Younger sister announces pregnancy

[cammybear]

Let me start by saying that I know I am definitely being unreasonable. This is more of a post asking for advice as to how I can change my mind on this one.

Husband and I are expecting a baby in January, and are really excited. Family also super excited - it will be my parents' first grandchild. Then last week my younger sister announced that they too are expecting, two months after us. They are much younger than us, and I am really struggling. It was a complete surprise to everyone (whereas ours wasn't), so I hadn't really thought about what would happen were they to announce. But I am really finding it hard. I suppose I just wanted a year when our little one was the family's focus (I really how terrible this sounds!) and now, a few months after the birth, he'll have to share the limelight.

Otherwise, my husband and I get on OK with them, though there is a little tension and distance I suppose. There will be competition, or at least comparisons - more from my side than theirs (I think they're pretty laid back really). Parents are obviously overjoyed to have two on the way, but I was just happy when they were overjoyed with ours!

I am also struggling with my own reaction because I know it's so unreasonable. I am definitely the bad guy in all this. But I feel very emotional about it (also putting it down to hormones). Can anyone say anything to snap me out of this self-pity party?!

I get it. I really do. There are 5 months between my ds1 (dc2) and dniece3. No one Is ever going to convince me that dn3 was 'an accident'. There were lots of issues going on at the time and my sister genuinely couldn't handle me having a bit of attention from our parents. It carried on throughout my pregnancy, when my mum agreed very reluctantly to be my birth partner if dh were still in hospital - he was admitted when I was 39 weeks pregnant and I was admitted with mild pre-eclampsia a few days later. Not surprising given the stress. However, mum was always very clear this was only if absolutely necessary as she really didn't want to do it. Thankfully ds1 was a few days late and dh was out of hospital.

Fast forward a few months to my sister going into labour and she phoned mum to say she was in labour, then sent her husband (and the kids dad) to work, before calling mum again as she didn't know what to do. This is the only time I can feel for her as her third was a natural labour. First was induced, second planned section. So big sister me takes over, drives and fetches her oldest two girls, who were in bits at seeing their mum in so much pain. Tells sister she needs to go to the hospital regardless of what they say as she's down for a vbac and overdue.

Even now I feel my sister competes to make sure her dd's are always at the forefront of our parents attention. We've had rows about it. Every now and then it blows up - just a few weeks ago. I tell my parents how hurt i feel when I'm told 'we can't see you because we're too busy' and then they have one of my nieces for the weekend as my sister needs a break. Or how my youngest dd's face crumples when told she can't have a sleepover. Yet later that same day a niece phones nanny and begs for a sleepover, and nanny relents. It's soul destroying. I wonder what on earth my family and I have done for my parents to ignore us, push us aside so much. And I'm struggling to deal with it at the moment even more as dh has basically wants to go NC if they think that little of us.

So no, I will not say you are selfish. I will not tell you to give your head a wobble. Your feelings are just as valid as the next persons and it's very hard to get over the feeling even if there might not be anything to it. It always boils down to how another person's actions make you feel and no one else can tell you that is wrong.

But, I can say try and see the good things. Cousins similar ages, someone close who will know exactly how yet another sleepless night can make you feel. Those things are small, and may be very far between. But nonetheless if you want to swallow your pride and be the bigger person, those little things will be the first building blocks in helping that happen.

I think you are being self centred and childish. I too announced preg just after my in sis in law her first i have other children. I felt like i was taking away her special moment but u seem to think shes taking urs?? Then i had a more realistic thought i didnt plan it to coincide and neither did ur sis why should we feel bad about it? you should be over joyed for her and yourself. fortunayy my sisin law is thrilled we are always vcomparing symptoms researching baby gear all that sad stuff together. Yiu could be using it as an op to bond with ur little sis, see her as your pregnancy buddy. Want what you want for yourself unto others not much to ask is it?

Good point that when her baby arrives you might be glad of them getting the attention - my DS is 16 weeks now and I am a bit tired of him being treated like a doll to be shown off and passed around and nobody gets that he needs a bit of structure now so people wake him up all the time and want to feed him constantly. I'm looking forward to his cousin being born and people maybe backing off from us a bit plus SIL will hopefully understand why we can't go out and do things at the drop of a hat like we used to!

just seems a really childish attitude to me. But then I always think that about jealousy. It really doesn't sit well on anyone too old for a playground.

Your little one is going to have a cousin of the same age that's lovely! I wish my DS had that prospect but it's unlikely as I'm an only child and DP's brothers don't look like they will have kids for a long time, if ever.

Don't worry about comparisons, people will do this anyway, with their neighbour's brother's postman's kids if not your niece/nephew. Don't engage with it if you don't want to.

