Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

I'm angry on your behalf OP. Emotional blackmail is horrendous. They have done a number on you if you are the one who is feeling bad. They think that their needs come before that of you and your child. You know better. Stand firm. Rooting for you here. If you do go over on Christmas afternoon, don't drink alcohol so you can leave when they start with the snipes and digs. You can't reason with people like this, you can only walk away.

TBH I think your emotionally manipulative parents have 'made' both you and your sister and neither of you have graduated fully into adulthood (sorry).

I suspect your sister has to behave the way she does in order to be able to make her own choices. She has seen that she can be her own person and be reviled by the whole family for it- or be a complete dogsbody at the beck and call of the family. There is no in between so she made her choice.

I suspect you have to do everything the family expect of you in order to avoid being reviled. You have seen that you can do everything they want and be accepted- or you will be made to feel like a terrible person. There is no in between so you made your choice.

This problem is with your parents and I think it's more of an issue than just Christmas.

You don't say what your parents are usually like, so if this behaviour is typical of them, totally ignore the following.

Having shit neighbours is grim and messes with your mind. I spent a couple of years living next door to the most awful people imaginable and by the end of it, I was half insane. For example, one day I dropped a vase, one I'd bought from Asda with no particular emotional or financial attachment, and I spent over an hour curled up on the floor sobbing. I was so emotionally raw that the tiny mishap, sent me over the edge.

What I needed at the time was antidepressants while I got on the business of moving.

Stop feeling defensive and guilty and start feeling angry.

Tell them that you are furious with them for sobbing and wailing in front of your children and that you're now thinking that you'd rather spend Christmas at home.

They sound fucking awful actually and you are so conditioned that you don't see how abnormal their behaviour is.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it may give you some insight into their behaviour and how your family dynamics work. That insight will help you to recognise what's going on in future and anchor yourself so that you aren't so totally controlled by them.

Oh my goodness that sounds awful. My MIL would react that way but we all know she is pretty crazy - for what seem like reasonable people to do that is totally not on.

Definitely don't give in or it could get worse.

I agree with AskBasil. Tell them you're furious with them. And no way do you go to theirs for Christmas!

Dear God... You are an adult! They have behaved completely inappropriately. Stay at home

Just to add to the general chorus, their behaviour is absolutely awful, completely unreasonable and you are not BU at all in wanting to spend Christmas your way.

Saying that I do realise how difficult it is to deal with this kind of situation when you have been conditioned into it (and am also wondering if your sister is really that bad or whether this is just her way of asserting herself/reacting against your parents behaviour).

Your parents are being very manipulative and controlling and I bet there's a lot more to this than just Christmas. Apologies if this is way off beam but I bet you've been bought up to put your parents wishes fron and centre of everything. Obviously you're not obliged to answer that on here but just something to think on and reflect.

stick to your guns. emotional blackmail must not win the day, esp when they tried it with your poor ds.

i like what someone else said '11 ok or shall we stay home for the whole of christmas? I'm not prepared to sit in the dog house over this.'

they do have 6 weeks to get over it, and if they don't behave over christmas i wouldn't spend any of it with them next year at all. what a shitty way to behave.

If this behaviour is out of character for your parents I'd suggest they were suffering from some form of mental health problem, brought on by the stresses relating to their house.

If this rings any bells the people who are saying they are abusive etc are failing to see that people can react badly to things when under pressure, and being unduly harsh on your parents.

Forget the Christmas issue for the time being and try to find out how they are coping with the pressures they are under. I can't imagine the stress caused by horrible neighbours, especially for an older couple. Maybe suggest they visit their GP?

I've been through very stressful times and I know that the slightest thing that I'd usually shrug off would cause me to burst into tears. This situation sounds a lot like that to be honest.

Please look at this possibility before accepting the advice of the 'your parents are abusive brigade.'

Please don't back down that is emotional blackmail OP and I suspect you've realised that yourself allready.

You have made enough sacrifices when it comes to Christmas it is time to start putting yourself and your children first.It would be a good lesson for your children, they'll learn that allthough you should do nice things for people that your own feelings are just as important as everyone elses.

With your parents I expect they're reaction is because they're shocked because you've always done as your told by them.They need to start seeing you as an adult and a parent in your own right OP.It's about time they saw you as they're equal.

Stay home. Completely. For this year at least. You have your OWN family and should be making your own traditions. Then in future if you want to, arrange to see them at some point in the day!

