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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 07/11/2015 13:10

Of course I wouldn't support her in marrying an abusive man

Cant be arsed searching through the massive thread but thats what you said. Although you do have a habit of back pedalling so perhaps you get confused about what you have said.

ShortcutButton · 07/11/2015 13:16

*refuse_ do you know that you will not get to change your mind about your relationship woth your froend/cousin?

Because i get the imprezsion that you think if you 'forgive' her, order will be reztored. It wont. There is no comong back from this. You need to know and nelieve that. Because what you are doing is unforgivable

Thats why your sisters/parents are attending the wedding/supporting your cousin, despite their disapproval. You think they are being 2 faced and hypocritical. They arent. They know that their opinion on this matter is of no relevance/importance. They are doing what any decent person would

Original poster

Refuse · 07/11/2015 13:33

SurlyCue I'd rather appreciate it if you left the thread. You have been taking my words out of context and putting words into my mouth. I have never once on this thread or even in RL said that I'd support her marrying an abusive man. I'm not sure who rattled your cage but your contempt towards me is indeed laughable. I do not have a habit for "back peddling" but what I do have is the capacity to understand the measured and considerate views that have been posted on this thread.

Jux I don't think our friendship can ever really be the same again. Much like ShortcutButton says. As much as I want to be there for her I cannot get passed this and I know that ultimately it is me who will lose out. This is something I'm going to accept.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 07/11/2015 13:52

I'd rather appreciate it if you left the thread

Unfortunately, you don't get to control who posts on a thread. Rather like you don't get to control who your cousins marry.

MamaLazarou · 07/11/2015 13:53

You could accept it, or you could make the choice to try and get past it. I admit that when my sister first told me she was in a relationship with our cousin, I thought, "WTF? Yuck!". Then I spent some time with them as a couple, and yes, it did feel a bit awkward and 'wrong' at the start but I saw how happy they are together and I decided I was going to have to get used to it. He's not the man I would have chosen for her and I am holding my breath and crossing my fingers that the baby will be ok but my cousin makes me sister happy and I just can't see a decent reason why I should have a problem with that. I hope you will be able to get past your knee-jerk reaction and be happy that your cousin has found someone who makes her so happy she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

itsmeohlord · 07/11/2015 14:11

I get the impression that whoever the cousin chose to marry would have to have the seal of approval of the OP for their friendship to continue.

I can't get over the fact that this cousin is meant to be the OPS BEST FRIEND. With friends like these.....

If she really wanted to be there for her friend and cousin the OP would "get past this", accept the relationship was happening and go to the wedding.

kerbs · 07/11/2015 14:20

OP, you have asked if you are Being Unreasonable; most posters think you are. What now? Presumably nothing. Waste of time for you and us.

SummerNights1986 · 07/11/2015 14:32

I think whether a marriage is legal or not is irrelevant to how you feel about it. Law makers don't always get it right IMO and just because something is The Law doesn't mean we should all automatically agree that something is just fine to do.

If you lived in one of the numerous states in the USA that still legally allow corporal punishment in schools, would you automatically go 'Oh well it's not illegal so I couldn't possibly disagree with it'? What about one of the states where it is legal to have sexual relations with an animal?

A quick google tells me that in Sweden it is possible, in certain circumstances, to marry your half-sibling legally. Still OK?

The World is full of stupid, shocking and downright awful laws. I don't think the law is necessarily something to set your moral compass by.

Gabilan · 07/11/2015 14:35

OK so for the many that think the op is bu - that the risk of genetically-caused problems with dc of the marriage is small enough to be unimportant, that sharing grandparents is no big deal, she should get over her 'ick' and so on.

Where is your 'line'? Assuming of course you have one, why is it OK for you to have one but not the op?

I think you're missing the nuances in this argument. Many of the people who've said the OP is BU have also said that they are uncomfortable with cousin marriages themselves. The U bit is her way of dealing with her sense of "ick" not the "ick" itself. Her sisters and mother have decided that despite misgivings they will support the couple - that seems to be to me a reasonable course.

I note that you try to dismiss people's arguments by making a rather snide reference to some people perhaps not drawing the line anywhere at all. It doesn't add to your argument. Having been brought up in the UK my line pretty much fits with the standard incest taboos and law in this country. I find the idea of siblings and people in the direct parental line getting married revolting. I have no problem with 2nd cousins, as that just entails having one set of great-grandparents in common. I find first cousins a bit more problematic. I was brought up to be close with all my cousins, so they felt a bit like siblings. But I do have an adopted cousin I have never met - I might feel quite differently about that person.

However, first cousin marriages are legal and so if I met two cousins who were married, I expect I would just wish them well.

Gruntfuttock · 07/11/2015 14:38

"SurlyCue I'd rather appreciate it if you left the thread."

Of all the bloody cheek! You really are a control freak, OP.

ReadFox · 07/11/2015 14:40

This might be not related at all, but I wonder if the OP would look at say a woman of 4'11 and a partner of 5'4" and worry about the children's 100 in 100 chance of being really, really, short having inherited it from both sides.. Same goes for a woman of 6'2 and the taller man she eventually found :-p Would anybody in their right mind feel entitled to warn them of the high chance that their children would be teeny tiny or giantesque? No.

