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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend some time with my young DC on Christmas Day?

175 replies

Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 13:43

For wanting to spend some time with my Children on Christmas Day ?

Every Christmas , DH , our 3 DC and I drive an hour away to my parents house for lunch.

We then drive 30 minutes from my parents to his parents for a buffet supper.

We then drive 45 mins back to home .

I'm a bit fed up of it . We spend the day driving to everyone else - we leave in the morning , and get back at night by which point the DC are exhausted and go straight to bed .

This year I want to spend some time back at home with my DC snuggled up with a Christmas film and playing with their new toys .

So I've said to my parents that we will come for lunch as usual but we will be leaving earlier to go to DH parents . No problems .

We then told DH parents that we will still be visiting as usual , but we won't be staying for supper . We've said we want to get back home earlier to spend some time together .

This apparently is very selfish of me as they wont get very long with the DGC . They'll get about 1.5 hours before we set off for home .

They see the DGC every week, however they are not happy with 1.5 hours as its Christmas .

That's my point too though - it's Christmas and we spend it at their house with no time to ourselves as a family .

I just want to keep everyone happy but also spend some time with my DC . We are usually so busy and I work full time so I want to make the most of our time off together.

But I feel bad now .

AIBU ? AIB selfish ?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 08/11/2015 14:58

But OP hasn't said she isn't going to see all of their families. She said she just wants to cut the visits a little bit short so she gets to spend some time with her kids. But the pil don't want that. She offered for them to come to her but they don't want that either.

I don't see what's selfish about that at all. Seems like the pil don't want to compromise.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 08/11/2015 14:59

Sorry OP I have to agree with what arethere said re food. I think sharing a meal is an important part of family Xmas - but then I love food... Grin

Ragwort · 08/11/2015 15:01

The way you have phrased it makes it sound as though you are perfectly happy to go your parents for lunch - but not so willing to spend time with your ILs.

Just stay at home all day, cook your own lunch and sodding buffet and invite one set for a meal before Christmas and one set for a meal or buffet after Christmas. It doesn't have to be everything on Christmas day.

Or why can't you just have your pyjama/film day with your DC on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day/any other day & see the rest of the family as previously arranged. People get obsessed about 25th December. Hmm

You all sound totally inflexible.

rollonthesummer · 08/11/2015 15:02

I'd probably be miffed if my son and family said they were going to my DIL's family for Christmas dinner, but would only see me for a bit in the afternoon so they could go home to eat OR said I could visit them, but they wouldn't feed me!

Can't they do a buffet and bring it to yours?

Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:03

What does your dh think?

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:03

I have explained many times up thread why I can not have both families here .

I can't see how you can say I'm being inflexible - I just don't want to stay for supper !

OP posts:
seagreengirl · 08/11/2015 15:03

I actually think that to be the fairest that you can be to all the Grandparents, you need to stay at home Christmas day, on your own as a family, and just enjoy it for once. Otherwise the ILs are definitely coming off worse, (not that this should matter anyway)

Could you do this OP?

rollonthesummer · 08/11/2015 15:04

The way you have phrased it makes it sound as though you are perfectly happy to go your parents for lunch - but not so willing to spend time with your ILs.

Yes-that's what I was badlytrying to say.

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:04

Also my parents see the DC maybe once per month because of our work commitments and their own work commitments .

DH family see the children every week . I can't see what going to my family has to do with it - we're seeing the in laws too Confused

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/11/2015 15:05

If you don't WANT to do a buffet then that's fair enough but you can if you want.
A buffet can take all day to prep or about 10 minutes, and the same to clear up.
However, I do agree on the driving around on Xmas day, we now refuse to do it. We spend alternate years with dp's or il's and I always spend Xmas mornings here. I've done the rushing between families on the same day thing and I just won't do it any more. How about Xmas with one set nd Boxing Day with the others ( with buffet?)

Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:05

But the impression you give in your Op is that you are sick of traipsing around on the day with your family.

Many of us have tried to look at solutions to stay home.

Now seems you are happy with the visiting.

Hey ho

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:05

I don't want to go to my parents for lunch .

I want to stay home .

I'm going because it's only fair to everyone !

I just want to cut short the time with both families .

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 08/11/2015 15:06

What does it matter why OP can't make a buffet? She's offered a perfectly good way of giving her PILs some time with the DC either earlier at their house or by virtue of them coming to hers. If they choose to refuse because they can't dictate the menu, it's their loss.

I can't understand why anyone would be that bothered about food in the evening anyway if they've had a full Christmas lunch. Tell them they can have turkey sandwiches and like it.

Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:06

SO STAY HOME

yorkshapudding · 08/11/2015 15:07

I think everyone is missing the point here by fixating on the buffet situation. Yes, technically, OP could do a buffet but why should she? She is happy to visit her IL's on Christmas day, she just wants to leave a bit earlier. So PIL's have had a strop and accused her of being selfish. Why the hell would you want to go to the trouble of laying on a spread for people who are so rude? This isn't about food, it's about the in laws wanting everything their way because that's how they've always done it.

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:08

I am sick of it, but I do it to keep everyone happy .

It's always worked that way , until I've decided to cut short the time with both families . DH parents are now not happy as they want more time .

I can't host here , there's not enough room . I can't do either other days because they have plans.

OP posts:
seagreengirl · 08/11/2015 15:09

I'm going because it's only fair to everyone

Except for you and the kids. We have made the decision that we are going to break the cycle of alternate years with the Grandparents next year and add in staying at home every now and then. You sound nice, be selfish for once.

MrsMolesworth · 08/11/2015 15:09

OP, I think there has to be some compromise. If you are not spending hours driving, then it wouldn't hurt you to get a buffet ready. the point of a buffet is that it's easy food. Buy cheeses and bread and crispbread, cold meats, potato salads and coleslaws, a meat pie or some ready made pastries to warm in the oven, a chocolate log and mince pies, made on Christmas Eve or shop bought. It can take less than twenty minutes to get that stuff together, and DC can help.

I understand you are shattered from fitting everyone in on the day, but be gracious about how much they long to see you all. My DPs have very little interest in their GC and will come, drink wine, talk about themselves and not ask DC a single question about their lives. Don't take for granted their interest. And it's pretty inhospitable to say: come to us but I won't feed you.

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:10

Staying home is not an option . That will cause all out war Shock

I just don't want to stay for sodding supper Grin

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 08/11/2015 15:11

Why?

LittleBearPad · 08/11/2015 15:12

Just stay home.

Or go to PILs for lunch and DPs afterwards.

lorelei9 · 08/11/2015 15:14

the fact that they think food is the most important thing here is proof that you are better off doing as you please!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 15:15

So you're shortening time with both parents. On the surface, that sounds fine. It should be fine. But if you're spending 4 hours at your parents and 1.5 hours at the iLs when before it was 50/50 time spent I can see (rightly or wrongly) where the iLs might feel shortchanged.

And IMO, time spent with GP during the year is different than time spent Christmas Day. I don't think I'd feel that just because one set of GPs saw my DC more during the year that they should see them less than the other set of GP on Christmas Day.

rollonthesummer · 08/11/2015 15:16

Your in laws are definitely getting a worse deal than your parents though, so in trying to be fair-you actually aren't. You and your family aren't happy and your in laws aren't happy. Your parents are they only people who this is fair to-is that fair? ;)

Original poster
Tazmanic · 08/11/2015 15:17

Both sets of parents are having the same time .

Albeit mine might get 30 minutes more over lunch . 30 minutes though .

OP posts:
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