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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 04/11/2015 15:27

Well said Flowers

ssd · 04/11/2015 15:28

never except on MN land would you find someone saying that you arent your sisters responsibility!

what happened to the concept of family?!?

diddl · 04/11/2015 15:29

I don't think that the sister sounds selfish.

She was going to be in Glasgow, so what was OP going to do then?

Why must she invite OP because she will now no longer be in Glasgow?

Presumably OP could spend Christmas with herparents & GPs if she chose to?

Namechangenell · 04/11/2015 15:29

When I say it's not the sister's responsibility, I mean she's not obligated to do anything she doesn't want to. As the OP isn't, equally. I find it strange that her ire is directed at her sister and not her parents, or grandparents, all other family members she could be with.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 04/11/2015 15:30

Reverse doesn't generate a more sympathetic view of the OP's sister to me, not at all.

I think she is being thoughtless at best, heartless at worst. The baby will be asleep for most of it.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 15:32

No one said she's 'obligated' to do anything Namechange. But most people are capable of doing the decent thing without having a gun put to their head.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 15:34

The parents had planned to go to France to see their elderly parents. The OP is short of annual leave so it would be awkward for her to go over. The simple and obvious solution is to have Christmas dinner with her sister who lives 20 mins away and spend part of the day with her (cooking or bringing some of the food with her if necessary). In most families that would be a no brainer. There would not be any need for endless discussion about it. It would just happen.

Namechangenell · 04/11/2015 15:35

SSD - the OP has other family she can spend time with. She chose not to. Maybe they're frustrated at her not wanting to be with them? Who knows?

Agree Diddl - if they'd been in Glasgow as per the original plans, this wouldn't have been an option anyway.

Maybe the sister expected the OP to be with her parents and genuinely didn't think there'd be a problem. I suspect there's more to this.

Badders123 · 04/11/2015 15:35

You would be more than welcome at my house, op.
Not sure I'd wish my lot on you though :)
The lakes plan sounds lovely.
Hope you enjoy it.

Kintan · 04/11/2015 15:38

I wonder why you are not more annoyed with your parents to be honest. Were you upset with your sister when she was planning to spend Christmas in Glasgow without you? if not I don't think you can be upset with her now - she was never planning to spend it with you it seems, whether Glasgow or at home. Your parents on the other hand were happy to book to go to France knowing you would likely be alone.

Namechangenell · 04/11/2015 15:38

Imogen - I agree, it would be the decent thing to do in a regular family set up, where people like each other and want to spend time with each other. For whatever reason, the OP's sister doesn't want to spend Christmas Day with the OP. There are other family members the OP could spend time with (though admittedly this may be tricky due to holiday flights). As I said, I suspect there's more to it as given where they each live, it would also be a no brainer for me too.

diddl · 04/11/2015 15:39

What do you & your sister usually do?

Why would your parents go away because they thought that your sister would be away?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/11/2015 15:43

The parents had planned to go to France to see their elderly parents.

The parents only planned to go to France because the sister was planning on being away over Christmas. The parents booked knowing the op would then be on her own. For what ever reason the sisters plans have now changed but if they hadn't the op would still be in the position she is in, nothing has changed for the op.

Bubblesinthesummer · 04/11/2015 15:43

Well put.

amarmai · 04/11/2015 16:04

I am wondering if your sister's h is behind her telling you this? i do understand them making the decision to have xmas with their baby, but they could have the am on their own and you over in the pm. That way it cd work for all of you. They may change their mind as they get feedback , so make plans but don't spend $$ on them unless you can cancel and get your $$ back. It seems they are sending a message that they do not want you to take them for granted. If so , keep that in mind if they try to take you for granted. You sound well able to look after yourself and i bet you'll meet interesting people if you go on holiday at xmas + prices are better then! Make it work for you,op.

Frostycake · 04/11/2015 16:09

At least your sister is using 'the baby' as an excuse not to see you OP. My sister doesn't have children but still won't see me at Christmas because she 'doesn't want to set a precedent.' I've been single (mostly) for donkey's years and mainly spend the holiday on my own if I don't spend it with single friends (no other family as we're all older). They leave BIL's elderly mother alone on Christmas Day too. Some people are so selfish.

speedyboardersuzanne · 04/11/2015 16:20

Op you sound nice so this is in no way about you.

However I won't be inviting my sister to mine this year, she's a real sponge and I just don't buy this thing that at Christmas you put everything behind you and spend it with family. She's divorced, lucky escape for him IMO, and we don't have many days that we all get to spend together, so I just want to spend it with people I like and not have someone in the background sniping away.

Namechangenell · 04/11/2015 16:26

But why is it selfish to want time alone? How can one person who wants to be with others feel that their need to be in company trumps the feelings of the others, who don't want company? You'd hope that in real life, a compromise could be reached but neither party is wrong per se.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 16:29

It's selfish to refuse someone a place at your table on Christmas day when they're close family and will be alone otherwise.

There's nothing wrong with wanting some time alone, but insisting on excluding someone on Christmas day is unkind.

rookiemere · 04/11/2015 16:31

I do feel the sister is getting a bit too much of a blasting here.

I don't know how many previous Christmas's you have spent with them, but maybe the Dsis is fed up with being the default Christmas organiser.

Even though OP sounds laid back and has offered to do the cooking (with the not so helpful caveat that she's rubbish at it - although Christmas dinner is hard to get wrong as you can just buy it all pre-made), it sounds like they just want to relax. Perhaps they don't even want to have Christmas dinner, just veg about in their pjs all day. They certainly won't get a chance to do that once the baby is up and walking.

I get that Christmas is the season of goodwill and all that, but all too often it sounds like a day where usually a woman is forced to do extra work to accommodate other people's wishes.

OnlyLovers · 04/11/2015 16:33

I totally agree, too often Xmas seems to be automatically given to women to sort out and run.

The thing is, though, all this about them wanting to veg might be true, but the sister has had a chance to say 'TBH sis, we don't want to be arsed with Christmas cooking and all that; we just want to wear PJs and eat ready meals and watch telly. If you're happy with that then come on over.'

diddl · 04/11/2015 16:36

"I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years). "

Just noticed that from the OP.

So, you'll have to have your nice day some other time!

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 16:41

Imogen - although that wasn't the 'obvious solution' when the OP's parents booked to go to France, they thought their DD2 would be in Scotland with her PIL, not at home to host DD1/the OP. The OP didn't plan to go to France and at that time, thought her sister would be in Scotland.

Sallystyle · 04/11/2015 16:44

It's really mean.

You just don't leave people you love alone on Xmas day.

FFS, people can be horrible.

diddl · 04/11/2015 16:49

"You just don't leave people you love alone on Xmas day."

Nobody thought to tell the OPs parents that, did they?

OP, now that your sister won't be in Glasgow, why did you think that that would automatically mean that you would see her?

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