To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

[Refuse]

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

This gets weirder and weirder. You're ready to throw away this ultra-close friendship which means everything to you, purely because you don't approve of her choice of partner. And not because he's violent or abusive or criminal, or already married to someone else, but because he's a cousin. That's just about the silliest reason for ending a close relationship I've ever heard.

i don't agree with you. i think you should be happy for her and get over it.

your animosity over this has caused ructions in your family and destroyed your close friendship. that is a choice you have made. i'm not surprised you're sad about it!

I just don't want my first cousin to marry my other first cousin. tough

she is my best friend no, she isn't. Not really. if your need to control her life and your objection to having your views ignored are more important to you than seeing her - then no, she really isn't as important to you as you think. And she now knows that - if she was ever in any doubt.

Enjolrass I haven't made her choose. She already did 2 years ago, if there was a choice to be made it has already been made. I know where I stand.

SurlyCue I can see that you think I'm being thoroughly unreasonable. And in fact my sisters think throwing away our whole friendship over this is stupid but they still also find it 'ick' (something I cannot understand?).
She never just went along with want I wanted for the sake of it. We were always equal. In many ways she was captain and I was captain depending on the situation. We had a rare relationship, in that I've never had that with anyone else. You are right however in that I do feel like I've lost a right arm.

MildVirago I'm not "ready" to throw away our friendship. If I were then I'd not be posting. This really comes down to her relationship with our cousin. My relationship with her is not the key here, our relationship was fine till a couple of years ago.

I can see IABU. That's fine. I get it. Thank you all for your input. I won't go to the wedding and let them have their happy day. As it's been pointed out they'd probably rather do with a sourpuss on their 'special' day.

My relationship with her is not the key here, our relationship was fine till a couple of years ago

You don't care enough for her to hold your feeling of "ick" inside (as the rest of your family are doing if you're right). Because having your say and telling her its wrong is more important to you.

But you are setting it up as a choice! You've just said she 'already made a choice' two years ago. That's really over-involved. Sure, people in very close friendships not infrequently feel jealous or dusplaced when their 'right arm' falls in love, but they realise that's their problem and work through it in most cases. They don't try to persuade their friend not to marry on spurious grounds, and then boycott the wedding.

OP I think you've had a real kicking here, just wanted to say YANBU. Some years ago I worked alongside a specialist service which treated some very unwell children with debilitating and often fatal genetic conditions. The majority of the children in the service were born into families where consanguineous relationships were commonplace.

I firmly believe that first cousin marriages should be illegal.

So, Cheby, you're describing a completely different situation, where there are multiple consanguineous marriages.

This is just going round in circles.

You made her choose with your actions.

She has tried to bury the hatchet and invited you. You are refusing to go.

One day you will look back and realise you have missed out on a lifetime with her because you didn't get your own way.

You are the one that will miss out as a a result of your actions.

Just simply accept your part in and your anger will reduce somewhat.

Personally Refuse I'd ask for this thread to be deleted, basically you're just going to be kicked and kicked and kicked. You've asked your question, had hundreds of answers and you've made your decision. For what it's worth, I see where you're coming from but still argue the point that they love each other and it's legal. No winners here from your perspective though, you lose them, they lose you - very sad. Time to move on.
I'm pretty sure however a lot of the posters on here would raise their eyebrows in 15 or so years time if their little girls or boys upped and married the little boys or girls of their brother or sister (they just won't admit it).

I'm pretty sure however a lot of the posters on here would raise their eyebrows in 15 or so years time if their little girls or boys upped and married the little boys or girls of their brother or sister (they just won't admit it).

Actually most have admitted they would find it hard. Including me. However I wouldn't allow it to finish my relationship, with someone I love, off.

That's the difference and that's my point. It's doesn't have to be all or nothing. That's the Ops choice. She is upset she has lost a friend. However it's because of her own actions.

I wouldn't be happy if it was dd. But I wouldn't lose her over it.

I'll never abandon her and if she should ever need me I will be there

But you have abandoned her. You've made it clear that you disapprove so strongly of her choice of husband that you cannot tolerate it and cannot come to her wedding, and that your regard your own family as traitors for planning to attend. Do you seriously think she is going to turn to you if she needs you? Imagine if, for instance, her husband becomes seriously ill. Is she going to turn to someone she thinks will be secretly relieved and hoping he doesn't recover? Or if the marriage goes wrong: she's never going to turn to someone she anticipates will say "I told you so!"

What I have difficulty with is your belief that you cannot turn up at the wedding of someone who was, if anything, closer to you than a sister because you don't approve of the man she is marrying. If a very close friend of mine were marrying, say, someone I hated I would still regard it as important to be at her wedding just to demonstrate to her that I was there for her. You are essentially saying to her that unless she does what you want you aren't going to be there for her. Believe me, that message will sink home with her. She'll be fine, she'll be with the man she loves: it is you who will lose out.

Refuse, I just want to add one thing to my post.

At the moment, the ball is in your court because you are invited. They are extending an olive branch. Things are on your terms - you decide come/not come.

