To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

[Refuse]

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

but it still doesn't make what they are doing even in the realm of acceptability.

In your personal moral code. Which in the context of other people's relationships unless it is illegal if they are consenting and happy you're personal moral code is totally irrelevant.

What one person finds personally acceptable another is free not to do so. The only time we as a society can call something out as definitely unacceptable is if it has been legislated as illegal or unlawful. Otherwise it's just down to personal preference and to stand up and say "you are wrong because I would do differently" is bigotry.

MaidOfStars I've known for sometime now that you come from this sort of career background - I mean genetics / scientific research, that sort of thing.

OliviaBenson I do want to remain friends. We've been friends pretty much since we were able to walk and talk. I just can't accept that you can marry your first cousin. There are so so so many men and indeed women out there that would suit her but why our cousin!?

I have two cousins that married. Did we all find it slightly odd? Yes. Did we ostracize them because of it? No. Why would we? they rarely saw each other when growing up. They went to every expert possible to get advice before they had children.
They have three beautiful boys. One is disabled- not because they are genetically related, but because she smoked marijuana throughout her pregnancy.

Unfortunately they have recently split up. The only only reason I would say "don't marry your cousin" is because it has caused a gigantic family rift (v acrimonious split) and now no-one sees their beautiful children.

Yet again, I am loving maid's posts.

OP's, not so much.

You're not 'losing' her...she isn't lost or dying. You have deliberately cut her out over her doing something you disapprove of, that was none of your business in the first place!
It's your fault. It's all your fault.

I just can't accept that you can marry your first cousin.

Well you are going to have to because of you don't your friendship won't last.

Not trying to hide anything Jeanne!

I was pondering a hypothetical question. Is the revulsion at cousin relationships based on the shared genes - which would make a sort of sense although as pps have explained, it's not a huge risk - or is it the 'kinship' of knowing each other since childhood that makes people feel odd?

I'd imagine feeling like this must be quite new; post industrial revolution say.

I'm definitely not going to lunge at my luscious cousin! Apart from anything else I don't suppose his wife would like it .

'When you are right, you don't need anyone. Its when you are wrong that you need your friends'

(My favourite quote from my favourite film)

That is how i approach friendship. So of i was in your situation, feeling how you do, i would be there fpr my bezt friend/cousin because I love her

You are not a friend to her

They may each carry a recessive gene which could then cause abnormality/disability if a child had the misfortune to get both copies. Do you know your family's gene profile well enough to say that there are recessives like this and that it is possible? If you do have this information then you should tell them.

However, even if you know this, and tell them, it is not your decision or your business to decide what they should do about it. You have no business imposing your judgement upon them - I'm assuming they're adults and know the risks already. Or are they both lumbered with learning difficulties and don't understand, aren't competent to make informed decisions?

Still wouldn't be your business though, would it?

If the worst happens, presumably you won't be supportive and helpful and sympathetic to them when they're trying to bring up a disabled child either. Will you be sitting there saying "I told you so"?

I really think you need to examine yourself. You sound so judgemental and unkind, and I'm sure you're not really. Please think carefully and honestly about yourself, and try to let go of your disapproval. They may need your help later on.

But definitely don't go to the wedding. You'd make everyone miserable, atm.

A pp (whose name I didn't bold because my post was general not directed at them) mentioned their grandparents being first cousins and it not being an issue in "their day", Moving.

RTFT.

Wow you're unnecesarily rude Alis. I have read the thread thanks I also read the bit where you said the following: To be honest I think it's odd, two of my mums cousins married in the 80's, having not even met until they were adults. Neither set of parents attended the wedding.

First cousin marriage was very much a problem for their parents who would be in their 80's now so those saying "not a problem in those days" are merely speaking anecdotally, as am I.

And your later, rather patronising posts, where you didn't answer my question. If you actually meant something else to WHAT YOU WROTE that is not my fault is it?

Learn some manners.

so those saying "not a problem in those days" are merely speaking anecdotally, as am I.

That's the bit you missed, Moving.

Learn some manners yourself, who do you think you are? My mother or the thread police?

She's ruining her life because she's marrying our first cousin.

OP, you've been asked several times why you say this and haven't answered. Is it therefore simple prejudice on your part?

