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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend some time with my young DC on Christmas Day?

175 replies

Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 13:43

For wanting to spend some time with my Children on Christmas Day ?

Every Christmas , DH , our 3 DC and I drive an hour away to my parents house for lunch.

We then drive 30 minutes from my parents to his parents for a buffet supper.

We then drive 45 mins back to home .

I'm a bit fed up of it . We spend the day driving to everyone else - we leave in the morning , and get back at night by which point the DC are exhausted and go straight to bed .

This year I want to spend some time back at home with my DC snuggled up with a Christmas film and playing with their new toys .

So I've said to my parents that we will come for lunch as usual but we will be leaving earlier to go to DH parents . No problems .

We then told DH parents that we will still be visiting as usual , but we won't be staying for supper . We've said we want to get back home earlier to spend some time together .

This apparently is very selfish of me as they wont get very long with the DGC . They'll get about 1.5 hours before we set off for home .

They see the DGC every week, however they are not happy with 1.5 hours as its Christmas .

That's my point too though - it's Christmas and we spend it at their house with no time to ourselves as a family .

I just want to keep everyone happy but also spend some time with my DC . We are usually so busy and I work full time so I want to make the most of our time off together.

But I feel bad now .

AIBU ? AIB selfish ?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 08/11/2015 15:18

What does your dh think?

Pipestheghost · 08/11/2015 15:18

I know what you mean about all out war opGrin

Wagglebees · 08/11/2015 15:19

Stay at home! Your in laws have family with them, your parents have each other (and possibly other family?), you have young children. Spending the actual day at home isn't unreasonable at all.

Do the day of visits in the week between Christmas Day and New Year.

Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:20

What a drudge of a Christmas Day....having to sort out timings to the nearest half an hour in fear of offending family.

Pathetic

Would the parents really not understand if you decided to stay home? Surely they could pop by with gifts etc.

Blimey I'm glad my parents had always been easy going. I'd hate to be expected to root up my family in Christmas Day.

Andylion · 08/11/2015 15:23

OP, I was going to suggest alternating visits, your family this year. ILs, next, but it sounds convenient to do both as they are close to each other. Or you could alternate visiting both with staying home. Or you could have the ILs over for only dessert.

Are your DCs the only GCs on either side of the family? Ultimately, it sounds like neither set of GPs will be alone on Christmas Day, so I see no reason to do what you have suggested, shorter visits.

Flyonthewindscreen · 08/11/2015 15:23

You are allowed to stay at home you know! We went to the ILs for 11 years on the trot because of not wanting to upset people and it just meant the tradition became more and more ingrained and they felt more entitled to always host. When we stopped going, there was certainly some stropping but there was no all out war.

The first year you stay at home is the big battle because the older generation will resist changing a pattern that suits them and then it gradually gets easier. Is is really too much of a squeeze to invite both sets of parents for a very easy buffet? If they refuse it's not your fault if they don't see their DGC on the day. You could then offer to spend a whole day (with each set of parents) of their choosing (doesn't have to be Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if they have plans already) at their houses with no looking at watches, having to move on or getting there late in the day.

howabout · 08/11/2015 15:24

YANBU, but I think this is about the politics of ILs and you do appear to be favouring your own parents. Why are everyone else's plans before and after the day already so immoveable?

The weather where we are is unreliable for travel on Christmas Day. We stay at home and it is lovely. DH is used to Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve and he has converted me, so I don't cook for anyone on the Day and we all veg out with toys and the TV. Visiting happens before / after Christmas depending on the weather and when people are available.

I have 2 hungry teenagers and even they are not fit for full Christmas Dinner followed by a buffet.

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:26

As a result of the replies and me feeling even worse , I emailed parents the following options :

We will stay an extra half hour and leave jus before they have tea - they said no stick to original times as they are in a huff

I then offered them to come to us and I'll order in a curry . They said no.

Now what ? Confused

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 08/11/2015 15:26

Staying at home will not cause an all out war. Some toys may get thrown out of the pram but that will be it.

Why should you spend the day running around after anyone. Take a break and give yourself a Christmas at home for once. Nobody is going to die as a result of this.

Point out that at some point, they stopped going to their parents and this year, is the year you are doing the same.

DoreenLethal · 08/11/2015 15:27

Now what

'In that case, we will just stay home'.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 08/11/2015 15:28

The people to consider are your children. For me, Christmas is about the children, considering them first and relaxing with them. So I say, stay at home with your husband and children, open presents, watch TV, play board games, snuggle in front of the fire. Make a Christmas Day memory that's about your little family.

And to those banging on about sodding buffets. Why should she make one?? The puzzled smiley faces are so patronising! You might be happy to make one. You might think it's easy. But it's still a stress on a day that's supposed to be about relaxation.

You are not being selfish! You have made reasonable suggestions to compromise and if they're not acceptable then tough.

