To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

[Refuse]

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

So, you just wanted validation from this thread? Not to actually ask for opinions on whether you were being unreasonable or not...

I'm not convinced that you understand what "judgemental" means if you think you aren't judgemental.

Lweji A bit of both tbh. I am the only one who has voiced a strong opinion yet everyone else, by that I mean by immediate family, feel similarish but haven't been so vocal. In private my sister will say how "gross" she thinks it is but in public it's all smiles and well wishes. I haven't abandoned her. If she called me this minute I'd answer. But I just won't go to the wedding. Case closed really. I don't think we'll ever be the same again and I miss our relationship. I miss her. It just seems that yes, it's her life and her choice - i.e. nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me despite the fact we've been close since forever.

Pico2 I'm not at all judgemental. It's possible to dislike something without hoiking up judgy pants. Some of the language I used e.g. "ruining her life" "it's a mistake... I just know" does paint me in a bad light but I'm not that way at all. I just feel strongly about it and wanted to express those feelings.

It's you who's losing out; they won't, they'll have each other.

You'll lose two cousins, as they sail off in the sunset together.

"It just seems that yes, it's her life and her choice - i.e. nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me despite the fact we've been close since forever."

You seriously believed that you were THAT much more important to your female cousin that she would say "no no, you're right, what was I thinking, I could never upset YOU like this, I'll tell Malecousin immediately that I must call if off because YOU will be so upset"

Get a hold of yourself!

It just seems that yes, it's her life and her choice - i.e. nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me despite the fact we've been close since forever.

That last bit betrays your feeling that she should have ended her relationship to please you.

This is rather, erm, odd. Odder than marrying a cousin, I'd say.

xpost, Thumb.

It's obviously your choice to defend your principles and refuse to go to the wedding. But what you have to acknowledge is that YOU have effectively ended your relationship with your cousin. She hasn't. You have. You are the one that made the choice. You decided that your "ick" feeling that it is wrong trumps all those years of friendship and love for her. Did you really expect them both to ignore their feelings because of yours? That's ridiculous! I feel a bit sorry for you actually.

OP, do you generally go about pronouncing on the relationship choices of your family like a particularly pompous High Court judge about to pass sentence?

'Being complicit' by attending the wedding of someone you love, my ass. You've got some weird bee in your bonnet about your cousins' sex lives, and seem to feel they should have seen the light when you shared your views on their relationship - views which, as far as I can see, amount to 'ick' with a side order of 'ewww' - and are now thoroughly insulted they are cheeky enough to get married despite their cousin saying they shouldn't. Are you always this over-involved? Are you the person in the family everyone has to run their sex lives past for approval?

Although what's disturbing about this thread is not so much the OP - you imagine her sitting her unfortunate female cousin down repeatedly for Serious Cups of Tea in which the error of her ways is pointed out more and more shrilly - but that so many people share her unthinking prejudice in a way that is disturbingly reminiscent of anti-gay 'ewww - that's so wrong' sentiments from the fairly recent past.

I think what is going on on this thread is that the anti-cousin marriage people are in fact delighted that there is fodder for their prejudices in the fact that there is an increased chance of children with a disability from a cousin marriage. It gives a moral air to their kneejerk 'eww - disgusting!' point of view.

OP, just for curiosity, supposing there was absolutely no chance of offspring from this marriage - supposing they do not plan to have children, or know they have fertility problems which mean conception is impossible - would you get over your prejudice? Or how would you feel if it was a same-sex cousin marriage?

I'm beginning to think there's less 'principle' at stake here and more 'jealousy' - seems the OP is more pissed off that her female cousin chose the male cousin over herself (not in a sexual way, just a "close relationship" way).

Are you sure that's not what is really at the bottom of this, OP?

This happened very, very often a relatively short time ago in our culture.

If you are not sharing the home with a family member, you are not 'family' in the sense that you're not protected emotionally from finding them sexually attractive. This is not the same as getting together with a brother or a parent.

I wonder if you need to believe that this is incestuous because you were so invested in being very close to your cousin? You say that you grew up together but she's not your sister. You and she aren't immediate family.

Many, many of us are related to each other in some form of kinship. I come from a small town where I went to school with a 'cousin' but never spoke to her. When I moved back to this area, my landlord was a family member but we'd never met before. My friend drove her car into the local solicitor's office by accident one winter morning. My dad went to sort it out because he was apparently related to the solicitor. My brother went to cubs with a scout leader he was related to and had never met before. I played in an orchestra with a cousin I didn't recognise and only found out the connection at a concert. I was watching a documentary one evening last week and a family member casually turned when someone was mentioned and said 'that's your great aunt xxx you know. I didn't know.

If you started divided everyone up into 'family' and 'not family' in this area it would be bedlam - and utterly ridiculous. You seem to feel that first cousins are 'different' but that's only your experience. And who are you to decide where the line should be drawn, really?

