Younger sister announces pregnancy

[cammybear]

Let me start by saying that I know I am definitely being unreasonable. This is more of a post asking for advice as to how I can change my mind on this one.

Husband and I are expecting a baby in January, and are really excited. Family also super excited - it will be my parents' first grandchild. Then last week my younger sister announced that they too are expecting, two months after us. They are much younger than us, and I am really struggling. It was a complete surprise to everyone (whereas ours wasn't), so I hadn't really thought about what would happen were they to announce. But I am really finding it hard. I suppose I just wanted a year when our little one was the family's focus (I really how terrible this sounds!) and now, a few months after the birth, he'll have to share the limelight.

Otherwise, my husband and I get on OK with them, though there is a little tension and distance I suppose. There will be competition, or at least comparisons - more from my side than theirs (I think they're pretty laid back really). Parents are obviously overjoyed to have two on the way, but I was just happy when they were overjoyed with ours!

I am also struggling with my own reaction because I know it's so unreasonable. I am definitely the bad guy in all this. But I feel very emotional about it (also putting it down to hormones). Can anyone say anything to snap me out of this self-pity party?!

Oh dear, I think you made a mistake posting in AIBU, and I think people are misreading your OP. You know you are being unreasonable, you are asking for advice on how to get over it.

The answer is to focus on how lovely it will be for your DC to have a cousin so close in age.

SIL (younger, only just got married to DH's younger brother) announced she was pregnant when we had been unsuccessfully TTCing for a year. I have to admit I nearly threw the phone across the room. As it happened, happily, I was also pregnant but didn't yet know it.

The two cousins adore each other and it is great and has brought us all closer.

We actually see more of the grandparents because there are two grandchildren - they like to have us all to stay at once/visit both in the same weekend. Also MIL has reduced her work hours to see more of GC, not sure that would have happened if there was just one GC.

It's understandable that you might be worried but my unborn little girl has a half brother that's 2 and I know that they'll be loved and showed attention to equally. I'm so glad that my daughter will have a big brother and I'm sure your child will be glad to have a cousin of a similar age

You are only human, I can't understand why some people are so vitriolic about how other people feel. They are being U in my opinion. I have felt similar in similar circumstances, the only person it hurt was me so I really wouldn't have also needed a barrage of abuse on top of that. Being pregnant is a huge emotive issue. Best of luck with it all x

I have sympathy for you and do understand how you're feeling. My DB had his DS 6 months after our DS was born and when they announced the pregnancy I felt a bit like you do. It was a mix of things - he's always been the golden child, conception happened easily for them (it didn't for us) and he does have form (eg got engaged the weekend of my hen do and spent the fortnight before our wedding talking about his and celebrating their engagement). All very reasonable stuff really, but difficult not to feel a twinge, even when you really don't want to.

I dealt with it by never letting it show (not just to them, but to others too) as I didn't want to voice it and generally just swallowing the feelings down. I got over it in the end and the pay off (as others have said) is having two cousins who are really close to each other (now joined by two younger siblings). We live close to them and it's been a great bonding experience for all of us. Seeing the four children playing so happily together (when not fighting - they're 4 and under!) and talking about each other (they genuinely adore each other) when they're apart is one of the loveliest things. They really do make each other so happy.

So yes. I do know how you feel and don't beat yourself up about it, but (as I'm sure you won't) don't let your sister (or parents) know as I don't think my DB and SIL (and consequently the cousins) would be nearly so close now if I'd said anything at the time. I think some people (I know I'm one of them) do compare themselves to others more - it's not my most pleasant character trait and it's one I do try to overcome, but it doesn't make me a bad person or a brat. And I don't think you're bratty to feel this way either.

Cross posted with Alice above, who was a lot clearer than me and with whom I agree absolutely!

"Oh dear, I think you made a mistake posting in AIBU, and I think people are misreading your OP. You know you are being unreasonable, you are asking for advice on how to get over it." I agree. I sometimes wonder how many people on AIBU would happily join a real life stoning.

You need to get a grip. People have babies all the time. Honestly.

You know your reaction is unreasonable which is part of the battle.

You've identified what the issue is - that you for once wanted the attention to be on you. Now I'm not going to shoot you down for this, we all like to feel special and 'the only one' for a while and anyone who says otherwise is lying or deluded.

However sometimes things don't go to plan.

Think of it this way:

• You are happy that she is having a baby as it'll be a lovely thing for her, just like your baby will be lovely for you and DH.
• You know she couldn't avoid telling the family forever as if she's due in March she'll be beginning to show already (my baby is due in Feb and I already feel like a beached whale) so she had no choice.
• You know your sister best but unless there is any reason to suspect otherwise, she's not trying to one up on you.

Think about how lovely it will be to be able to bond over having a child. She'll be able to learn from you as you'll be giving birth first. She's probably really excited and hoping by the time she has her baby that you'll be able to offer feeding/changing advice.

I expect your parents are delighted to have two DGCs being born in the same year. Not to mention they'll never not have someone to play with. There are positives if you allow yourself to think of them.

I know how you feel, OP.

I'd been with my partner for 5 years when I conceived, and was also happy that my baby would be my parents first grandchild.

6 weeks later my brother's girlfriend of 6 months announced she was pregnant, and I quietly seethed and stuck my bottom lip out.

