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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
cleaty · 04/11/2015 14:04

Make her Christmas exactly how she wants it to be? What you mean is she can do her own thing alone. This is not how she wants her Christmas to be.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 14:06

Is it just me who thinks the 'family unit' actually does include extended relatives, provided you get on well with and like them?

My 'family unit' consists of me, DP, DS, my siblings and their partners, my Mum, my PILS, my BIL, SIL and DN, and my Auntie and cousin.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 14:06

But I also agree the parents are in the wrong here, unless I've misunderstood the situation.

Kewcumber · 04/11/2015 14:07

There is no buck stopping! There are a bunch of adults who haven't considered that OP is going to now be alone at Christmas.

The fact that her parents didn't consider it doesn't mean her sister gets a free pass for shrugging and saying "not my problem".

It's not a particularly supportive family environment overall is it?

Original poster
chrome100 · 04/11/2015 14:08

The Glasgow plan was shelved some time ago, before the baby was born even. I hadn't thought what I'd do for Christmas before that point.

I don't think anyone should necessarily take responsibility for me, I am an adult :) I don't begrudge my parents going to France at all. I do not really want to go as I was over there last week.

As I said, my sister is entitled to do as she pleases but I do feel hurt that she can't fit me in, I can't help that.

I don't want to be all "poor me". I hope I am not being in any case! I posted because I had just been in a text message conversation with her and was pissed off.

OP posts:
Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 14:09

It's not just you maybe. I think it's very sad to see the term 'family unit' becoming more and more narrowly defined. If some MNetters have their way Christmas day will soon become a series of single people and couples eating turkey sandwiches in front of the telly, with no one else around.

Wishful I assume, in your case, you're not leaving a sibling or parent sitting alone for Christmas day.

Kewcumber · 04/11/2015 14:09

It also saddens me that so many people are happy to go down the "entitlement" route rather than make a compromise to that for a few hours on one day.

Must say its opened my eyes a bit.

Is it a nuclear family thing because as I single parent life would be pretty shit if everyone chose to do their own thing without including me and DS.

AlwaysHope1 · 04/11/2015 14:10

Your sister is a selfish cow. One day her kids might do this to her. Enjoy your time in the Lake Didtrict. And rethink going out of your way to help her again.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 14:11

'I think it's very sad to see the term 'family unit' becoming more and more narrowly defined.'

I do too. For some people on MN once they couple up and have their own kids siblings and parents seem to be on a par with someone they once worked with in 2007.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 14:12

For some people on MN once they couple up and have their own kids siblings and parents seem to be on a par with someone they once worked with in 2007.

I know! What is the deal with that - I only know one couple who are a bit like this IRL and to be honest most people just think they're weird Confused

I'm as introverted as they come but you wouldn't catch me being without my family at Christmas.

Lottapianos · 04/11/2015 14:13

'I don't want to be all "poor me". '

If you can't blow off steam on an anonymous forum, where can you?! You are completely entitled to feel hurt and let down by your sister. Yes of course, she can choose to spend Christmas Day any way she wants to but this preciousness over a baby's first Christmas is beyond me. You were more than happy to pitch in and clearly weren't expecting a great big fuss while you just sat on your bum, so I think she's being very unreasonable.

Wish I could give you a hug Smile

RB68 · 04/11/2015 14:14

She is being selfish and one day may realise but she is very inwardly focussed at the moment and it may also be to do with BIL who knows. I would def be of the "of course you can come" brigade but I am from a larger family and we are inclusive of others and conscious of the difference of having folk who are single come visit the families and be included. Even if it was for the meal and afternoon/evening depending on when meal is.

maybebabybee · 04/11/2015 14:15

I never understood why people get so weird about a baby's first Christmas anyway. They won't even remember it - much less so than a sibling being excluded for no good reason!

GlitteryRollerGirl · 04/11/2015 14:16

I've never understood why new parents get so pretentiously wanky over their baby's "first Christmas"? It's not like they have any idea whats going on and they're hardly likely to rmemeber it are they?

I'd never leave a family member on their own on xmas day. In fact I think doing so is fucking spiteful.

merrygoround51 · 04/11/2015 14:18

Seriously is her sister being selfish being honest that she just wants Xmas the 3 of them. I'm selfish as well then dc2 due in dec and we've said it will just be the four of us as we'll still be getting into new routine and won't wont to worry about additional guests or being away from home- we just want time to ourselves.

