoying to me. It's not the sort of behavioue I would ever tolerate, let alone enjoy, from a partner. Some women are willing to tolerate a lot more shit than others, for a variety of reasons.

And it's not 'man-hating' to have a low tolerance threshold for shit behaviour. Hmm Where does this idea come from? Unless you think all men behave badly, and this is all we women can expect, in which case, you're the man-hater. Personally, the men I know, all behave far better than this annoying speciman, without even breaking a sweat.

What I don't understand is - surely he has always been like this? So why is it a problem now?

Senpai · 10/11/2015 05:15

So why is it a problem now?

I don't think it matters why it's now a problem, when it wasn't before. It doesn't change the fact that it is a problem now so it needs to stop. It could be as simple as she has a baby and needs a break from answering to other people's needs. She is entitled to that.

The OP needs to tell her DP to cut it out and he needs to respect that. He is an adult and is capable of adapting the changing situation.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/11/2015 05:24

Well, it is a problem somewhat - is this who he is, who he's always been? Then the OP is being more than a little unreasonable to expect him to change himself for her. If he's the demonstrative type, and always has been, that's his personality and surely she knew that.

If he's suddenly switched to being needy and insecure, then what's causing it?

This is a basic compatibility issue - of the sort the determines whether someone's a life partner or not, and is usually decided fairly early on the game.

The OP is finding it really off-putting - surely it's an inevitable question as to whether it's a recent change in behaviour, and if not, then why it's more of a problem now when it wasn't in the past.

BathshebaDarkstone · 10/11/2015 05:38

YABU. It's lovely.

Senpai · 10/11/2015 05:49

Well, it is a problem somewhat - is this who he is, who he's always been? Then the OP is being more than a little unreasonable to expect him to change himself for her.

Ok. DH has a high sex drive. Before babies we would hump like little bunnies all the time. After baby, I wasn't in the mood because... well, babies.

The situation changed and we needed to change with it.

It would be stupid to tell a woman to continue having the same amount of sex even though she's feeling depleted and exhausted with a new baby.

Why is this any different?

He was a certain way when there were different circumstances. Now the circumstances have changed and he needs to adapt. It could have been fine before because there was no baby to wake and the OP had more emotional resources on hand. Now there is a baby and she is feeling depleted, so he needs to stop. It's that simple.

She is entitled to her own body autonomy and that includes getting some space when she needs it, and having a partner that respects that. It doesn't matter if she enjoyed being touched before, she doesn't now. Your argument is a little too rape apologist for my tastes. She is not obligated to put up and shut up simply because she liked the touching previously.

If I always ate shellfish and then developed a shellfish allergy (true story btw), it would be stupid to continue eating shellfish simply because "that's what I've always done and it was fine then". It would be up to me to change and adapt to the situation.

If he's suddenly switched to being needy and insecure, then what's causing it?

That's up to them to both figure out and in the meantime he still needs to stop.

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 06:00

He certainly sounds annoying and suffocating. The worst is when you start to resent someone when you know they are trying to be nice.

Have you talked to him about it very clearly? In my experience, people detect that they are being swatted away and respond with even more affection to try to get it given back.

But I agree about Any Fucker's posts. You went from 0 to man trashing almost instantly. Reading them sounds like you are egging yourself on.

Maybe you enjoy it, but is it helpful? We all know how you enjoy analysing other people's behaviour, so I am sure that you won't mind being asked to examine your own.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/11/2015 06:07

YABU. It's lovely

It's really not

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/11/2015 06:08

But it doesn't sound like you have spelled it out to him?

Also lay off anyfucker, as usual she's spot on here.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/11/2015 06:39

FFS, 'rape apologist'?!

I have already said I wouldn't tolerate this - I wouldn't have tolerated it from the get go, let alone years into the relationship - and that I think he is being needy and, yes, controlling.

In all honesty, I think this is deal-breaker territory, i.e. not 'put up and shut up' territory. Hmm You can't expect people to change their entire personality - that's when you call it a day and leave them to it. Life is way too short to suffer this sort of idiocy.

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 07:05

'as usual she's spot on here.'

Do you know the OP's partner?

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/11/2015 07:23

The OP herself said AF was spot on at 23:09.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/11/2015 07:28

I can see how it gets too much, but there's probably a women or man getting the shit kicked out of them and or getting mentally abused by their dps, who. Would give anything to be in your position. I think it's vital you don't forget how extremely fortunate you are to have a dp who worships the ground you walk on.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 10/11/2015 07:41

Sounds way too needy for me.

A friend of mine (male) used to have to tell his DP that he loved her ten times or more a day. She would ask
"do you love me" repetitively.

Some people just seem to be very needy and insecure.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/11/2015 07:46

This is just horrible behaviour. He isn't doing one thing to make op happy, he is off loading his own neediness. He probably tells himself how damn
romantic he is. Op, tell him, very clearly. Do not whisper in my ear in the morning, get him to repeat this clear instruction back to you to check he really understands.

I'd also target him 10 love youe a day, obviously you can reduce over time.

You show love by treating someone as a human being. This is just grim.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/11/2015 07:51

He doesn't though, does he? His declarations have a single purpose: the feeding of HIS psyche against the wishes of his victim, while putting her to inconvenience. The man's a twat.

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