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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DP for saying I love you too much?

357 replies

hotlinesling · 09/11/2015 22:12

Every single time I catch DPs eye he tells me he loves me and/or kisses me. Every single text message he declares his love. In person, if I don't reciprocate he says 'I do...I do...' repeatedly until I say it or - more usually - change the subject. The most annoying one is in the morning. He leaves for work an hour before the dc and I need to get up. He can't help himself and always has to whisper I love you before leaving. This 9/10 times wakes the baby. Am I being a heartless cow for wishing he'd stop or am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/11/2015 07:53

That was to Iliveinalightouse btw.

wheelsonabus · 10/11/2015 07:57

It would do my head in too. You're getting some much needed kip after bf baby all night and he wakes you up by repeatedly saying I love you until you respond.

How do you respond? Do you feel you can be honest with him and tell him that you don't want him to wake you up and he can get to? Or do you just say 'I love you' to get rid of him? Because that would explain the dynamic you have here. Either you are able to tell him what you like/don't like and he responds like a kind person and stops doing it ....

or you are unable to because he responds like an unkind person and 'gets hurt' by your 'rejection' or gets angry. The latter is someone who is too selfish to care about how you feel about what they want. In which case you are likely to have other problems than the I love you's and invasion of space.

Roussette · 10/11/2015 08:20

Imagine if this was a woman following her DH around saying this day in day out? He'd be beside himself.

I find the words "I love you" can be pretty meaningless. Pre DH, the boyfriends who kept declaring "I love you" incessantly then went on to behave very badly so I only hold store by actions and deeds, not words. I've been married for decades now, my DH does not need to declare his love for me, I know it.

I couldn't stand even one day of "I love you's" from this wet needy man. He would be locked up in the shed with the rats. Seriously.

RoboticSealpup · 10/11/2015 08:29

He wakes the baby !!! Shock Who the fuck wakes a baby, for any reason other than the house is on fire? That's not even remotely loving, that's extremely selfish and needy and he needs to bloody stop.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 10/11/2015 08:29

As usual there are some posts here projecting people's own issues and feelings about expressing emotions.

Let's stick to the facts, OP doesn't want to be touched constantly and told "I love you" umpteen times a day. She doesn't want the baby being woken for the sake of her DH telling the baby he loves him/her. She has expressed her desire for him to back the fuck up and give her some space and her DH is ignoring her wishes. How anyone can think that's ok is Confused

OP you need to spell it out to him that you need space, but try to do it kindly. He sounds incredibly needy and insecure and he may respond to hostility by upping his displays of affection. He must understand your right to personal space.

I really hope this is a case of two people adjusting to having a new baby and all the emotions that come with that, but I am concerned about his apparent lack of adaptability once you've communicated your desire for space.

UnGoogleable · 10/11/2015 08:32

Op his behaviour is not on.

It's one thing to say 'I love you' a bit too much, to the point that it becomes a bit meaningless (I'm guilty of this). It's quite another to behave in this controlling, desperately attention demanding way.

I think he's competing for your attention with the baby. Whispering constantly in your ear until you wake up in the morning, with no regard to how it might wake the baby and disturb your sleep is not demonstrating love, it's demonstrating his demands to satisfy his needs.

Rather than hint to him that the baby woke up just after his whispering, I think you ought to spell it out for him - "When you do that, it wakes the baby. I need my sleep. DO NOT DO IT AGAIN. If you love me, demonstrate it by showing me some consideration".

As for the rest of the constant attention seeking - have you spoken about it? Could you tell him that it's irritating the hell out of you?

LittleBearPad · 10/11/2015 08:39

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing since the baby was born?

51howdidthathappen · 10/11/2015 08:49

The constant, I love you, isn't a statement of his feelings for you, it's a question of your feelings for him.

in this case. My take anyhow.

lizzydrippingsghost · 10/11/2015 08:51

jeez that would drive me fucking crazy, i could feel my arse clenching just readind your post.
in 24 years i could probably count on one hand the amount of times dp as said he loves me, and me him, but i know he does ,it goes without saying

UnGoogleable · 10/11/2015 08:54

The constant, I love you, isn't a statement of his feelings for you, it's a question of your feelings for him

Totally agree.

Senpai · 10/11/2015 09:17

You can't expect people to change their entire personality - that's when you call it a day and leave them to it. Life is way too short to suffer this sort of idiocy.

Not respecting boundaries isn't a personality trait. Just saying.

