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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be grateful when DH buys me clothes I don't want and don't like

183 replies

Memyselfandthatotherperson · 04/11/2015 22:18

It happened again today. DH went to the shops (supermarket - so not talking pricey) and asked if I wanted a dress. He sent me a photo. I said no thanks - it was shapeless and ugly. He bought it anyway and got me to try it on ... And it's still shapeless and ugly. I've told him to take it back and now he's got the hump. Silent treatment and everything.
I think in his head he was doing something nice for me ... So AIBU to not take the dress, smile and say thank you?

OP posts:

AskBasil · 04/11/2015 23:58

"why on earth would anyone choose to be on bad terms with their partner over this."

The OP isn't choosing to be on bad terms with her partner over this.

He is choosing to be on bad terms with her.

He is sulking and giving her the silent treatment.

And you are gaslighting her. You are validating her partner's passive aggressive behaviour and sewing doubts that her perception that he is being utterly unreasonable, is wrong.

This is why women stay with abusive men. Because they are groomed to accept the abuse and when they question it, other people tell them they are overreacting and bend over backwards to normalise men's abusive behaviour. So by the time that first punch comes, their perceptions of what is normal and what is reasonable, have been completely skewed.

Duck90 · 05/11/2015 00:01

i am surprised at the number who say, accept it and wear it once. What a waste of money! This may be one dress, but others have said that this is a regular thing.

The situation is odd, who would a) buy the dress after being told no b) wear something they dislike and c) keep repeating the cycle.

NameChange30 · 05/11/2015 00:03

"i am surprised at the number who say, accept it and wear it once."

To be fair it's only one crazy person who said it. And one other even crazier person seemed to agree.

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/11/2015 00:05

I'd swap it for something in the menswear department, a Hawaiian shirt or a hilarious t shirt, "aw w don't you like it, I was just trying to be nice" and then flounce yourself.

NameChange30 · 05/11/2015 00:10

bearleft Excellent plan! And don't forget to text a photo before you buy it!

sleeponeday · 05/11/2015 00:10

He's being unreasonable, not you. It was sweet to think of you and text the photo, but once you said no, that should have been it. Buying it and expecting you to shut up and wear something you don't like and told him not to get is unreasonable, and sulking because you won't is just obnoxious.

sleeponeday · 05/11/2015 00:12

My thought reading this is "are you someone who mostly wears trousers?" Nothing wrong if you do, but if you are a trouser wearer, maybe your DH would just really like to see you in a dress.

Then maybe he should have tried to find a dress she actually liked? Novel, but it might just work.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 05/11/2015 00:14

why on earth would anyone choose to be on bad terms with their partner over this.

Oh, I don't know, because if you set a pattern of not being able to disagree with your partner over something as small and stupid as this, what the fuck kind of a say do you think you're going to get in anything that actually means something big?

How desperate and damaged do you have to be to be doing the pick-me-dance in the absence of an OW?

Inertia · 05/11/2015 00:17

YANBU.

He is telling you that you must do and wear what he wants, that your opinion is to be ignored, and that if you are not compliant then you'll be punished with anger and sulking. Hardly someone doing a 'nice thing' . If he wanted to do a nice thing he'd have actually listened to her.

sleeponeday · 05/11/2015 00:18

why on earth would anyone choose to be on bad terms with their partner over this.

I agree with that. It's just that the question should be aimed at the person sulking at not being allowed to dress the other up like a dolly, not the person worrying about whether they have the right to refuse to be that dolly, and considering folding to placate the sulky great baby.

It's nice to be nice. Yes, what a shame he isn't.

Mmmmcake123 · 05/11/2015 00:22

Annandale obv most people like to be introduced to new things even if it is sugar in your tea, but you seem to be ignoring that op was introduced by a pic n said no. No should be accepted as no.
Fatmomma I get your point that he might like to simply see her dressed in a more feminine way and his intentions may be based on clothing she wore pre children but he is going about things in the wrong way.

OP please talk to dp as he may be trying to get back something lost in the most misguided way.

Duck90 · 05/11/2015 00:22

Anotheremma, sorry to be difficult. But I checked the first page, 3 different posters said either they are happy to receive something , are bought items (but give them away) and will wear anything their partner gives them. I shan't bring myself to calculate the rest of the thread.

