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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Younger sister announces pregnancy

183 replies

cammybear · 08/11/2015 18:19

Let me start by saying that I know I am definitely being unreasonable. This is more of a post asking for advice as to how I can change my mind on this one.

Husband and I are expecting a baby in January, and are really excited. Family also super excited - it will be my parents' first grandchild. Then last week my younger sister announced that they too are expecting, two months after us. They are much younger than us, and I am really struggling. It was a complete surprise to everyone (whereas ours wasn't), so I hadn't really thought about what would happen were they to announce. But I am really finding it hard. I suppose I just wanted a year when our little one was the family's focus (I really how terrible this sounds!) and now, a few months after the birth, he'll have to share the limelight.

Otherwise, my husband and I get on OK with them, though there is a little tension and distance I suppose. There will be competition, or at least comparisons - more from my side than theirs (I think they're pretty laid back really). Parents are obviously overjoyed to have two on the way, but I was just happy when they were overjoyed with ours!

I am also struggling with my own reaction because I know it's so unreasonable. I am definitely the bad guy in all this. But I feel very emotional about it (also putting it down to hormones). Can anyone say anything to snap me out of this self-pity party?!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 18:34

Your DC will be so lucky to have a cousin. I'd have loved that. I guess you know you sound a bit daft.

The whole 'limelight' thing made me feel a bit nauseous.

TendonQueen · 08/11/2015 18:34

You're in the better position of the two of you, honestly. Your child will arrive first and get all the 'firsts' (crawling, talking) with theirs following on just behind. Yet they'll also both have the benefit of a playmate very close in age. I won't tell you you're being U as you already know that, but count your blessings. It'll all be much better than you think. Smile

Fairenuff · 08/11/2015 18:34

So when her baby is born are you going to take a back seat and let her baby have the full two months 'in the limelight' that your baby would have had?

Come on OP, listen to yourself.

They will be cousins, they will grow up together. There really is enough love to go around.

Give your head a wobble woman Grin

beepbeep · 08/11/2015 18:35

I was the little sister 9 years ago, my sister gave birth to my nephew and within days we found out we were expecting, we waited a few days more before announcing it to family, but still my sister maintains I was selfish as I took the limelight away from her (not that there was any limelight as DM ignored my pregnancy all the was through as (now DH) & I weren't married!!)

NomNomDePlum · 08/11/2015 18:35

my sister's dd was the first pregnancy announcement in my family, rapidly followed by mine - there was a week's difference in the due dates. as i recall it, everybody was extremely pleased. then i had a miscarriage, so really it's a good thing that nobody was being all pissy about having all of the attention -can you imagine how they would have felt? yabu, obviously, your child will be lucky to have a cousin his own age. seriously, it will make all those family events much less tedious for him. get a grip.

NerrSnerr · 08/11/2015 18:36

Do people really want limelight when they have a baby? It's nice when my daughter sees her grandparents but I don't need her to be the centre of their worlds, she's the centre of our world and that's enough.

Why not just be happy that there will be another child in the family. There will be enough love for everyone.

scarlets · 08/11/2015 18:37

Is there something deeper? Does your sister have a history of usurping you, or stealing your thunder? This pregnancy wouldn't be an example of that of course, but it might have brought old tensions to mind.

you can't hekp Howe you feel but try hard not to let her pick up on it. If she does, and complains to your parents, it'll cause problems.

Sirzy · 08/11/2015 18:37

Like others have said you need to look at the positives.

Ds has a cousin 11 months older than him. They are best friends now at 5 and 6 and are having a joint birthday party in a couple of weeks (at same school so lots of mutual friends).

SummerDreams13 · 08/11/2015 18:37

I get it too - sorry you're feeling like this, because it's pretty crappy and you can spend a lot of energy beating yourself up when you can't really help how you feel! You do know it's unreasonable so you are self-aware, now it's a question of what you do with the awareness. I do think this is probs a bit about it being your PFB and further children (for either you or sister) probably won't elicit such a strong response. You could focus on those first couple of months - what experiences do you want your child to share solely with your parents eg special trips or a photo shoot - but you also need to find a positive spin for the months after. Your experience will be invaluable to your sister and you can be a great support - plus she will be one of the few people who really gets how you feel.

Try and find the positives and focus on them - feeling bitter will only colour your own happiness in pregnancy and you won't be able to go back and change those memories Flowers

Spitoon · 08/11/2015 18:37

Yeesh. Glad you're not my sister!

KinkyDorito · 08/11/2015 18:40

This happened with me and DSis.

However, DS and DNephew love each other so much! They used to sit in two high chairs holding hands across the gap as babies. It is lovely for DS as I won't have more (my DD is much older and DS was like a PFB all over again), whereas I've now got two DNs and they make a gang.

saoirse31 · 08/11/2015 18:40

I actually can't comprehend how you can be so jealous or unhappy in these circumstances. Your baby will have a cousin close in age. You sound hugely immature, being upset about your baby or maybe you, losing the limelight. I hope you grow up.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 08/11/2015 18:41

OP I know you've acknowledged you are BU - yes you are! Talk of 'limelight' and 'announcing' sounds so attention-seeking - and I'm sure that's not the reason you're having a baby (is it?) - surely it's simply because you want to start a family.

I agree with all PPs who say just think how lovely it is that your baby & your sister's will be cousins so close in age.

Also how wonderful for your parents!

Enjolrass · 08/11/2015 18:42

How would you feel if your sister was annoyed that you managed to get pregnant before her and your baby will be the only GC for 2 months.

