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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think children aren't that fussed about the size of their house?

133 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 05/11/2015 11:57

Had an interesting discussion with my BF last night.

He is adamant it's cruel to have children if you aren't able to give them their own room and loads of space etc.

I think you can be poor and live in a small house still be happy.

BF grew up in a large Georgian town house with 6 bedrooms, a library etc.
I grew up in a council house.
BF thinks it's odd that my boys share a bedroom. (He has no DC)
I've said that lots of families live like this, but he thinks overcrowding causes MH issues.

AIBU thinking kids don't mind living in a cosy home, as long as their needs are met?

OP posts:

LunaSonny · 05/11/2015 12:00

I loved sharing with my sisters as a child. I think it teaches them important lessons eg. sharing and respecting each others space. Not to mention laying in bed giggling and chatting when we were meant to be asleep!

Seeline · 05/11/2015 12:01

I think it depends on their age. I grew up in a tiny flat and shared a minute bedroom with my younger sister until I was 9 when we moved to a house. I would have hated sharing as I got older. My bedroom was still small, about the size of the one I had been sharing - a definite single, but it was my space.
We now live in an Edwardian detached 4 bed, but the 2 smaller rooms are very small. DS (14) hates his bedroom - he can't fit his stuff in it and it isn't really big enough to take his mates to and he doesn't want to be socialising in front of his Mum!

ghostyslovesheep · 05/11/2015 12:01

I agree with you BUT I did actual move this year to a 4 bed because my three really struggled with sharing - but my eldest has emotional and behavioural issues and the middle one suffers with anxiety - so that didn't help!

They are happier having their own space but I know lots of kids who prefer sharing - my friends 2 chose to stay together rather move into the spare room

Pootles2010 · 05/11/2015 12:03

It massively depends. I think shared rooms are fine, but a child needs space to do their homework, to have privacy if they need it, etc.

I'm not sure i'd be happy being in a relationship with someone who thought i was cruel and shouldn't have had children?!

VimFuego101 · 05/11/2015 12:04

I grew up in a 2 bed flat with my parents, brother and sister. It was really tough having no private space, not being able to have friends over, and just not being able to escape from everyone. As a result I feel very strongly that I would never have more children than bedrooms. I'm sure some siblings have a great time sharing though.

Moln · 05/11/2015 12:07

Mostly they don't mind, unless they have a friend with the attitude your BF has!!

I know my DC are ok with it (as in they don't want to move ever) but they will not have certain friends over, those with attitudes that they are better because they live in a big house (not really great 'friends' tbh! I've had them walk in a laugh at my DC about the size of the house)

My eldest has a friend who lives in a HUGE house four story and basement hall with square footage bigger than our ground floor, cinema room, games room etc. He doesn't blink an eye and never has about the difference, and DS doesn't care either (however his friends house is way better for hide and seek)

StarlingMurmuration · 05/11/2015 12:08

ghosty, I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you think your children's anxiety and behavioural issues were caused by sharing, or just exacerbated by it?

AmyLouKin · 05/11/2015 12:09

Your boyfriend is talking a load of rubbish! I and most of my friends shared a bedroom as kids! At one point there were 3 of us in one room. It was only when we got to older teenage sort of age we needed (and got ) a bit more of our own space, as my parents had an extension built! Our house was a small cottage but I don't think it makes a difference if it's a flat, cottage or terraced! Moms kids have a bit of space to roam around outside if they feel the need for a bit of alone time!
As for it causing mental health issues..............Well tosh and piffle! I think he is being a snob as he grew up in a privileged environment. He seems a bit blinkered to me!

Original poster

UterusUterusGhali · 05/11/2015 12:09

Pootles yeah it does kinda change things.
He's essentially saying he'd never have a child with me unless we won the lottery or something.
But that's another thread.

I hated sharing personally, and I do wish my boys didn't have to share. (They are very different.)

I don't think it's the end of the world though, and lots of families just knuckle down and get on with it.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 05/11/2015 12:09

Sharing a room with one similar aged sibling is one thing, sharing with 2 or more quite another. Never being able to find a quiet moment and having no privacy and always living in a mess is pretty damaging to many people's mental health.

A friend of mine grew up as one of 4 in a small 3 bed house. Parents had the main bedroom, brother had the box room and she shared a small bedroom with sisters 3 and 5 years smaller than her. Little room downstairs, not even a table to sit down at to eat (no room). She used to sit in the car to do homework, or get some peace. She does not cherish memories of a happy childhood home (although she loves her family) - she remembers noise, and mess and bedlam and never being able to have friends round and chat/listen to music privately. She left home at 17 and has refused to have more than 2 children so each could have their own bedroom.

