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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 06/11/2015 22:31

The majority of the children in the service were born into families where consanguineous relationships were commonplace.

The fact that many of the children you saw were from consanguineous marriages does not mean that the majority of children born from consanguineous marriages will inherit genetic abnormalities. You wouldn't go into a gynaecology department and decide that all women must be ill. As discussed, there is an increased risk. However, it is no greater than other risks, such as older mothers.

OP I wonder if some of your extreme reaction stems from your closeness to your cousin. You're so close to her that you have this skewed view of cousin relationships. However, her relationship with your other cousin is entirely different. They're not siblings and they haven't grown up with the same kind of closeness.

Orda1 · 06/11/2015 22:35

Yanbu.

I don't think I know anyone that would find marrying your cousin even vaguely normal.

Kennington · 06/11/2015 22:39

This is illegal in much of continental Europe for health reasons however in the UK aristocracy have been doing it for years.
Hopefully their children will not suffer from a recessive disease.
They will be genetically counselled for this when they have children.
I didn't marry my cousin but I had counselling for a potentially recessive disease and we had testing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/11/2015 22:42

You have a serious lack of self-awareness. You just can't see your behaviour as it really is, because you truly believe you have the moral highground here.

You are arrogant because you believe your opinion outweighs anything else.
You are prejudiced because you think that "cousins shouldn't marry" and have little real evidence to base that on, as has been shown that real genetic problems only tend to occur when there is a LOT of intermarriage, not a one-off pair of cousins marrying
You are judgemental because you are judging what your cousin is doing to be morally wrong and "a bit icky" (FFS, how old are you?)

YOU are destroying your relationship with your cousin, not her.
YOU are judging her for marrying another cousin, not her.
YOU are the problem, not her.

Try and take that on board and you might get on a bit better in life. All the while you think this is not about you, you are going to have real problems in the future - this is how narcissists behave, believing everyone else to be/have the problems, not them - SEE what you are doing, OWN your own behaviour and UNDERSTAND that this is YOUR PROBLEM, not theirs.

rainbowstardrops · 06/11/2015 22:48

I'm clearly in the minority with the OP too.
I wouldn't make a fuss but I'd consider not going if my thoughts ran that deep.
For me, I couldn't imagine marrying any of my cousins. I also can't imagine my children marrying any of their cousins.

It's totally legal obviously but to me, it just doesn't sit well. My cousins and my children's cousins are family.
Each to their own of course.

Kewcumber · 06/11/2015 23:59

What you've said actually agrees with the majority and NOT with the OP though Confused

OhYeahMama · 07/11/2015 00:20

Seem bizarre you value family ties so much you will lose a relationship with a valued family member because of your views. Confused

mathanxiety · 07/11/2015 00:47

How you feel about attending the wedding is perfectly valid, OP. You do not owe your cousins your presence at their wedding, when your presence might be taken as approval and you do not approve.

However, your cousin/BFF does not owe you anything either. She did not owe you the honour of choosing someone you approved of. I think your outrage that she has done something you disapprove of despite your long relationship is misplaced.

People don't really 'choose' a life partner anyway. They fall in love, sometimes with someone who is unsuitable. It's hardly ever a rational, cut and dried matter.

I don't think you are seeing things in the right light: 'They are obsessed with going ahead regardless' of your views strikes me as very presumptuous on your part.

ShortcutButton · 07/11/2015 06:19

maid I dont buy that. As I said in an earlier post, if my friends are doing something 'wrong', I pull closer. That is precisely when you need your friends. I love my friends. The ones I have kept over time, that love is unconditional pretty much

Sansoora · 07/11/2015 06:28

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle.

I would put money on them not wanting to invite you under the circumstances but somewhere along the line someone has said - she's your cousin and out of principle she should be invited.

Do them a favour and don't go.

Lweji · 07/11/2015 06:50

NOT true
This is illegal in much of continental Europe

See earlier posts.

Pangurban1 · 07/11/2015 08:47

They both have one parent who are not related by blood to anyone else across the line. This is better than some instances of cousin marriages (for any offspring). If every grandparent was related to one of the other grandparents, then the possibility of genetic issues being inherited would increase. I take it there are six grandparents and not just four.

It is more dilute than siblings in a sexual relationship. It does however raise the possibility of their children inheriting genetic issues. There is an issue with the British Pakistani community and inherited medical issues because of this very thing. I can't remember particulars off hand, but it has been on radio programmes. This is due to a practice of first cousin marriages in the line, even grandparents themselves and so on further back even.

Don't they have to undergo medical tests in parts of the US when relatives this close marry? I think it is illegal in some of the US states.

Lweji · 07/11/2015 08:57

There is a map on the thread that shows where it's illegal and legal...

SummerNights1986 · 07/11/2015 09:58

OK so for the many that think the op is bu - that the risk of genetically-caused problems with dc of the marriage is small enough to be unimportant, that sharing grandparents is no big deal, she should get over her 'ick' and so on.

How about a half Aunt and their Nephew - which is genetically only as close as first cousins marrying. So one of your dh's siblings (that share the same mum as him) marrying one of your dc.