MildVirago · 07/11/2015 14:52

summer, you asked where people's 'line' on consanguineous marriages was, and offered the example of whether people would be ok with a half-aunt/nephew marriage. I simply pointed out that no one in this country would need to draw their personal line there, because the law draws it for them. In this legal jurisdiction, your half-sister and your son will not be sending out 'save the day' cards. Laws on consanguineous marriages are admittedly quite illogical, though - it's not as straightforward as 'marriages with X amount of shared blood are illegal'.

SummerNights1986 · 07/11/2015 14:58

I wonder if the OP would look at say a woman of 4'11 and a partner of 5'4" and worry about the children's 100 in 100 chance of being really, really, short having inherited it from both sides

That's nonsense though.
DH's mum is 5 foot. His dad is 5 foot 6. DH is 6' 3''. There is more to genes that just the direct parent.

And being very tall or very short is not a medical condition. Why would you want someone to be 'warned' that their child may be short? You just as soon try 'warning' them that their child may have blue eyes or brown hair - completely irrelevant to everything and a completely different situation to knowingly stacking the odds of your dc having some kind of birth defect/disability/whatever.

randomcatname · 07/11/2015 15:24

DH's mum is 5 foot. His dad is 5 foot 6. DH is 6' 3''. There is more to genes that just the direct parent

This is such good news for my dc

SurlyCue · 07/11/2015 16:04

SurlyCue I'd rather appreciate it if you left the thread

goodness, you really are used to getting your own way arent you? Well as much as you would like it, much like your cousins' relationship, you have no say in whether i continue to post here.

I wonder if the OP would look at say a woman of 4'11 and a partner of 5'4" and worry about the children's 100 in 100 chance of being really, really, short having inherited it from both sides.. Same goes for a woman of 6'2 and the taller man she eventually found :-p Would anybody in their right mind feel entitled to warn them of the high chance that their children would be teeny tiny or giantesque? No

again, despite having plenty of opportunity to do so, OP has not once stated that the health of future children is her concern. This isnt do with with health risks at all. I'm pretty convinced its nothing to do with the fact they are cousins marying either. OP has what i am starting to think is a dependant relationship with her cousin and is struggling with tha being taken from her. At a guess i would say the husband-to-be has supported the cousin in standing up to OP and no longer being told how to breathe. OP hasnt got the control she once had and doesnt like it.

I get the impression that whoever the cousin chose to marry would have to have the seal of approval of the OP for their friendship to continue.

Yep. Been saying this throughout. OP's issue is not who she is marrying, but that she is marrying.

Chippednailvarnish · 07/11/2015 16:06

You really are a control freak, OP

Now there's an understatement if ever I saw one!

ReadFox · 07/11/2015 17:22

I wonder, if I were OP if I might feel that the male cousin had by choosing my other female cousin, entered us in to a competition that I definitely didn't choose to enter.

rationally, the op doesn't want a sexual relationship with her cousin, so that's not something she'd 'try' for but still, the male cousin knows them both really well and fell for, and so prefers, the other cousin.

kerbs · 07/11/2015 17:39

I don't understand why you can't explain your reasoning OP. You have backtracked a few times and now say you don't think her life will be ruined, so I can't help thinking it's just down to irrational prejudice and stubbornness.

If you could turn the clock back two years would you still take the same hard line?

coolaschmoola · 07/11/2015 22:08

The only thing that I want for my best friend is happiness. Your best friend has found that and rather than be happy that she is happy you're disgusted and disapproving.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/11/2015 22:22

It's not op's best friend though, Coola. Unless of course I've missed something as I've been following but cba to wtht.
There are no laws that say. You have to be happy because others are.
If op disaproves. She disapproves. I will be honest I too think it disgusting for people to be swimming in their own gene pool. Yes I know its legal but that doesn't mean everyone has to think it's right. Like I said further back in the thread. Beastiality sex with animals and necrophilia is sex with dead bodies are legal in some countries. That to me and I guess to 99.9% of people doesn't make it right. We certainly do live in a strange and baffling old world

coolaschmoola · 07/11/2015 22:30

The op has said over and over that her cousin is/was her best friend. In all honesty first cousins marrying isn't something I would ever dream of, but as it's not illegal and her cousin is happy, that should be the most important thing. No one is asking HER to marry a cousin. It's two adults, who have fallen in love and found happiness with each other, entering into a legal marriage of their own free will. When we die what will have mattered most? For me it's happiness. They've found that in each other. Long may it continue.

Gabilan · 07/11/2015 22:32

The OP has said clearly and several times that she feels her female cousin is her best friend. That's partly why she's so upset - she feels she's losing her best friend and both cousins.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/11/2015 22:44

......but any 'losing' is down to her. Her cousins don't want it to lose the closeness. She has bought it on herself....

SurlyCue · 07/11/2015 23:00

OP said she feels like she has lost her right arm. This is far more than just a best friend. Unless OP and her cousin are teenagers then their relationship is odd and sounds very intense. Like i said earlier there seems to be a dependency on OP's part. Clearly an unhealthy one given the effect her cousin's marriage is having on OP. She is extremely angry about it. That isnt normal.

wickedlazy · 07/11/2015 23:58

I wonder if the OP would look at say a woman of 4'11 and a partner of 5'4" and worry about the children's 100 in 100 chance of being really, really, short having inherited it from both sides..

My parents are really short, and thus I'm really short.

Please don't compare my two short parents having children to two first cousins having children.

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