Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Fiery, your parents have done exactly what I thought they would, that is, to enlist the support of your aunt and uncle. They are now doubting what you explained to them and are trying to find a middle way. Who knows what more lies they have been told about you to get them back on your parents side.

For this, I would make the decision to have Christmas eve and day in your own home, the DC to see their dad as usual, keep it fun and plan what you would all like, and the DC may feel that they prefer this to the usual plan of previous years. Anyone who behaves the way your parents have does not deserve to have you.

Another point: Isn't having your own family a suitable time to create new ways of doing things - Christmas in your own home being just one of them? I realize the circumstances in your first marriage made it easier to go on visiting them, but maybe that just encouraged them to think nothing would ever change?

Perhaps this could be a good opportunity to change it for good and invite them to you instead. It would even get them away from the neighbours (!!) and if they don't want to come there are plenty of other days over the season for visiting them

I think you are right about having to decide weather to go to your parents at all.

I would give them until next weekend, or if another flying monkey contacts you and then e mail them to tell them that you will be at home with your children this year. This will give both them and you enough time to sort out food ect.

I was also wondering if their neighbour's are really as bad as they say or has your parents behavior made it so much worse then it really was/is.

Puzzled, it would be a kind thing to invite them, and if they turned the invitation down it would be their own fault. But does the OP really want them round potentially spoiling the boys Christmas day?

Fieryfighter

You have my utmost sympathy. I have toxic parents. They don't weep and wail (much). They use other tactics that are very difficult to deal with.

I find it incredibly hard and stressful to stand my ground over these sort of matters, but the more I have done so, the less they fuck with me.

You HAVE to stand up to them and remind yourself you are not doing anything unreasonable, they are.

Unfortunately, you also have to accept that they will tell other people all manner of shit about you and the situation and those other people might think badly of you. You can't control any of that. But you can control how YOU act and feel. Try and draw strength from that - that you are in control of your own life and do not have to do what they say anymore.

It's a fair point, girlywhirly I guess only OP can decide on that one, but what I was trying to get across most of all was the (possible?) wisdom of breaking this ridiculous expectation once and for all

Frankly, unless something decisive is done - and done soon - I can only see this getting worse

I have already invited them to us and they said they absolutely would not be coming to us. As had been said, to be honest I can't even imagine wanting them here now, imagine if they're arsey, I'd be stuck with then! At least if we do go over there later Xmas day or indeed another day, if they start any nonsense we'd need able to leave.

I would leave yourself a slot after Christmas Lunch where you could still go and visit with the boys if their behaviour improves but I would certainly assume that you won't be seeing them.

Just say to the boys that you may be seeing GP after lunch for a little bit but you'll be spending most of the day at home then seeing their Dad.

Do you think they are enjoying indulging themselves in their upset? I ask because the only people I've ever come across who behaved like this were groups of teenage girls at school, who reveled in the drama, the weeping, the sympathy and the toing and froing of messages passed. But they mostly grew out of it.

they said they absolutely would not be coming to us

Well, that's their choice to make I guess; if they don't like the outcome they have only themselves to blame

Obviously not up to me, but I certainly wouldn't be going there on 25th after this; anything you give will be less than they wanted and the atmosphere can only be imagined. Why put yourselves and the kids through it when you could have the lovely peaceful day they've asked for at home and visit another day instead? It even provides a reply for flying monkeys: "We invited them, but oh dear what a shame - they didn't want to come"

I wouldn't be going either. Let them wail and rend their garments. Greet any flying monkeys as Puzzled suggests above.

I reckon they LOVE all the drama , the hysteria down the phone and escalating to include others, the attention seeking behaviour . It's SO much more fun for them than actually having their daughters and their grandchildren at Christmas.

I predict the next move is the health scare, including a consultant who tells them that their condition is definitely caused by stress . My money's on chest pains . Failing that they will turn up the drama on an existing medical condition eg high blood pressure , diabetes

" your mother's blood sugar is out of control , the doctor says she's obviously not eating properly / taking her meds because of the terrible stress she is under because you are making us cancel Christmas "

" fathers blood pressure is sky high, he's having dizzy turns , he might collapse while driving and kill himself and it's all your fault "

Alternatively they might go for " depression " and stay at home sulking for the whole holiday period . Which will of course, be all the Ops fault .

I also predict that any attempts at " compromise " on the OPs part won't work . Because that assumes that the objective everyone is aiming for is the family to get on and have a happy Christmas . Whereas the grandparents here are working to a whole other agenda.

So if they won't go to you, could you possibly ask your sister if she wants to come over......? Would be such a shame if they were all alone......

