Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Sorry Indole, I was referring back to LaContessa's (generally great) email suggestion at 10.06. I should have made that clearer.

Your child's birthday will be a test run as to how they feel and if they can put any ill feelings behind them. I wouldn't just turn up on Christmas Day hoping that all will be well, I'd want it sorted in advance.

"For some people my mother, sitting there with a face like a slapped arse but not actually complaining means that she has officially done nothing wrong. "

Both my parents are like this AND my sister - its just me and dd this year can't wait!! Eating crap watching crap and doing what we want!

I agree 'looking forward to a lovely cheerful celebration' something along those lines, but DON'T HESITATE to leave if they are being arses! Your dc and you deserve a decent Christmas.

If they are behaving like this, I would not be spending any time over Christmas with them. Why put yourself through that and your ds.

OP I think you are handling this brilliantly and I hope you get the Christmas that you and the kids want. Your parents sound like they will never be happy unless you cave in to all their demands good luck

OP. hows it all going?

How are things between you now OP?

Hope everything is ok now?

update for all those who kindly posted and gave advice

Well it's been a truly horrendous time, I still haven't spoken to my parents since it all kicked off. There's been a pattern of my folks continuing to sob to my aunt & uncle weekly, which then means the next times I speak to my uncle he goes on at me initially to make it up with them then after he's heard me carry on taking sense and being adult they then end up seeing my point of view again and back and forth its gone on. My aunt and uncle have gradually seemed to have come more to my side to the extent of saying that they now take my side but feel they have to support my parents as they're so low

Oh by the way, it wasn't an illness but they went with the whole "we're going to move away" so at one point I had my uncle telling me that.

Ive kept reiterating my stance and we've ended up planning Xmas at home and I've accepted I might be in for the long haul in this.

I tried to maintain contact with my sister but she's assumed the golden child role, inviting them to hers for Xmas and berating me for treating our parents badly. I would have been cross had that not been so laughable given the hundreds of times she's upset the family.

Anyway, yesterday I had an email from my mother, basically again stating how stressed they are, how bad things are with the neighbours and how upset they were to hear we wouldnt be there Xmas eve or Xmas morning (forgetting the fact we'd have been there Xmas eve day time and back there later Xmas day morning. Not one word of apology although they did say they regretted upsetting ds2. It's basically a justification of their behaviour and how upset I made them. Sigh.

Anyway she ends in saying we'd be welcome to come over after Xmas for the day when my aunt and uncle are down.

I don't really know how to reply, I'm so upset with it all, it's been so so traumatic over literally a few hours which is what my dc's wanted, just a Xmas eve at home and wake up at home Xmas morning, and they still are thinking only of themselves and no apology whatsoever. I've also been quite angry that it feels like ww3 erupted over nothing and I've been treated like this over a Xmas eve at home when my sister has pulled so many stunts over the years and no one every said Boo. It feels so unfair when I've always been there for them and done so much.

I certainly don't want to turn up to theirs and everything is swept under the carpet which is what I think they want, that they've graciously emailed me despite my having upset them so much and invited us over.

On the plus side I'm looking forward to a Xmas at home for a change.

Oh Fiery, your parents are being so manipulative still. They are engaging aunt and uncle and now your sister to support them. This is one of the classic behaviours of narcissists; they love you when you toe the line and as soon as you don't you get the silent treatment, or you get ganged up on by others who are taking their side.

Ultimately you have what you want, a Christmas at home. It's just the circumstances that sour it. You could send a reply that is not what they expect. Say oh dear what a shame things are still so bad with the neighbours, you hope it will improve in the New Year. Dare to suggest that a move away might be just what they need! Say that you are pleased they will be enjoying Christmas with your sister, after all it must be her turn to cook after all these years! If you want to see Aunt and Uncle after Christmas at theirs say yes you'd love to, if not say you have plans already until New Year.

I don't know how good a cook your sister is, but it might just bring it home to them how much they are missing yours if it's not as good. They are expecting you to give in for the sake of a quiet life, they will never apologise and admit they were wrong. Let your sister play at being the golden child and see how long she lasts before they fall out.

I can see that you've been so wound up and stressed by all this, but I would suggest that you forget about wanting an apology and actually that you do allow the whole thing to be swept under the carpet. The fact is, that despite the continued moaning in your Mum's e-mail about you not being there Xmas eve or Xmas morning, she has (very very begrudgingly) accepted that you won't be there and she has invited you over on another day. I think that you should take that as A BIG WIN FOR YOU. You've done it really, haven't you? OK so it's not QUITE on the terms you wanted, but essentially you have achieved what you set out to achieve, haven't you??? So think of yourself as the winner, and allow yourself to move on (admittedly feeling very bruised and battered from ww3!!!).

It will be good for your boys that they will see their GPs. I daresay they will moan a lot on the day about not having seen you on Xmas day, but do your best to take no notice.

Reply breezily, saying "Wonderful, can't wait to see you, boys are excited!"

Well done, you! Really! You have done it, even if it doesn't quite feel like it!!!!

Also, think of all the pain and aggro this year as laying the groundwork for being more in control of what you want to do over the years to come...