In my opinion, this issue is about the dynamics of the family relationship growing up. If you weren't brought up to see a person of the opposite sex as a member of your immediate family, then you won't see them in that light. Simple. Saying 'there are billions of people they could have chosen' is absurd, as anyone who has found The One could surely tell you.

Garlick I don't understand what you mean wrt to odder than marrying a cousin?

ThumbWitchesAbroad I know that I am actually not at all important in this equation in the slightest. I am not jealous of her.

MildVirago I don't police my family's relationships. I just don't want my first cousin to marry my other first cousin.

stoppingbywoods Thanks, a very reasoned response and I'm inclined to admit that I care a lot more about this because she is my best friend. I can't recall a good memory from childhood/teenage hood/early adulthood that doesn't include her in some way. We are completely the same. We were born a matter of weeks apart.

seems the OP is more pissed off that her female cousin chose the male cousin over herself (not in a sexual way, just a "close relationship" way

I said this way upthread. I still think it. OP would be just as gutted if it was a non cousin she was marrying. The cousin thing is just a convenient reason to bluster publicly about it. OP is upset because she knows that er cousin geting married means their relationship will change and that her cousin has someone else she considers a best friend she can confide in. OP is jealous. And she would be with any man her cousin was marrying.

"i just don't want my first cousin to marry my other first cousin."

Why? Because you think it's icky? What difference will it actually make to your life when your cousins are married?

I bet with an attitude like yours, they will breathe a sigh of relief when you decline the invitation.

Would it not be better to cast you so called "prinicples" aside and go to your BEST FRIEND'S wedding and wish her every happiness, and be happy for her.

The only person that will lose is you in the end, when you lose your best friend and cousin.

"It just seems that yes, it's her life and her choice - i.e. nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me despite the fact we've been close since forever.

That last bit betrays your feeling that she should have ended her relationship to please you.

This is rather, erm, odd. Odder than marrying a cousin, I'd say."

"Garlick I don't understand what you mean wrt to odder than marrying a cousin?"

OP, it's odder because of your jealousy. Your jealousy is w-a-y overboard. First cousins have been marrying forever. It's nothing new. If you really do love your cousin, then maybe wish her well...?

It just seems that yes, it's her life and her choice - i.e. nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me despite the fact we've been close since forever.

The last bit of this paragraph is very telling.

Op her feelings for her husband to be have nothing to do with her feelings for you. You have twisted this into a situation where your cousin is faced with choosing you or her stbdh.

She has tried to include you by inviting you and tries to make it so she doesn't have to pick between you and you have rejected it again.

That's fine, your choice. But you need to own that decision and see you are the one that has broken the friendship . Not her. Stop being angry at her and him. This lies with youZ

It is a judgement - however you want to dress it up, even if it comes from a visceral place in you.

Why all this rhetoric about me being jealous? Jealous of what exactly? She's had many boyfriends come and go, I wasn't jealous then SurlyCue In fact we confided, laughed and supported each other through our various boyfriends etc. I even said in my OP that there are millions if not billions of suitable partners for her so how do you reach the conclusion that it could be any man or any person but I'd still be jealous? She means the world to me. I only want her to be happy.

Enjolrass I'm angry, but I'm more sad. I haven't asked her to choose. That would be clearly unreasonable but FWIW this is the woman who I made dens with using our parents' bed sheets, stayed up all night talking about everything and nothing, we'd lie to get each other out of trouble with our parents. Up until a few years ago we lived in each others pockets. We could make each other laugh with just one look. As adults we got each other out of sticky situations, she was the last person I spoke to at night and the first person I spoke to in the morning. We went to the same uni, did the same course. At the risk of outing us, our family even have nick names for the two of us. We are incredibly close (or at least used to be). I'd be happy for her to fall in love with a good man but not her/our cousin. That just doesn't make sense.

She's picked him over you.

Get over it.

Why all this rhetoric about me being jealous?

Because it oozes from your posts.

She's had many boyfriends come and go, I wasn't jealous then SurlyCue

because none of them married her and took her from you. You were still her best friend. She now has a new best friend. One she wants to live with.

She means the world to me. I only want her to be happy.

well we all know that isnt true, otherwise you would be supporting her marriage to the man she loves. You only want her happiness to conform to your ideas on what that happiness should be. It is very obvious you shared an extremely close relationship and i'm going to hazard a guess that you are used to her going along with what youve always wanted to do. Even if you arent aware of it. Many friendships take on that dynamic. Now she is making her own decisions, that dont involve you and youre like a fish out of water. You've lost your right arm.

Enjolrass I'm angry

who on earth at and why?

It doesn't matter how close you were in the past - you have no right to expect people to take your feelings into account when it comes to choosing a partner!

I don't expect you'll ruin it for them by not going. They probably only invited you out of duty, since you sound absolutely horrible.

Yes you are angry and yes you have made her choose.

As soon as she decided to go ahead with this relationship, it ended the relationship with you...because you won't accept her decision

And you think the past you share should mean more to her then her future. Which is very very wrong, imo.