I agree Iwish and Puzzled. I would be concerned that if they went to Fiery's there might be the little chat to the boys out of her earshot, about not knowing why they were being prevented by their mum from having Christmas at the GPS as always, that she is trying to stop them seeing the boys and has said horrible things about them to Aunt and Uncle, blah blah. Even if they refuse to go to Fiery's there will I'm sure be another email to the boys attempting to get them to change their minds about Christmas.

Fiery, they will not attempt to make amends unless it suits them to do so, or they have another plan to pull you in line. They will never admit that they were wrong in any way. It will always be your fault, because you were the one who upset them and made them cry hysterically. (Over something relatively minor.) But this is typical narcissistic behaviour, a perceived slight and it turns into a monumental issue, out of all proportion. You will be painted the bad guy and lied about. It's tough, be brave.

Honestly, I would say you are having lunch at home so you know where you all stand. And I would be seriously tempted to put a note in all your Christmas cards about how much you are all looking forward to spending Christmas morning at home before visiting relatives. Might be the only way to show people that it's only Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning that you want at home.

Although I'd also want it all at home after their performance and I'm going to ask you now to stay at home for lunch NO MATTER WHAT, no phone calls for illness, urgent medical care, blah, blah, blah (can you tell some of us have been here before ...)

Well, I think you do have a bit of time yet, although I can't see that doing much good, iyswim. The fact is that you have taken a stand and shouldn't back down. They've taken a stand and won't back down. The difference is that they are banking on you caving as you've always done, and you have no intention of doing so.

I'd make tentative plans to spend all of Christmas at home. You can figure it all out in your head for the moment, but have a menu & any activities planned out. I'd try to make the menu simple and easily put off in case the dust settles before Christmas Day. Perhaps breakfast for lunch? I can remember a few times at Easter we'd come home from church and Dad would make waffles, eggs, ham, & sausage for 'dinner' rather than Mum slaving in the kitchen. It was great and consisted of items that are easily saved and used another time.

If nothing has been resolved by, say, mid-December (if you can stand it so long) send a simple text message or email asking if your parents are willing to let 'bygones be bygones' and accept your decision. If so, you will be there Xmas Day at XX o'clock with the agreement that nothing more will be said on either side. If not, then you will be spending Xmas Day at home and that they either are or are not invited (depending on your feelings).

As far as the interim, tell all and sundry (Aunt, Uncle, + any other FMs) that you will not discuss the situation with them. That it is completely between you and your parents and that you won't 'drag them' into the situation.

You've offered quite enough by way of compromise. None of it will make any difference unless they get exactly what they want.

They have really thrown their toys out the pram with this.

Plan your lovely Christmas at home. Get a Christmas dvd and snuggle up with your kids on Christmas eve. Have a fantastic dinner the next day. Maybe leave a late afternoon slot to visit if you can be bothered but I'd do no more than that.

OP, Christmas at home with your DC - it will be absolutely lovely! No stress, no arguments, not being stuck with all the cooking and cleaning (only for your own small family), just relaxing, eating what you all like, when you feel like it. Watching TV/DVDs, playing with new toys, going for a walk in the chill winter air etc. It will be bliss . Time to start creating your own Christmas traditions without the dramatics and hysteria. Honestly, do it this year and you will never go back to the old arrangements and your DC will have happy memories of stress-free Christmas times with Mum.

I'm glad they didn't turn up yesterday and spoil your DS2's day.

What I would maybe do regarding the Christmas drama is send a final message asking the lines of "It's a shame we can't find a resolution to this. Rather than drag this out any longer, I've made a decision. Me and the boys will be having Christmas at home. Take care"

That way you can take back some control and you're not left stressing out about what may or may not happen in the run up to Christmas.

*along the lines of.

Frankly I'd be planning what my kids always called a 'junk food junk-out'. All their favourite snacks and pre-packaged oven-baked treats with ice cream sundaes for dessert.

Hi, it's taken me the best part of 3 hours to read through all the posts, and I just wanted to say that you're doing all the right things. There's no way you're in the wrong; your parents are totally in the wrong and totally doolally!
I speak with the voice of experience here in having a mother just like this, but having a weak father who has let her get away with it.

Previous posters are right, brace yourself for the "ill health" card next. I got it. "I'm at the hospital right now, the doctors say I have something wrong with my heart". My DH told me that he wasn't aware she had one!

If you do see them over Christmas, the atmosphere is going to be tense at the very least. I would make a contingency plan of getting your own food in (start filling your freezer) and then have a nice Christmas at YOUR home with YOUR children, in the way YOU want.

Best wishes.

flippinada's message is direct and concise. It is obvious to your parents that they will not be seeing you and will have to make their own arrangements for meals. You will no longer be slaving in their kitchen and preparing food. THEIR LOSS.

Thanks girly. I learned this lesson from my own experience with manipulative /drama llama relatives. At some point you just have to shrug, please yourself and let them tantrum away to their hearts content.

Across I love your plan for Christmas Day! Sounds blissful.