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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/11/2015 17:42

Thanks maid, that makes sense. I had read your post as implying that this community with a high incidence of cousins marrying each other provided much of the total data on cousins marrying. I hadn't realised that the general population included enough married couples who were both cousins, and from geographically distinct areas (such that there's little chance they were multiply related otherwise) to be significant. What are the relative numbers, btw?

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/11/2015 17:43

I said in my first post op that I think first cousin marriages are odd. I still do.

I think it is fair enough that you don't attend the wedding and probably fairer to your cousins too.

But do you not think you could your feelings about their marriage aside, and continue your friendship with your female cousin?

This isn't exactly the same but -

My closest friend is in a relationship with a man I cannot stand, he's a controlling arsehole and wish she would end it, hope they split up, dread the day she announced he has proposed. I haven't ended my friendship with her over it. I do avoid socialising with him at all costs. So we do socialise in person less but...we're still friends, separately from my opinions on her relationship.

Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 17:46

I just can't accept that you can marry your first cousin.

Therefore you are cutting her out

CainInThePunting · 05/11/2015 17:49

With respect for your feelings about the relationship between two cousins at this time do you think that maybe in say 20 years time when they have a loving and close family with healthy, happy kids you might have mellowed and be able to accept them for who the are and who they have fallen in love with?

If that is the case then you might consider putting aside your personal feelings and helping them to celebrate their love.

If not, are you prepared for the rift in the family this may cause? You may find you stop getting invites to many gatherings that they will be at, if you refuse this one.

Lweji · 05/11/2015 17:49

The thing is that there will be far more cousin-marriages where children are healthy than ones where they are not. That doesn't change the fact that the risks are higher.

If the issue is of genetics (which is't for the OP), then I'd worry mostly if there were known genetic diseases in the family. Certainly, I'd not advise first cousins in families with cystic fibrosis, for example, to marry
Or, if people are so worried about that, then run genetic tests before they consider having children with someone.

Conversely, the "risk" of getting "good" alleles together is also greater.

It just means that their kids are more likely to have homozygous genes than in random couples.

Jux · 05/11/2015 17:54

I would hope that they had had genetic testing before they decide to have children, before they decide to marry in fact. That is something I would feel able to nag about!

Are they aware of the risks, and have they had tests?

I would spend my energy there, op, rather than just going on about how I didn't like it.

It still wouldn't be your business if they had the tests or not.

As it is, you're just displaying the same attitude as people used to to same sex partnerships, or mixed race marriages. You need to change your attitude or you'll have lost her forever, and, yes, it will be all your own fault.

ShortcutButton · 05/11/2015 17:55

I don't think OP gets to choose to mellow over time here; nor maintain a separate friendship with the female cousin

OP is not being a friend. She is being a judgemental arsehole. There will be no building bridges, if she can't get her head out of her arze pronto

mateysmum · 05/11/2015 17:56

Ok, so first cousin marriages are not ideal genetically speaking, and it is OK to find it a little bit odd, but frankly OP, your reaction is way odder and just so OTT as to be almost irrational.

These are 2 adult people who were not close as children, who presumably understand the risks for their children and have made a mature decision. But you are making this all about you, your feelings. To say she is ruining her life that it is disgusting and that you cannot accept it, to the point where you have effectively cut your closest friend out of your life - that is way over reacting.

So you advised here against the relationship and she ignored you. Big deal. She chose the man she loved over you.

If you cannot go to the wedding and smile, then don't go, but you risk causing a chasm in the family, with you on the wrong side of it and hurt that will echo on for years. Think very carefully about the wider consequences of your actions. Whatever you do, you are not going to prevent the wedding, but you may prevent a future relationship with both cousins and potentially other members of your family too.

Lweji · 05/11/2015 17:56

It feels like the OP is mad that her beloved cousin didn't do as she was told.
And angry at relatives because they are not following her lead.

Oh, well...

goodnightdarthvader1 · 05/11/2015 18:04

Yes, OP actually sounds very controlling.

And "I don't like it" is not a valid reason for disapproving of something. You generally need logical reasons.

Lweji · 05/11/2015 18:04

Interestingly, it seems that humans have some drive to couple with people who are somewhat genetically close to them, but not too close. In practice, incest seems to be mostly prevented by blocks put in place by being raised together, which is why it's not acceptable between siblings and children (as adults) don't want to have sex with their parents.

IIRC, somewhat similar happens when non related children grow up together in the first few years. They marry a lot less than those who have grown apart.

This does explain why the OP's cousin was attracted to someone she saw rarely.

Conversely, there are cases of parents and offspring and siblings raised apart who end up falling in love when they meet up as adults. In some cases they do enter relationships and are highly conflicted about.
There was one such case (at least) in Spain where the couple ended up being allowed to marry.
Not sure how frequent it is, as, presumably, most people to which it happens will be horrified at the thought anyway.