Ultimately, I think your BF is adopting an extreme position but I also think children need to have their own space (not necessarily a room but more than a bed), and a chance for solitude and quiet and privacy.

sparechange · 05/11/2015 12:10

It depends if the space it well ordered and uncluttered.
Having to share rooms is fine. Not having enough storage, a space to call your own, enough room to play/read/do homework is not fine.

I think not having space to get away from people and have some quiet time can and does send people barmy. Whether it leads to proper MH problems, I don't know, but it definitely leads to lots of tensions in a family, and the knock on effects that comes with those.

museumum · 05/11/2015 12:11

I think it's the parents who can have mh issues from crowding. Most parents put their kids first and suffer themselves. It's tougher on parents when everyone is on top of each other and harder to keep tidy/clean if cluttered. I'm sure the kids don't care much - and some kids share a bedroom even when there are rooms spare because they like it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/11/2015 12:12

I'm with him, I hated sharing a bedroom with my sister.

AmyLouKin · 05/11/2015 12:12

*most kid

voluptuagoodshag · 05/11/2015 12:14

i grew up in a 2 bedroomed council house. Had to share with my Mum and Dad until I was eight. Never bothered me. I think too much space raises expectations to be honest. I look at my two kids with their huge rooms each and another room with a tv but our cosiest and best times are when we are all together in a caravan on holiday.

ghostyslovesheep · 05/11/2015 12:15

StarlingMurmuration - no I think it didn't help but they had their own rooms until 5 years ago when their dad left - I think that did more damage

However both had had the issues before that - I think the divorce, house move etc made things more stressful for them

OliviaDunham · 05/11/2015 12:15

I shared with my DSis which wasn't great as we don't get on. However DS1 shares with DS3 and it works just fine, DS2 has his own room. They've not really complained as they know I can't magic up another room, plus DS3 who's 6 doesn't like being in a room on his own.

Original poster

UterusUterusGhali · 05/11/2015 12:16

Bf cites an example of a friend of his that lived for a while in a tiny flat with their large family when they first came to this country. They also ran a business from the flat.
Bf's friend has MH problems including OCD that they attribute to the chaotic environment they grew up in.

I'm sure extreme examples like that & Barbarian's friend would affect a child.

OP posts:

Lelania · 05/11/2015 12:16

It used to be the norm to share!

I think that most children would prefer their own room over a certain age. But then most children would prefer to have a lot of things their parents can't afford. I would prefer to have a shoe room but unfortunately I can't afford one so have to suck it up. I don't think sharing would do most children any harm.

MaxPepsi · 05/11/2015 12:16

I grew up in a large 4 bedroom semi with a big garden. There was loads of space, however my brothers did have to share as there were 6 of us in total. Being the only girl I got a large room to myself. My mum swapped my brothers round depending on their needs at the time.
Didn't do them any harm to share - but there was plenty of other space in the house.

I live in a small 3 bedroom semi, just me DH and the dog. If we had been able to have kids there is no way I could have stayed in the house, it would be far to restrictive for a family. There just isn't enough room downstairs.

DeoGratias · 05/11/2015 12:18

It's just what you're used to. I have a sluightly bigger house than I grew up in. It is about 5000 sft which is quite large and I like it but children can be loved and happy in smaller spaces. Two of my children choose to share a room and need not.

Cel982 · 05/11/2015 12:18

Meh. I shared a bedroom until I was 19. Yes, I would have liked my own space and I grumbled a bit, but I certainly don't remember it as a blight on my childhood, and neither DSis nor I have been left with mental health problems because of it
The joy I got/get from having siblings and now nieces and nephews far outweighs any lack of personal space as a kid.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 05/11/2015 12:19

There's quite a difference (imho) between a large family squashed into a tiny flat and 2 siblings sharing a room.

I think sharing a room is much easier if there are separate spaces in the living part of the house to go to get some peace and quiet.

Florin · 05/11/2015 12:20

I think most children do benefit from space. We moved from a smaller house and our small child hated not having space to run around. He turned into a different boy when we moved and he had space. He now has 2 bedrooms one for sleeping in and one for his wooden train set! I think everyone benefits from space around them. We are certainly all much happier. I don't think it is fair for 3 children to share a room, they need some personal space and privacy.

scortja · 05/11/2015 12:27

Have you read this article?

Basically (middle class) New Yorkers living in tiny apartments for the children.

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