Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything

They're throwing a tantrum. They're adults. Laugh in their faces. And have the whole day at home: leave them to their pathetic behaviour on their own.

So your sister and her kids are coming for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but unless you are there, there is no point putting up a tree or celebrating?

That is quite nasty and blatant favouritism to be honest, I'm really not surprised your sister acts up.

I don't have a great relationship with my sister as an adult, though we were close as kids. I have realised recently that my parents do a bit of a divide and conquer thing with us. Would it be worth talking to your sister about this for some support?

What is your EXH's take on it all? He seems to have been abandoned every Christmas for years. Surely your kids want to see their Dad at Christmas, even if he doesn't celebrate as such?

What selfish twats!

My DP divorced when I was 5 and DM cut off contact with DF so I didn't see those DGP. On my mum's side we had DGP with step DGP too but we went over Christmas Eve/Day to both and shared it. As I've got older I've either gone to a partner's DPs if been asked but also to my DM/DSF. My DB has rocked the boat the past few years as his FIL is a paraplegic, wheelchair bound so they (DB and DSIL) go to SW England (I'm in London area as are parents) for Christmas.

As a compromise my DM invites DB's ILs and their family (they have relatives who live in London area too) for a pre-Christmas meal/party one day before Christmas - DB's ILs come to stay in London then to shop, stay with their DC (who both live in London) and to sightsee etc.

I think your parents are totally out of order to turn on the waterworks and your son sounds the most grown up out of the lot of them (excluding you) - no put your foot down and have Christmas at home this year!

Don't be manipulated into bending to their will.

It's your Christmas. Spend it how you and your DCs want.

And don't feel guilty. It's ONE bloody day. They're being ridiculous.

What selfish, rude and outrageously spoilt behavior by your parents. SOBBING in front of their grandson? Disgusting!

Pirate I know how stressful it is to have difficult neighbours from previous experience and how that can impact on your mental health. It's awful.

However, while acknowledging they can make you behave 'out of character', MHI aren't a free pass to treat people badly and the behaviour the OP is describing is certainly not ok. I appreciate your perspective though.

OP, your ds will only be this young once and if what you and he want is a Xmas morning in your house then you have it. You are in no way being unreasonable to your parents, they are not elderly, infirm, or alone, they just don't like the change.

Go back, without your ds, and tell them you are sorry your plan upsets then, but they are over reacting. You felt emotionally blackmailed to change your mind but you will be sticking to your original plan for Xmas morning.

Tell them as this is a new arrangement you'll give them a couple of days to think about it and then, without the drama, you can discuss if they want to see you rest of Xmas day.

If after a couple of days they cant accept your plans then tell them you will not let their unreasonableness ruin the Xmas you and your ds want, so it would be better if you just stayed at home this year.

The first year of making your own decisions at Xmas is always the hardest for parents and adult children, changing anything next year will be much easier.

It's not even a day - it's few hours

I agree with Pirate that we should be aware of how stressful neighbour disputes are, and to not always rush to label people deliberately manipulative

BUT

I think the fact that the OP is not unduly surprised by their reaction, and that they are BOTH equally upset and crying at the same time, makes it more likely that it's a form or guilt trip

form of guilt trip

However, while acknowledging they can make you behave 'out of character', MHI aren't a free pass to treat people badly and the behaviour the OP is describing is certainly not ok.

Blimey. No wonder there are still huge ways to go in combating stigmas surrounding mental health in the UK if this is the attitude of some people. This forum is full of people who do out of character things because of their mental health problems. I for one would never dream of condemning their behaviour as 'unacceptable.' I suggest you keep away from the the MH board in the future fippinanda

As for the person who suggested laughing in the face of the parents, I have no words...

Are they upset at the thought of having to cook??!!

I mean you were actually saying that you would go on Christmas morning, weren't you, just not stay the night before?

So have your kids always opened their presents at GPs?

I think that you have to do what your kids want tbh.

Stay completely away.

I think that if you try to do it your way at all-or a compromise then there will be tears & tantrums.

If your kids want a Christmas at home, why would you be thinking about going to your parents at all?

You are putting them above your kids!

Pirate

Yes, I always hate the 'free pass' or 'get out of jail' rhetoric people use around mental health.

