...to be upset about her termination?

[princesspineapple]

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and one of my best friends has just had a termination.
I'm all for pro-choice and it's her body etc etc... But she has basically used this as contraception (they've not used any protection for a year) and I don't really agree with that.
Putting aside my (and everyone's) feelings about her pregnancy choices... AIBU to be upset that she turned to me first in her "time of need"?
I've had MCs in the past, and am over the moon to be pregnant... So am finding it really hard to support her when she says things like "well it's only pea sized" when my little pea is now wriggling away in my belly!
Am I being a bit of an over-emotional pregnant lady and need to buck up and be a better friend, or is she actually being a cow?

[HubertsBirthdayStick]

Your pregnant, just enjoy it and leave these feelings alone.

[Dragongirl10]

Princess.......YANBU this is not a friend., if she was she would have had more sensitivity to your much awaited pregnancy and found another shoulder to lean on.

I would not have any sympathy for someone who uses no contraception, then needs support when pregnant, stupid is an understatement.

Enjoy your pregnancy and baby

[Leavingsosoon]

With regard to YOU, you are absolutely entitled to say you find it very painful.

With regard to her attitude towards the termination - it is perfectly okay to be, well, perfectly okay about terminating a pregnancy. No one should feel guilt, shame or fear (obviously some do, but they should not be made to feel that if they don't have these emotions they are 'wrong.')

My only emotion after mine was relief and jubilation. Does that make me sound awful? I don't think it does. I suffered hugely with sickness and the relief of not vomiting was huge. I felt like I could focus and be me, it felt like being reborn to be honest.

[HPsauciness]

I am surprised that being pro-choice means being completely supportive of every single termination choice ever to the point of listening to people go on about it, even if it is a sensitive topic for yourself.

Op, going on and on about your little 8 week old baby in your tummy would be insensitive to her, just after an abortion, so likewise her going on and on about the insignificance of the embryo is equally insensitive, she sounds like she is trying to convince herself or perhaps senses you are not completely on board with her decision and is looking for reassurance. Either way, it is not appropriate, you can only give what you can give to any friend and some topics are simply too much.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

sorry to comment again but i'm feeling quite incensed! If she was your friend she's be supporting your very much wanted pregnancy not asking you to remember previous mc wth?! You need to enjoy your pregnancy and the little life inside of you. if it was me i would explain the obvious that other people would be more appropriate for her whinging support and leave her to it.

[Leavingsosoon]

And yes, I agree that birth control is both available and effective.

However, if someone does not use it, either because they are an irresponsible twerp or planned the baby and circumstances changed, the pregnancy is still an established fact and I don't think forcing someone to go through with a pregnancy they don't want is particularly conducive to anything or anyone.

[specialsubject]

two different issues here.

if she knows you have had miscarriages, and she must know you are pregnant, she is very insensitive to talk all this through with you. And not using contraception when you don't want a baby is daft.

BUT abortion is her choice. Pro-choice means just that. It doesn't mean you personally have to choose abortion but you let everyone else make their decisions.

[SurlyCue]

But she has basically used this as contraception

No she hasnt.

Contraception prevents pregnancy (by preventing conception- clue is in the name)
Termination ends pregnancy.

Fwiw i do think she is leaning on the wrong person, however you did tell her I was here if she needed anything so you did let her think she could lean on you. I think you need to be honest and tell her that you are struggling to support her and that you are sorry for letting her think you could.

[HackerFucker22]

How long has she been off work?

I had a termination at 8w on a Thursday and was back at work the Monday after.

I had my 1st (of 4) miscarriages at 8w and aside from appointments I didn't take a day off was a threatened miscarriage but actual loss was on the Friday evening of a Bank Holiday weekend I'm not a hero but was well enough for work the following Tuesday. I found the distraction of work really helped with all my miscarriages.

[princesspineapple]

Thank you to everyone that says I'm not being a crazy sensitive pregnant lady!
I'm seeing her tomorrow so if she brings it up again I will say to her in the nicest way that I'm not condemning her decision (which I do hope she already knows), but I'm not sure I'm the best person to offer her the support she needs right now. Does that sound fair enough?

[frumpet]

I honestly don't think you are being unreasonable to wish your friend had chosen someone else to support her , and as for the recovery question she is being deeply insensitive . OK you sound judgemental in your post when you mention her contraceptive history , but at the same time , if you are not actively seeking to get pregnant and contraception is available to you , why on earth would you choose to not use any at all , ever ? Termination is not without risk , why take that risk if not necessary ?

[Sallystyle]

Pro choice is about believing women should have the legal right to make choices for themselves when it comes to their body. It's as simple as that.

That doesn't mean you can't judge someone for their reasons for terminating or even hate the idea of termination. It just means you agree that it should be legal.

