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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 14:45

I don't think the sister is any more selfish than her parents, who planned to go away because they thought one of their DDs would be at her PILs, expecting their other DD to spend the christmas without any family and not checking if she'd made plans with friends or to holiday etc. Your sister might well have thought you had christmas plans of your own if you'd known earlier in the year she'd be in Scotland and your parents were going away, she might well have been surprised by your call.

and I can see why it might be 'politically sensitive' to cancel plans to see your PIL because you want to 'spend Christmas quietly at home alone with the new baby', not inviting PIL to come to you, but then invite your sister...

mileend2bermondsey · 04/11/2015 14:48

Imagine this in reverse:
AIBU to want to spend our first Christmas as a family together alone? DH and I have just had our first DC, it will be his first xmas. DSis and I only live 20 mins apart, we see each other regularly and have a good relationship. She doesnt have a partner or kids and generally spends most Saturday nights on her own in front of the telly, she seems to be happy in her own company. The other day she started talking about what we were going to do on xmas day and I worked out she assumed she was invited round to ours for the day. I gently told her DH and I had planned on it just being the 3 of us for baby's first xmas. DSis looked put out and started coming up with other suggestions like us going round hers, her doing all the cooking ect. I told her it wasnt about the hosting but about us spending DS's first xmas together as a family and politely declined again. DH thinks it will be weird, us 3 and her tagging along on xmas day. He doesnt see why it should be my responsibilty to look after DSis as she hasnt got partner/kids/friends to spend xmas with, she cant just gatecrash ours. DSis is really upset and keeps making comments to make me feel guilty about our decision. AI really BU to want 1 xmas alone?

I dont mean this horribly, I just think the comments saying OPs sister is a selfish bitch, cut her off as the relationship is all one way, never do favours for her again, are a little harsh. You define someones entire character or relationship on one, one sided AIBU question.

FWIWI dont think YABU to be upset OP. But I also dont think your sister IBUR either.

ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean · 04/11/2015 14:51

Is anyone else curious whether there are going to be outrageous demands from the sister as to what the nephew wants for Christmas?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/11/2015 14:51

My response would be the same if it was reversed.
I would say that your sister had done loads to help you out and she will be all alone. She is your family and has been for far longer than the one you currently consider your 'immediate family'.

So get over yourself and don't be leaving your poor sister alone on Christmas day.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 14:51

'DH thinks it will be weird, us 3 and her tagging along on xmas day. He doesnt see why it should be my responsibilty to look after DSis as she hasnt got partner/kids/friends to spend xmas with, she cant just gatecrash ours.'

My response would be....

'YABU

She doesn't want 'looking after' she just wants to spend a few hours with you on Christmas Day. If your DH thinks it's weird well then maybe he's the one who's a bit weird'.

Orrery · 04/11/2015 14:52

Oh, that does sound a bit crap of her, but then it is also a bit crap of your parents to be going abroad on their first grandchild's first xmas, so maybe your sister has the hump with all of you and has decided that if that's the way you all want it, so be it, this is HER family now.

You sound like a very independent family.

Sansoora · 04/11/2015 14:52

Is anyone else curious whether there are going to be outrageous demands from the sister as to what the nephew wants for Christmas?

It did cross my mind.

Bakeoffcake · 04/11/2015 14:55

mileend. I'm reading your scenario thinking "no, you are bing incredibly selfish. You say you have a good relationship, how can you sit there on Christmas Day with your little family, knowing your sisiter is on her own when she doesn't want to be. Just invite her for tea if you really can't bring yourself to have lunch with her"

Namechangenell · 04/11/2015 14:57

'I don't think there should be an obligation to family, just because you happen to be alone and she isn't.'

I'm going to go against the grain here and agree with this. Your sister is entitled to want the day with her own, new, nuclear family. You're entitled to want to spend it with her. Neither of you is wrong. However, as you both want different things, it looks like your plans aren't going to come to fruition this year (and reading the rest of the thread, it looks like you've made other plans now anyway).

It's sad that a compromise couldn't be reached, but maybe your sister just wants her own life for once, and not to be the family lynchpin. Maybe her husband also wants time alone with his wife and new baby and not to have to worry about you being there if they want to slob around in their PJs or whatever. Yes, you're family and family is important, particularly so at Christmas, but it sounds as though your younger sister's life has moved on (partner, child) and yours hasn't. In the kindest way, maybe your expectations of her are mismatched now - ie if you'd both been single, you'd have sent the day together. Now she has her own family set up, she has obligations to her DH and DC. They'll always come first.

