Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Another voice of support for flippinada's message here. It will also totally freak them out as THEY'RE meant to be the ones escalating the situation, not you

I think Christmas could be spoiled if you go to theirs if you don't have this resolved before the day and can be sure that there is no resentment.

Depends what you want OP. It's ok for people here saying dig your heels in as you are in the right etc - but what do you want to come from this? Do you want to see your parents at Christmas, do you want to possibly break with them for good or at least a while?

You can still be in the right and still be in control and be calm - but they may feel so backed into a corner that some kind of face saving might be in order - if you want to try and resolve this that is. Not sure how you do that though. Maybe one last message making your wishes clear and saying if they can accept your decision and be prepared to put any hurt and disappointment behind them and have a lovely Christmas - then you would be happy to join them for Christmas dinner. If they can't - then you will be staying at home and they are welcome to drop by.

Hope it works out how you want op - we are just reading your thread but I imagine this is causing you a lot of stress.

You are right of course Bambini. It's very difficult when you are in the middle of it all. Good luck to you Fiery whatever you decide.

I wouldn't try to counter drama with drama (and I suspect any suggestion of giving them an ultimatum is going to stoke the fire).

A mildly baffled, 'Gosh. Are they still going on like this about us spending a couple of hours at home?' would do just fine for nosy aunties.

In order to break the deadlock with your parents, I suggest an e-mail saying:
"Would you like us to come over late morning on Christmas Day, yes or no?"

That's all. You don't need them to be ready to discuss things reasonably because there's nothing to discuss. It's a yes/no thing. I wouldn't bother hanging around waiting for an apology because it's probably not going to be forthcoming an you'll have made your point if they respond to the above.

Actually, on second thoughts, I'm not sure that I'd even out it to them as a question at all. How about:

"Mum, let's forget all this unpleasantness and upset. We'll come over for several hours on Christmas eve, and then we'll be back again late morning on Christmas Day. The boys are very excited about seeing you on Christmas Day so I hope that's ok. Love you and see you soon".

out = put

Oh dear, they've really dug into their ridiculous position haven't they?

I'm glad you found my repeat til fade 'it's only a couple of hours' sentences useful .

Seems like you need to create opportunities to use it now. I'm thinking they don't want you to have any voice in this now, they want to own the narrative, and keep up this period of time where they can get all the drama and sympathy whilst refusing to address anything.

It's really rubbish is that the power they've got is in keeping you dangling waiting for a Christmas plan to emerge.

If you decide to break that stale mate by saying you won't have them at all at Xmas, they get to tell everyone how you did what they feared so poor them and evil you. I mean, that's what they appear to want for some fucked up reason.

If you let them carry on as they are, you risk having no plan for your children on Christmas Day, and they get to splash their hysterics all over the day itself, ruining Christmas for you and your children. It's very sad to realise that they don't care about spoiling their grand children's Christmas - very selfish. Kind of shocking to realise they're not even trying to cover up their selfishness.

And then there's the risk that they appear to acquiesce and then save their bile to whisper in your children's ears.

Three rubbish scenarios there

So, sticking with those three... Which is worse? Is there one you can mitigate and insulate you & your children from their bile?

Then the next question is, is there another scenario you can make happen? A better one that puts your children first (& you too!)?

Or the last option is to engage with this period of time now, as they're happy to force a decision on you, so is there a way you can hold out a bit longer, and up the ante on pushing them with communicating the whole 'it's only 3 hrs' thing?

Poor you. Christmas is a boiling point for so many people.

My final thought is that there's no reason it has to be make or break time just because your parents want it to be - you could try and glide through Christmas and then take your time to decide what's best for you and your children longer term without the pressure of a deadline.

Just don't leave it for 11 months and find yourself in the same position as previous years - I can assure you that's a bad plan, ahem, shuffles feet!

Op leave them together with their hysteronics, you have a fabulous Christmas with you and your ds's. You have invited them, and they will not come. Time now to stop this guilt, and start saying to yourself, that you are not responsible for their happiness.

They sound awful.
I've remarried so often didn't see my kids over xmas as they were with their dad and his family. Caring parents don't weep and wail and do the "what's to become of poor poor me" thing, they tell their kids of whatever age that they hope they have a lovely time.
What's all the crap about "outings" as well? Why don't they go out if they want to go out? They do sound incapable of enjoying their own company and entertaining themselves.
Adults crying just because they don't get their own way over something very trivial sounds really self pitying.

Fieryfighter, you sound like a lovely person, YANBU. Remember that they are the parents, you are their child - it sounds as if the roles have been reversed for some time, and that they are relying on you to "look after" them. If you're open to it, and not everyone is or can, I'd suggest cognitive behaviour therapy - it's brilliant at making you realise that while you can't control other people's behaviour, you can control how you deal with it. It really helped me.
I wouldn't engage in any more emails or texts - but I'd try to carry on as normal, including your regular visits, and don't mention Christmas. You're giving them the attention that they are craving, for whatever reason they want it for. If it's brought up, just say "we just want to wake up in our own house on Xmas day, we'll see you later that morning though", and act like it isn't a big deal.
I understand that you don't want others to think badly of you, that you're behaving badly - try not to let this bother you, as you know what a loyal DD you are.

