Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Please please stick to your guns- my mother was just like that - 'no point doing Christmas' was her comment when I was working-so I drove up on Christmas Eve at 4pm, then left at 10:00am Boxing Day as I was working that night.

In later years I ignored the emotional blackmail and now I do what I (and my dh/dc want) -but I still rage internally at how she has behaved which is not particularly healthy

The above example is only one of many years......

YANBU - they totally over-reacted, the crying in front of your children was silly and emotionally manipulative. I understand they may be stressed with the neighbour issue/house selling, but that does not relate to how you chose to spend Xmas. Personally, I wouldn't discuss it further with them - if they bring it up just be short but firm 'no, we're still spending it at home this year'. Do not engage with any emotional blackmail over it, it's not fair on you and certainly not a good thing for young children to see.

They've been used to getting you to do what they want, and maybe not taking control of their situation (what have they tried to do about the neighbours apart from selling?)

It is hard for them, but I think you are doing what you can, and are entitled to have a family life. Continue to be sympathetic but don't change plans

YANBU at all, that was a massive overreaction on their part.

You'll still be spending most of Christmas with them, and it's perfectly reasonable of your children to want to have Christmas morning at home. Carrying on like that in front of your son was really unacceptable.

I'd give them a few days to cool down, then calmly tell them that you were rather shocked and appalled that they upset your son like that. Then stick with your new plan. They won't be alone, and you'll see them the next day.

Although I'd be happy to host Christmas we just don't have the space to put them up, let alone my sister and my nephew, and half of is would be sitting on the floor in the living room on the evening whereas they have spare doubled bedrooms and massive living area.

That sounds like horrible emotional blackmail, I think you should stick to your plans and reassure them that you still care and restate when you will be there etc
I was sad myself this week as found out DD will not be sharing Xmas dinner with us for the first time as she wants to spend it with her DP family instead
Took it on the chin though and reassured her that I understood her decision although told her she would be missed.
We then made other arrangements so that we can celebrate in other ways together
Nothing stays same forever, and we all need to adapt to change of circumstances
I started to create my own Xmas traditions when I left home, and these evolved over time when married, then when children came along, followed by being a single parent, later new DP, now it will change yet again

trollkonor

She is really appalling to them, and rest of family to be honest, my aunt and uncle want nothing to do with her and I have very very little to do with her nowadays after realising how toxic she can be

Very unreasonable behaviour on behalf of your parents especially selfish in front of your Ds. I would stick to your guns if that's what the kids want and let them come to you for xmas morning present opening.
Feel your pain with a PITA sibling btw, it's always the 'sensible/caring' ones the are expected to tow the line in lieu of others giving a shit

I think they're so used to me not creating trouble they were surprised. I know they will have spent all last night sobbing and telling each other how awful I'm being

I would suggest you don't go over at all on Christmas Day itself now. This has Christmas fight written all over it, especially after they've had a few drinks. I imagine you'll be treated to a few snipey comments and it will escalate from there. See them Boxing Day instead and enjoy your Christmas with your children in peace.

I hate emotional blackmail.

They sound v emotionally manipulative. No wonder your sister behaves as she does. You have chosen to placate, she has chosen to ignore.

Massive overreaction from your parents there. I'd be tempted to tell them to say that their reaction has made you rethink your Christmas plans and you've decided that you won't be going over to theirs at all at Christmas!

Your parents sound awful, tbh, and very manipulative. You can't 'reward' this behaviour by caving and denying your children the Christmas they want. All they will learn from it is that crying and guilting gets the result they want.

You appear to be putting them before your children, tbvh - both in abandoning your plan to give them the Christmas they want to appease your parents and leaving your 9yo son alone with them in their histrionics (I was a bit at that, actually). It's not beyond imagining that your children will learn that this is how you treat your parents once you are an adult and you may even feel, when your kids are grown, that it's your 'turn' now, and find xourself slipping into similarly manipulative ways, unless you make a stand now and stop the cycle.

I might, IIWY, revisit the issue of your sister. Is she really as appalling as alkl that, or is that the family 'party line'?

So this reaction was not totally unexpected to you?

Tell them soon that the reason you told them your plans now (that you're staying home, visiting them only) is so they have time to adjust. You're all looking forward to it. Breezy and honest, ignore the emotional blackmail.

Ach let them get on with the sobbing and tissue wringing.

Oh, and as soon as they made my child start crying ( ) I'd have told them to pull themselves together and that we were leaving.

I know it isn't as easy as all that, btw. I am a veteran of extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive parents I no longer see, and I know how strong their hold can be. But I also know how hard it can be to see clearly in that position and how much outside perspectives help.

They've completely overreacted, and it's blatant emotional blackmail.

Yes stick to your guns.

They behaved awfully and yanbu at all op.

Put your foot down and stick to it. I thought my parents and sister (adult but still lives at home) were bad but they draw the line at sobbing!

We got to a stage 2 years ago where we realised that every 'event' - Xmas, New Year, Halloween, Bonfire night, birthdays - was being planned around my family. It's exhausting and you can't do it forever.

I felt incredibly guilty pulling back because they put such effort into everything for my dc - all the plans they make are for them and the dc do enjoy it. But I've realised that I don't want to spend every Xmas at theirs and every bonfire night watching fireworks at their chosen location and every Halloween having a party at their house that they do for the kids.

YOUR family is you and the dc now. The rest of them are your extended family. Put your own family first and do what you want to do for a change.

Good grief.

See that username you have there, Fieryfighter? Embrace it. Take it inside yourself and grow into it. Then tell them that, since they're being so over-dramatic, that you'll not bother them AT ALL if they're going to create such a fuss over you spending HALF A FUCKING DAY at home instead of at theirs.

I'm disgusted with them. Utterly appalled that they think they can get away with that level of emotional manipulation and martyrdom - I think it's time to call their bluff, tbh. Say that you're sorry they think that it won't be worth putting any decorations up, your DSs would be sad to see a bare house on Christmas Day when they come over.

I understand that you're used to being the peacemaker, never going against your parents' abysmal manipulation, but now is the time - stand up for your sons and make THEM happy.

You have the Christmas you and your family want. Do not let their overreaction get you down. They are grown adults and it's tough.

They may not be being manipulative on purpose. This reminds me of my teenage dd: they are whipping themselves into a frenzy so you will rush in and 'rescue' them. Are they quite needy and dependent in general? They need to grow up!! Please don't give in to this.

Perhaps it would help you if you saw them as you might see a teenager ie be firm with them for their own good. I mean, how undignified!!

I am sure their misery over not selling the house is stoking this - which you being there for Christmas is not going to solve anyway.

They are behaving like pertulent children, not grown adults, so treat them as such. You do as you please on Christmas Day.

I know, I really really wish I hadn't left him downstairs, but when I did they were in the kitchen and he was absorbed in the beano on the sofa and I thought they'd either stay in kitchen or pretend all was fine when they came into the living room, I was really surprised when I can down and they were sat in silence, I genuinely thought removing myself would help :-(

I have given my sister so many chances but have little contact now, I used to do so much for her but if I asked for the tiniest favour in return it was always inconvenient, she would always put me down in front of our friends, make fun of me, my clothes, whatever I was doing etc. Tbh my sister is a while other issue!

I said in the end yesterday that we'd come as usual fort Christmas to try and make things better but I really think now I should stock to my guns and not let them guilt me into it?

Oh dear, the emotional blackmail will win out if you do.

When you tell them that no, you are sticking to your guns, take a new packet of tissues with you. When the tears start, give them the box and tell them the emotional blackmail ends here or you won't be over again at all.