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Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
Maryz · 05/11/2015 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mayo12 · 05/11/2015 16:04

My parents are first cousins; my two grandmothers are sisters. Both my brother and I are normal, and have no weird abnormalities.
Our family never had a problem with their relationship, but people like you are the reason my mother has been worried about other people's reactions for the past forty years....judgemental and nasty. If you don't like their relationship don't go to the wedding, they're better off without you there.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 16:04

No, Surly! I'm saying that all of us carry genes for certain disabilities but these are usually "covered up" by breeding with a different set of genes. However when you breed with someone related to you who, shock horror, carries the same defective genes, there is nothing to cover up the abnormality and it is expressed in deafness (or whatever).

What the hell do they teach you in school?!

FuzzyWizard · 05/11/2015 16:05

I don't think I've ever in my life been considered a conservative type. Grin

MrsDeVere · 05/11/2015 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 16:05

Ah, Mayo, I do love the denial of statistical evidence by saying "well my grandmother is ok therefore your statistics must be wrong".

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/11/2015 16:07

Mutation seems like quite a strong word for not being able to hear.

Is deafness a mutation?

Isn't it just a personal characteristic or something?

I'm half deaf. I don't feel especially mutated.

GruntledOne · 05/11/2015 16:07

You're still not getting the point on the deaf child, ILeft. A previous poster cited ONE instance of cousins having a deaf child as proof of the dangers of cousins marrying. If the child's parents are related the deafness will only result from that if the deafness is genetic AND if the relevant genetic defect is in the family AND both parents carry it. However, there are plenty of deaf children neither of whose parents are known to have the genetic defect; there are deaf children who have inherited it from one parent; and there are deaf children who have inherited it though both parents who however are unrelated. One instance proves absolutely nothing.

Maryz · 05/11/2015 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GruntledOne · 05/11/2015 16:09

Again, only on MN could people try and deny that incest is dangerous.

This isn't incest. And it's only dangerous if they have children and if they carry genetic defects. No-one knows whether they intend to have children or are able to, and they can screen for genetic defecs.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/11/2015 16:11

Grin @ LeftMyBrainInTheMortuary Grin

Mayo12 · 05/11/2015 16:11

I never said statistics were wrong. I just gave us a a single example, as the couple with deaf children were given earlier.

FuzzyWizard · 05/11/2015 16:12

Mrs DV- you are right that it isn't incest, in the UK at least.
Here having sex with your nephew or niece is incest but in many countries it isn't.
In a lot of the US marrying a first cousin is illegal.
What is and isn't incestuous is not the same from country to country.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2015 16:14

you haven't covered X-linked or mitochondrial inherited deafness Ridingcrop

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/11/2015 16:16

It's 2015. Getting married is not synonymous with having children. A couple can have children without being married. A couple may get married and decide not to have children. Many couples have fertility problems.

OP, if you knew your cousins had decided not to have children or to adopt/foster, would your objections still stand?

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 16:16

SurlyCue She's ruining her life because she's marrying our first cousin. It is about them being cousins. Nothing more, nothing less. She has freewill and obviously can do as she pleases but I won't condone her actions.

We miss each other OliviaBenson I know it's not worth losing decades of friendship but she should know this too. She should realise this too. They've known about each other their whole lives. Even if they only met on special occasions, this is wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 16:17

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g In short, yes. It comes down to all of us being so closely related.

OP posts:
juneau · 05/11/2015 16:18

Well I agree with you OP - its yukky - whatever the law says. The law is an ass on the subject of marriage anyway. Its legal to marriage a first cousin, but illegal to marry a step-brother or step-sister, despite them being no blood relative and therefore not a risk for birth defects.

And on the subject of birth defects I know that first-cousin marriage makes that MUCH more likely. I saw a programme on BBC2 (I think) quite recently talking about the British Pakistani community and how birth defects are really common purely because their culture tries to keep wealth within the immediate family and so first-cousin marriage is very common. It may not strictly be incest, but its only one step removed.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2015 16:18

Again, only on MN could people try and deny that incest is dangerous.

Lots of things carry increased risk - ski-ing, marrying a cousin, getting pregnant over 25/30/35/40, smoking, eating too much.

We all take a certain degree of risk - marrying your cousin is a lower risk for genetic diseases/conditions than giving birth over 40.

I think you would have a bigger affect on more children if you started a petition against mothers over 40 on MN if your war cry here is But who's thinking of the children

G1veMeStrength · 05/11/2015 16:19

I can't imagine any of my cousins marrying each other. It WOULD feel very wierd. When I am with my cousins it feels like we are all sort of half-siblings to each other. So my first reaction is to shy away from it.

However if this was happening to me, IRL, well my cousins are all such ace people that I would struggle, and I think that for me the good would overwhelm the ick in the end, iyswim.

contrary13 · 05/11/2015 16:19

My mother's sister married my father's brother. This makes my first cousins, from that marriage, pretty much akin to my siblings. We share the same DNA on both sides (and one of them is the spitting image of my DD, which is... actually kind of scary now that I stop and think about it... but also not at the same time!).

My mother's parents were first cousins once removed. My great-great-grandfather on that line is also my great-great-great-grandfather.

You know what...? If your cousins love one another, and if they are happy... then you need to understand that. Congenital defects are very rare as a result of such marriages. Chances are, way back when, your family tree will have diverged if you came from rural areas and, frankly, this isn't as big a "thing" as you are making it out to be. I really do understand your concerns, but... genetics are funny things. They mutate all the time, irrespective of whether a child's parents/grandparents were first cousins, or second cousins, or grew up on opposite sides of the country.

If you cannot support them in their marriage, then stay away. For your sake as well as theirs. I'm fairly sure they will have taken the fact that they're first cousins into consideration already, without you sitting like the Morrigan in the audience.

HorseyCool · 05/11/2015 16:19

I would maybe disapprove but ultimately they are adults, they are presumably very much so taking the idea that they need to go off and anther compatible partner is like us suggesting that you leave your husband.

Let God judge them , not you. I hope that they have a lovely wedding and marriage.

wowis · 05/11/2015 16:19

but refuse, again...how do you know your opinion is 'right'? its just your opinion! It's what you think, not the 'carved in stone truth' of the matter. Just what little old you thinks...so leave them to it and move on!

GreenPotato · 05/11/2015 16:20

Deafness is not incompatible with a normal happy life and I know it's very important to many deaf people to continue their culture and they are often happy to have a deaf child.

But I don't think that means all genetic impairments are to be celebrated. Many people who have a child with a severe genetic condition would rather they hadn't, as some of those conditions cause a lot of suffering. It's reasonable to think if the cultural habit of marrying cousins could be avoided, it might be a good thing as it would save on lots of health problems and distress.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2015 16:20

it's not illegal to marry your step-siblings?! Confused

Only half-siblings (ie shared blood parent)