So for people saying the OP isn't pro choice, well you are wrong. She can judge/feel sadness and be pro-choice. The two are not mutually exclusive. It is silly to say the OP isn't pro choice because she feels upset about this.

If being pro choice is all about not being able to express feelings of sadness over someone terminating on an anonymous forum and not being able to have an opinion about it then I'm not sure I want that label because the word pro-choice is not some kind of club where you have to feel no sadness or judgement to belong.

[lljkk]

From what OP says it's not the termination per se, it's the friend's talk about the embryo as "only a pea" etc that is upsetting OP. OP has crossed the line where her own embryo is a developing person, not just a pea.

Like I said, they are in too different places.

[Leavingsosoon]

I think this needs to be very clear.

You can be pro choice and not ever terminate yourself. You can be pro choice and still say 'abortion wouldn't be right for me at this time' because the point is, you are in favour of women making the decision that suits them.

You stop being pro choice when you jump on the very nasty bandwagon which attempts to demonise women who terminate - when you make remarks about abortion being used as contraception, when you state or imply that someone's feelings about their abortion are wrong (usually that they aren't feeling bad enough) or comment sneeringly on someone who has had more than one abortion.

The world is full of tossers. Some of them sometimes terminate pregnancies. You don't have to like them, but the second you start to make unpleasant remarks (even when coated in 'I'm pro choice but ...') you are contributing to a set of very nasty attitudes that imply women who terminate are harlots who hate babies.

It is wrong.

It's a medical procedure. Like all medical procedures you may not want to hear about it for whatever reason like I hate hearing people's gruesome birth stories but that doesn't make the procedure wrong or immoral, or the reasons for it.

[Devilishpyjamas]

What you suggest saying sounds fine OP - I hope she understands & backs off.

[SurlyCue]

Abortion should be a last resort not a means of birth control!

Abortion is exactly birth control! It controls births! Do you mean contraception?

And can i ask why shouldnt abortion be used to control birth? Why must all other options have been exhausted first?

[chumbler]

I completely get it. Before baby I would have said I was totally pro choice. And even now id say the same, and I'd respect peoples choices, but it's not something I could easily understand now that I have my own baby

[PiperChapstick]

. Dont want a baby? Take adequate precautions.

How very useful that advice is to someone who is already pregnant

This "I'm pro-choice but..." Nonsense just reinforces that anyone who professes to be something but follows it up with "but" and a statement to the contrary, is very much not as they say they are. Kudos to those saying "I'm pro-choice but not if your contraception fails". You're not pro-choice then!

To me pro-choice doesn't have limitations - Because then you're limiting the actual choice. IMO Any reason a woman wants termination is a valid one.

This is coming from someone who has miscarried.

[Thurlow]

the second you start to make unpleasant remarks (even when coated in 'I'm pro choice but ...') you are contributing to a set of very nasty attitudes that imply women who terminate are harlots who hate babies.

Exactly this.

OP, I think you are within your rights to say that you don't feel like the right person to support her - but equally, don't be surprised if your friend takes this as a judgement on what she has chosen to do.

[chumbler]

why shouldn't abortion be used to control birth

Really?!?!

[bobsalong]

I know someone who had an abortion even though they used no protection, because they realised they actually didn't want a baby. A year later and they're now pregnant.

Honestly, I find it a disgusting attitude to have- if you don't want a baby, use protection! However a) they weren't my friend, and b) I would never say anything or be personally offended as it is their choice and ~their~ life.

You've had an MC which is a horrible thing to experience but it's not an insult to you that she's made the decision she has.

[SurlyCue]

why shouldn't abortion be used to control birth

Really?!?!



Umm yes, really? abortion is to end a pregnancy, so that birth of a live baby doesnt happen. You are saying it shouldnt be used for this reason? what should it be used for then?

[princesspineapple]

Like I said before,I know the wording was a bit crap in the OP...I really wish I'd just left it out.
I do believe if there is a medical or emotional need to end a pregnancy, every woman should have that right.
But as PPs have said, we're fortunate that contraception is easily and readily available, and she has never wanted a child, so I think this was an irresponsible, and probably inevitable decision.
So those who have slated my views, you're probably right in that I'm not as pro-choice as many of you. I'm sorry.
But... I did say this was about her behaviour... So should have just stuck to that and got some objective views on if my/her behaviour was unreasonable and avoided this debate. Sorry everyone!

[MySordidCakeSecret]

abortion is to end a pregnancy, so that birth of a live baby doesnt happen. You are saying it shouldnt be used for this reason? confused what should it be used for then?

a last resort.

[bodenbiscuit]

YABU but I can see why you might feel emotionally sensitive about it given your own circumstances. But I guess she's turned to you because you're her friend so you mustn't judge her.