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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

607 replies

Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 09:10

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

OP posts:
TheBlessedCheesemaker · 24/12/2015 02:20

You need to stop fretting about the card. it' not magnanimous of them, but then you doing a small present for them instead of the usual sized present will be seen by them in exactly the same way as you see this slight on the card front.

Seems that both you and they need to move forward now, and stop dwelling on this. Its keeping you stressed, its keeping them stressed. If they've been narcisstic for years they're not going to change overnight, just as your responses and feeling guilty and upset have been ingrained and are not going to change overnight. At least you have the advantage of seeing clarity here, and they dont have that gift.

You also have the advantage in that you have now drawn a line in the sand and have shown them that they cant manipulate you. They might try to push a bit against that in future but if you stay reasonable they are going to have to back down and bite it (probably the same way they back down with your sister).

Seems to me you need to make a decision about what you want to achieve long term? Forcing them to stop being narcisstic isn't going to work and getting them to admit they are grossly wrong in all of this (which they are) wont happen either, so your choices are to move on or call it a day and go NC.

If you want a good relationship again then you need to consider this matter closed and not dwell on the card thing or whatever. Tell them you hope they have a lovely christmas at DSIS's amd that you and the kids would love to come down on x date as suggested.

If you want to take this opportunity to go NC with them then thats your call, and now's the time. But TBH I'm not sure youre in a strong enough place YET to live with yourself if you do that.

Id recommed you respond postively to their climb-down, stop stressing about any minor slights they put in your way (as best you can) and have a think about getting some therapy to address your relationship with them and come to terms with your childhood experiences. That'll give you the time and space to get stronger, whilst giving them the time to show you if they are willing to repair the relationship and not dwell on this all themselves. You might end up going NC at some point in the future but you need to wait until you can make your decisions objectively and not reactively.

Being the bigger person doesnt make you weak, it just makes you the bigger person.

2rebecca · 24/12/2015 09:07

Agree with others. They have accepted you aren't seeing them Christmas day and have invited you another day. It sounds as though their life is always going to be all about them and they probably don't feel they have done anything to apologise for. Don't expect them to behave like parents who put their children first. Enjoy Christmas without them interfering and see them afterwards with your uncle if you want.
Lower your expectations.

Rubysewgood · 25/12/2015 19:44

Merry Christmas FIeryfighter.
Hope you and your boys had a lovely day x

coconutpie · 25/12/2015 23:47

Merry Christmas Fiery, hope you had a lovely drama free day at home today with your two boys.

OTheHugeManatee · 26/12/2015 09:54

Wow, OP. Can't believe they are still dragging this out. Well done for not caving. Hope you had a nice and emotional-blackmail-free Christmas without your whiny, selfish, vindictive parents.

rollonthesummer · 26/12/2015 10:08

Blimey-they sound like hard work!

Just wondering what your/their Christmas was like when you were a child? Did you spend it in your own home? Or did you depend from Christmas Eve to 27th in your grandparents' house?

Amusing that they don't see the point in putting up a tree it you're not going to be there for Xmas morning yet they think it's fine for you to not be in your house at all! Does your sister have kids?

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 26/12/2015 11:33

Hi everyone and Merry Christmas to you all!!

We had a lovely day yesterday, so much more chilled!! I took presents and cards round to my sisters Xmas eve but didn't see my parents. Nothing from my parents or sister for me at all, I'd like to think they felt a bit ashamed when opening my gifts but probably not! I couldn't just not give them gifts, it is Xmas after all. I hope I've just continued being a grown up. I do think it's pitiful though, I cannot ever imagine ignoring my own children at Xmas.

rollonthesummer yes we always spent the holidays with my gp's as a child but we lived a few hours away from them. My folks are only 20 mins away from me.

Yes my sister had one kid, in his later teens now.

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 26/12/2015 11:57

Glad you had a nice day Op - sorry to hear how your family have treated you though.

clam · 26/12/2015 12:13

I don't think I have ever heard of such a massive and unnecessary over-reaction like this one your parents have had. It almost defies belief. Well done for standing your ground and not capitulating.