Also... your Dsis as golden child - hope she enjoys the role - I wonder how long for?

Just got home from the Xmas food shop to find Xmas cards to dc1 and dc2 from them and nothing for me. I was still going to send them a card and a (token instead of usual lavish) present and drop it at my sisters. I'm so hurt they can't even write me a card. She said in her email they'd sent the boys vouchers in the post but thought I might get a card :-(

I'm struggling so hard to get my head (and heart) round how they can think I'm so much in the wrong.

That is a low blow, but they might have deliberately sent your card late so that you think you're not getting one, and then it could turn up tomorrow so that you feel you should be grateful. If you don't receive anything at all consider that they might be withholding it until you go to see them and aunt and uncle. A bribe if you like. You may need to explain to the DC why you don't have a present from them.

Do you know what you want to do about that visit?

Have a great Christmas Day

They had put the cards through the door so definitely not withholding my card.

You have won and it sounds like they are trying to reach out in their own inept way. I'm not sure what more you really want of them TBH. They are never going to be perfect, depends if you want to have a relationship with them in the future or keep this going until you get the apology and response you are happy with. Sometimes both sides need to meet each other half way. It's up to you how you want it to go from here, you have stood up to them so hopefully they will realise they can't always get their own way.

Have a lovely peaceful Christmas at home. At least you won't be worrying if it is going to kick off and can relax.

I'd drop them a card and token present round. Adopt a bright and brittle tone of voice if you feel up to speaking to them. Say you are glad that your sister has decided to spend Christmas with them. It will be good for everyone to have a break from the same old same old and make some NEW traditions. Up to you if you want to go to theirs and see aunt and uncle. You could invite them to you to have it on your turf if you prefer?

we've ended up planning Xmas at home

Thank god for that; no sulking and recriminations, but the lovely day your DCs wanted - and not before time

Re the tantrums, lack of card, etc, this strikes me as one of those times to remember that you can't control how others behave, only your own response. Working themselves into a lather of spite will hurt only them in the end, and like others I fully expect it will be your sister's turn only too soon

If you choose to visit after Christmas and they start again, maybe consider a quiet, tired-sounding "oh dear" and change the subject, or simply leave if they can't behave sensibly. What I wouldn't do is engage in any further discussions/arguments which will only reward their silliness

I'm really shocked at the level of emotional blackmail your parents have resorted to over your entirely reasonable decision to spend at least part of Christmas in your own home. They actually sound deranged to me. Your parents sobbing like DC when you told them? Not speaking to you for two months? FGS do they really think that's a reasonable and adult way to behave? Well done OP for standing your ground. I've read some bizarre over-reactions on MN over the years, but I think this one might take the prize.

Remember that the best way to stop a fire is to quit fanning the flames. Ignore anything having to do with Xmas, their 'feelings', your sister, moving away, etc. To respond to it only invites further comments and digs because they'll then know it 'gets to you'. Don't remark on your 'missing' card, don't comment on their 'stress' or 'upset'. Ignore it.

You've won. Not only Xmas, but you've broken out of the prison you were in. I'd be willing to bet that in the future, they won't assume you're at their beck and call. If they want something, they'll ask your sister, Ms Golden Child. Nothing wrong with that, you've done your share! Right now it's raw and uncomfortable because they're trying to put you back in the box and you may be feeling misplaced guilt over upsetting their apple cart. But eventually it'll be the 'new normal' and your 'lovely' sister can 'enjoy' being the golden child for awhile. Sometimes there's lots to be said for being the 'black sheep'. Nothing is expected of you and you don't have to give anything you don't want to.

As far as the email, either ignore it or only respond with 'See you after Xmas when Uncle and Aunt are down'. Then relax, pour a glass of wine, and pop in an Xmas film and enjoy with your children!

I've just spent most of this afternoon and all of this evening trying to catch up on this thread and finally got there obviously with breaks -smile]
You are SO not being unreasonable. All you wanted to do was spend Christmas in your own home on Christmas morning, and it's not like you said you wouldn't see them Christmas Day at all so I'm totally not seeing the problem! They have massively, MASSIVELY over-reacted.
You said you'd stick to your guns and not go Christmas morning. I hope this is still the same.
MIL can be like this with some things, and it's only recently after Gawd knows how many years that I've started to be assertive. It feels better. Trust me. What's the alternative? You being miserable and your children not getting to experience the Christmas they want?
No. You and your family have a right to be a family unit too in your own right.

They had put the cards through the door so definitely not withholding my card.

If your children haven't already seen the post, I'd be withholding them or more than likely supervising the opening.
I wouldn't put it past them to stick a note or message in, especially after the e-mail!
Supervise and intercept.

Firery when you think of how precious your children are, can you imagine a time when they are adults and you treat them like your mum has treated you? No. Neither can I. I have two girls - its unthinkable to me that one year there might be an opportunity to send them gifts and I choose not to.

I will never understand or forgive this behaviour no matter many times I see it explained on Mumsnet. Have the lovely Christmas you deserve with your own children. [fwine]

Oops - the [fwine] was a failed experiment. Just have loads of ordinary to make up for it.