...to be upset about her termination?

[princesspineapple]

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and one of my best friends has just had a termination.
I'm all for pro-choice and it's her body etc etc... But she has basically used this as contraception (they've not used any protection for a year) and I don't really agree with that.
Putting aside my (and everyone's) feelings about her pregnancy choices... AIBU to be upset that she turned to me first in her "time of need"?
I've had MCs in the past, and am over the moon to be pregnant... So am finding it really hard to support her when she says things like "well it's only pea sized" when my little pea is now wriggling away in my belly!
Am I being a bit of an over-emotional pregnant lady and need to buck up and be a better friend, or is she actually being a cow?

[LetGoOrBeDragged]

Well I think she is being massively insensitive to ask you for support knowing that you have suffered miscarriages and that for you that 'pea' was a lost baby.

I support whole heartedly a woman's right to autonomy over her own body, but in my heart I believe abortion should be reserved for genuine contraceptive failure - not because someone cba to use it in the first place. I do massively judge those people. To me, abortion is the ending of a potential human life and is a sometimes necessary but still sad event.

Expecting active support from someone who is happily pg is beyond crass imo!

[SurlyCue]

a last resort

Why?

[PiperChapstick]

PS I think your suggestion of what you should say to her tomorrow is fine. Please just make it clear you love her and don't judge her but you're conflicted because you're so happy in your own pregnancy and it doesn't make for a good support mechanism

[ghostyslovesheep]

I've had 5 MC I'd answer her if she asked me how long it took to recover - because she wants to know

You need to tell her if you find that insensitive - she is supposed to be your friend - so TALK to her

I couldn't careless how a woman got pregnant - if she doesn't want to be I support 100% her choice

Maybe she secretly thought getting PG would change her relationship - it hasn't - she's now sad and feeling a bit shit - who knows maybe drip feed that bit in next

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

The idea that being pro choice means having completely neutral feelings about every possible termination scenario is ridiculous.
I'm pro choice, I support every woman's right to a legal and safe termination within legal limits. That doesn't mean I could support a situation that the OP is in. I wouldn't want a friend to feel bad about their choices so I'd be supportive but I would be furious about the 8 weeks comment.

[PiperChapstick]

but in my heart I believe abortion should be reserved for genuine contraceptive failure - not because someone cba to use it in the first place

And pray tell how do you propose this is policed? How do you expect the "genuine contraception failures" be eeked out from the, erm, purposeful contraception failures? Should doctors shine a light in people's eyes? Lie detector tests?

Some of these self righteous comments about other women in an awful situation are disgusting. I'm sure we'd be hard pressed to find a woman who, on the brink of sex realises she doesn't have birth control, says "it's ok if I get pregnant I'll just get an abortion"

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

To all the people saying "I support a woman's right to an abortion... except in [situation I don't agree with]" which bit of "she does not want to give birth to a child she does not want" do you not understand?

OP I agree your friend is being massively insensitive with the way she is talking to you about this. Congratulations on your pregnancy

[Sallystyle]

You stop being pro choice when you jump on the very nasty bandwagon which attempts to demonise women who terminate - when you make remarks about abortion being used as contraception, when you state or imply that someone's feelings about their abortion are wrong

Bollocks to that.

If someone uses abortion as birth control and I say I don't agree with that I'm no longer pro-choice?

Thankfully you don't get to decide what makes someone pro-choice.

It is simply believing a woman has the right to make her own choice.

A bit like feminism really. You don't have to agree with every women's choice to be glad they actually have them.

[PiperChapstick]

The idea that being pro choice means having completely neutral feelings about every possible termination scenario is ridiculous.

Of course, you don't have to applaud or respect every situation. but being pro-choice is about supporting everyone's right to an abortion regardless of their personal situation, which is no ones to judge. If a woman wants a termination, she wants one. End of. The backstory is sod all to do with anyone else.

[Sallystyle]

To all the people saying "I support a woman's right to an abortion... except in [situation I don't agree with]" which bit of "she does not want to give birth to a child she does not want" do you not understand?

Maybe I missed where someone posted that they don't think women should be able to legally abort in a situation they don't agree with?

I would think it is immoral for a woman to abort multiple pregnancies because she can't be arsed to use bc. I would still be glad she has the choice though. Not that I have ever heard of anyone having multiple abortions because they didn't want to use bc but I couldn't think of a better example.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

I was listening to a stats program yesterday about chinas one child family law stopping, well part of it was about abortion rates. Russia has the highest rates but it was stated that parts of Russia culturally uses abortion as contraception. So not everyone in the world sees it the same so just as some of us see it as "slack" some places in the world don't and it is their culture.
Just thought it was interesting, and relevant to the OP.

