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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be grateful when DH buys me clothes I don't want and don't like

183 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 04/11/2015 22:18

It happened again today. DH went to the shops (supermarket - so not talking pricey) and asked if I wanted a dress. He sent me a photo. I said no thanks - it was shapeless and ugly. He bought it anyway and got me to try it on ... And it's still shapeless and ugly. I've told him to take it back and now he's got the hump. Silent treatment and everything.
I think in his head he was doing something nice for me ... So AIBU to not take the dress, smile and say thank you?

OP posts:
definitelybutter · 05/11/2015 08:38

annandale if you said you didn't want sugar in your tea, got given sugar in your tea even though the person making it had clearly understood that you had asked for no sugar and then drank it then you would get sugar in your tea every time. Your ability to choose your preference has been compromised. The person who made the tea will know that she can erode your choices. She will know that you accept that what you choose is not as important as her feelings and she can persuade you to do other things that you may not otherwise wish to do.

Because if you didn't mind the sugar in the tea 'and can see why some people prefer it' then you have just given concrete proof that she knows better than you and can override your decisions. It can be the thin end of the wedge.

noeffingidea · 05/11/2015 08:41

I think Llewji has the right idea. You could buy him one of these www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/02/asos-man-cape_n_8451048.html

AnyFucker · 05/11/2015 08:49

Wow, old fool

You certainly have an impressive line in paternalistic misogyny

That must have taken years of practice Smile

noeffingidea · 05/11/2015 08:54

anyfucker don't be mean. Old fool's obviously a 'nice guy' Smile

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/11/2015 08:55

But this old fool, your analogy is still not right because with the flowers thing you bought your wife three of the things that she already wanted and liked - whereas in this case, the OP had already told her husband she didn't want the dress because she didn't like it - and he still bought it. And now he is getting into a strop because... she doesn't like it.

Buying a gift for someone and getting it wrong? Fine. The thought was there; yes, the recipient should absolutely be gracious about it. Asking someone if they want something, them saying they don't because they don't like it and then still buying it and then getting annoyed because they don't like it? Loopy.

ElviraCondomine · 05/11/2015 08:56

Bloody hell it's like the last 50 years never happened.

Nice checklist of language intended to control and denigrate women you have there ThisOldFool.

NorksAreMessy · 05/11/2015 08:57

"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and, besides, the pig likes it"

Trills · 05/11/2015 09:00

Most blokes have no idea what their DP's really like, even when it's pointed out to them in the shop. Most blokes are dickheads most of the time, but that's the way they (we) are. Would you really want it any other way?

I feel really sorry for you if this is your experience of men.

And you've become so institutionalised that you think it is desirable for men to be "dickheads most of the time".

In my experience, this is not true. And if it were true, I certainly would want it to be different.

Lndnmummy · 05/11/2015 09:02

Op i have this too with my dp and it is really getting me down. I understand how you feel

ItGoesWithoutSaying · 05/11/2015 09:08

As TalkingintheDark says
It's the sulking and silent treatment, when you'd already said you didn't like it, that's worrying.

That, and buying it when you had said you didn't like the picture.

Depends on your relationship. DH and I are both into clothes. He will often buy me things (probably to stop the guilt he feels about buying himself stuff). And, because he knows what I like, will often get it right. I will be grateful. He will sometimes get it wrong. And so takes it back to the shop without complaining. (I also buy him stuff in similar vein.)

Finally, BillBrysonsBeard said: Most men don't get involved with women's clothes choices.

A bit of a generalisation. Provided it's done in a non-controlling way I don't see the problem. There are plenty of MN threads where women admit to buying their DH's clothes, throwing out or forbidding certain looks, and no-one seems to mind.

DownstairsMixUp · 05/11/2015 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LilaTheTiger · 05/11/2015 09:16

Sure blokes do get it wrong occassionally but at least they're trying

Nothing has made me shout FUCK OFF louder at MN.

