To want to spend some time with my young DC on Christmas Day?

[Tazmanic]

For wanting to spend some time with my Children on Christmas Day ?

Every Christmas , DH , our 3 DC and I drive an hour away to my parents house for lunch.

We then drive 30 minutes from my parents to his parents for a buffet supper.

We then drive 45 mins back to home .

I'm a bit fed up of it . We spend the day driving to everyone else - we leave in the morning , and get back at night by which point the DC are exhausted and go straight to bed .

This year I want to spend some time back at home with my DC snuggled up with a Christmas film and playing with their new toys .

So I've said to my parents that we will come for lunch as usual but we will be leaving earlier to go to DH parents . No problems .

We then told DH parents that we will still be visiting as usual , but we won't be staying for supper . We've said we want to get back home earlier to spend some time together .

This apparently is very selfish of me as they wont get very long with the DGC . They'll get about 1.5 hours before we set off for home .

They see the DGC every week, however they are not happy with 1.5 hours as its Christmas .

That's my point too though - it's Christmas and we spend it at their house with no time to ourselves as a family .

I just want to keep everyone happy but also spend some time with my DC . We are usually so busy and I work full time so I want to make the most of our time off together.

But I feel bad now .

AIBU ? AIB selfish ?

I hear you OP. This year - first for five years- I said no. We have 2 young DC's (5 and 3) and we have done every combination of family visiting since my eldest arrived. We have even had to stop for breakfast more then once to fit everyone in. Last year we drove hours/miles on Xmas eve to my fathers where he basically told the children off for being excited and fawned over his new girlfriend while making the children wait until 4pm for their Xmas presents on the big day. We then repeated the following the next day at the inlaws for Boxing Day. No one slept in new beds and me and my DH ended up more exhausted than before. This year, with DH support, we said we were staying at home. I've been saving all year to buy a COOK Xmas lunch to minimise stress and I'm going to enjoy it. We may to do a magic Xmas night drive across London to look at the lights but we also may not. I can't not wait

When do your wishes become important, Taz? Why don't you deserve to have the Christmas you want?

It is about balance - and at the moment, in my view, your arrangements are unbalanced - it is all about what your parents and particularly your in-laws want at Christmas, and this is always prioritised above what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting your Christmas to be what you want, at least some of the time.

And think about this - you say it is not martyrish to make an effort with family at Christmas - but why does that not apply equally to your in-laws? Why is there no expectation that they could make a bit of an effort so you, your dh and your dc can have the Christmas you want?

It is all about give and take - but this doesn't have to mean all give from you and all take from them.

Where does your DH stand in this? What does you DH do on Christmas day? Maybe you could let him do all the driving on Christmas Day (so he can't have a drink) and let him deal with the DCs when they become fractious/tired then see how he feels at end of the day when he hasn't had a minute to himself.

What now?

Say you're staying home.

I'd stick two fingers up to the lot of them tbh. And stay at home all day with my dc and dh, in my pjs.

There seem to be so many threads lately with dg's making all the running and demanding their dc and dgc all traipse about on Xmas day visiting. I can't think of anything worse on Xmas day.

We have 4 kids and we will be at home, every year pil, dm, and my db are invited for lunch and for the day. Every year in the run up to the big day there are noises about doing it differently, that it's not fair that we do all the catering, it would be nice to have it at this house or that house blah blah. We've done Xmas at pil's and at my dm's a couple of times but I really don't enjoy it, there's usually not enough food (always underestimate how much the dc's eat!!), neither of us can have a drink, and the kids were desperate to get home and play with their hastily opened and then left behind presents. We also have 5 horses and 2 dogs, so have to squeeze all that in Xmas morning to get washed and scrubbed plus travel time. It just doesn't make sense for those with young dc to do all the traipsing about on Xmas day.

My response to the rumblings each year are that we really cannot squeeze in visiting both other houses and cannot choose one or the other. They are invited to us but understand if they can't make it or think it's too much. They all eventually come to us. It might be selfish, but the logistics of going out just don't make sense.

I'd say no Op, plan the Christmas you want for your dc. If they want to come to you they would be welcome and if they feel thats too much, then you're sure they understand perfectly how you're feeling.

Oh, and a buffet is easy. Tidy up the Xmas lunch leftovers, put out with cheese, biscuits, mince pies, sausage rolls, a salad, bread, pickles, Xmas cake, chocolates. All pre made or bought depending on your time and enthusiasm. It's really just putting stuff on the table. Then retire with a glass of something and let them fill their boots.

Get DH to politely say to his parents that you tried to be flexible and its down to them to make an effort rather than all the running around you intended on doing.

I get you, DP parents insist on seeing us on Xmas day, even if we have plans with them on Boxing Day! Infuriates me!

We've always done the running round on Xmas day, until I lost both my grans. We (me and DP) now have no grandparents so anyone that wants to see us can come to us.

But I want to spend the day with just my fella and DCs for first year ever so I'm telling everyone we're going out for the day!!
Boxing Day will be open for visitors!!! Sod them all

My DC are in their late teens. WE have spent years rushing around like blue arsed flies on Christmas morning all trying to get showered and dressed for the two hours drive.

The DC want to spend Christmas at home. The family have been invited and all declined so we have booked lunch at a restaurant within walking distance so no one has to cook and no one has to drive.