Senpai · 10/11/2015 09:22

I can see how it gets too much, but there's probably a women or man getting the shit kicked out of them and or getting mentally abused by their dps, who. Would give anything to be in your position. I think it's vital you don't forget how extremely fortunate you are to have a dp who worships the ground you walk on.

What??

Are you seriously saying women should consider themselves lucky for not being abused??

Baseline behavior is being a decent person and respecting your partner. Not being abusive falls so far below baseline, it doesn't even count as criteria.

ConsciousPilot · 10/11/2015 10:16

Um...who said AF is a knob? I specifically mentioned that I had seen her helping lots of women, however, her brutal straight-to-abuse default setting is in danger of overshadowing the essence of her often good advice.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 10:22

Thanks for the heads up, CP. I'll be sure to stop pointing out that women deserve much better than having to accommodate someone else's issues then, just because they are in a relationship with them. Because keeping that man happy is soooo much more important than our own health and mental wellbeing. Gotcha.

Glad we got that sorted.

ConsciousPilot · 10/11/2015 10:28

Well done for the absurd extrapolation there. Point proved.

CocktailQueen · 10/11/2015 10:34

So it's not just the constant I love yous, it's:

he's in the 'aren't I ever so understanding for foregoing sex' phase. While I bf the baby and sort all the other kids and the house too. - not pulling his weight around the house

I'd say he tells me he loves me more times per day than he speaks to the kids altogether. - being a not very hands on father

Every he does is irritating the he'll out of me. Today he cleaned out a rats cage that had been festering in the shed for months in the kitchen sink. He left rat poo on the surfaces and then ran a sink as if I was actually going to wash the pots in it. - just yuk. See ‘not pulling his weight above

Plus: It's not just the words, it's the physical contact. I elbow/headbutt him regularly because he invades my personal space so much. For example, I'll go to have a drink and he'll be leaning in to kiss my neck and get an elbow in the face. If a child isn't touching me then he is within ten seconds, I guarantee.

GAH! OP, have you spoken to him?

MerryInthechelseahotel · 10/11/2015 11:04

There is another thread about a HV suggesting the other op's toddler is put in a cage. Could you get a cage for him?

are his initials DC?

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 11:08

It must be really handy being able to divide the world into two categories.

I'm sure this man's behaviour isn't subject to any subtleties or vagaries. There's nothing to discern except is he a twat.

Wineandrosesagain · 10/11/2015 11:54

Op, have you had a serious discussion with your DH re how very very suffocating he is being? And how he does sweet FA in the house? And how he doesn't speak to his children enough? And how him constantly touching you and invading your space (and I'll bet he's a bit of a sex pest too) is all deeply, deeply unattractive, unsexy and completely the opposite of a loving husband who sees his wife as an actual, real person in her own right? And he can fuck right off re waking you and the baby in the morning. WTAF is that all about? I would be drowning in your place. And seriously creeped-out.

Side note: I disagree with the negative comments about AnyFucker - she (assume she, could be he) is not a man-hater, but she does cut straight to the chase and calls out behaviours that raise flags and may indicate abuse. I think she is very intuitive and her advice is consistently good.

Sallystyle · 10/11/2015 12:13

AF says exactly what most people say. The only difference is she says it in such a manner that it packs a punch and cuts through the waffle.

It's pretty bad form to go around running down another poster. And that is to the poster mumontherun

I also assume that posters are able to either take her advice if they agree with it or leave it if they don't.

He might be abusive/controlling, or he might just be insecure. Either way, it's suffocating and not behaviour that should be tolerated as the OP is not happy with it.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 10/11/2015 12:13

Side note: I disagree with the negative comments about AnyFucker - she (assume she, could be he) is not a man-hater, but she does cut straight to the chase and calls out behaviours that raise flags and may indicate abuse. I think she is very intuitive and her advice is consistently good.

^^ spot on!

MySordidCakeSecret · 10/11/2015 12:18

I am genuinely on the fence about this and can't decide.. maybe he just really loves you! how long have you been together? is this a recent change or has he always been like this?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 12:39

I have lost the ability to pm on my stupid phone at the moment so I will say thank you on the thread for the nice comments Smile

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 13:09

I am sure Any Fucker can handle a little criticism.

In this case, the bulldozer of justice wasn't called for. I mean, he's abusive because he is too nice? Get a grip. He's insecure and irritating at worst.

Sodder · 10/11/2015 13:38

This would drive me bonkers OP. Some need more space than others in relationships and I confess I need more than most but the constant 'I love you' stuff and lack of housework would suffocate me. I've run away in the past from this kind of thing. Ugh.

YANBU.