Well well, a heartening conversation with my aunt and uncle this lunchtime, my uncle phoned with a much nicer tone than last time, saying that they wanted me to know they loved me very much and would always be there for me and that if I did want to visit please let them know and they'd love to see me, although they probably wouldn't tell my parents. He did go on to say mum and dad are very stressed and seem near to a breakdown so maybe that's why they're biting and taking it out on me. No mention of my needing to make it up with them at all, just that if perhaps I spoke to them in a week or so they might have calmed down but not to say he'd spoken to me.

I reiterated that it was all so silly over nothing very much at all, that this is what the boys want and we'd see them Xmas eve and later Xmas day and all this stress neednt have happened at all.

I think before last speaking to me on the phone, they'd had it laid on thick by my parents hence calling me to say i had to make it up with them, but after speaking to me and my being calm and rational they've had a rethink. He did say they had to support mum and dad but the implication seemed much more that they totally saw my point of view and thought I was being reasonable. I guess my aunt and uncle being sensible people themselves helped.

Nothing further from my parents, I'm not going to do anything yet, see what the next week or so brings. It's ds2's birthday mid December so they may have to get in touch by then.

As it stands I don't much want to see them at all but my kids will want to so am happy to see them for a bit Xmas day, I can't really decide if any longer as it depends on how they carry on with this.

Might give myself a deadline of two weeks before Xmas to make a decision, will send a brief email to see what they're thinking if I've heard nothing.

I'm suspecting their attitude may be 'if you don't care enough about us to come Xmas eve then don't bother' :-/

Exactly, Aeroflotgirl.

What about going over to see them one day on your own rather than emails and texts etc?

Have a conversation. Re-iterate what yu have already said. You will still see them on Xmas eve. You will see them and cook as normal on Xmas day but will be spending Xmas eve night and a few hours in the morning at home. Because it is what the DCs want. It is not a reflection on how they or you feel about them. It is not not seeing them at all. It doesn't need to be a big deal and the drama that they have made it into. Just keep on re-iterating it.

He did say they had to support mum and dad

But they really don't. Have to, that is. They are choosing to, but that is their right. I normally don't care for people who run with the hares and hunt with the hounds, but in this situation I really don't see any point in forcing the issue with them. They sound like lovely people who are just caught between 3 people they love dearly. I think they'll get tired at some point of hearing your parents whine about you and say something to them. Far better that you take the 'high road' with A & U and let them do as they are, you'll come out looking better for it.

At this point I guess it's a Mexican standoff so you may as well just 'relax' for now. I think your idea of 2 weeks out is a good one. But TBH, I don't think your parents will be getting in touch with you first, even about DS2's birthday. In fact they've probably already told themselves that you will be the one to contact them about that! As in "She has to call us about DS2's birthday. She won't be able to let that pass. Then we'll get this Xmas thing settled and things will be as they are supposed to be". Remember that there have been years of you capitulating or not even raising an objection to them calling the tune. So in their minds all they have to do is wait you out because in the past, that's a proven strategy.

CiderwithBuda

Tbh I can't gave going over there as there WILL be tears and evil looks, trying to get me to do what they want and going on about how stressed they are. Its bad enough at the moment without seeing it in person again, and I'm not sure I'm tough enough to brave that.

acrosdthepond I'm think you're right, I'm sure they are utterly convinced I'm in the wrong and being awful that they're waiting for me to come to them :-/

Don't give them any more attention about this, it's fuelling the flames. Don't go over so that you can talk about this more with them, there's nothing more to be said. You've already given your reasons, and that should be it. They'll just end up making you feel so guilty that you'll go over there on xmas eve, giving them what they want. My parents never took us to either of my GPs on xmas day when I was a kid - I've got lovely memories of relaxed family times, very special memories. Give your children the same.

It occurs to me that aunt and uncle are trying to prevent an escalation in the situation by supporting both you and your parents. They don't want to take sides, but I think they are very aware that your parents can be difficult when they don't get their own way. They know that you aren't being unreasonable but don't want to say or do the wrong thing to make it all worse.

I think a breathing space is good. I hope they won't be petty and not contact DS2 on his birthday.

Your parents have said they won't come to you on Christmas day. I would be wary of going back to the previous way where you always do all the food and cooking, always spend the exact number of hours with them each day, never have the opportunity to do anything different. What about in the future, when the boys want to spend some time at girlfriend's, even for a short time on Christmas eve? Would the GP's go off on one because they are not important enough any more to their DGS'?

Gosh, how bloody awful. Yes, sodding well stay home and have a lovely Christmas.

I'm amazed how often women on mumsnet seem to turn out sane and sensible despite having bampots for parents.

I'd like to say maybe there's only so much insanity to go round a family but I doubt that's true!!

Good call on waiting it out. Hopefully your a&u will talk some sense in to them too x

And also you are not responsible for their behaviour. So no guilt op.

From your U and A's splendid new attitude, I very much suspect they've had a further tsunami of tears tipped over them and had a quiet re-think

I totally get your point about the boys wanting to see them on 25th though, which is why I liked a PP's suggestion to nip over for a couple of hours after lunch. That way you all get a nice morning in your own home, you'll enjoy a lovely lunch without having to worry what the kids will eat if you had to walk out due to an awful scene and you establish the new principle of sharing some of Christmas with your parents without having to kowtow to their every demand

Win-win I'd say

YANBU OP just do what you want to do for a change.

I can never understand why people go all hysterical about one sodding day of the year. It's just a roast dinner and some presents yet so many families spend the time leading up to this one day arguing and being stressed about it all.