I am so looking forward to it. It is the first Christmas where it has just been the four of us

Op sod them then! If they won't comprimise for their own grandchildrens sake then go to your parents and got straight home after. Christmas is after all for the kids anyway. What kid wants to be dragged around from pillar to post and not even get to play with their presents. Ridiculous.

On the buffet side I used to tun myself ragged on New Years Eve trying to do a buffet. I then saw the light and shoved a load of potatoes in the oven, cooked (in advance) a pot of chilli, grated cheese (using the food processor), a bowl of tuna mayonnaise and an a big bowl of salad. Found it a lot easier

run not tun

good grief no.
Children should be at home at Christmas, I'm surprised you have kept doing this.
it can't be fun for any of you.
We don't do anything nor have anyone over on xmas day anymore.
The eve and boxing day we se family, but the day itself is for children to play with toys and us to get drunk.

Can your mom host your Ils for lunch too? Then invite your DHs brothers over Boxing Day or Christmas Eve or some other surrounding day for dinner?

I would say to stick with the usual plan this year to avoid hassle but then early next year state to both sets of parents what YOUR family wants to do.
One set Christmas Eve, one set Boxing Day etc.
How old are your dc btw?
As an aside ...... we used to always spend Christmas Day with my parents. We got to the point where we wanted a quiet little 'just us lot day'.
My mum isn't here anymore and my extended family are all too busy working or doing their own thing now on Christmas Day.
I'd give anything to have my dc sharing Christmas Day with their grandparents.
Just saying.

OP it seems clear that you want to stay home with your DH and kids, but you won't do anything about it.

Posters have given you plenty of suggestions but you've just brushed all of them aside.

Say to your parents, we are just having a quiet Christmas at home this year and they are welcome to come over between X and Y o'clock. Then say to your PILs the same and they are welcome to come over between Y and Z o'clock.

If they say no, TOUGH SHIT! They're being selfish so just ignore them and enjoy your relaxing day with your family.

If you don't have the guts to do that then there's not really much point on carrying on this thread TBH.

Do what you want.

Tell them they're more than welcome to come to you but they will take you as they find you and you'll be making whatever your family wants to eat.

Ignore complaints/snippy comments.

How about your DH? Does he/can he not muck in? It sounds like you're trying to both sort out the threat of war and organise Christmas food etc; tell him to do his bit.

Those going on about how easy it'd be for the OP to do a buffet, off you fuck please; she doesn't want to.

Isn't it interesting that when you spend years travelling to someone else's for Christmas and then invite them to yours, they don't feel any guilt in saying they don't want to travel, yet go crazy that you don't want to travel yourself?

We used to spend all day driving around! I refuse now. People can come here, but the enjoyment of my family comes first! I used to hate Christmas, now I adore it.

Have a lazy Xmas day and do the travelling on boxing day or another day. Be lazy, be self centred for one day a year and if they don't like it, fuck 'em.

And a buffet takes minutes. Cut up cheeses and meats, pour out biscuit/cracker selection pack, cook up Peter Andre's Iceland Party selection and sausage rolls, a few types of sandwiches, cut up a quiche, and put cocktail sticks in everything. An hour max.

It is Blether

I think you should do want YOU want to do. If you want to stay at home for Christmas then stay at home. They know where you are so if they want to visit they can.

Every year you have done this?

Never one year with one & one with another?

Well, time for a new tradition!

For goodness sake think of yourself & the kids.

You are allowed to have a Christmas that you will enjoy as well.

Stop trying to please everyone & think of yourself!

Oh for goodness sake OP, how old are you?

I presume you're an adult seeing as you have three children of your own, so try this:
"Dear parents/PIL. We have decided this year we are staying at home on Christmas Day".

There will only be all out war if you allow it. They're already throwing their toys out of the pram so what difference will it make?

Do the travelling around next year. Alternate a year at home, a year visiting.

You are a grown up YOU DON'T NEED PERMISSION TO SPEND CHRISTMAS DAY AT HOME.

Well, you are still doing all the driving - stop it now. You don't need to see either set or both sets on Christmas day. A much more sensible solution would be to say "this year we're staying at home, we'll have lunch at ours you are all welcome for a simple buffet in evening." or "this year we're not travelling back and forth, we are staying at home in the morning and for lunch, we'll come to PILs or Parents for the evening, then we'll see the other set on either boxing day or 27th (it's a bank holiday this year) - next year we'll see the other set." (simple buffet can just be ready bought, if there's allergies, it's ok to ask your mum or the person with food restrictions to bring a dish they can definately have). Or even - (as PIL are the ones alone and your parents have a house full) "PIL, how about you come to us for the whole day? We'll go to see my parents on another day over the holidays, and next year we'll do the reverse seeing my parents on Christmas day and coming to yours on boxing day or another day if you're busy then."

That way you stop the driving altogether, and if you buy most of the food pre-prepared, you don't need to spend anywhere near as much time cooking as you would driving.

You are avoiding answering the question of what your DH would like to do?

Can I say one thing with the voice of experience?

Don't allow Christmas to become ritualised to the extent that you are turned into a demon for wishing to change it?

It's supposed to be pleasant, not one great long guilt trip. We have family all over the place and dh's family are closer than mine in distance so we tend to see them on the day. My parents have often hinted that they'd like to come but that means all sorts of issues for me so I smile and say we will see them around Christmas but not on the day.

Oh, and everyone should sleep in their own beds. Keep making little changes each year and stick to what you want for yourselves. Yes SIL, that did mean us not eating with you last year. This year, fine. We just wanted a quiet meal on our own for once.