Don't just blame hormones. I can't remember a single time when I was pregnant that my hormones made me behave differently than usual (other than physical stuff like puking). My colleague who was in a senior position with lots of responsibility had her ability to do her job questioned by a male colleague when she was pregnant due to "hormones". So, I don't think this kind of talk does women any favours.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Lol, cammy, there's your hormones right there. Have a cup of tea and rethink the flounce.

What did you expect people to say though? How would saying "aw, poor you" have helped you to get the "selfish out of [your] system"?

People are being brutally honest, which is that you're being ridiculous. Lots of people have shared positive aspects to focus on. Those are ways to work through the feelings.

Honestly, I think you wanted validation.

OP- I thought this would be a little more of a supportive place in which to do this. you didn't think that at all. You hoped people would tell you you are right, your dsis shouldn't have a baby the same year as you. Most people have been quite supportive with many of us relaying our own tales and how they turned out fine.

You expected support and understanding?? Wow!

The responses you got should make you realise you need to take a serious look at yourself.

You really picked the wrong part of MN if you wanted support with an issue such as this

PFB behaviour and the child isn't even born yet. I dread to think what you're going to be like when he does arrive.

Again a bit silly to
'Over and out' just because posters aren't saying what you want them to.

Are you generally like this?

You've had plenty of people tell you to look on the bright said as they'll be close in age. reni is right - you actually wanted people to agree with you.

There is no way - other than reading the other positive stories on this thread - that you can change how you feel, other than realising you need to give your head a wobble and get over it.

Of course we all have negative feelings. Don't let them get in the way of your happiness and happiness that you will be welcoming a niece or nephew. If you have a good relationship you and your sister and your families could have a great time together in the future.

Honestly it will be awesome. The shock and tantrums is likely hormones. Focus on the positives:
Someone close to moan about pregnancy too, someone who understands.
Ditto she will be there for you for all the firsts as well and you can celebrate milestones like first day of school together, supporting each other.
The kids will be the same age and can grow up together supporting each other.

My DN is same school year as my DD. They get on well and DSil and myself can share pick ups and drop offs as well as call each other when we don't understand homework etc

I wouldn't change it. I love it and it's brought us closer to go through some big things together (like them starting secondary school!!)

Imagine if sister's DC reaches milestones before OP's. All hell will break loose.

Oh, stop being such a gobshite.

I just read ur post op about wanting to be honest about ur feelings and i am sorry for my former post. I suppose they are your natural feelings and its hard to control them, we all have our inner demons. Im sure u will feel differently once u amd ur sis give birth, hopefully it will make ur relationship better than ever before.

I wish u the best of luck with your pregnancy!

You're having a baby in a few months - it's time to grow up.

My dd is a few months younger than my nephew ( husbands side of the family) and my sister had a baby in the same year I had one. We all got over it, my eldest dd and my nephew are as thick as thieves, its lovely to see them share experiences, stories etc (they're 10). My youngest and my niece are exceptionally close too (they're 3 and 4).

YABVU. It's all me me me.

At least the timing will mean your parents can treasure both grandchildren at the same time rather than one set of parents believing theirs is more important and needing its own spotlight. It's just a whole new level after bridezillas, believing they are the first to ever have a child.

It never occurred to me that my eldest was the first grandchild on both sides. Until I realised he didn't have any cousins. We waited years and years for me of my/dh siblings to have a little cousin, it's great.

It sounds like you don't like your sister.

Going against the grain like usual

I get it - but the feeling does pass

OMG. You are, and I say it with kindness, Hormental.

You were defiantly brave to post in AIBU, of all places, about this!

I think it's difficult on two counts - 1. blaming hormones sounds like such an excuse that a lot of people simply don't buy. This is what you think and feel, regardless of hormones. And 2. feeling like this is total anathema to many (genuinely), that it's hard to know where to even begin to advise getting over it. Either you'd feel like this about an imminent niece/nephew, or you wouldn't.

All you can do is focus on the overwhelming positives in this scenario, but you know this already. How about just riding these feelings out - allow them, and have a bit of a wallow - and then focus on all the good things.

I will never have a niece or nephew, let alone one born so close in age to my DC. I honestly couldn't think of anything nicer in the world. :)

Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck with the birth.

Sigh, my husband is like this about our children and his sister's children. My in laws love all their grandchildren. It is great to have cousins growing up together the same age. They are a real gang together and have a jolly good time always.

I feel for my DH, he is a great father. I don't understand why he feels so jealous of his sister and by extension her children. From what I can see, his parents are kind and attentive and have tried to do their best by him and his sister and all the grandchildren always. (I realise other families may have very different dynamics.)

I personally heaved a sigh of relief when the first cousin was born. The amount of focus and attention on one little baby didn't seem healthy. I think it was good to share the limelight a little.

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. I think if you are aware of it, you can check yourself a little. In the end this will pass. You will be involved in being a mum to your baby and will identify less and less as a daughter fighting for your mum's attention. You just won't have time and your priorities will shift.