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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

607 replies

Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 09:10

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

OP posts:

PirateSmile · 08/11/2015 12:23

Narp

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 12:31

Op you need tough love, you need to tell them firmly that you are going to spend Christmas at your home, as that is what you and your children want, and that you will see them on such day afterwards. Do not give in. Their behaviour is very childish and designed to make you give in. Put your kids first and have the Christmas they want.

flippinada · 08/11/2015 12:40

Ok then Pirate. Perhaps I misinterpreted your posts.

Greengardenpixie · 08/11/2015 12:43

Stick to your guns. Stay at home and see them after. How dare they! Outraggeous over reaction.

Greengardenpixie · 08/11/2015 12:45

Just out of god damn spite by the fact that they are making you feel this way and basically forcing you to come and stay, i would stay at home. lesson learnt.

mollie123 · 08/11/2015 12:53

It sounds as if they are under 'a lot of stress' due to neighbour problems and trying to sell the house.
Give them a bit of support and try and get to the bottom of the problems with a compromise solution.
Please don't 'punish' them - they are your parents and love you and if this behaviour is out of character for them you need to understand what is going on.
There is plenty of time before Christmas day to sort out this.

HPsauciness · 08/11/2015 12:57

Even if they are under stress, why would both of them start weeping and wailing and asking the OP and her son to leave? If one person was having a hard time mentally, the other might step in and explain and make them a cup of tea. The fact they both went into a steep emotionally blackmailing decline makes me think this is actually quite usual behaviour for them.

I also notice the OP says she cooks their Christmas dinner for them! I suspect some of the hysteria is coming from the realisation they would have to cook for themselves and their other dd and children for once.

diddl · 08/11/2015 13:00

"I suspect some of the hysteria is coming from the realisation they would have to cook for themselves and their other dd and children for once."

I agree.

I mean heavens, OP wasn't even talking about not going on CD,(as herchildren would like) just that for once she wouldn't stay overon Christmas Eve!

PirateSmile · 08/11/2015 13:05

HPsauciness

When I was under a lot of stress due to my DP being severely ill I weeped and wailed over the most trivial things. It's quite normal to behave like this.

laffymeal · 08/11/2015 13:05

I feel for you OP. My late mother was like this. I remember aged 18 just before I met DH saying I was looking at flatsharing with some old school friends. She literally threatened to kill herself. Wailing and moaning, saying "life wouldn't be worth living" if I left. It was awful. I caved in as I did with many other things. If I hadn't met DH so young I could imagine having been stuck there into my 40s when she eventually died.

You have your own family now who want to do their own thing and shouldn't be dictated to by your parents, I hope you manage to have a nice day regardless of their emotional blackmail.

HPsauciness · 08/11/2015 13:08

Yes, I get it is normal to weep and wail, I was saying it appeared they were both at it- if the dad had stepped in and said 'come on love' and taken the mum out and they had tried to make it ok for the OP, but they didn't, they carried right on upsetting her son and then asked them to leave! I have a parent with mental health difficulties and sometimes (at more extreme times than this example) we do have to shield the children from that.

It sounds like the OP is asked to toe the line a lot and be a good girl and to cook the dinner.

What she is asking to do, to have a Christmas morning with her children, is utterly reasonable.

If they were just stressed, they would be calling to explain this and to put things right, not working out how to ramp up the pressure on her to conform.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 13:10

mollie even under stress, their behaviour is unacceptable, yes op can support them, and have the Christmas her children and her want.

PirateSmile · 08/11/2015 13:11

What if they are both incapable of 'stepping in' though?

I know that's a big assumption but your post is full of assumptions HPsauciness

Mydarlingclementine · 08/11/2015 13:14

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 08-Nov-15 09:40:09

cant add to that post.

awful manipulation.

HPsauciness · 08/11/2015 13:16

If they are both incapable of stepping in, then the OP has bigger problems than where to go on Christmas morning. But from her OP, which is all we have to go on, it sounds like they are well-practiced in using emotions to make her feel guilty, that's what she says, and I am taking that at face value.

It is possible to be both emotionally manipulative and have poor mental health and for me, having your own boundaries of reasonableness in the face of this, is incredibly important.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 13:18

Op has already compromised a lot! She has to put her kids and herself first for once this time!

PirateSmile · 08/11/2015 13:22

The problem being bigger than where the OP should go on Christmas Day is exactly the point I'm making HPsauciness

Inertia · 08/11/2015 13:25

I'd invite them to yours for Christmas Day, especially if you do the cooking anyway. My own children asked to have Christmas at home after spending years trying to visit all of our family across the country over Christmas- sometimes you do have to put your children's wishes first.

Alternatively, you could say that you'll visit for Christmas tea?

mollie123 · 08/11/2015 13:33

pirate - exactly what I was trying to say
The stress her parents are under (unless they are usually unreasonable) plus maybe health problems may have tipped them over into an overreaction.
Given there is at least a month (phew!) before Christmas I would try to get to the bottom of their unexpected response to her changing the plans this year.
Yes their response was unreasonable but should be seen in the light of other factors that may need resolving.

clam · 08/11/2015 13:35

Complete and utter over-reaction on their part. It's not even as if you have said you're not going there at all (although that might be an idea!) You've just said you'll be turning up late morning, instead of the evening before. That's still Christmas.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 13:38

Exactly clam, op is compromising, she is seeing them later on Christmas Day, not spending the entire festive period there.

PirateSmile · 08/11/2015 13:40

I'm so pleased I'm not the only one who sees there could be more to this than other posters are suggesting mollie123

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 13:49

Yes I am not saying there isent anything else, op can support her parents, but have a Christmas that her and her kids want for once.

GoblinLittleOwl · 08/11/2015 14:01

If OP goes over later on Christmas morning, she won't have that much time with her children in her own home.
When she gets to her parents' house, will she then have to start cooking the Christmas meal? Will anything have been prepared or will she have to start from scratch?
This amazing over-reaction sounds very calculated, backed by a steely determination not to compromise in any way, and rely on 'good' daughter to do it all.
A horrid warning for the future.
Perhaps leave things as they are for this Christmas, but make absolutely clear that this is the last time ever, and arrange a completely different one focusing on OP and her children for next year.
Plenty of warning and stick to it.

dreamoutloud · 08/11/2015 14:04

But you aren't even having Christmas at home really. You're just planning to wake up in your own home, open gifts there, then head over for lunch. That's what most people who only live 25 minutes away would do - and would very much consider that they were spending christmas at their parents, as that really refers to the meal more than anything, doesn't it?
You really have to think about what you want your children to learn from this. If you give in to your parents appalling behaviour what are you teaching them? Their problem with neighbours should not spill over into how they behave infront of their grandchildren.

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