As you said the competition will come from you, not her. So sort yourself out.

Sil was pissed off when I got pg with my second. She was even more pissed off when dc2 was a boy. So I had the first girl and boy on dbros side. Her first wasn't born until 2.5 years later. Apparently, as they were getting married, as should have waited and given them a chance to have one.

Tbh she didn't hide it and the relationship has never been the same since.

ppandj · 08/11/2015 18:42

You can't help how you feel, and I personally think it would be good for you to talk to someone impartial about all of this if you feel it is really affecting your relationships or your own wellbeing. It might help you to get it all off your chest!

Also, focus on the positives;

  1. close relative for your baby to grow up with
  2. potential bonding experience with your dsis
  3. someone to spend time with while on mat leave

Ime, you might be glad of the break in the stream of visitors when her baby arrives! I think in a few years' time you will be glad of the small age gap Smile

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 08/11/2015 18:43

Honestly it will be so so lovely for your lo to have a cousin so close in age.

Also in reality it might be better to share the limelight. Grandparents can sometimes be a bit erm intense about first grandchildren. We waited a long four years for one of dh's siblings to sprog and take the pressure off us.

Not sure what the backstory is with your sister but perhaps this might be something to have in common?

GiraffesAndButterflies · 08/11/2015 18:44

What does that "limelight" actually mean to you, in terms of you/ your future DC?

What are you realistically thinking that they or you won't have, that they would have had otherwise?

All I can think of is the uniqueness of being the only one in the family with a small baby. In which case both you and your DC are gaining far more than you're losing. You get someone else who will be going through similar things to you, who you can empathise and bond with and share 'OMFG they just put sudocreme on the cat' stories with. Your DC gets a cousin their age to hang out with at family gatherings forever. I would've LOVED that growing up.

RaspberryOverload · 08/11/2015 18:45

There's only 6 weeks between DS and DNephew. Neither DBro or I felt that there was any limelight being "stolen", and there's a great photo of us changing our respective DCs' nappies next to each other on the floor of my parents lounge Grin

NomNomDePlum · 08/11/2015 18:45

that probably sounds harsher than it should, so i'm sorry. (you're not seven months gone, are you? i was frankly crazy for the whole of the seventh month). but you should bear in mind that you don't know what will happen, and you and your sister are in a great position to support each other, and seriously, when you have a tiny baby, that's really not nothing. i hope you can talk sense into your self, so that the doubled up excitement of having a son or daughter and a niece or nephew doesn't pass you by.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/11/2015 18:46

DS & DN are 6 weeks apart. Tbh we couldn't have planned it better if we'd tried. It was great having my SiL to go shopping with, MiL was brilliant and obviously loved being able to take us both shopping, we could compare notes, be terrified together and to top it all DS & DN are really close buddies with none of the sibling squabbling and shit.

Embrace it Grin

schokolade · 08/11/2015 18:46

My sis and I have DC a couple of months apart. Honestly, it's great. There's someone to share experience and life stage with - you're not the only one at the xmas get together looking out for a child, someone who really gets your sleep deprivation, etc. It also helps if there are more grandchildren - grandparents more likely to sort stair gates and move stupid crystal vases fir example.

Also it's not always best to be the only focus of attention. Sometimes it's nice to have a break from the pressure Smile

You will come to see this for the blessing it is.

BertieBotts · 08/11/2015 18:47

Eh? Surely this is a good thing, as vv exciting, you can share with your sister, and they'll be close cousins :)

I think I do know what you mean as when I got pregnant with DS, very young, 2 months later DP's best friend's girlfriend announced she was pregnant too. I felt like they'd done it on purpose and "stolen my idea" (which was of course silly) and felt a little bit like you re limelight etc.

Looking back, it was mostly hormones. A friend said when I was pretty late on "Oh I think you two will be a really good support for each other" and at the time I thought no, what rubbish, but actually - we were and we ended up pretty close friends whereas I hadn't even liked her much before. I ended up splitting up with DS' dad and moving away, so our DCs aren't friends, but I still keep in touch with her and it's nice.

Give it time and I think you'll find that it is a positive :)

itsmeohlord · 08/11/2015 18:47

Sibling rivalry pure and simple. You need to get over it. Did your sister outshine you as a child and you are worried this might happen with your children.

I think once the babies arrive you will find things much better - you can turn to each other for support and advice. And how lovely for the cousins to be so close in age.

Girlfriend36 · 08/11/2015 18:47

My guess is this is more about you and your sister than anything else, do you resent her/ feel jealous of her generally?

I do sort of understand where you are coming from but you do need to get a grip really, are you not the least bit excited about having a niece or nephew to enjoy? You will probably find that this will bring you and your sister loads closer as you can talk about babies, sleepless nights and sore boobs!!

RB68 · 08/11/2015 18:48

I had terrible time after having been told wld never conceive naturally blah and liturally grieved for the lack of a child when a friend close to me had her first was so upset but tried hard not to let it show. Then SIL announced pregnant when I had been quite poorly for a few weeks and was undergoing tests, my parents had waited and waited for GC, I never told them about being unable to Conceive -partly denial - but turned out I was pregnant too after 15 years of first thinking of wanting a child, they were a month ahead of us, but as it turned out mine was v early and theirs late so mine is 6 weeks older! But they get on great when we see each other (they live in another country) and its fun to see them grow up - granddad "creates" competition but there really isn't much, GP now have 5 GC so finally happy. I just consider myself bloody lucky to have one kid

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