Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Don't back down. It's not unreasonable to want to spend Christmad in your own home. Your parents need to learn that your wishes count as much as theirs.

I don't understand!

So you are thinking of Christmas at home, but that would still have meant you visiting them Christmas morning at some point?

And then back home for Christmas dinner or with them?

Surely Christmas at home is just that-not going out elsewhere?

I'd definitely stay completely at home now after their reaction!

Wow arent they controlling!

Id go back with ive decided that we will soend xmas eve at our house and cone to you at lunch on xmas day. We cant wait.

Be firm and clear with your intentions.

Oh fgs what a ridiculous reaction! Totally out of order of your parents.

I agree if it's this easy to upset them, don't bother treading on eggshells. Use the assertiveness method of just repeating what you want. "I know you are upset, but we would like Christmas at ours this year." "Yes, you are upset but I am going to listen to my kids this year and give them what they want." Then just do it. Tbh I wouldn't be turning up on Christmas Day because they'll probably give you the resentful treatment.

"Resetting" is also a good idea. Tell them (maybe in a letter if it's easier" you are an adult now and you think it's time for a new system, in order to respect what your own family needs, such as every other year at theirs, if they are up for that.

They are acting like toddlers who see you as existing to meet their emotional needs.

I see that you did end up agreeing to the usual routine in the end. Which I do understand but I do think you need to give it a day or so and then call back with a clear plan, write down the options and how you ant the conversation on a bit of paper if you have to.

1. Dear parents I have decided that we do want to spend Christmas early morning and evening at home but would love to come for lunch.

1. If parents react ok ish. Reward with a cheery great I will arange when to come to start preparing the veg, how shall we cook the sprouts chatter.

1. If parents turn on the weeping and wailing. Take away reward and calmly say that it sounds best to leave it this year and at a later date you can all arrange another time to see each other, Boxing Day?

The problem is you have given into their tantrum and if you don't stand up to them it will only be worse next year. They know that tactic works,

I'd say to them that you've thought about it and have decided in fairness to your DC you are going to have Christmas morning at home. You would have been happy to come over later in the day but because your DS was so upset about their reaction that you think it is best now to spend the day at home as you don't want DS to see them upset on Christmas Day or for them to have to reign in how they feel so have decided it is better this year if you spend it separately.

I suspect if you do this then next year they will find they have great control of their emotions.

I am wondering whether your sister's behaviour - unpleasant, for sure - has been in response to her 'black sheep' and your 'good girl' role? Out of jealousy, envy? It's just that in such family set-ups, there is very often a child who goes along with the parents' behaviours (that's you, as you say in your OP) and one who doesn't and is demonised as a result.

But you're right in that, in a way, your sister is a side issue now and the central issue is whether you are going to let this dynamic go on or break out of it. Your perturbation at your parents' reaction to your suggestion could be a key catalyst for change.

Yes I like Doreen's idea of the tissues and calling them on it.

btw even back when I did spend time with my emotionally blackmailing mother, I put a stop to Christmas at hers when I was about 25 (pre-kids). I just said no. I couldn't face a lifetime of being expected to turn up and deal with her crap. I felt guilty at the time but now we get Christmas in our own home with our own DC (and sometimes friends, which is lovely) and no travelling, and I'm a lot less stressed for it.

And in the future I have resolved never, ever to put this pressure on my adult DC. When you are an adult you can make your own choices.

I know what I'd do - spend all of christmas in my own house with the kids. You're already being forced to spend Christmas with your sister who you don't really like AND do all the cooking??!!
Sod that. Have a magical Christmas at your house and make your own traditions.

I think you do need to put your foot down over this, otherwise they will get hysterical an turn on the waterworks each and every time you try to do something they don't agree with because it works. It's certainly not on for them to do this in front of DC and upset them, and at that point I would have told them to knock it off and left.

That said, I do realise it's very difficult especially when they have form for this, but you do need to make a stand now, or spend the rest of your life doing whatever they want to avoid more drama, and it will teach your DC that their grandparents wishes are more important than theirs, or may even prompt them into behaving similarly to achieve getting what they want.

As for your sister, I imagine she behaves this way because she's realised if she doesn't she'll be subject to similar emotional blackmail attempts, and while it doesn't excuse her behaviour, I can't entirely blame her for feeling the way she does.

You're not 'causing trouble' though are you? You just want to spend Christmas morning in your own home. It's generous of you to go over on the day at all if this is how they can behave.

You must put your children first and do what's right for them. It'll be hard at first as you're so used to their control but ultimately you will feel liberated from their drama queen antics.

Ridiculous overreaction and you were very silly to put their feeling ahead of your children's and your own just because they threw a tantrum. You should have stuck to what you said and the only issue should have been 'do you want us to come for 11 O clock (or whatever) or shall we not come at all?'.

Wow.
That's awful. Your poor ds!
Spend Xmas day at home and go on over to the stately homes thread!
Your parents behaviour is disgusting.

Agree with GreenPotato they are acting like toddlers, so treat them like toddlers. Ignore the wailing and gnashing of teeth, stick to a clear line about where you'll be at Christmas and plaster on a big, happy smile. if you don't nip this in the bud it will only get worse. They need to realise that Christmas is not all about them, your children matter too.

This is the kind of stuff I discussed with my psychotherapist a few years back.

No advice but have had exactly the same here especially the whole 'no point in having a tree etc' crap

Sorry.

I do feel for you though. Being the 'good one' can be really hard.

Oh OP I can only echo what others have said...they are emotionally blackmailing you into obedience and it's bloody awful. I feel so sorry for you because they've really behaved badly and made you feel terrible. They have completely overreacted.

I know it's going to be nerve wracking but it is so important for you to stick to your own plans.

That's harsh cuntry, emotional blackmail can be very hard to resist, especially when you are used to a lifetime of it. I've broken free of my mum's controlling and drama queen behaviour this year, I'm in my mid-40s and assertive in many aspects of life, but the guilt can be overwhelming.

OP look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) I think that will be helpful, if you haven't heard of it already.

Plus, even if OP has caved to the blackmail, it's fine to change her mind. "I have been having a rethink and actually I don't think it's right to give in to your emotional blackmail. So I will be doing xyz this year."

I am the "good one" as well. It too me years to realise that didn't actually mean we had a good relationship and I didn't actually owe her lofeling subservience.

lifelong!

Yes. "Do you want us for 11 or shall we stay away? I'm not going to spend my Christmas in the doghouse over this, so I'll leave it up to you."

I mean, I discussed how I could hardly identify the exact line between pleasing myself and pleasing my mother (parents, but specifically mother). Psychotherapist made me realise I needed to stop put forward a strong 'case' to do something that I wanted that she disapproved of. Now I just do it anyway and she slags it off and I ignore her. She rolled her eyes at my doing psychotherapy too, and wanted to know what I said to the psychotherapist. I said 'oh this and that!'.

You REALLY need to stick to your guns, this is horrendous emotional blackmail and you are totally conditioned to respond to it. As someone who wasn't really exposed to this by my own family, as an adult it gives me the rage and makes me want to dig my heels in! DH on the other hand, responds very well to it as he was conditioned to. I would be tempted to tell them that you have had a think, and since they behaved so awfully when you said you wanted to stay at your own house on xmas morning that you have decided you won't be going at all. But I am a bitch!! Anyway, at the least, stay in your own house on xmas eve, don't let your boys see you be pushed around like that by their GPs. Your parents need to learn that they can't control you like that.

How olds the eldest? You wont have many kiddy xmas left? They`ve had all the baby years - time to move on. I know DH doesnt celerbrate so wheres he been over xmas? Has he missed all those?