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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/11/2015 05:49

I expect your cousin will miss you a bit, but it's good that you're not going.

With your insufferable arrogance on insisting that YOU are right and she and your other cousin, and all the rest of the family, and the law of the country etc. etc. are all WRONG, I doubt you'll be missed by many on the day. Lemonsucky faces look so depressing in wedding photos, after all.

What truly concerns me though is this: suppose that your cousins are unlucky enough to have a child with a "condition" - are you going to be all up in your self-righteousness and tell them it "serves them right for marrying each other"? I can imagine you would, if not directly to their faces, but to the rest of the family. At a time when your once-beloved cousin might need as much help and support as she can get, YOU will be sitting there with your judgement face on saying "serves you right, I TOLD you". I hope though, that by then, they will have cut all ties with you as there's really no point talking to you again.

NadiaWadia · 06/11/2015 05:50

These are two adults who love each other, and are not hurting anyone else. Presumably they have thought about potential problems, and if there are any health problems in the family will get genetic counselling before having children. Your attitude is incredibly judgemental. It is not all about you, you know! But I agree you shouldn't attend the wedding, as you would probably ruin it.

It's strange, I never realised how strong a taboo some people seem to have about this. I am sure in the fairly recent past it was far more common. Charles Darwin married his cousin, and actually the Queen and Prince Philip are third cousins (although that's pretty distant I suppose).

I find it interesting that some of the attitudes on here like 'it's just ick' 'doesn't matter what the law says, it's just obviously WRONG!' are the sort of things people would commonly say about gay relationships about 40 years ago. Just an observation.

It is tricky though, as I do understand about the problems caused by repeated cousin marriage in some communities (some people with Pakistani heritage, I understand, also European royalty etc). But this is a one off relationship, isn't it?

RhodaBull · 06/11/2015 07:51

I must admit I find the ultra-liberal views on this thread quite disturbing. If you can marry a cousin, then you can repeatedly marry cousins. There is no law that says "one time cousin only". It is a fact that the risk of genetic problems increases in communities where inter-marriage is common, be that in certain ethnic groups or in isolated areas or amongst people with strident religious views.

As others have tried to say, just because "two people are in love" doesn't make it right - and especially not right for the children of that marriage. What if siblings are "in love"? Is that acceptable? Why not? Laws change all the time. If the law can change on homosexuality, why not on incest, or age of consent?

Lweji · 06/11/2015 07:58
Grin The ultra-liberal views that correspond to what is legal in the vast majority of countries, not least of all Europe!
Lweji · 06/11/2015 08:02

Siblings share 50% of their DNA, possibly more.
Cousins share 12,5. A bit different. And we have to draw the line somewhere.

McColonel · 06/11/2015 08:14

Exactly Rhoda.

Seems like 95% mumsnetters are up for a getting it on with their close blood relatives. Oh well, leave them to it then, not hurting anyone else afterall is it? Good for them and their liberal open minds.

Narp · 06/11/2015 08:15

Blimey

Narp · 06/11/2015 08:15

PS.

Your statistical analysis is a bit rubbish.

Enjolrass · 06/11/2015 08:31

Yes of course 95% of us want to sleep with our cousins

Shutthatdoor · 06/11/2015 08:33

Seems like 95% mumsnetters are up for a getting it on with their close blood relatives. Oh well, leave them to it then, not hurting anyone else afterall is it? Good for them and their liberal open minds.

Ridiculous statement.

Chippednailvarnish · 06/11/2015 08:33

I have 48 first cousins, I know I don't want to sleep with them because I've only met 28 of them.

Your stats are crap.

bbcessex · 06/11/2015 08:38

I find the principle okay when it's two theoretical adults.

If my teenage daughter were to start a relationships with my brother's son, however, I think it would strike a different cord.

JasperDamerel · 06/11/2015 08:43

You aren't being unreasonable not going to their wedding, if you feel so strongly about it. I am sure they will be much happier without you there. You are, however, being very unpleasant.

My grandparents were first cousins. My dad and uncle are active, healthy, successful and in their sixties and seventies respectively. My only genetic illness actually comes from my mum's side of the family.

Enjolrass · 06/11/2015 08:43

If my teenage daughter were to start a relationships with my brother's son, however, I think it would strike a different cord.

I agree. I however wouldn't cut them out of my life.

Lweji · 06/11/2015 09:23

If my teenage daughter were to start a relationships with my brother's son, however, I think it would strike a different cord.

Presumably they are close, which makes it unlikely to happen.

Kewcumber · 06/11/2015 09:28

Seems like 95% mumsnetters are up for a getting it on with their close blood relatives

Seems like 95% of mumsnetters are up for letting people get on with marrying whomever they are legally entitled even if they personally wouldn't do it or don't like the idea of it

It's called tolerance.

The increased health risks are no more than giving birth over 45 or a million and quite a bit less than smoking.

