...to be upset about her termination?

[princesspineapple]

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and one of my best friends has just had a termination.
I'm all for pro-choice and it's her body etc etc... But she has basically used this as contraception (they've not used any protection for a year) and I don't really agree with that.
Putting aside my (and everyone's) feelings about her pregnancy choices... AIBU to be upset that she turned to me first in her "time of need"?
I've had MCs in the past, and am over the moon to be pregnant... So am finding it really hard to support her when she says things like "well it's only pea sized" when my little pea is now wriggling away in my belly!
Am I being a bit of an over-emotional pregnant lady and need to buck up and be a better friend, or is she actually being a cow?

Being pro-choice doesn't mean you have to agree with her decision, or indeed with anyone's decision to terminate. It just means you support their legal right to do so. Which you do, so that's fine.
Your feelings are not invalid. I think it would be difficult for anyone to completely divorce their response to a friend's termination from their own ongoing pregnancy, especially when they've had a history of pregnancy loss. It's ok for you to feel uncomfortable about it. She does sound a bit insensitive about it all.

No, it isn't devilish.

Actually I think she has been very insensitive to ask for support from a friend who is a)pregnant and b)has previously suffered a miscarriage, and I don't think you should feel obliged to offer her any more support if it is upsetting you. Your views on her choice are irrelevant to the way she is behaving towards you. I would distance yourself and get on with enjoying your pregnancy, rather than conflicting yourself over a friend who sounds rather selfish and thoughtless.

I'm pro choice but that doesn't mean I have a limitless tolerance for dickish behaviour. She's not being very sensitive herself asking you this and you are allowed to decide there are limits to your support - not telling her off for her choice, but you can say you're not the best person to talk this through with and she should do that with someone else.

Of course it is.

I'm fully pro-choice. Entirely up to individual women what they do. I support legalising termination up to birth.

However, with a learning disabled son myself I would not be up to being the support for someone terminating for (say) DS. Fully support their right to make that decision but I wouldn't be the shoulder to cry on.

I think most people understand that.

Agree 100% with Focusfocus

Get over yourself and enjoy your pregnancy.

According to Google research, one in three women will have had a termination by the age of 45.

That's a lot of us, yet it's something we have to STFU about in case we 'upset' someone.

If it upsets you so much then ask that she doesn't talk about it to you, but asking a friend for support during a medical procedure that is a) largely unknown and b) controversial is not being crass or insensitive.

I am not going to cringily apologise for making a decision that I believed to be right at that time.

YABU and need to put your feelings aside and support her. She's going through hell right now, and obviously thinks a lot of you to tell you

Oh ouch on the asking about recovery time! That's awful.

Yes. Tell her what Tendon said. It's not critical, just honest and I think needed.

She is not being sensitive asking about recovery based on your mc, but she is being quite brave and trusting you a lot - I am not sure I would go to a pg friend with an abortion in case they mused about their own unborn baby.

Just support her - looking at HER problem from HER pov. Any decisions or feelings she has about her own self do not spread to you, too.

I think it is fine to feel and say that you are not the right person to support her through this. I agree that you shouldn't judge but that doesn't mean you are in the right place emotionally to provide a sympathetic ear.

When ds2 was a few weeks old he underwent a series of tests to see if he had a syndrome which would have resulted in severe learning disabilities. At the saME TIME (and unbeknown to me then) a friend was trying to decide whether she should terminate for Downs syndrome. She didn't talk to me about her decision - just as well because I was in a very dark and emotional place and couldn't have provided the support and objectivity she needed.

((hugs)) I completely understand your opening thread. You are human and your feelings do matter.

Is this like the feminism club? You can't belong to the pro-choice group unless you sign up in an absolutist way?

I wouldn't have minded supporting a friend who had an abortion whilst pregnant. In fact I remember when I was about 5m there was a programme on about accessing abortion in NI. I watched it in floods of tears because these women weren't allowed to have terminations and were being forced to carry pregnancies they didn't want.

Im Pro Choice, but anyone who chooses not to use contraception would get little to no understanding from me if they subsequently fall pregnant (man or woman). Dont want a baby? Take adequate precautions.

How about its accepting this woman can do what she chooses to do with her own body?

And the OP is saturated with judgement about her sex life. Funny if this was a benefits thread it would be thundering with HOW DO YOU KNOWS but because it's abortion, well, everyone knows the frequency of shagging amongst friends and contraception used, right?

I've had miscarriages and I agree with you that your friend is being insensitive, as she knows your history of miscarriages. Clobbered is exactly right. I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy.

Or - Don't want a baby and didn't use adequate precautions? Harlot. Have the baby and grow up in misery and poverty, as it's what you deserve.

Is that what you think Penny?

And sometimes people think they want a baby and change their mind.

YANBU she is being insensitive and can't believe she asked about your recovery time after a MC. She's every right to do what she wants to her body but she doesn't have every right to be so bloody insensitive.

I don't think it's the termination itself that is the problem... It would be impractical for her to continue with the pregnancy to say least... It's more her attitude towards it/me.
When she found out she was pregnant, she phoned me straight away, despite us having a mutual friend who has previously terminated a pregnancy after a pill failure.
I told her I was here if she needed anything, and sent her a little box of things like bath bombs and magazines for her recovery time... And thought that would be it.
She makes lots of comments regarding the insignificant size of the embryo/baby, and how frustrating it is that she's off work for so long... How long did it take me to get better at 8 weeks etc. And that's what I find difficult. Again, could be being over-sensitive?

YANBU she is being terribly insensitive and inconsiderate!

I'm not sure she is being insensitive by turning to you for support. You are her friend after all. I can understand your OP though.

I do however think 'pro-choice' should not mean we become so irresponsible re birth control that we use abortion as a get out clause. That really gets on my wick. Abortion should be a last resort not a means of birth control! We live in a country when birth control is a doodle I'm not talking here about contraceptive errors e.g. a split condom, I'm talking about people who can't be bothered to sort it out in the first place.

YNBU to be upset that you are the person she's turned too. She sounds quite thoughtless. You don't ask a friend who has had miscarriages to be your support around an abortion, especially with insensitive questions like the recovery time one.

It's no different, imo, to being insensitive if you ask someone who is about to be made homeless to help you pick your nice new house or ask the friend whose husband just abandoned her to go wedding dress shopping. You just wouldn't do that.