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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Younger sister announces pregnancy

183 replies

cammybear · 08/11/2015 18:19

Let me start by saying that I know I am definitely being unreasonable. This is more of a post asking for advice as to how I can change my mind on this one.

Husband and I are expecting a baby in January, and are really excited. Family also super excited - it will be my parents' first grandchild. Then last week my younger sister announced that they too are expecting, two months after us. They are much younger than us, and I am really struggling. It was a complete surprise to everyone (whereas ours wasn't), so I hadn't really thought about what would happen were they to announce. But I am really finding it hard. I suppose I just wanted a year when our little one was the family's focus (I really how terrible this sounds!) and now, a few months after the birth, he'll have to share the limelight.

Otherwise, my husband and I get on OK with them, though there is a little tension and distance I suppose. There will be competition, or at least comparisons - more from my side than theirs (I think they're pretty laid back really). Parents are obviously overjoyed to have two on the way, but I was just happy when they were overjoyed with ours!

I am also struggling with my own reaction because I know it's so unreasonable. I am definitely the bad guy in all this. But I feel very emotional about it (also putting it down to hormones). Can anyone say anything to snap me out of this self-pity party?!

OP posts:
honeylulu · 08/11/2015 21:58

Wondering if there is a back story. Is your sister the "golden child"? Mine is and always has been. Our parents think the sun shines out of her arse and anything she says, goes. When I got married and had my son it was as if I'd finally done something right and I had a share of attention and approval. My sister then got married suddenly (without any announcement/engagement) when my son was a few months old and came back from wedding/honeymoon already pregnant. She announced it on Christmas day. My parents and grandparents were going to her house for lunch and were meant to be coming to ours for supper. They had been very excited about being able to be with their first grandchild/greatgrandchild on his first Christmas. Just before they were due to arrive at ours we got a call to say that's been so excited and delighted by sister's announcement they'd stayed longer than they had planned and so we're going straight home without seeing us.
I know I sound petulant but I was devastated my sister's barely announced baby had already demoted mine. Not a word more was said about my son's first Christmas that everyone had been so excited about until that day. It was the shape of things to come. My parents fawn over my sister's children and mine are barely acknowledged. It is very upsetting - for me not for them - though I'm angry that my children who I love so fiercely have lost out on having a proper relationship with grandparents, just because they weren't willing to share themselves.
I have tried for many years and it was just about manageable/bearable until I had my daughter last year (after years of secondary infertility). My sister who had two sons and apparently always wanted a daughter decided to cut contact with me because it was "too painful for her". This is a whole other thread, believe me. Now my parents have even less contact with me or my children because they don't want to upset her. FFS.
So yes, I was jealous when my sister announced her first pregnancy because I could see the way it would go. I wish I'd been proved wrong. So you may not be BU.

RueDesTroisFreres · 08/11/2015 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Piratepete1 · 08/11/2015 22:12

Imagine being due 2 months before your sister, losing your baby and then having to watch your DN be everything your baby should have been. I hope that puts things into perspective. Biscuit

LilyWasThere · 08/11/2015 22:15

I get it. I had the same, except with the added pressure of having to go through IVF....my sister found the 3 months she'd been trying 'horrific'...!

I posted something similar & got similar responses. But I know how you feel. I just wanted some time to revel in our miracle without having the focus shift to my sister.

Having said that, I think it's ok now. Just don't say anything you'll regret & ride it through. It'll get better once you get your head around it!

Good luck ??

PainAuChocolat23 · 08/11/2015 22:19

I was a bit put out when my sister told me she was pregnant when i was 34 weeks pregnant but even in a overly hormonal state i realised i was being a twat and im genuinely happy for her. Shes due in january and our children will be in the same class at school which i think is brilliant.

scatterthenuns · 08/11/2015 22:25

God help you had she had her accident before you conceived!

DC will love having each other growing up. It will be a wonderful thing.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/11/2015 22:43

Flowers Sorry for your heart breaking loss,Pirate.
However. It's not about putting things into perspective. Op feels what she feels. You don't think she enjoys feeling like this do you. No one wakes up and says. Oh I think. I'll be a jealous bitch to day because it seems like fun.

