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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Younger sister announces pregnancy

183 replies

cammybear · 08/11/2015 18:19

Let me start by saying that I know I am definitely being unreasonable. This is more of a post asking for advice as to how I can change my mind on this one.

Husband and I are expecting a baby in January, and are really excited. Family also super excited - it will be my parents' first grandchild. Then last week my younger sister announced that they too are expecting, two months after us. They are much younger than us, and I am really struggling. It was a complete surprise to everyone (whereas ours wasn't), so I hadn't really thought about what would happen were they to announce. But I am really finding it hard. I suppose I just wanted a year when our little one was the family's focus (I really how terrible this sounds!) and now, a few months after the birth, he'll have to share the limelight.

Otherwise, my husband and I get on OK with them, though there is a little tension and distance I suppose. There will be competition, or at least comparisons - more from my side than theirs (I think they're pretty laid back really). Parents are obviously overjoyed to have two on the way, but I was just happy when they were overjoyed with ours!

I am also struggling with my own reaction because I know it's so unreasonable. I am definitely the bad guy in all this. But I feel very emotional about it (also putting it down to hormones). Can anyone say anything to snap me out of this self-pity party?!

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 08/11/2015 19:25

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JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/11/2015 19:25

It can be great having cousins near the same age - think of it more that way and it might help? Also your DC will have a head start if there's any competitiveness between you them! Hmm (funny face of some random kind)

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/11/2015 19:27

Nice, ILiveAtTheBeach.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/11/2015 19:27

Okay my nasty side would say. Are the whole population not allowed to get pregnant in case your glory is stolen.
However. We might not all admit it but we all enjoy having our moment. No one honestly likes having their thunder taken from them, but the only thing to do isc look at it in a positive light. Your DC with have a cousin who he/she will grow up with. I'm sure your parents would hate the the thought of you thinking that they're going to push your DC out when your sisters baby getsc here, but I do understand where you're coming from . Plus I'm not patronizing you but your hormones must be everywhere, ATM. In which there are reasons for things rather than excuses.

hollieberrie · 08/11/2015 19:30

Oh OP I get it. I can imagine myself having a similar reaction.

But now its happened, can you try to focus on the positives? I havent had any DC yet but both my parents are dead, i would love to have any parent there and excited for me if i was expecting.

Not trying to be sanctimonious, just to encourage you to look at the positives. You have parents who love you and are excited for their new grandchild, you have a baby niece or nephew on the way, a cousin for your lovely first born and parenting at the same time might bring you and your sister closer - there's lots to smile about really. Don't beat yourself up, you'll get used to it. Congrats on your pregnancy :)

starlight2007 · 08/11/2015 19:32

A few points...

Firstly when Baby is born you will be too tired to care..

Secondly..Chances are with most things she has been second and presumably you have done many many things before you..

I can tell you when your LO is born if you don't get over your competitiveness you will really struggle if you have a late walker late talker...

I think you need to start a new attitude to life and embrace what you do have

Fishfingersong · 08/11/2015 19:37

There seems to be a lot of jealousy and maybe some unhealthy family dynamics at play here op.

I think it's good though a bit insane to have posted in AIBU you posted to work through your feelings. Unless, of course, you expected everyone to side with you and validate your feelings. Because your post is unsympathetic but feelings aren't always pretty are they? We have them and we deal with them.

You are very lucky from my pof. You have family and your dc will have cousins close in age. Also, imd it is quite awful to have the first and long longed for grandchild in the family, there would be tot much attention and possibly friction. See it as an opportunity to mend your relationship with your dsis. I envy that you have one Smile

Enjolrass · 08/11/2015 19:41

There will be competition, or at least comparisons - more from my side than theirs (I think they're pretty laid back really).

Personally, I think this bit says more than the rest of the OPs post.

She admits it's her. They won't care. She is already imaging the two babies in competition.

There is a back story, but I suspect it's the OPs at the centre of it.

MitzyLeFrouf · 08/11/2015 19:43

Yes that was the bit that jumped out at me. The younger sister may be oblivious.

caravanista13 · 08/11/2015 19:46

This is so sad. My younger sister (unmarried and not in a stable relationship) announced her pregnancy very shortly after our longed for first pregnancy was confirmed. There's quite a big age gap between us and we had never really been close but giving birth within 10 weeks of each other was a turning point. We suddenly had something in common and have been very close ever since, as have the cousins. I really hope you can turn this situation round OP.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/11/2015 19:50

Cara. What's with the dig about your sister not being married. It's 2015 not 1520. I just don't get why that's relevant .
But glad it resulted in you becoming closer

Fluffy24 · 08/11/2015 19:52

Your sister maybe thought the same, there may well be a period when she thought she was pregnant before your news!