I know it's not worth losing decades of friendship but she should know this too.

But it's not quite the same for her, is it? On the one hand she has to weigh up losing decades of friendship against a lifetime of marriage to the man she loves. Furthermore, it's not something she has instigated; she is doing something perfectly legal which you choose to hate her for. For her on balance that could well be worth it, even though by her conduct she is making it clear that she really hopes you will change your mind. On the other hand, you have to weigh up losing decades of friendship (and indeed probably cutting yourself off from most of your family) against nothing but a feeling of self-righteousness - and it is absolutely something you have chosen to instigate. Is it really worth it for you?

I'm someone reacting to someone needlessly and unexpectedly taking a pop at them on the internet for no reason Alisvolatpropiis.

I think you are someone who appears to think I should have paid particular attention to your posts despite you not being the op or saying anything particularly of note so I'm not quite sure why I'm bothered I think because it's just so unnecessary and pointless. And with that I shall disengage. Please feel free to carry on ranting if you wish but I won't react any more :)

My grandparents are cousins, if you have any questions OP..they had 9 children and we are 23 cousins. No disabilitie/deafness/bum sex

pictish Really all my fault?

Yep.

Acrossthepond, the OP has answered that point. I asked if she would still object if her cousins didn't have children and she said yes.

It comes down to all of us being so closely related.

SurlyCue I can assure you I am not in the least bit jealous over my cousin marrying my other cousin. In fact quite the opposite. Repulsed.

As i said upthread, i think you are jealous of your (male) cousin having your best friend to himself. I think you are upset that she is marrying. I think you would be just as upset if it werent a cousin she was marrying, i think you are using the cousin thing as an excuse for your very obvious upset at your cousin having formed such a close relationship with someone who isnt you.

Yes, it is all your fault

Jeanne The risk of first cousins having a child with a genetic disorder is 4%. Thus, this would be how your hypothetical couple would be counselled. This would be the same risk quoted to, say, a Pakistani couple where there was no evidence of other very complicated genetic relationships and a 'normal' level of outbreeding.

The actual genetic disorders that manifest may be different, of course, because we can sometimes see ethnic clustering.

In families with numerous intrafamilial relationships, double first cousins and so on, we see the incidence of genetic disease in children approach and often exceed 10%.

I just can't accept that you can marry your first cousin.

But the thing is that you can. The law says so. It's not for you to say different.

OP, if you really are so close to your cousin, and if you really think she is ruining her life, don't you think you should be there for her?

You remind me about a friend who got into a relationship with a heroin addict, began experimenting herself and married him. I absolutely and completely hated the whole idea and, like you, was sure she was ruining her life. But I didn't boycott the wedding because I knew she wouldn't forgive that, and would never come to me afterwards if she needed help. Things got worse before they got better, but we are now at the stage where both are clean and happy - and they very much relied on their friends and relatives to achieve that. I am so glad I didn't cast her off for doing something I hated.

I know two first cousin couples.
All children are fine and they have good relationships afaik.

For one couple their two daughters excel at school and at sports.

But I just know this is a mistake. I just know it.

I expect when you are both 100 and she lived happily with her husband for many decades and has a house full of healthy descendants, that you will still be banging on that it is a mistake and you know it.

The thing is that there will be far more cousin-marriages where children are healthy than ones where they are not. That doesn't change the fact that the risks are higher. Moving towards a culture that normalises cousins marrying cousins is not a good move though. The posts by maidofstars make that abundantly clear IMO.

You have offered no reasons other than'I don't like it'

Your feeling of 'not liking it' is over-riding everything else.

Cut off your nose to spite your face, why don't you?

I don't know why you posted here, other than to have something to get offended by when people point this out to you

i think its odd too but its not unheard of and no one in my family would bat an eyelid because they know someone somewhere who married their cousin. in some ethnic groups they specifically marry their first cousin but that's forced marriage to be honest, and it was done for economic reasons, but still continues to this day.

I don't agree with it but each to their own.

royal families across the world are made up of such marriages, and in history incestuous ones too, i would never agree with that makes me shudder at the thought.

It used to be quite normal in England not many years ago.

don't go if it sickens you i wouldn't if i had such feelings.