Shakshuka · 08/11/2015 22:47

Ah OP, I'm sorry you got flamed.

It's fine to have sometimes feelings like this. The fact that you recognise them for what they are and don't think you're justified in blasting your sister shows that you're pretty grounded.

I think you need to just move away from the 'small stuff' which is being the centre of attention for a while and look at the bigger picture - which is that your child is going to have a cousin close to his or her age! They can grow up together! If you embrace it, it could be wonderful! Also, it's a great opportunity for you and your sister to become closer with shared experiences.

Assquatch · 08/11/2015 22:51

Try having GPS that don't give a fuck lol. No matter how many I have, my pil hate me 1.3.5 whatever. But we've survived Grin

Marmitelover55 · 08/11/2015 23:00

I remember being concerned when I was pregnant with DD2 that I wouldn't have enough for her as well as DD1. Someone used the analogy of a cake with me. I was worried that DD1's slice of love might have to get smaller to accommodate DD2 but actually the slices don't get smaller as the actual cake itself gets bigger. I'm sure this will be the case for your parents too and they won't love your DC any less when DN is born.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/11/2015 23:02

The OP is, unsurprisingly, long gone.

missymayhemsmum · 08/11/2015 23:09

Hopefully it will bring you and your sis closer and your babies will be best friends.
Hope there won't be too many comparisons, such as when you give your child the best of everything and they are struggling, for instance.

(I was the sis who fell accidentally pregnant while my DB and SiL were in their third IVF cycle. First thought after 'Oh xxxx' was 'I hope she is too'). Fortunately she was. It's just tough for the grandparents who always have to make sure they get the same present for both girls though.

Totally understand you feeling that she has taken the shine off your miracle though, even if YABU.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 08/11/2015 23:10

When i was pregnant with my first(also first grandchild) my brother then announced they were having a baby four months after us. You need to think of the positives, your child will have a cousin to grow up with, playing with and keeping them company at family things, you and your sister can go to baby groups together and support each other through the tough times.

Loveahotcuppa · 08/11/2015 23:14

A fair amount of rather negative and rude reactions! I totally get it, it's an emotional time and very precious the first one. Don't worry, 2 months is actually a long time in new born time (trust me on this!) and by the time the next one comes it's actually nice to have someone there to relate to and share stuff with. Later holidays etc are lovely with cousins if you get on. Even if you don't you may actually find this brings you closer. DON'T WORRY. The first is still the first! Esp if diff genders.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/11/2015 23:19

I've never understood the comparing between children. All children like adults are all different. Some excellent quicker at talking some at walking.
And at school Some excellent at numeracy literacy reading sports art, but every child has something to offer.
I've never been one of those competitive mothers.

AkkerDemik · 08/11/2015 23:22

OP is it that you and DH have had to try hard for this baby, whereas the 'surprise' baby seems to have come very easily to them? If that's the case I can understand why you've taken this badly. Maybe it just doesn't seem fair. And maybe you're personalising it as a result.

Your baby will be just as much loved as if he was the only one. Love isn't finite, the more there are to love the more love there is to go round. (And if there are going to be comparisons, they'd happen even if there were five years between them.

Don't beat yourself up, just...... let it go.

MackerelOfFact · 08/11/2015 23:22

In twenty years' time, do you think your DS is going to be more likely to think "it's been so lovely to grow up and share my childhood with my cousin," or "I wish I'd had more time in the limelight as a newborn"?

bettyberry · 08/11/2015 23:34

My sister announced her pregnancy The day I gave birth I think, I was so doped up on meds due to a traumatic birth and nearly dying twice It has been a long standing thing where No one could do anything, even pregnancy, without her getting in on the act.