Wishful - if this results in a family member being alone on Christmas Day then yes its selfish, but if not then no

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/11/2015 14:20

My family unit is myself and my dc but my parents siblings, nieces, nephews aunts, cousins, and so on and so on are also my family. At last count there will be 20 of us sat around the table this Christmas.

Op I wonder if your sister is worried how it will look to your in laws if she includes you in Christmas since they have cancelled going to them. I hope you manage to do something fabulous for yourself and have a good time.

Badders123 · 04/11/2015 14:21

How odd.
For my pfbs first Xmas we went to pils for dinner.
I was very grateful to have someone cooking me a meal!
People get so weird about Xmas.
I do think it's very horrible that your only sibling has banned you from her home at Xmas.
I would suggest the next time she asks for anything you tell her you are busy!

Bakeoffcake · 04/11/2015 14:26

I'm glad you've booked some where nice to spend Christmas.

I just wanted to agree with the majority here, I think your Sister is being incredibly selfish and unkind. You live near each other, you help her out when she needs it, yet she can't let you come over on Christmas Day, even for a couple of hours? what the heck is wrong with people?

Pseudo341 · 04/11/2015 14:28

You're not actually a completely intolerable bitch to be around and completely making up the stuff about all the help you've given them are you? (not a serious question, in case anyone decides to take offence). I'm just utterly perplexed as to how anyone could leave their sibling alone on Christmas day unless said sibling was actually a really unpleasant person. FWIW, my eldest was the baby from hell, also born in September so not newborn by Christmas but I was still completely losing the plot. My uncle came and stayed for 4 nights because, although there were plenty of other family locally he could have stayed with, we got the invite in first, and he's family so of course he can bloody well stay from Christmas. How could you leave your sister alone on Christmas day? I mean seriously, WTF?

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/11/2015 14:29

Hope you meet some gorgeous hottie when you're on your Lakes walk OP!

LemonBreeland · 04/11/2015 14:29

It is very selfish of the sister. When DS1 was about 2 DH and I decided we would like to have a family Christmas with just the three of us. However it did not mean leaving anyone alone.

Now both my DM and DMIL have nowhere else to go at Christmas but us, so they are always invited. Even though it means my DM has to stay at our house for a few days. I would prefer she didn't as I would like a Christmas where DH and I could watch the DC open the presents just us, but I would never be so selfish to leave a family member with nobody to go to at Christmas, especially when the OP can go just for a few hours, which would give the sister some precious family time.

Shutthatdoor · 04/11/2015 14:32

I never understood why people get so weird about a baby's first Christmas anyway. They won't even remember it - much less so than a sibling being excluded for no good reason!

I completely agree. When my DSis had my eldest niece we were all at my parents for Christmas.

My parents, siblings, partners and me all got to have lots of cuddles with niece whilst my DSis and DBIL got some sleep Grin

millymae · 04/11/2015 14:37

My thoughts exactly Bakeoffcake.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/11/2015 14:38

I used to do a big 'do' on Xmas Eve for my family and Mum did the same for Xmas Day. When Mum went into a home & DB (never married, no kids & was Mum's caretaker) went into 'bachelor digs' I did both meals for the first year and decided it was just too much for me. So I said I'd do the big meal Xmas Day only. But I hated the thought of DB being alone on Xmas Eve. So now we order a pizza and he comes by for a slice and we watch TV. He's not alone, and I'm not tired and cranky.

I can understand the sister not wanting to do the whole Xmas 'thing' (dinner for a million relatives, gifts, decs, etc), but honestly, OP is her sister! I can't imagine excluding my DB from the whole day, nor would I feel like I had to 'host' him. To say that he couldn't even drop by for an hour or two with the understanding that I wasn't 'entertaining'? I'm sorry, that's just so unkind. Rather smacks of 'No room at the Inn'.

I don't understand the 'trauma' around a new mum being around family thing. The year my DS1 was born (prematurely) he was 6 weeks old at Christmas. We all had a lovely family Christmas. I reveled in all the 'ooh-ing and aww-ing' over him! My sister and aunties fought over holding him and were constantly telling me to sit and 'they'd take care of things'. I think I actually had my first meal since his birth without him attached to me on that day! I felt loved and cosseted. I saw how loved and precious my son was to our family. It was lovely.

Kintan · 04/11/2015 14:45

Do you parents know you will be alone at Christmas? What do they have to say about that? And also what did they think you were going to do while they were in France and your sister was going to be in Glasgow?