All still OK? Where is your 'line'? Assuming of course you have one, why is it OK for you to have one but not the op?

Enjolrass · 07/11/2015 10:09

I think the OP is bu.

I have also said several times that I would be uncomfortable with the the situation but would not cut someone so close out of my life .

I certainly wouldn't cut them out and moan about how we used to be close and how sad I am I don't see them anymore when it's down to me.

The half aunt situation is a pointless conversation. Are they both adults? Did the half Aunt help bring up the nephew? Is there a chance the half aunt groomed the nephew? Even then would I want to cut the nephew out of my life?

It's not the OPs stance on the marriage that is unreasonable for me. It's her attitude, how she has handled it and her refusal to understand that she is the reason her relationship with her cousin has broken down.

Kewcumber · 07/11/2015 10:15

My own line is that I wouldn't marry anyone that is illegal or anyone I don't love (in a sexual way!) - for me that would include anyone I consider family or husbands/wives.

But what you're missing is that I don't have "a line" for other people. I expect them to set their own line and if I think their line is "a bit ick" then I put a brave face on and wish them well. I can't think of many legal situations where I couldn't do that - at a stretch I might express some concerns but if they're happy and sure their doing the right thing for them then I'd but out and smile and nod. And if it all went horribly wrong, then I'd be there and would swallow my "I told you so".

A school friend of mine married one of our teachers, he had been married and divorced his wife to marry her barely a year out of school - she was 18 he was (from memory) late 30's. Lots of people have to deal with others doing things they wouldn't themselves - you aren't entitled to dictate what other peoples lines should be.

MildVirago · 07/11/2015 10:26

Summer, the difference between the OP's cousins marrying and the scenario (half-aunt and nephew) is that I'm pretty sure that what you describe is illegal, in this country, at least. You may not agree with the logic of where the law draws the line - which of course has changed a lot over time and is culturally specific - but the difference is in legality.

There are several relative marriages which are not permitted which have nothing to do with shared blood and/or the risk of genetic abnormality - you are specifically forbidden in law from marrying your adoptive (or former adoptive) parent or child, for instance, but not from marrying your sibling by adoption.

And, conversely, there are relationships many would be shocked by, but which are not illegal - a stepfather can marry his ex-wife's daughter, or (the former husband needs to be dead, and everyone over 21), a woman can marry her father-in-law. But I think the shock there would be based less on some kneejerk 'ew' than on the pre-existing relationships.

Mermaidhair · 07/11/2015 10:41

In Aus I found out it's legal for an Uncle to marry his niece, Aunt marry her nephew. Is it the same in the UK? I don't think my brother would be to happy if I married his son.

MildVirago · 07/11/2015 10:59

As I understand it, neither full nor half uncle/aunt - nephew/niece marriages are legal here.

Mermaidhair · 07/11/2015 11:09

thankyou

Original poster
Refuse · 07/11/2015 11:11

SurlyCue

I cant honestly believe you would rather support her in marrying an abusive man than marrying a decent man who loves her. What sort of fucked up are you? that isnt normal, you realise that dont you?

You've been particularly nasty on this thread. Of course I wouldn't support her in marrying an abusive man. I don't think I want to continue engaging with you on this thread.

GruntledOne In truth I don't think our relationship would be so severed in that circumstance. I wouldn't support her marrying someone as you suggest might be inherently horrible.

Enjolrass I reiterate, I haven't cut her (or them) out. It wasn't a big drama in which I told her I'd never speak to her again. Over time the friendship just waned. I am prepared to accept that is wholly my doing because of my views.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 07/11/2015 11:45

But you have said she has repeatedly emailed you but you are not for turning. . Reading your description of your closeness, it is very sad that you are prepared to let all that go for something that, while obviously extremely disagreeable in your opinion, isn't actually going to hurt or effect you iykwim (though you do actually seem both somehow).

Clearly she loves him and is going to marry him so now the choice is yours-are you happier to lose your lifelong best friend because she's going to marry him or wouldn't it be better to mend your relationship? It won't be effect her marriage plans either way, but it will certainly effect your life, and hers; close, lifelong friends are so rare and precious. I 'broke up' with mine in my early 20s because of her bf now dh and you never get that closeness of youth back. We are in touch again and bothhhave said how sad what happened was. It's so lovely to hear from her each time.

Finally, you say she's going to ruin her life because of who she's marrying ie simply because he's her cousin-can you detail why you think this or what you imagine/are so sure is going to happen?

SoupDragon · 07/11/2015 12:08

I've lost a best friend and two cousins. Not by my own making

As others have said, it is entirely of your making.

Jux · 07/11/2015 12:34

I was going to post exactly what Soupdragon has just posted.

You don't want to lose your best friend. So you are going to have to put your feelings aside on this, take it on the chin, and put it behind you. You could still be best friends, you could be there for her.

Atm you are just wallowing in a bit of self-righteousness. Please, please look at yourself with a stony implacable glare, and dig yourself out of the pit you've got yourself into.

You don't want to lose your best friend, so you are going to have to make a sacrifice to keep her.