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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
Shakshuka · 05/11/2015 19:09

It's very accepted in other cultures (not just Pakistani). It's obviously strange in Western culture and I can see how it would feel weird but it's certainly not immoral.

In Israel they now offer pre-marital genetic counselling to Bedouin Arab couples, especially cousins, planning on marrying as they can identify if both are carriers of a whole bunch of genetic diseases.

www.nytimes.com/2006/03/21/science/21bedo.html?n=Top%2FNews%2FWorld%2FCountries%20and%20Territories%2FIsrael&_r=0

Magiciansgirl81 · 05/11/2015 19:15

So your cousin is going to lose you. A person who is going to put her own feelings and views before a friendship and love that has lasted for many years until now.

BUT she's going into a marriage with with a person that is going to put other people's views (He got to be quite aware of what some family members and friends thoughts may be on cousins marrying) after his love for her.

It's a no brainer isn't it?

MrEBear · 05/11/2015 19:33

Who cares is 2 cousins want to marry? They must know each other inside out so have a fantastic chance of their marriage being successful. In small communities people married cousins for years.

Yes their is a slightly higher risk their children could have a genetic issue ie inherit 2 dodgy genes
and if their are any known genetic issues in the family they'd be advised to get checked before kids.

Down you op going to the wedding, if you couldn't congratulate them and wish them well or accept their children as your kids 2nd cousin don't go.

Pico2 · 05/11/2015 19:44

Definitely all your fault.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 05/11/2015 19:52

Op you seem quite stubborn. It's a trait that often causes self inflicted unhappiness.

onecurrantbun1 · 05/11/2015 20:04

My folks are first cousins although my mum is adopted, so not a blood relationship. I think it's lovely that they have a shared history, although they only saw each other every few years as my dad's family moved around a lot (RAF) On the eve of mum's first wedding (to a different man) a very wise great auntie told her she was marrying the wrong man: "You should be marrying X (my dad)" She was horrified and furious, of course - it is BVU to say that to someone just before there wedding, but, 27 years of marriage to my dad later and I guess it turns out she was right!

My brothers and I are second cousins, yes, but how much does that impact on our day to day lives?! Not a jot. We only had 3 sets of great grandparents - like most people, they all died by the time we were 10 ish so again, absolutely no impact on our lives.

You are allowed an opinion on this, of course, but I would urge you to be a littlle more open minded. If you still feel the same way please don't go to the wedding, no one wants someone there who is so against their marriage.

Leelu6 · 05/11/2015 21:06

OP, they are better off without you and they will see that.

You're the worst kind of intolerant, judgemental person.

You have insulted millions upon millions of people with your posts. Just because first cousin marriages are not your reality does not mean they are wrong.

YABVVU

Ineedtimeoff · 05/11/2015 21:14

I would find it difficult if 2 of my cousins were to marry. I can understand why you find it difficult to accept OP. Sounds like you just can't come to terms with it, and that's ok. I think you just have to accept that you will lose the connection with them.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/11/2015 21:18

YANBU to not want to do something that makes you feel uneasy. You feel what you feel. But if they don't give a shiny shit about swimming in their own gene pool. Why do you.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/11/2015 21:38

Maidofstars My great grandparents were first cousins, as were at least one of their parents, their grandparents and going back for I think 4 or 5 generations. Out of interest do you think you would be able to tell from looking at my DNA? I don't have 12 fingers Grin or any genetic diseases. I am very good at maths. Does that count as a freakish thing? Grin

Op - the thing that confuses me about this is the fact that you are unable to articulate exactly what your problem is with the marriage. You find it "Ick" and "know" it is a mistake seems to be the best you can do.

You are in danger of losing your best friend from this - not to mention your entire family. (If you split the family through this then they will carry the majority by virtue of marrying each other!) You need to be very sure of why you are doing it. Of what your principle is.

Is it the genetic risk? Do you even know if they want kids? And can have them? From Maid it sounds like the risk of genetic abnormalities are 4%. To put that into context I have done a quick Google and it looks like there is a 5% chance of Down's syndrome if the mother is age 45 or older. Would you have a problem if your cousin was 44 and confided in you that she and her H2be were going to try for a baby? Enough to cut her off?

So if it is not the genetic risk is it the family link? But you have barely mentioned your (male) cousin. He doesn't seem an important figure in your life at all. Like you hardly know him? So he isn't really family in the way your cousin is?