Canyouforgiveher · 08/11/2015 15:28

I think everyone is missing the point here by fixating on the buffet situation. Yes, technically, OP could do a buffet but why should she? She is happy to visit her IL's on Christmas day, she just wants to leave a bit earlier. So PIL's have had a strop and accused her of being selfish. Why the hell would you want to go to the trouble of laying on a spread for people who are so rude? This isn't about food, it's about the in laws wanting everything their way because that's how they've always done it.

Exactly this.

I think it is very funny that the OP is trying to balance the demands of two sets of people at least one of which are refusing to compromise. And now she has drawn on herself a whole new set of people who are equally insistent that she MUST STAY HOME even though she has said over and over she will not do that.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 08/11/2015 15:29

Meh further to your last post OP I'd say yanbu not to make a buffet. I'd stick with your original plan to have lunch with DPs and then pop in to see PILs for same amount of time but not stay for supper or if everyone has other family around on Xmas day you could stay home.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 15:31

Sooo, is there a chance that if you 'even Stevened' the iLs would stop complaining? I know, I know it may be just 30 mins, but perhaps if you were able to say "Look, we're spending 3.4564234561 hours at theirs and 3.4564234561 hours at yours. The same amount of time." Do you think that might help?

I still think you have the right to do what you want, though. Just that a bit of adjusting time here and there might solve the issue, iyswim. If, however, they still aren't happy (with the equal time) then they're just being petulant and selfish.

CiriLioness · 08/11/2015 15:31

Op, I really think you should just stay home. You're under no obligations to visit anyone. You can cook your own dinner, the kids can have play time and then you can relax with films. You can set your own traditions. It's not selfish to want to spend Christmas at home. Why should you and the DC be dragged from one house to another? Especially driving after eating would be a tough time for me with my travel sickness!

Why exactly should OP make them food? The DGPs claimed it was unfair they wouldn't get enough time with their DGC yet decline to go to the OP's because there's no food? That's utter rubbish as it seems they're only interested when it's on their terms.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/11/2015 15:32

Taz - I don't know what you do on Boxing Day normally, but could you postpone your Christmas Day until then, so you can spend the 25th doing the travelling you have to do, to visit all the parents and in-laws, then have Christmas Day the way you want it on the 26th?

Or maybe suggest to both sets of parents that you alternate - one Christmas you do it the way you always have, the next, you can have the who,e day at home, doing your own Christmas, then visit them all on Boxing Day?

TheLesserSpottedBee · 08/11/2015 15:36

Ask them to move the times of the buffet and in turn the Christmas lunch?

We have this, every Christmas my children open presents and then we are off. Luckily it is just 1 hour in the car, it used to be 3. But we see both families and then boxing day we pull up the draw bridge and stay in our jim jams. gorging on chocolate

But we are happy to do it.

Why can parents/PIL not move their Christmas eve/boxing day plans, or make it known this is the last year you will do it and next year you are staying home for Christmas day.

Oldraver · 08/11/2015 15:39

Tell them you are staying sat home.I am off the 'not dragging young DC's around on Christmas Day school

Anyone who moaned that the amount of time wasnt good enough when I had dragged DC's out on Christmas Day would be told in no uncertain terms it was THEM thats being selfish

Inertia · 08/11/2015 15:42

The bottom line is that you cannot possibly please everybody unless you do everything to the exact specifications of both your parents and your inlaws.

So you have a few choices:

  • Follow your orders, meaning that you and the children are unhappy
  • Negotiate your visiting and say that you can do xyz on Christmas Day or visit on a different day entirely
  • Stay home and do whatever the hell you like in terms of lunch/ buffets.

There isn't a please-everyone solution here. You might have to upset the applecart a bit if you want things to change.

Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:42

What a strange way to live.

Make sure you clock in properly with your timer on Christmas Day....

Sounds like a load of martyrish bleuh ....on all sides.

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:47

only1scoop it's not martyrish to at least try to make an effort with family at Christmas .

The issue is here, I'm the only one willing to budge . Not being a martyr Confused

OP posts:
DaggerEyes · 08/11/2015 15:48

how about you go away for Christmas, and call them at the hour you are expected to arrive saying you are abroad. Then this 'all out war' can simp,y happen in a whole different country to the one you are holidaying in.
If my family ever threatened me with 'war', well.....id demote them to the lowest level of 'family' possible. Cheap cards once a year if that.

Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:50

It is slightly to state several times you 'want to stay home' 'don't like the driving around etc' and continue to do it.

hefzi · 08/11/2015 15:53

If your parents have Open House, which is why they can't come to you, could they not invite your in-laws? Then you'd only have one set of visits to make, and could do all the GP in one fell swoop and one drive, your IL could go home for their buffet, and you could be home in your jamas by tea...

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/11/2015 15:55

Could you do it the other way round, Tazmanic? Go to your PIL for Christmas lunch, leave immediately afterwards to spend a couple of hours with your parents, then home?

It shouldn't involve any greater driving distance, it would mean your PIL couldn't complain at you not staying for a 'meal', and (as it sounds as if your parents have others to host over Christmas lunch, anyway) your parents could have the post-lunch period for a more 'hands-on' uninterrupted (by lunch) time, playing with your children.

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