If my DS married one of my nieces (or nephews) I would be profoundly disturbed (despite the fact that he was adopted so no increased health risks) because they have grown up together. But would I cut him out of my life over it?

No - he is more important to me than that particular principle. It's not a life or death principle that's worth losing some I love over.

That's what you're saying OP - "My opinion is more important to me than you are. I would rather not have you in my life than accept you defying my views".

Kewcumber · 06/11/2015 09:28

or a million other things we choose to do

Lweji · 06/11/2015 09:50

Personally, I find it amusing when people throw liberal as an insult. Even better when it's ultra-liberal.

Bubbletree4 · 06/11/2015 09:55

Refuse

I can understand your "ick" response.

But I think that the mistake you are making is to be looking backwards instead of forwards. This has happened. It's been going on for years. They love eachother and they are getting married. Nothing can be done about any of this stuff, it's too late, it isn't changing. Whatever you say to them, whether you attend the wedding or not, it absolutely is happening.

You seem to think that by seeing them/attending the wedding that you are being complicit in some way. But it's all irrelevant because it's happening anyway with or without you. You are not complicit. You advised her against it. You can do no more than that. Even if you were her mum, you could not nothing. Your objections have been clear for years and at the end of the day, you are not God.

In your position, looking forwards, I would try and adjust your mindset. You either alienate a bunch of people you love or you accept that they have made a choice that you do not agree with and may have genetic consequences. Statistically any child is more likely to be fine than not fine. There are kids waking about fine who were the product of a man raping his own daughter. There are also tonnes of sick people whose illness don't have a "reason". All you can do is cross your fingers for them that they and any kid(s) will be not suffer due to these circumstances.

IMO you should send them a card saying. Congratulating them on their wedding, send them a present and say you'll attend. Apologise for the fact that you've struggled to deal with things and say you love them. They are doing it anyway after all. Do you not want to know their kids? In any case you won't get the closeness back. But they will still be your family.

OddlyLogical · 06/11/2015 12:31

It just feels weird and indeed wrong. Just because something is legal doesn't make it acceptable.
Just because you find it weird, it doesn't make it unacceptable, it makes it your prejudice.

I really did think they'd break up and move on
I just know this is a mistake.
You're really not a very nice person are you! Who the hell do you think you are?
It sounds like they are very much in love. I am pleased that the rest of their family are happy to share their wedding day. They don't need you there.

Deaf children with related parents = both parents have the mutation and knew they were taking a risk by breeding.
What if 2 unrelated people, who both know that they carry a recessive gene, decide to have children - Is that wrong?
What if 2 unrelated people, who were both affected by the same gene, decide to have children - knowing their child will have the same disability - Is that also wrong?
Should we be breeding disability out of society?

OP, yes it really is all your fault. It's your problem, not theirs. If you lose out, it was entirely your choice to do so.

kali110 · 06/11/2015 12:43

Or 95% of mumsnetters are not ignorant and want to teach our kids tolerance and not to abandon our loved ones?
You just carry on and read the posts your way though

Original poster
Refuse · 06/11/2015 13:19

ThumbWitchesAbroad

This is quite a mean post:

What truly concerns me though is this: suppose that your cousins are unlucky enough to have a child with a "condition" - are you going to be all up in your self-righteousness and tell them it "serves them right for marrying each other"? I can imagine you would, if not directly to their faces, but to the rest of the family.

There is no way I'd ever even countenance mocking any future offspring they may have if they should have a health condition. That's beyond the pale imo.

Bubbletree4 Thanks so much for your reasoned post. You are right in that I do feel as though I'd be complicit if I were to go along to the wedding or send them a card/gift. It hurts that our friendship will never be as it was. It does feel as though I'm losing someone. I'll never abandon her and if she should ever need me I will be there but I just can't get my head around this relationship.

I am not arrogant or judgemental. OddlyLogical It's not a prejudice. And it isn't at all similar to what inter-racial couples or gay couples faced. This is family deciding to marry family. Very different imho.

I do feel sad and I do miss her but I can't accept their relationship. Yes it may very well be my fault and the consensus on the thread is that IABU, that's fine. I didn't expect it but I guess it doesn't matter anymore now that everything is underway.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/11/2015 13:36

It's not mean at all. It was designed to provoke you to think about what you'd do. I'm pleased to hear that you won't be carrying your judgemental prejudice over to the next generation, at least. Although I doubt you'd get the choice, as you're unlikely to be having anything to do with these cousins any more.

Lweji · 06/11/2015 13:45

I'll never abandon her

Erm... you have...

MamaLazarou · 06/11/2015 13:51

YANBU to not attend a wedding you don't want to go to, indeed, it's probably best that you don't go if you are not able to wish them well.

My sister is marrying my cousin next year and is pregnant with his baby. It doesn't bother me in the slightest: I wouldn't want to have sex with my cousin but I don't see what that has to do with their relationship.