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Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
FuzzyWizard · 05/11/2015 16:20

2 parents with one dominant gene each would give a 75% chance of deafness. You couldn't not know that you had a dominant gene though. You might not know you had a recessive gene. Someone with a recessive gene married to someone without gives a 0% chance of deafness though. Two related people are more likely to have the same recessive genes that they are unaware of than if they marry an unrelated person. This is why cousins are twice as likely to have children with health problems than the general population.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/11/2015 16:21

There is a huge difference between a family where cousins have married each other for generations and a one off marriage between cousins in a family where this hasn't happened before in living memory. I just can't get worked up about the latter at all.

I do feel sorry for your cousins, Refuse. Your attention-seeking behaviour must be casting a shadow over their wedding plans.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2015 16:21

I'm half deaf. I don't feel especially mutated.

Maybe half mutated Joffrey ? Grin

Lauren15 · 05/11/2015 16:22

My dh has a friend who married his first cousin. I knew them both before they got together and did find it a bit weird. I still went to the wedding though because it's none of my business.

DinosaursRoar · 05/11/2015 16:23

OP - you aren't suddenly going to think this is ok, no matter what anyone says. Your cousins aren't suddenly going to think this is not ok, no matter what you or anyone else says. This is happening.

I would RSVP decline that you 'have another engagement' on that date. (Not unbelievable around Christmas). Leave it at that. Don't slag them off to your mother or other family, say you aren't able to attend, not why. (If pushed, "I have something else on that date with DH's family, so can't go.").

Not going to the wedding isn't going to end your friendship with your cousin, unless you make a big point about not going, whereas going and making comments after a few drinks or look miserable, would be friendship ending. No wedding has 100% attendance, a polite decline wouldn't cause upset unless you make a big deal about why you aren't going.

pictish · 05/11/2015 16:23

Oh my goodness OP, what a puffed up, self important, meddlesome woman you are coming across as.
All this grave and earnest disapproval here...you even stopped seeing her over this! You said she was your best friend...but you have behaved like no best friend anyone needs.

"It's just the way I feel."
Who gives a toss?

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 16:23

OP, if you knew your cousins had decided not to have children or to adopt/foster, would your objections still stand?

OP hasnt once mentioned the health implications for potential children as as a reason for her opposing the marriage. I think her objections lie elsewhere. jealousy

Magiciansgirl81 · 05/11/2015 16:23

My auntie and uncle are first cousins. My grandparents were not very happy about the relationship at first but they came to accept it and support it. They couldn't understand why their daughter and nephew had chosen to be together. There was a few eyebrows raised when they decided to marry.

Everyone in the family attended the wedding and they are still happily married 25 years later. A legal relationship should never be about what others think it right or wrong.

They fell in love, got married, had a child and have had a good life together with the usual ups and downs.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2015 16:24

She's ruining her life because she's marrying our first cousin

And what happens when you get invited to their 5o wedding anniversary with all their children and grandchildren and greatgrandchildren? Will you still persist that she's ruined her life, that there's still time for it to go horribly wrong?

OliviaBenson · 05/11/2015 16:24

But how is marrying her first cousin going to ruin her life? I get that you don't like it, but I don't get how it's ruins her own life?

So you think she should sacrifice her happiness to retain your friendship then? Why is it all or nothing? Perhaps she hopes you could learn to live with it?

Kewcumber · 05/11/2015 16:25

cross posted with magician

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/11/2015 16:25

What happens with half-siblings who don't know they're half siblings?

Some men spread their seed far and wide. How would they know??

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 16:26

SurlyCue She's ruining her life because she's marrying our first cousin. It is about them being cousins.

Can you explain how that ruins her life? Will it make her ill? Will it make her unemployable? What impact are you forseeing that you think will ruin her life?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/11/2015 16:27

I would RSVP decline that you 'have another engagement' on that date. (Not unbelievable around Christmas). Leave it at that. Don't slag them off to your mother or other family, say you aren't able to attend, not why. (If pushed, "I have something else on that date with DH's family, so can't go.").

Not going to the wedding isn't going to end your friendship with your cousin, unless you make a big point about not going, whereas going and making comments after a few drinks or look miserable, would be friendship ending. No wedding has 100% attendance, a polite decline wouldn't cause upset unless you make a big deal about why you aren't going.

I get the impression it's far too late for any of that, Dino. The OP has already made her views plain and the friendship is over. I agree it's best she doesn't go, but a white lie about the reason is not likely to convince anyone.

TokenGinger · 05/11/2015 16:27

Their parents must be raging.

I can't imagine sitting with my brother in several years time saying, "Hey, our kids have sex with each other."

That just doesn't sit comfortably with me! Very odd.

Someone earlier in the thread said that something being legal makes it acceptable. It doesn't. Being an alcoholic is legal but it's not acceptable!

NewLife4Me · 05/11/2015 16:28

You sound very jealous of their relationship. Do you blame the other cousin from stopping your best friend relationship. That seems the only reasonable assumption tbh.

If you feel so strongly against the marriage you shouldn't go.
Do you really need people on a forum to tell you this?

juneau · 05/11/2015 16:29

Okay, its not illegal to marry your step-sibling - I always thought it was! I stand corrected.

pictish · 05/11/2015 16:30

I am also curious to know how this is ruining her life? In what way?

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 05/11/2015 16:30

So just don't go Confused

PhoenixReisling · 05/11/2015 16:31

*Oh my goodness OP, what a puffed up, self important, meddlesome woman you are coming across as.
All this grave and earnest disapproval here...you even stopped seeing her over this! You said she was your best friend...but you have behaved like no best friend anyone needs.

"It's just the way I feel."
Who gives a toss?*

^^THIS^^^^^^

pulls up a chair and pop corn

Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 16:31

OP explain how this is ruining her life?

Most people won't even know u less she tells them (which is up to her). In what way, apart from one cousin no longer speaking to her, will this definitely ruin her life?

If you miss her, talk to her and accept she has made her decision. It's not worth losing decades of friendship for.

However that's not to say she shouldn't go ahead. You should try and get past it. If you can't fine, but don't make out that she is the one throwing your relationship away.

OliviaBenson · 05/11/2015 16:31

I'm not sure you can compare alcoholism as a disease with marrying a first cousin. Irrelevant.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/11/2015 16:34

Presumably it will ruin her life the op will be there (like the bad fairy) at special occasions ruining it.

Oh and there will be fewer Christmas and Birthday cards too.

Serve them right the doing-something-perfectly-legal-with-no-justifiable-moral-objection-that-does-not-affect-anyone-else-or-presume-by-making-that-choice-that-others-should-also-make-that-choice-too-bastards!

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 16:36

I can't imagine sitting with my brother in several years time saying, "Hey, our kids have sex with each other.

I cant imagine discussing my adult child's sex life with anyone. Maybe i'm odd Confused

TokenGinger · 05/11/2015 16:37

Olivia - I'm not comparing them. I'm correcting the statement whereby somebody said "if something is legal, it's acceptable."