I remember when DH and I decided to buy our first house away from DP's home town. He phoned his Mum to tell her and she was sobbing down the phone, begging him to reconsider. His Dad rang back and was ranting about how DP had upset his mother.

DP was horribly guilted and quite shocked when I got angry and pointed out their behaviour was ridiculous and manipulative. My own parents were equally sad that we would be living a 100 miles away, but would never dream of crying down the phone and trying to emotionally blackmail me.

He was conditioned to think of it as normal, even evidence of how much they care. It is not. It is selfish in the extreme.

i'd be worried that Christmas Dinner would be ruined now as it sounds doubtful that they won't sulk a little. You need to be really firm with them. I like the give them tissues approach and tell them enough is enough.

Your sisiter might be a PITA (or not) but at least she doesn't let them rule her life.

Absolutely narp but for me this has all the hallmarks of a couple under a great deal of stress.

I look back and thank god people weren't quick to judge me when I went through a tough time in my life and didn't react to things well.

I'm surprised it's only me arguing for a more nuanced look at this. As I've already said if it were my parents who broke down sobbing, only to tell me they weren't coping with their neighbours, I would immediately try to work out what the exact problem was, if there was a deterioration in their mental wellbeing, and figure out what I could do to help.

I certainly wouldn't 'laugh in their faces' whilst accusing them of being emotional abusers. Different strokes I suppose...

Pirate may I ask why you're singling me out in this fashion? I'm completely at a loss to understand what I've said that's so awful and stigmatising.

OP says the parents have form for guilt guilting her though, this is just an escalation of this.

Sounds to me like this is standard operating procedure for the OP's parents, not mental health problems brought on by a nasty neighbour.

Indeed if this is their reaction to OP not toeing the line I'd be interested to hear the neighbour's side of the story too before drawing conclusions about who was in the wrong there.

I also agree with PPs who have questioned the parents' favouring of the OP over her sister and wondered whether there's a connection between that and the sister's behaviour.

But I suspect we might not be seeing the OP again. I don't suppose she was looking to have the entire system of family relationships scrutinised like that.

I m really shocked by this, Christmas is about the kids ( unless you are a religious person). Op , you must do what your kids want, they will end up resenting you for blatantly caving into a tantrum and putting their needs second. And when they leave home, you aren't going to have rosy memories of happy holidays, you are going to feel bitter towards your parents for monopolising YOUR family memories.

It goes too quickly, this growing up mullarkey. It feels like yesterday that I brought DD1 home and now she is learning to drive. I do everything I can to make Christmas lovely for them and am always open to new traditions and ideas. I know that while I love hosting, one day I will be reliant on invitations into their homes, to celebrate with their families. That's why I had kids, to raise them into productive happy people that have families of their own. With that in mind, you really need to address this issue for your kids, but also your parents. Your KIDS are the priority, and your parents can come along for the ride of they behave properly.

I'm not singling you out fipinada
I'm the poster who's in a minority of one on this thread!

I can't believe all that gnashing of teeth and wailing just because you're waking up in your own home on Christmas Day!

As far as your son is concerned I would cheer him up by wailing at very minor things at home. Make fun of their reactions (to him) so he knows how unreasonable they were.

How come you do all the cooking for Christmas? What do they do while you're cooking - play with the kids and watch them open their presents?

How old are they? Is this where we find out they're in their 50s but act as though they're ancient?

Pirate

You are unlikely to get much in the way of nuance in AIBU

I suppose people, in part, respond on the basis of their own experience, and like you I am sensitive to stigmatising messages about mental health. Others have experienced lots of manipulation and favouritism from parents

I think the OP has to find a way that is supportive of her parents but does not allow them to fall back on old ways of them not taking responsibility (and allows her to feel OK about asserting herself). Because on balance, I think that is what may be going on

Time to stand up for yourself OP. I imagine that if crying and wailing has already got them what they want in the past then you're going to have a tough ride.

Can you stay calm and tell them that you can't understand their complete overreaction. Maintain you're still coming for lunch and what is the big deal about opening presents at home? Ask if they are going to be so upset about a slight change of plan that it will ruin Christmas in which case you would rather stay at home and they can come to you or not at all?

Well they are clearly unreasonable. I assume though that the response is a bit out of character, given your surprise? I'd wonder what was really wrong tbh. Might they respond better to writing (email, text?)? Bit ridiculous but you never know...