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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spend some time with my young DC on Christmas Day?

175 replies

Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 13:43

For wanting to spend some time with my Children on Christmas Day ?

Every Christmas , DH , our 3 DC and I drive an hour away to my parents house for lunch.

We then drive 30 minutes from my parents to his parents for a buffet supper.

We then drive 45 mins back to home .

I'm a bit fed up of it . We spend the day driving to everyone else - we leave in the morning , and get back at night by which point the DC are exhausted and go straight to bed .

This year I want to spend some time back at home with my DC snuggled up with a Christmas film and playing with their new toys .

So I've said to my parents that we will come for lunch as usual but we will be leaving earlier to go to DH parents . No problems .

We then told DH parents that we will still be visiting as usual , but we won't be staying for supper . We've said we want to get back home earlier to spend some time together .

This apparently is very selfish of me as they wont get very long with the DGC . They'll get about 1.5 hours before we set off for home .

They see the DGC every week, however they are not happy with 1.5 hours as its Christmas .

That's my point too though - it's Christmas and we spend it at their house with no time to ourselves as a family .

I just want to keep everyone happy but also spend some time with my DC . We are usually so busy and I work full time so I want to make the most of our time off together.

But I feel bad now .

AIBU ? AIB selfish ?

OP posts:

Postchildrenpregranny · 08/11/2015 16:59

As someone else said, be glad your DCs have GPs to spend Christmas with, however you work it out . .
By the time my DD1 was 8, 2 of her 4 grandparents were dead, the third before she was 14. I was glad we had always made the effort to drive 120 miles to see my parents, brother and SIL the weekend before Christmas (they were getting on a bit as both they and we had our DCs 'late' in life). And to my PsIL the weekend after, in the opposite direction, also 100 miles . . My PsIL moved near us when DD1 was 3. We used to alternate cooking Christmas dinner until FIL died, then MIL came to us (DH is an only child). I always envy people with 'local' relatives and big families who have a loads of people squashed into their houses on Christmas Day.

diddl · 08/11/2015 17:01

Also, why always lunch with your parents & supperwith his?

UptownFunk00 · 08/11/2015 17:06

Could you do it the other way around i.e. lunch at PILs and afternoon/early evening with your parents?

mollie123 · 08/11/2015 17:23

I am frankly amazed at the intransigence and selfishness of grandparents in this instance - although I would respectfully advance the opinion that Christmas is about everyone - not just children, parents or grandparents.
It should be a happy time not one filled with angst and guilt
When I was young - it was Christmas dinner at home and visting on Boxing day
when I became a parent - it was Christmas dinner at my house and boxing day with the Grandparents (fortunately we all lived close)
nowadays as a grandparent I visit DS and DIL and DGS for lunch on Christmas day and then shoot off for home on early Boxing day. They then go to other Grandparents for Boxing day and stay over as they live some 2 hour drive away.
works fine - for all of us and I am always suggesting that we could change the rotation if they wanted but we find it suits us all (dog included) to do it this way.
OP - to get back to your dilemma - you are NBU and the grandparents should be more flexible to avoid all the travelling you have to do

AliceInUnderpants · 08/11/2015 17:29

I see it as three choices:

Keep doing it as you are
Cancel them both and stay at home, visit them on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day if you can.
Keep visiting them on Xmas Day and make your own 'movie and play day' on Boxing Day instead.

Pilgit · 08/11/2015 17:37

I hate all the guilt and pressure. For years I allowed myself to be pushed and pulled about. My BIL likes having everyone together but only at his house. One year fine. Second year I had to work between Christmas and new year said no. Got guilted into it on the basis we leave first thing boxing day. I wanted to spend some time at home and DD1 wanted to spend time with her presents. But other BIL wasn't turning up till 27th and MIL 'really wants everyone at one meal' so we stayed for lunch. But BIL2 didn't arrive till teatime. So we left at 7pm. 150 miles home. Back at work 8am the following day. I was livid and swore never again. BIL will notgo anywhere now aa he has children! One rule for him. One rule for us. So now I just say no.

winterinmadeira · 08/11/2015 17:47

It seems to me that this has become a habit which has become hard to break. You are not selfish for wanting to spend time with your dc instead of time in a car. As a kid we were traipsed between the relatives on Xmas day and it was utterly miserable. Just tell them all that this year (or next if you can't quite face the fallout) you and dc are staying at home.

IsItMeOr · 08/11/2015 18:41

Am I the only one who thinks that it is more special having a meal with someone, than just visiting?