I am just a bit worried for you in the case that you don't attend their wedding. They could then decide to cut you off entirely and anything further (family related stuff like their dc christening/birthdays etc) could completely exclude you. You might no longer have the choice whether to go or not go.

I really can only see the negatives of you not going but I do understand your feelings bout them marrying. I would find it hard if my dc married my brothers dc. But I'd go to their wedding.

Janeymoo50 How do I get the thread deleted? Thank you, I've certainly received a kicking but there we go. I've most certainly outed the two of us by now.

Thank you too Cheby. Tbh I hadn't even considered any potential offspring so that jumped out at me on this thread. To me it was about my cousin and cousin.

MildVirago I have never made her choose and neither would I ever do so. I'm not "boycotting" a wedding. As said upthread 'it's an invite, not a summons.'

Enjolrass I hope such a day never comes. I've lost a best friend and two cousins. Not by my own making.

Haven't rtft but I think you should make your excuses and not go. If two of my first cousins got married, I wouldn't go. Imo it's a bit ick, but it's legal so they can if they want. Just like you can tell your family, no thank you I'm busy that night.

GruntledOne I would never even consider for a moment taking glee in the idea that my cousin (he) was ill and using that to get one over my cousin. And it's very different to someone marrying someone you hate. In that instance I'd suck it up. Her life her choice. But this is our cousin! Not some random man.

wickedlazy My feelings exactly. The thread has taken on a life of it's own now but you sum up my thoughts and plans as I intend to execute them.

The majority of the children in the service were born into families where consanguineous relationships were commonplace.
I firmly believe that first cousin marriages should be illegal.

In a society where relatives getting married is common place, the end result is different from a rare event.
Even if it was forbidden for 1st cousins, having frequent second cousins would give very similar results.

I think you've been really quite measured on this thread and have taken the kicking you've been given with dignity. To me it seems clear that you are very upset about this and I can see why some posters think YABU. In your position I think I would try to suck in my disapproval and attend for my cousin's sake. I also think that your talk of your cousin ending your friendship is a bit melodramatic but I get the sense that it comes from a place of sadness rather than jealousy or wanting to control your cousin's life. Your cousin has made a choice that has made you incredibly uncomfortable, she hasn't done anything "wrong" but it has seemingly changed your relationship irreversibly. I would certainly feel very uncomfortable with any of my first cousins marrying each other... I don't think that makes me a horrible person. Let's face it the only reason why your cousins marrying is not really a problem is because most people in this country don't consider their cousins to be potential sexual partners. If we were all comfortable with the idea and people were habitually marrying their cousins then it could be a big problem.

I've lost a best friend and two cousins. Not by my own making

Completely by your own making. You'll have a very lonely life if you drop people who don't do exactly what you want. As for calling the rest of your family "Traitors", I can just imagine what will happen at your cousins first baby's christening...

And it isn't at all similar to what inter-racial couples or gay couples faced. This is family deciding to marry family. Very different imho.
It's perfectly legal but all you can say is it's a bit icky. That sounds very similar to the grief that different race couples used to get.

Nothing to do with me despite the fact we've been close since forever.
It doesn't matter how close you are. Her choice of life partner would never be nor should be, anything to do with you.

It's possible to dislike something without hoiking up judgy pants.
You have judged it to be wrong - that makes you judgemental

I care a lot more about this because she is my best friend
Then I cannot believe that you would be so bone-headed to throw it all away and refuse to attend her wedding to the man she loves.

You were her best friend and favourite cousin - now you are neither. I think that is the problem.

OP, you seem so absolutely adamant that YANBU that I don't really see the point of the thread.

OP, I didn't suggest you would be pleased if your cousin's husband got ill: but the point is that, if he did, she wouldn't turn to you for help because there would always be that sneaking suspicion that, underneath it all, you were quite glad to be vindicated.

And I don't understand why you would suck it up if she married someone you hated but not when she's marrying your cousin. Surely if you hate someone it will normally be for a reason, e.g. because they're a bigot or utterly selfish or a potential abuser? Why would you find it easier to attend the wedding in those circumstances?

Ok got to page 5 and I have to say Refuse calm the fudge down. I don't think you realize how horrible you are coming across but you sound not very nice and if I were your cousin I would be, quite frankly, relieved you won't come to my wedding.

Seems to me you want us all to agree with you and slag off your family with you. Not going to happen. You don't have to approve, just don't go. No one will force you to marry your cousin or force you to be in their lives.

Grow up and as my nanny would say 'if you cannae say anything nice say nothing at all'

FuzzyWizard Thank you. Despite the various kickings there are quite a few posters that have given very measured responses. AIBU is often seen as a hotbed of angst and the like but in the main it has helped me to get a plethora of views.

MamaLazarou I haven't been adamant that IANBU, not at all, in fact I've welcomed those views. Even if I don't agree with them it doesn't mean I've been a saint, not here nor in this situation.

GruntledOne I see where you're coming from and hatred was too strong a term to use. I just meant someone I may not see eye-to-eye with. If he was abusive, dangerous etc that would of course be different but I just meant someone who I didn't particularly like. The only issue here is our family bond.