TBH I was furious with her. I had been through 3yrs of miscarriages (6 by the time I had my DC) , struggled with the break up of my relationship/engagement called off, being made homeless due to relationship failure and the one time I really needed some support and she's there telling everyone her baby is due whilst I'm on IV antibiotics trying to fight off an infection that caused me to stop breathing :( Everyone was torn. She wanted the congrats and I needed help. She could have and should have waited but she just couldn't handle my grandparents happy and excited with their first GGS.

So I get it OP, I really really do. A longed for baby is so precious and you just want to enjoy the moment, really enjoy and forget about how difficult it was or how hard it was. For me my sister announcing hers so quickly, she hadn't even reached the 12weeks mark, felt like an absolute slap in the face. A 'haha I did it better'. I know that sound so bloody ridiculous so no one needs to tell me otherwise but you can't help how you feel about things. If it has been a 'thing' where your sibling has to do everything you do and do it better your feelings are valid.

Trixielilac11 · 09/11/2015 00:21

I am sorry you feel this way OP but you really need to get some perspective. I clicked on this thread assuming you were long term ttc. Earlier this year younger DBro announced first grandchild was on the way. DH and I have since had 2 failed IVFs...but are delighted to become aunt and uncle.

Senpai · 09/11/2015 02:53

If you and your sister are having a baby together it can be a bonding moment to be in the trenches together. I have a friend that had a baby the same time I did and we both talked and used each other for support. It was nice to have a bump buddy and then a baby buddy. We don't compare but there is a feeling of camaraderie for having a baby in the same stages with tantrums and putting stupid shit in their mouth.

Katarzyna79 · 09/11/2015 06:54

Bettyberry ur situation sounds horrific and ur sis was tactless announcing it when you were on your death bed however its far different to ops situation. She never said she hada competing sister or one whod been nothing but grief, andher sis wasnt tactless in her announcement.

I m due within days of sis in law she announced hers when i didnt know i was pregnant no symptoms. But turns out my edd is few days earlier thsn hers so what?.i have just as much right to be happy as her i never planned it deceptively. I honestly thought she would be jealous if i announced it because its her first, but if i hadnt told her until i showed at 6 months shed be upset so i told her. Shes thrilled and thats how op should be its her sister big difference, with me its my Sil and no issues.

Pseudo341 · 09/11/2015 07:03

Try to use it as an opportunity to get closer to your sister if she lives nearby. Just think how wonderful it will be to have baby playdates together. I had the same due date as one of my closest friends with our first and it's been great, we're closer now than we were before because we've spent so much time together and the kids are so close they're almost like siblings. Honestly, you've got someone really close to share this experience with, make it wonderful.

bimandbam · 09/11/2015 07:11

I know how you feel.

Dd is 11. My dnephew is 5 months younger.

Ds is 23 months. Dnephew is 19 months. We had been ttc ds for almost 4 years so it felt a bit harsh when dsis announced she was pg shortly after us.

But it's fine. The comparisons drove me mad. I bf and ds was made of velcro for the first 6 months. I was a baby wearing earth momma. Dsis ff and Dnephew quickly in a routine etc etc. All petty, irrelevant stuff really.

But now it's nice as we go to the same babygroups and soft play and stuff.

Congratulations.

M4blues · 09/11/2015 12:57

This is one of those rare threads I occasionally click on where try as I might, I just cannot see things from the OP's POV at all.

But then I don't get preciousness at all. I was never pfb in the way I hear described on here and if a sibling had announced their pg at the same time I would have been delighted. But then I felt the same about the wedding. If dsis or dsil had announced they were also getting married a week before mine I would not have cared a jot. I was never interested in 'this is my special day' crap. There is too little happiness in the world as it is. I like to keep it whilst I'm lucky enough to have it. I have friends who have real reasons to be sad and bitter. Those reasons dont include the joy of a new neice or nephew.

M4blues · 09/11/2015 13:05

So I get it OP, I really really do. A longed for baby is so precious and you just want to enjoy the moment,

Betty, of course you do. But I cannot understand how that equates to getting lots of attention from everyone else.
In your situation, your sister should have waited a couple more days because you were ill and needed support. She shouldn't have needed to wait to enable you to get the attention. (I know you didn't say that)