I feel more sympathy for her actually, your DC will always be doing things first, passing in hand me downs etc.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 08/11/2015 19:53

christ, some people here are revolting. what happened to 'in the spirit of helping people'?

iliveatthebeach what do YOU do for the refugees? do you concentrate on their plight and manage to run your own life so well that you are never emotional, never struggling, never want some support? If you are, then you might want to consider that some people are not so perfect as you.

Buxtonstill · 08/11/2015 19:54

The next time that you think this way, consider if you will those who will never have children. My feelings and thoughts are for them, not for someone who can't bear anyone else having some attention. How selfish.

5hell · 08/11/2015 19:56

Jeez people give the OP a break...she said she knows she's BU and is unhappy about her reaction - she was asking for help not a character assassination!

OP as you're aware your feelings are a little off kilter, then I think it'll be fine once Jan & March come along. You have a few months to come to terms with your initial reaction and you'll soon be disracted by your wonderful new son.

Other posters have pointed out there are some advantages too, so focus on those and good luck :)

YakTriangle · 08/11/2015 19:56

I don't know why everyone is falling over themselves to give you a good kicking, your OP said you already realised you're being childish selfish and ridiculous. So you already know that you are being unreasonable.

People are agreeing with you that yes, you're being silly. There's no need to leave the thread or the site.. But maybe post in a different section next time because this one is mad.

SurlyCue · 08/11/2015 20:00

Myself and 4 of my cousins were all born within a 4 months period. As a baby i dont think i gave a fuck. As a child it was great! Loads of ready made mates and sleepovers. It helped that our parents were all close i suppose but having cousins close in age was fab.

TheFear · 08/11/2015 20:02

Yes. You're unreasonable. Is your life really that small?
It's great having cousins of similar ages. My family between us had 8 kids within 3 years. My parents were over joyed and treat every grandchild equally. It's wonderful fun when we get together as they are all so close in age and have great fun together.
Hopefully your feeling are just hormones!

SurlyCue · 08/11/2015 20:03

Cara. What's with the dig about your sister not being married.

Because how dare she have what cara has without going about it the 'right' way (marriage, stable relationship). Hmm

KatieLatie · 08/11/2015 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Catsize · 08/11/2015 20:07

OP, I totally get this. My (10yrs younger) DB and his wife said they didn't want children for ages, I got pregnant, they admitted that this made them want to get pregnant too. Hmm
Our children are 4mths apart. Same thing happened when I got pregnant again.
Admittedly, I was a bit miffed but couldn't put my finger on why.
Now, the children are constantly compared by the grandparents and others. If a positive comment is made about one of them, then the other of the same age has to have a similar comment made about them, in an attempt not to make comparisons. It is almost over compensating.
Meanwhile, there is another baby expected in the family - two years after the others - and I am really excited. A natural consequence of the children close in age is that I have had less of an interest in my nieces, as I have been so preoccupied with my own children.
Add into the mix that DB and I have totally different parenting styles in terms of feeding, discipline, etc. Having children has driven a huge wedge between us, which I didn't expect. I thought we would be closer as a result of the children, but the opposite has happened. Sad

llhj · 08/11/2015 20:09

It is nice to be centre of attention sometimes but this situation will work out very nicely. You're baby will have a playmate and actually, it's really good having another baby to take the heat off yours a bit. You'll see, you'll be so wrapped up in this lovely baby that you won't give a toss about what anyone else is doing. Congratulations.

MammaTJ · 08/11/2015 20:10

As I said in my own thread that some posters tried to put me in a negative light in 'It is ok to feel jealousy, it is not ok to show it to people who may be hurt by it'.

OK, so your nose has been put a little out of joint, you realise you are being unreasonable to show that, so have some here to be slated vent a little instead. Entirely the right thing to do.

I am sure you will not let your LSis or your parents know how you feel though, so all will be well.

Greyhorses · 08/11/2015 20:11

I am pregnant with everyone's first grandchild and wish I had a sister to share it with. The constant squabbling about who does or buys what is driving me mad Hmm

BestIsWest · 08/11/2015 20:11

DS and DNeice were born on the same day in the same hospital. DSIL and me were in adjoining beds in the same ward. It was lovely. The DCs were in the same class all the way through primary and even now at 18 they are still very close.