More on this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_sexual_attraction

DinosaursRoar · 05/11/2015 18:05

OP - it would be a mistake for you to marry your first cousin.

It's not automatically a mistake for your cousin to marry your mutual other cousin.

Why do you think it's a mistake? I can see why you think it's morally wrong, but as they don't think it's wrong, and while there's a slight increase in risk to the health of DCs, that's not much more, and there's no indication you'd think it was ok if they weren't planning DCs. what's mistaken about it?

Do you fear they will split up and it'll be hurtful for the family? Do you think they aren't compatable or really in love? Do you think it won't last? Or is it a mistake because you wouldn't do it?

You don't need to go to the wedding, you also don't need to make a stand, "prior engagement" is fine - even if your cousins are pretty sure it's a fib, no one will push you on it.

You don't need to like it, you don't need to support their marriage, you do need to be civilised and keep your opinions to yourself to avoid your branch of th family being cut out of the wider family at future family events.

I would find this uncomfortable and yes, 'ick' but then I was raised with my cousins, seeing them a lot growing up. If your Bride cousin didn't know Groom cousin growing up, it makes the whole thing seem a lot less 'ick' and less like overstepping a moral line.

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 18:09

When I got back with my Ex after several years' break everyone thought it was a HUGE mistake. Hell, deep down even I knew it was. But my friends and family didnt abandon me to my fate. Despite many of them having good reason never to spit on him if he caught fire my family and friends accepted my EXp as my partner and extended invitations to him as well as me for celebrations and family events. And you know thank heavens they did show me that support because when it all went tits up those are exactly the people i went to when i needed help to end the relationship. And i knew they were there for me in the aftermath of it. I cannot imagine how i would have coped had they all walked away from me because they just knew i was making a mistake.

Who here has never made mistake? Are you really saying we should abandon any friends or family who make (what you believe to be) mistakes OP?

MrsJorahMormont · 05/11/2015 18:14

I'm finding it almost impossible to believe this because you really must be the most arrogant person alive to think you have some kind of authority to condemn your cousin's marriage. And calling your family 'traitors' for attending a family wedding? Barking!

Just let them be happy FFS. They've made their choice. Is the groom a good man? Yes? If so, if you really loved your cousin / best friend you would support her and wish her well. If he's abusive or an alcoholic or there's some major red flag, that's different. But if they are two nice, normal people who have fallen in love without any impediments, then let them bloody get on with it.

kali110 · 05/11/2015 18:14

No, it's not acceptable to you
She is throwing our your relationship, you are.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2015 18:15

Thanks Gasp. But I'm trying to figure if it's the fact that a blood relationship exists at all (even with no kids) or if it's the fact that a familial one exists. Saying 'being closely related' could mean either.

Fact is, my (adopted) cousin had a mad crush on another cousin when she was a teen and she really 'pursued' him. We all just thought it was amusing, just the same as if she'd had a crush on the boy next-door. It didn't occur to any of us to think it was 'weird' since there was no 'blood' relationship.

Lweji · 05/11/2015 18:17

My aunt (not my blood relative) had two of her siblings marry each other. They were not related, as each was her half-sibling, from a completely different set of parents to each other.
It still feels weird, but of course, it's entirely up to them.

dodobookends · 05/11/2015 18:30

I know two people who are deaf. They are siblings, and no their parents were not related in any way.

The elder of the two caught mumps as a baby, which caused deafness; and passed the mumps on to their mother which affected their unborn sibling, who was born deaf.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/11/2015 18:33

Why are foster siblings/parents included on the incest link/wikipaedia page?

Why is that wrong?

Epilepsyhelp · 05/11/2015 18:34

YABVVVVVVU. Who the hell do you think you are to sit in judgement on their relationship? Don't plague their wedding day with your self involved bullshit.

You can't help who you fall in love with.

Penfold007 · 05/11/2015 18:43

If you can't support their choice and wish them well stay away. I have cousins who married each other, they have a lovely child and have been married over 30 years.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/11/2015 18:52

Joffery

I suppose with foster parents it's the position of authority/parental responsibility?

Just speculating!

Lweji · 05/11/2015 18:55

And the legal relationship.

Also interesting the position that some gay couples in the US seem to be in, having one adopted the other to created a familial relationship, and having to back track on it so that they can now marry. (I saw it the other day on the news)

kerbs · 05/11/2015 18:57

OP, apparently you know that your cousin is ruining her life, so why can't you explain to us what you believe will happen to her?

This is a genuine question, I really want to understand your point of view.

Gottagetmoving · 05/11/2015 19:08

I can't understand what your dilemma is. Two people are getting married. They love each other, presumably, but you don't approve so stay away!
You don't have to make a drama about it or broadcast your disapproval. What you think matters not one jot really.
No one is asking you to marry a cousin so why is it any of your business?
It's not about you.