So I think that your PILs are being short-changed in that they are being offered both less time and less meals than your parents. That would be my best guess about why they feel put out.

It sounds like the buffet is a big thing for PILs, so they have always been happy with your going for that instead of lunch.

Sounds like you need to grow a thicker skin tbh, as they are not going to concede gracefully. Although they sound like they have accepted that you will go to them in the afternoon and leave before tea (although I can't see when you fill feed your DC...).

DinosaursRoar · 08/11/2015 18:55

If someone says no to coming to you because what you aren't offering is enough, it's not your job to find a thing you can offer them that's more suitable. If they wanted to see you at Christmas, they'd find a way.

diddl · 08/11/2015 19:03

Well I should imagine the buffet is a big deal to the ILs as it's their meal with OP & family on Christmas Day!

amitho · 08/11/2015 19:15

I like to visit family on Xmas day. I'm not a spend all day in pj's person (can't you do that any old day??) I also think you could host it at yours quite easily. But having said all that it's really up to you. But as with everything in life , you can do exactly what you want but you can't control how people feel about it!

Agadooo · 08/11/2015 19:16

Please let's talk about the buffet some more ??

millefeuille1 · 08/11/2015 19:20

This one can be so difficult, but it would be so much better if families with reasonable travelling distances saw it as a three day celebration (work permitting of course). As long as everyone who wants to gets to see the children at some point over Christmas eve/day/boxing day that should be fine. That way, parents with young children can have the day to themselves if they wish (and I'm guessing a lot of them do wish!).
I think it is quite sad that children end up spending the day in the car being ferried from pillar to post rather than having a nice day at home with parents and their new toys.
I know lots of families don't mind travelling around, but I feel very sorry for the ones who feel under pressure to do it when they don't want to.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 08/11/2015 19:20

We broke with family sodding ritual tradition and stayed home last year and it was UTTER BLISS . We had a lazy morning,went for a walk, ate lunch late, played with new toys, watch a film in our pjs and drank way too much Prosecco. We saw in-laws the weekend before and my parents & siblings on 27th and it worked really well plus the kids thought it was brilliant having so many Christmas days .

DixieNormas · 08/11/2015 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon · 08/11/2015 19:37

Just tell them all that Christmas is about the booze and you will therefore no longer be driving to visit, but they would all be welcome for a tequila/gin buffet at 7pm.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/11/2015 20:00

"Well I should imagine the buffet is a big deal to the ILs as it's their meal with OP & family on Christmas Day!".

But isn't it the time with their family that's the important thing, diddl, rather than the catering?

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/11/2015 20:01

If you want to stay at home, stay at home. your parents have arranged for people to be there, your PiL have people there.

Just don't go.

diddl · 08/11/2015 20:08

Well yes it should also be about the visit.

But for a lot of people having or being a guest for Christmas lunch is a big deal.

The ILs don't get that so obviously the buffet is a big thing for them.

But realistically it's too much in one day.

I think that OP should do one or the other or neither!

You can't please all of the people all of the time so please yourself instead!

Jeffreythegiraffe · 08/11/2015 20:30

Christmas is not about spending the day in the car.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 08/11/2015 20:33

My guess is that your PIL, having agreed to your staying a shorter time on the day, and leaving before the buffet will change the time at which they serve the buffet. You may find it magically appears an hour earlier than usual making it hard for you not to partake before you hit the road

memememum · 08/11/2015 21:51

Would it be any good to stay at the second location longer? Have supper there and stay on till kids bedtime, relax and have fun with the children at their house then put them in the car in their pyjamas.

GloriaSmellens · 08/11/2015 22:13

I think this thread must hold the world record for number of times the word 'buffet' appears in one forum thread!

Mmmmm, buffet......

CheerfulYank · 08/11/2015 22:20

Buffet buffet buffet. :o

I think Christmas is for everyone, not just kids, but I think you've been more than reasonable.

My children have always slept in their own beds on Christmas Eve and woken up in our house on Christmas morning. I refuse to budge on that. We don't usually do anything with family on the actual day but I've decided to invite the in laws for brunch this year.

Yanbu. If they don't want to come to yours, that's their lookout.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 08/11/2015 22:22

tall Christmas IS about families but what if one simply doesn't like spending hours with the extended family?

We don't because it's always on MIL's terms....she always wants us at hers and she decides the menu and the activities and we're tired of that.

She won't hear of coming to us so this year we've said "We will come and visit at about 9.00am for an hour and then go home"

She's not alone as her DD and husband and nephew will be with her

Her fantasy of us all gathered around her house has to end now....we want to eat what we want and do what we want.

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