Happy Christmas! Wine [santa] Star

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 26/12/2015 12:44

It's definitely got easier the worse they've behaved to be honest... Whilst it's been so traumatising and difficult for me to stand up to them, them being so bonkers had made it easier every time I've had a wobble over just repeatedly told myself that this is madness and I'm doing the right thing.

Merry Christmas!! Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2015 13:11

I hope I've just continued being a grown up

You most certainly have Flowers

Delighted you had such a nice, relaxing day, and that you've set such a good precedent for the future. I've no doubt they'll have spent the day whining and sobbing and that they'll try to drag it out into the new year, but luckily that's really not your problem now - is it? Smile

girlywhirly · 26/12/2015 13:39

Even though the circumstances are difficult, I'm really pleased that you and your boys had the Christmas you wanted.

It's disgusting that that your parents and sister have not given you any presents. I hope that they didn't enjoy their Christmas as much as if they had been loving and generous. Eventually they will fall out with your sister over some petty thing and they will try charming you again.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 26/12/2015 14:11

Oh guaranteed my sister will piss them off soon if not already.

What grates quite a lot is my sister has form for often not bothering with presents / cards, even for major events and my parents have often talked about not sending her anything on occasions she's been unpleasant but they have always in the end saying 'we're not going to be the same as her' Hmm

For my dad's 60th & their 40th anniversary combined we had a family meal my parents paid for, I gave them lovely gifts, cards and a ruby wedding rose bush. My sister didn't even give a card and they were so upset and never stopped going on about if.

Whatever. Hmm

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 26/12/2015 14:14

Glad you had a lovely Xmas at home, they've shot them selves in the foot for future years. Why oh why do some people just not see sense ! Bloody families ......

flippinada · 26/12/2015 14:24

Fiery I'm so pleased to read that you had a lovely time on Christmas Day, you and your DSs. It's a shame about your sister but it sounds like they deserve each other.

Well done on standing up to their manipulative behaviour. I understand it might not feel that way now but you've given yourself, and your DC, the best Christmas present ever.

girlywhirly · 26/12/2015 14:32

I wouldn't be surprised if DSIS let your parents buy all the food and then they complained to her that she wasn't as good a cook as you!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 14:39

firey good on you, I am glad you made a stand and had the relaxed and chilled time you and your ds wanted. As this has progressed, the scales are finally dropping from yiur eyes, you are seeing their behaviour in an objective light. Wishing you and yiur DSS a very happy New Year😀

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 16:35

Sounds like Christmas for you and your DC was just as it should have been. Lovely and snuggly. Good!

GabiSolis · 26/12/2015 18:57

Gosh it sounds like a lot of upset has been caused for no good reason and with nothing whatsoever achieved.

Any chance they will come round once enough time has passed that they will realise you're serious and not chucking a tantrum (even if they won't accept your perspective on it)?

flippinada · 26/12/2015 19:44

"Gosh it sounds like a lot of upset has been caused for no good reason and with nothing whatsoever achieved"

I know what you mean but actually it has achieved something. OP has asserted herself with her parents, drawn boundaries and shown that she won't be manipulated. Yes there's been upset (caused entirely by the parents over-reaction) but not for no reason.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 22:23

Gabi Quite a lot has been achieved! OP has managed to change the whole parent/child dynamic with her parents in a very positive way!

GabiSolis · 26/12/2015 22:51

I get what you're saying nada and carcass, but it's a very sad situation and being morally correct (as the OP is) doesn't make it any less sad.

That said, I actually wasn't referring to the OP in the sentence you have quoted, rather her parents.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 26/12/2015 22:53

Absolutely.. I feel a huge amount has been achieved... It's by no means been pleasant but I'm so pleased that I've not given in despite it being so so hard and we've actually had a nicer Xmas than I've ever had in my life! Sooooo much less stressful

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieryfighter · 26/12/2015 22:54

But yes, my parents have achieved the opposite of what they wanted.

OP posts:
WyldChyld · 26/12/2015 22:58

Glad you had a good Christmas - here's hoping they remove their heads from their rectums soon!