Sorry - I'm sure you guys are happy. I just could t accept gifted clothing, in any of those circumstances.

annandale · 05/11/2015 00:24

Went back and read the Op again. I interpret the sulk as to being asked to take the dress back, not to refusing to wear it, which set me off on my original path as I thought it was quite brusque. Id say 'its not me' but wouldn't tell him what to do with it.

Op if you are feeling that this is all part if a pattern of disrespect and /or abuse I hope you get support. Otherwise... Sometimes a dress is just a dress.

NameChange30 · 05/11/2015 00:25

Duck no need to apologise, my bad. Sorry! My reply may have been influenced by my urge to denounce the crazies.

Mmmmcake123 · 05/11/2015 00:25

Askbasil I think you make a very strong point that the op should ensure she takes seriously. Also all mums when raising our little ones in readiness for adult life

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 05/11/2015 00:38

Oh my god this thread.

OP - YANBU, your husband is being hugely unreasonable buying you something that you told him you didn't want!

annandale the reason you don't accept it, is that once you are in the habit of accepting being dictated to over seemingly innocuous things like dresses, then it is a slippery slope to obeying ones husband in all things and being told you need to spread your legs whether you want it right then or not.

He offered, she said no thank you. If it had ended there, then neither of them had been rude. As it was, the OP's husband decided that he was better qualified to know what she wanted than she was herself, and bought it anyway. Which really is absolutely the worst manners.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 05/11/2015 00:42

Not read the whole thread but it is not a present if the OP said she didnt want it and he bought it anyway, then sulked when she still didnt like it. It's controlling and creepy!

I always think there is something 'off' about a man who tries to choose what his wife/gf wears. It's 'icky' in a way I can't quite articulate - like she is some sort of object he csn dress up

QueenArseClangers · 05/11/2015 00:56

Are you Helen Archer OP? Is it Rob who's buying you shapeless dresses?

reni2 · 05/11/2015 01:08

Do it to him. I suggest a Homer Simpson cable knit acrylic Christmas jumper, ideally with lights or bells. Source it, send him a pic and wait for him to ask if you lost the plot. Then buy it and copy his performance. Very controlling behaviour, but maybe he needs to feel it rather than be told.

Sazzle41 · 05/11/2015 01:18

The fact that he has done this before when you say you dont like the dress suggests a control issue /issue with how you 'should' dress. Its not his decision how you dress IMO. I'd be more than fecked off unless my partner knew my exact taste and got me what I liked. I suppose the tactful way to do it would be to say anything you buy needs to be tried on as all women are different build/what suits short might not suit tall etc - tho if you buy online/ internet he's going to dismiss that... Or text him a pic of your fave type of outfit/dress??

I've ditched a partner in the past for continually criticising my outfits and wanting me to dress inappropriately slutty with a capital S - other partners have all preferred my normal look.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2015 01:42

"celebrate you" ?

what fuckery is this ?

I LOLed

Atenco · 05/11/2015 01:46

This brings two things to mind. One, a friend who was in an abusive relationship whose partner bought her lots of clothes that were not her style and a friend of mine whose girlfriend made some biscuits one day and he praised them to the sky. Next thing you know she is making them for him at least once a week and telling everyone they were his favourite food, when the fact he didn't like them at all.

So we have to be really careful when we tell people close to us that we like something just so as not to hurt their feelings.

Senpai · 05/11/2015 02:29

I'd be really touched he thought of me, try it on, say I like it, wear it maybe once to please him.

He's a grown ass man, not a 4 year old boy.

Alternatively he could respect her feelings and her "no". Women aren't put here to "please their men".

Senpai · 05/11/2015 02:31

Atenco I get cherry cordials every Christmas because of this. It's gone on far too long to put an end to now.

MistressDeeCee · 05/11/2015 02:51

I'd have a general chat with him and get it sorted out in terms of what you do and don't like. Some of the "reaction comments" on this thread are extreme he's your husband not your enemy (I hope!) if you listened to some you'd be at his throat for stepping out of line, and I don't think your situation warrants that at all.

Could be he has a preference for what you wear and that could be a control issue which isn't good - not that your post makes me think that but if YOU think it may be that then have a word asap. Sometimes people don't listen, theyll buy you something because they think once you actually see it, you'll like it. Doesn't necessarily make them mean or cruel, just foolish and I suppose hardheaded

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