To give an example - due to some kind of family rift my Dh has cousins he has never met. He doesn't even know their names. (Or even how many there are!) Would him meeting them randomly one day and starting a relationship with them without realising who they are seem wrong to you?

Your cousin is choosing to sacrifice her friendship with you for the love of her life. Whatever any of us think of that relationship, that is a sensible choice. You are choosing to sacrifice your relationship with her for some form of principle or make some kind of point. That doesn't seem a sensible choice to me. What do you actually get out of it?

McColonel · 06/11/2015 00:24

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/11/2015 00:37

Absolutely Colnel. In some countries beastiality sex with animals and necrophilia sex with dead bodies. Now no one would convince me that I'd right, legal or not

Jux · 06/11/2015 00:38

McColonel, what is your problem with cousins marrying? Is it the genetic risk for their children, or is it just something you wouldn't do?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 06/11/2015 00:40

Colonel bit angry there...

kali110 · 06/11/2015 00:41

Well that is how we govern the country, with laws to judge what is right or wrong Hmm

Not far off marrying a sibling?50 year old marrying an 8 year old?
Are you actually putting those in the same brackets?
I'd say what the hell is wrong with you.
again, siblings marrying or doing anything=incest.
Cousins, nothing.
Some people don't even grow up or know their cousins.
It's ok to state you don't agree or like the idea that is your right, but to lump it together with those examples is disgusting.
Shame on you.

McColonel · 06/11/2015 00:45

Jux, it's just my instinct that it's wrong. Im amazed so many people need an explanation as to why it may be wrong. The genetic issues (or not) with children is a side issue. Regardless of whether or not you were going to have a child, would you have sex with your sibling or parent? Hopefully the answer is no, without having to articulate an actual reason why not. "It's just obviously fucking wrong" is as good a reason as any in my opinion.

Shutthatdoor · 06/11/2015 00:48

Regardless of whether or not you were going to have a child, would you have sex with your sibling or parent?

No as that is wrong and incest amd against the law which marrying a cousin isn't.

McColonel · 06/11/2015 00:52

What has whether or not you've grown up knowing them got to do with anything? If you grew up not knowing your sibling would that make it ok to marry them, when you eventually met them?

Your parents being siblings is pretty close to you being siblings. If people want to do it it's up to them, I'm just astounded so many people are so keen on the idea.

I disagree that legality and morality always go hand in hand. In most cases, yes, but in no way all cases.

McColonel · 06/11/2015 00:54

"No as that is wrong and incest amd against the law which marrying a cousin isn't."

So in the olden days, before that law was passed, you'd have happily shagged your sibling would you? Not against the law, so no problem with it by your logic.

kali110 · 06/11/2015 01:01

A lot of things were different in the past, but this isn't nor has ever been like having a relationship with your sibling and definitely not parent!
Not everybody is keen on the idea as in are about to do it, but are saying it isn't wrong.
No we don't your explanation on why you think It is wrong.

Shutthatdoor · 06/11/2015 01:02

You may not agree with it, but saying it is the same as siblings is factually wrong as it isn't

Nottodaythankyouorever · 06/11/2015 01:03

Your parents being siblings is pretty close to you being siblings.

That doesn't even make sense

McColonel · 06/11/2015 01:04

"this isn't nor has ever been like having a relationship with your sibling and definitely not parent!"

It's not far off it though is it? Thinking about my child marrying my brother's child is pretty grim to say the least.

McColonel · 06/11/2015 01:08

Well, i see from this thread that the general consensus on mumsnet is that it's fine to marry a close blood relative, as it's not determined by the state to be illegal.

All i can say is thank fuck mumsnet is not representative of the real world!

ChilliAndBint · 06/11/2015 01:08

I've not read the entire thread but I have very strong view about first cousin marriages.

My friend had an arranged "marriage" at 14 in Pakistan. All of her 5 children have rare syndromes; all very different health issues.

She tells me the doctors have said it is because she is married to her cousin; alas she is in denial as it is the norm for her family.

I see it so often in my community.

I briefly worked in a special school. The largest percentage of children had parents that were related. It wasn't deemed " politically correct" to discuss this issues during working hours, but in private everyone was in agreement that cousin marriage should be outlawed.

I think most of Europe don't allow this , but being British we can't be seen to question the morality of other peoples cultures.