I'm sorry that you feel left out but it's just one day. Why not go with your parents on their trip if you want to be around family? That seems to be an option that hasn't been mentioned as yet.

merrygoround51 · 04/11/2015 14:58

Mileend as a reverse the sister still sounds incredibly selfish

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 15:00

Actually, shouldn't the reverse be more:

"AIBU to want to spend our first Christmas with DC alone? We have been in a rotation of seeing my family or DH's family at Christmas, and this year should have been PIL's 'turn' - but as I have a new baby, I really can't face the very long journey (they are in Scotland, we are in Yorkshire) and back in the summer told them we would prefer to spend Christmas at home alone, just the three of us. They have taken it very well, (thankfully!) and understand we won't be going up.

However, my sister has now been in touch, seems she decided not to join my parents going to see our grandparents and now wants to spend Christmas with us (she lives about 20 minutes away). AIBU to say no, we had always planned to spend Christmas without my family this year..."

ssd · 04/11/2015 15:04

I think its really really mean of your sister to do this to you op.

And I hope you remember it when she asks you to babysit.

I hope you have a lovely time at the lakes.

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 15:04

Thanks for the replies.

The reverse made interesting reading. I hope I haven't come across as I have in that scenario. I have simply told my sister "OK, I'm disappointed but it's up to you and BIL" and left it at that.

As I said, I don't really want to go to France as I was there last week and I don't have enough annual leave for a long trip.

OP posts:
ssd · 04/11/2015 15:08

I can't understand this fascination of wanting to spend Christmas alone, with just your immediate family. My parents have died and my siblings are very distant, I'd love some family to come over on Christmas day.

But maybe the grass is always greener, no matter what you do...

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/11/2015 15:08

Me too Bakeoff This actually doesn't work as a reverse.

I am wondering though if she's been getting grief from her inlaws about not going to them?

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 15:09

If she has, I would rather she told me! And knowing my sister I think she would say if that were the case.

OP posts:
Namechangenell · 04/11/2015 15:11

But France is an option to spend time with family. I think your OP was misleading in that you said there wasn't any other family. There is - your parents and grandparents. I think it's pretty unfair that you're annoyed at your sister but not your parents. As others have said, it's not your sister's responsibility to look after you. All that said, I can't imagine not having you over for at least part of the day as you're so close. I can see why you'd be put out by that.

diddl · 04/11/2015 15:11

"I don't think the sister is any more selfish than her parents, who planned to go away because they thought one of their DDs would be at her PILs, expecting their other DD to spend the christmas without any family and not checking if she'd made plans with friends or to holiday etc. "

I agree with that as well.

I can't get the parent's logic at all there.

"We can't see one daughter so we won't see the other either"!

Does your sister usually host everyone?

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 15:16

'it's not your sister's responsibility to look after you.'

I don't think she needs looking after!

KERALA1 · 04/11/2015 15:19

Yanbu. I had newborn and toddler and loved having my then single sister to stay (parents with other dsis who gave birth Christmas Eve). We had a lovely time though she now has dh and 2 under 3 s herself!

FlowersAndShit · 04/11/2015 15:19

When it all goes tits up for your sister and she's a lone parent, don't invite her anywhere and let her spend xmas alone.

Shutthatdoor · 04/11/2015 15:19

it's not your sister's responsibility to look after you

Who has anywhere on this thread said the OP neeDS 'looking after' Hmm

She wants to spend a couple of hours with her sister not be pampered!

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 15:20

mileend

Your reverse really doesn't make it sound any better.
And Dinosaur yours only makes it sound marginally better. The sister still sounds ridiculously precious and lacking in any genuine Christmas spirit.

FlowersAndShit · 04/11/2015 15:22

I hate how single women are seen as inferior because they aren't lucky enough to have a partner/husband and children and so deserve to spend it alone. It's one fucking day a year, if you can't do that for your sibling then you are a sorry excuse of a human being.

purplefizz26 · 04/11/2015 15:24

Yanbu

She actually sounds like a selfish and heartless person.

People should put their preferences aside and try to include those who will be spending the holidays alone. They never know when the tables may be turned!

But anyway, fuck her! Plan your own lovely day Thanks