Stop doing men a disservice with your mansplaining bollocks. It's embarrassing.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 05/11/2015 09:17

Oldfool you are coming across as extremely patronising. I'm sure you didn't mean it, did you? After all most blokes are just dickheads who don't know what they are doing, to paraphrase :)

wheelsonabus · 05/11/2015 09:17

YANBU. He should only offer an opinion on what you wear after you ask for it, not tell you what you should wear despite you saying you don't like it.

Why do you think he's sulking? I can only think of one reason: that you refused to do as you were told. Because it wasn't a gift as he said 'I saw this' and you said 'I don't like it' and he bought it anyway and told you to wear it. So he can't be upset that you didn't like what he got, because he already knew that you didn't like it.

I would tell him to grow up and not offer any more advice on what you should wear unless you ask him for it. Then take the dress back and get yourself something nice instead. Be clear. If he ignores that then he's clearly not liking the fact he can't tell you what to wear.

noeffingidea · 05/11/2015 09:17

When someone sulks you have to nip it in the bud. Don't pander to it. Do not reinforce bad behaviour.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/11/2015 09:18

'Most blokes have no idea what their DP's really like, even when it's pointed out to them in the shop. Most blokes are dickheads most of the time, but that's the way they (we) are. Would you really want it any other way?'

Why on earth would anyone want someone who ignores what they say?

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/11/2015 09:22

Sure blokes do get it wrong occassionally but at least they're trying

What...?! No they're not. Not all men 'are trying'. Any more than all women are.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Are you aware you sound ridiculous?

noeffingidea · 05/11/2015 09:23

Why don't people just ignore oldfool. He's a troll he admitted it in his post.

rookiemere · 05/11/2015 09:31

Wow some weird views on this thread.

YANBU OP. If he hadn't asked you if he should buy it before buying it anyway Hmm, then maybe you could have feigned a bit of "thanks for thinking of me but never buy such hideous garments again for me", but as he asked, and you said No, why on earth reward him for doing something you had specifically asked him not to.

I can sort of see if he was in a luxury upmarket shop and saw something that he thought was gorgeous and you wouldn't spend the money on, but for a Florence & Fred £20 polyester number, well just no really.

If DH wants to buy me a treat, he gets flowers, chocolate ( I can get a bit frosty with el cheapo Thorntons mind, but I try to hide it) or alcoholic ginger beer. These he knows will be well received.

wobblywindows · 05/11/2015 09:38

Lightbulb moment! Perhaps, just perhaps he just dreads having to take the thing back ? Some men don't like / won't do return-item-to-shop.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/11/2015 09:41

So what wobbly? Still doesn't give him reason to be stroppy with her.

TheWernethWife · 05/11/2015 10:00

Velour why have you reported the word Tranny - Grayson Perry has described himself as a Tranny on numerous occasions. I'm sure if you google him you will find out.

TheWernethWife · 05/11/2015 10:03

Wobbly then he shouldn't have bought the bloody thing in the first place after being told no. As a poster said upthread, this sounds like Helen Archer and the evil Rob.

BitchPeas · 05/11/2015 10:14

OldFool what the fucking fuck is a Fanjo warrior?? And Haridens and harpies??

Hmmmm are you hidden in amongst this pile of princes by any chance?

www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/nice-guys#.tcVgekyvx

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 05/11/2015 10:28

My lover celebrates me all the time Grin

He doesn't, however, do this by buying something I don't want and then sulking when I don't like it.

I could understand the posters saying "don't be ungrateful" and "he was trying to be nice" if he just picked up the dress at the shop thinking she might like it and returned home to OP saying, "what the fuck is that." But he didn't, he asked if she would like it and then totally dismissed her opinion in favour of his own by buying it. Then to have the cheek to sulk because she pointed out she didn't like it (which he already knew) is fucking ridiculous. Passive aggressive at best.

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