[Sallystyle]

but being pro-choice is about supporting everyone's right to an abortion regardless of their personal situation, which is no ones to judge

It's really isn't.

Pro-choice- Believing women should have the legal right to access safe abortions no matter the reasons.

Whether or not someone judges those reasons is a different matter.

You can judge a choice while being glad someone has the legal right to make that choice.

[SurlyCue]

Can you explain why you think it is immoral? Not saying you shouldnt feel that way but i am interested in the logic behind it.

[squiggleirl1]

YABU but I can see why you might feel emotionally sensitive about it given your own circumstances. But I guess she's turned to you because you're her friend so you mustn't judge her.

Bullshit. OPs friend has every right to be judged. She is a lousy friend. Whatever shit she has gone through, she has no right to dump it on somebody else with no regard for their vulnerability. Being friends with someone does not mean you have to deal with their shitty behaviour no matter what.

Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to ask a woman who has had previous miscarriages previously how it feels afterwards, because you wish to compare it to how you are feeling after an abortion? Oh and the person being asked is pregnant? The only answer I can come up with is a fuckwit. Only a fuckwit would behave like that, so damn right they deserve to be judged.

[bumbleymummy]

I agree that she was being very insensitive asking you about recovery times and commenting on the insignificance of the pregnancy at that stage. I've had miscarriages and I would have been very angry and upset at those comments. I think what you're planning to say sounds fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy

[MySordidCakeSecret]

a last resort

Why?

1.Because it is a life that is being terminated that shouldn't be undertaken lightly or carelessly.
2.Because it's an invasive, costly and risky procedure.

[Devilishpyjamas]

Supporting every woman's right to an abortion doesn't mean you have to be the shoulder to cry on for every single situation though.

[SurlyCue]

NO-ONE IS USING ABORTION AS CONTRACEPTION!

ABORTION CANNOT BE USED AS CONTRACEPTION.

Abortion is what happens AFTER conception has taken place. It cannot prevent conception.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

surly who are you ranting at?

[PiperChapstick]

U2 my explanation and your explanation are the same thing with different words. You don't have to agree with the circumstances but being pro-choice is supporting a right to abortion/believing woman should have a right to safe and legal abortion. It's the same thing.

And we have no right whatsoever to judge anyone going through that situation or even know their backstory. We wouldn't pry on people's reason for choosing to be pregnant, so as pro-choicers we shouldn't pry on their reason not to be pregnant

[StarlingMurmuration]

I must admit, I've always been pro-choice, and I still believe it's a woman's right to choose, and would never ever support legislation to restrict this right - but since I had my son last year, the idea of abortion really upsets me in a visceral way that it didn't before. So I can see where you're coming from, OP, though I don't think your friend is being a cow.

[PiperChapstick]

I also disagree about "it should be a last resort". For many, keeping the baby is a last resort. No one should be forced to have a baby they don't want

[SurlyCue]

Because it is a life that is being terminated that shouldn't be undertaken lightly or carelessly.

This is a personal opinion.

Because it's an invasive, costly and risky procedure.

do you believe this for all medical procedures? That they should all be a last resort and all other options should be exhausted first?

[BlueJug]

Hey OP. Good luck with your pregnancy. I understand how you feel. If I were you I'd avoid the friend for a while. Once you have your baby you'll have a whole lot of new friends anyway and be busy. You might find that your friend is not so keen to support you when you are unable to go out so easily.

No need to let people get to you. You feel how you feel.

[GigiB]

My 5 year old son is experiencing some bullying, i want to nip it in the bud before it becomes anything and would like any helpful advice experienced mums have to offer...
He's in year 1. He bounces around between social groups but is generally happy, loves learning and likes school. He mainly says he's enjoyed the day, but there are some incident that are getting more frequent that I will describe a bit below. He's sometimes shy and he is quite small for his age (he's an august birthday). He get pushed around a bit.
He plays with one other boy at school most days, however, this boy has now said he wants to make new friends as well (which i think is fair as they're only 5).
There is another boy who is a strong personality in the class, most of the boys in the class look up to him, including my son, my son and he don't gel. The boy doesn't let my son play with him and hence excludes him from the group (boys in the class). It happened in reception (last year) to a few of the boys and I told the teacher (discreetly), she handled it well and did 'carpet time', got the children playing more.
I thought the problem had gone away, however, in the past week my son said he's by himself a lot in the playground and not allowed to play . he's also said that his friend and he played at one of the breaks 'to make it fair'.
I've bitten the bullet and invited the boy with the 'strong personality' to play next week, as i think they will get on, my son is really excited he's coming over.
I will probably tell the teacher again. I don't think i should tell the boys mum as i think this won't help. Interested to hear others experiences (especially if its positive advice.)