Nearly 12 years later the cousins are best friends, and I can look back and see how silly it was, really.

Your feelings are valid, try not to go through life worrying about what some poor asylum seeker has gone through before deciding if you have a 'problem' or not.

In fact you are being completely selfish and ridiculous, the more I think on it. Having your first child is of course special to you and DH. No-one is taking that away. All the rest of it is just mad.

The whole "New baby in the family" thing dies down after a few months anyway. But I get what you mean by the comparisons! Me and my sister had babies 5 months apart, I was the first (It was my 1st and her 4th) it didn't actually bother me because I just thought "Oh okay then, my baby will have someone to grow up with, it'll be cute" but the 'competition' is really annoying. It comes from my sister more than anything! Like she's got more kids and I don't know what I'm doing! Yet I looked after her's and my other sister's kids as babies...

You're going to have to try and ignore the dumb comparisons if there is any. It's not fair on the baby/child to be compared because they're supposedly 'lagging behind'. All kids develop in their own way at their own pace, so they can eff off. Don't push any baby to catch up, or keep up, with another baby at a similar age! Ever!

I get that. Think it's normal, OP is honest. ON balance though, a cousin so close in age will be an absolute gift for your baby.

OP I understand how you feel and it makes you feel miserable for being so negative but that's how you feel and you obviously haven't chosen to feel like this.

You can't help your feelings but if you can make yourself focus on the positives as mentioned already you can make them fade and eventually disappear.

You know YABU but I actually think you will only BU if you show othershow you feel. Maybe post in Relationships if you need to in future where you won't get such a hammering.

You know you're being unreasonable, OP. But do think about whose limelight you are worried is being stolen - is it really your baby's when he's a few months old - when he won't have the faintest idea - or is it really yours, now?

YABU only for posting in AIBU! I posted a fairly trivial thread in AIBU and it got some helpful responses and some vitriolic less so. I would never post something sensitive like this here.

FWIW, ds1 was the 'only' on both sides for 2 years/ 3 years. It didn't do him any favours. He was totally crowded on family occasions, which made him upset, and then had to share the limelight when other children came along and he was old enough to realise it. His heart was broken a couple of years ago when we went to someone else's birthday party which was a day after his and no-one (not even dh's brother) remembered his birthday.

It's much, much less painful for your ds this way.

I haven't read the whole thread but I am sat here having just found out that I am not pregnant despite trying for nearly two years and I want to shake you.

You are pregnant, your sister is pregnant, get on with it and grow up

I felt the same way when my sister announced her pregnancy 2 months after mine. Not only that - it was twins. She has always felt the need to do one better than me.

I do agree that it is far too easy to blame this on hormones. I hate this picture of pregnant women being automatically irrational/emotional/unreasonable or whatever. How on earth do people think that pregnant women hold down demanding jobs all through their pregnancy - I know of a barrister who carried on making work phone calls during labour!

So, OP, you know you are being unreasonable, so that's fine. As people say, in a year's time you simply won't care about this. Focus on that.

Bully and fantastic for the barrister, Gruntled,. Sadly though. We're not all perfect super fucking humans.

Actually, if you feel like this, it might suggest that there are underlying issues in your family that lead you to feel there is not enough love and attention to go around. Do you think a bit of counselling to explore and resolve deeper issues might help?

GROW UP

i had this, SIL was due 2 weeks after me. i was sooo pissed off. DNeph was born 23 hours after DD in the end. in reality it was great because instead of having "first grandchild fever" concentrated on me it was spread between the two of us and it was nice to have SIL sharing exactly the same things as me at the same time. she is a mdwife so it was a great support to be bfing at the same time. poor FIL and Bil didn't know where to look sometimes, it was "nipples everywhere i look"

i totally understand where you are coming from OP but actually it was a really nice bonding experience for me and SIL and DD/DN are thick as thieves

This is got nothing to do with your hormones or your sister for this matter. As you have admitted; you're very competitive. And your inability to express the slightest bit of happiness and joy for your sister, shows you're also an envious person. I don't see it ending at just this. You will be wanting your child to be their favourite grandchild. I think you need to have a serious think about why you feel do insecure in your family and realise this attention is all about you not the baby.

Yanbu to have these thoughts initially. I am due in Dec and my SIL is due in Feb, initially I was annoyed - mainly because I had HG and was in hospital and she was sailing through. However, each pregnancy is different and every woman is different.

I wouldn't think anymore about it, you will both have little cousins close in age that will love each other and be very close and that is something to cherish. No limelight will be stolen, every child is different so just focus on being the smug one offering advice where you can - and just think, you'll always have someone to have a coffee with or go to soft play if you want to get out of the house!

Oh OP you're pregnant, it's normal to have very strong and not very reasonable feelings about this kind of thing. And at least you know it!

I haven't experienced this, but I would have felt the same about it with one of my sisters, because she's always tried to copy me and be like me and I always hated it. The other sister, wouldn't have minded. Even though either way it wouldn't have been deliberate!

When you have your baby I really don't think it will matter, honestly.

I was an irrational, over-anxious teary mess throughout pregnancy, I really was. I still did my job perfectly well and my brain didn't fall out of my ears.
I was just extremely emotional, which I couldn't help. You can have both.