If they say their is no point putting up decorations..that's their call! Their emotional blackmail is ridiculous to say the least and breaking free now will be a great thing long term. It's up to THEM if they want to be miserable , it's not up to you to give them their perfect Christmas! We used to go to my Mums til the kids gotto about 5 and wanted to be at home, and my mum just came to us instead.

My kids are young adults now.. several of them work Christmas day (doctor, nurse, support worker) and I host Christmas because I enjoy it, but we now do 'open house'.. anyone around for Christmas day is welcome... (just let me know so I can plan food!)sleep on the floor or whatever, anyone who is busy, or wants to go to boyfriend/girlfriend's house... comes over if and when they want to.My Mum and brother usually pitch up boxing day as it suits them better.

Please stick to your guns... they are not being fair at all and you do NOT have to put up with it!

Except it's not out of character, Pirate. From the original post: "They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh"

I meant the extreme reaction flippinada

I'd stick to spending Christmas Day morning at yours as originally planned. When you phone to tell them this is what you've decided to do (having reflected on when you last saw them), if they react badly then you need to say you'll see them after Christmas as the chances are they'll spoil Christmas Day. And that's not fair on your dc. Seems really manipulative behaviour on their part.

actually, don't go at all this year. you're in for a fight anyway, might as well go the whole hog. you usually do all the cooking, no wonder they want you around! perhaps they'll appreciate you a lot more when they realise just how much you do do.

Wow they are very unpleasant op. Stand your ground.

Stick to your guns and don't give in to the emotional blackmail. As an aside are their neighbours really nightmare neighbours? My parents have always complained of various neighbours being nightmare neighbours, but thr problem is more that they are drama llamas like yours sound!

Is this the first time that you have stood up for yourself and done something that they dont want you to do, or have you always been the good one and fitted in with all their plans?

I notice that you used to 'help out' your sister too, so sounds as if your role is to do all the shitwork without complaint.

And Im surprised no one else seems to have picked up on the comment that you do all the cooking so its not really as if they provide Christmas - more that they host you so that you can facilitate Christmas for them.

Time for sister to step up, I would say

I broke the Christmas routine and it did cause some noses out of joint, but we seem to have settled into a situation which suits - first we were alternating between my parents and DP's parents, but if we tried to vary there was too much grief, so now we do Christmas at home, have lunch here. Then I take kids to my parents, where sister, BIL and DN ALWAYS go (I think in the 10 years since DN was born they have never spent Christmas with BIL's parents) for Christmas day afternoon. Boxing day we go to DP's parents.

You are a family unit yourself now - as others have said, they had their time with children - unless of course you were all dragged to granny's every year, so its perfectly reasonable to do what you want.

The OP has indicated this is not out of character for them Pirate. Maybe it's more extreme than usual (I wouldn't know) but regardless, it's not acceptable behaviour.

They may well be 'unpleasant' 'vile' 'emotionally manipulative' and all those other things people have described them as on here.

Equally they may both may in the midst of an episode of poor mental health brought about by the problems caused by their neighbours.

I guess it's up to you OP to decide how you'll deal with the situation but personally, I wouldn't give a fig about Christmas arrangements until I'd ruled out the possibility your parents aren't struggling to cope with their lives at the moment.

flippinanda

Lots of people do things that you'd probably describe as 'not acceptable behaviour' when they are depressed or suffering from a similar mental health problem. As I've said, I'd rule this out before making a decision about Christmas.

If you are finding it difficult to resist their emotional blackmail might it help to remember that you would be teaching your son the most horrendous lesson.

Even if I wanted to back down to keep the peace, I really wouldn't be able to say to my son 'yes, they upset us both, are being immensely selfish and don't care what we want but will do whatever is necessary to bully us into doing what they want. But I think we will go. Because that's a lovely Christmas isn't it?

Tell them you were going to come over in the afternoon but as you now can't trust them to behave you think it's best you don't visit at all on Christmas Day.

At what point do you draw a line. Now they are not just messing with your head but with your child's?

Are they very elderly ?

Fucking hell they sound completely manipulative and self obsessed. Perhaps that's where your sister actually gets her traits from?

If you give in over Christmas it will only get worse. In reality, all you're saying is that you/ds's just want to wake up at home Christmas morning and then go over on Christmas morning - ie still spend the majority of the day with them. And you're cooking. And travelling to them. And putting up with your sister. Oh - and still spending the majority of the day with them. Did I mention the cooking?

You're far, far more patient than I am op. Their behaviour is shocking.