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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really understand my friend's angst re stranger stroking her baby's face

227 replies

Imogentlasting · 03/11/2015 16:12

A colleague was sitting in the reception area of a hotel a few days ago holding her baby, and a staff member admired the baby and stroked his cheek.
My friend is now incensed at a 'stranger touching my child'. I mean, she's really annoyed about it. I could understand if it was some dodgy looking drunk, or someone who was coughing and spluttering with a cold or somesuch. But this was just a normal woman working in a hotel.

AIBU to be at her attitude?

OP posts:

Sequine · 05/11/2015 07:02

Vestal I see your point but the problem with asking permission is mum may feel obliged to say yes to be polite. It's incredibly awkward to say 'no you can't touch him' or 'no I don't like strangers holding him'.
Generally, if a mum doesn't invite you to touch or hold her baby, she doesn't want you to! If one of my friends looks longingly at my baby and I'm comfortable with her handling him I will say something like 'do you want a cuddle?' Or 'feel his hair, it's so soft' and when he was under 6weeks old I had no qualms asking them to wash hands first or use anti-bac (most did so without being asked). Re people putting fingers in the baby's mouth, this is hardly different from touching baby's hands- my DS puts his hands in his mouth all the time! So yes I do cringe when strangers touch his hands or get him to grip their finger... I understand the appeal of baby hands but touching is crossing a boundary!

Re the lonely old lady scenario, what's wrong with her admiring baby, having a chat with mum etc without touching? You can share the joy of a new baby without physical contact. If mum is happy with touch she'll offer or encourage it.

Roussette · 05/11/2015 07:38

Motherofhellbeasts this comment from you sums it up for me. No, I would never want to be his world, we should raise our children to leave us, to have the strength and courage to blaze their own path in life.

Whilst we do all we can to protect our children, they are just lent to us after all, they are not ours.

Mine are all adult now and I remember even now some of the interaction from strangers on the bus, on a walk, when I took them into work. To be so insular and warding off what is almost described as 'the enemy' on this thread is so sad. Strangers are well meaning, they love babies and never in my time when they were little did I think of the words 'crossing a boundary'. If I wasn't happy I would just scurry away with the buggy or pull my baby closer but I can't even remember those times, I just remember lovely lovely people admiring and being so gentle with my babies.

And now we can't even ask? I have to look longingly and hope someone picks up on that. How very sad. My eldest adult DD absolutely loves babies, I wonder if she will ever get a chance to interract with one that isn't family before she has her own if she ever does.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/11/2015 07:47

I agree rousette it is sad, I don't generally go up to strangers babies and touch them, only if they are friends or relatives babies and I know mother will be fine with it. I dident with my nephew, as I know sil was a bit precious about that kind of thing, so I asked her. I guess this is how times have changed.

Mehitabel6 · 05/11/2015 07:50

How true Roussette.

I felt very strongly that the baby who has the laid back, friendly, sociable, mother is the lucky one. They realise the baby will make preferences clear.
I rather pity the one in the antiseptic bubble with the possessive mother treating it like a piece of valuable porcelain. They project their feelings onto a baby, who may be nothing like them.

Mehitabel6 · 05/11/2015 07:51

I took mine into my class of 9/10 year olds. Of course they touch- that is what children do. Babies love the attention.

Mehitabel6 · 05/11/2015 07:53

On one of these threads in the past someone seriously said 'would you treat a bit of valuable porcelain like that?'! As if it was anyway similar.

Roussette · 05/11/2015 08:03

I remember one of mine being passed round like a parcel at work! Now... I know I have dug myself a hole even saying that sentence because all those in the bubble will dig themselves in even further whilst shuddering.

However, I won't forget the joy my little DD brought to different work colleagues. The big boss warmed up and made faces whilst holding my baby, the elderly Accounts Manager who had never got married or had children was like a different person, her delight was a joy whilst my very precious DD cooed and smiled at her. It was a long time ago but I haven't forgotten the love and warmth in that room. I think it would have been very different if it was 'look but don't touch'.

Floisme · 05/11/2015 08:03

I think babies should be kept in display cabinets. It's the only answer.

Roussette · 05/11/2015 08:04

Mehitabel6 · 05/11/2015 08:22

Waves back!

Your baby is a person! They are not you.

They decide.
You can pass your 2 month old baby around like a parcel but you might not with a 6 month old baby- they might make it clear they don't like it.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/11/2015 08:24

Keep them in a bubble till their 18, or even better, don't take them out, in case the they get stroked by the monsters in public. I took dd into work when she was 6 months, she was passed round for all to admire. I lived being able to sit down and have a cup of tea with them. I remember when dd got a tummy bug, I was talking to the GP, he said it was good for a baby to be exposed to the environment to build up immunity.

SuckingEggs · 05/11/2015 08:25

hackmum · 05/11/2015 09:13

This is so weird I don't even know where to start.

A friendly stranger admiringly strokes your baby's cheek? What a bastard.

Sequine · 05/11/2015 10:35

Why are you assuming mums who don't like strangers touching their babies are keeping baby in an 'antiseptic bubble'? I have a big circle of friends and family who cuddle my DS regularly. I don't see how letting strangers touch him would benefit him in any way? He's a person, not a therapy-tool or a pet puppy.

If you want to pass your baby around staff-room/class-room that's fine... but equally it's fine not to! Until my DS is old enough to choose who holds/touches him, DH and I will decide for him. I'm not obsessive about hygiene but I do prefer to limit unnecessary exposure to bugs and viruses at this age. Random members of the public are therefore not welcome to touch him. Seems common sense to me.

Rousette I also love babies and before I had my own would jump at the chance to hold other people's. When I showed interest some mums offered, but I wouldn't dream of asking! Babies are very precious and many new mums feel protective, there's nothing wrong with this. It's a natural instinct.
If your adult daughter craves contact with babies I suggest she makes friends with some mums! I have no problem with trusted friends holding my baby.

SarahSavesTheDay · 05/11/2015 10:36

A friendly stranger admiringly strokes your baby's cheek? What a bastard.

SarahSavesTheDay · 05/11/2015 10:40

Sequine you have no idea what kind of bugs your trusted friends might be harbouring. If you limit exposure to people on the basis that they might be germy, you should really not allow anyone to touch your baby.

Original poster

Imogentlasting · 05/11/2015 11:05

He's a person, not a therapy-tool or a pet puppy.

Oh dear!

OP posts:

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 05/11/2015 11:12

I'm starting to not even be able to comment anymore. I'm just like this

Sequine · 05/11/2015 11:30

Sarah no of course I can't eliminate risk of him getting a bug but I can reduce it significantly. When out in public, most of my friends and family wash their hands (or use anti-bac) before holding/feeding/changing him and we wash our hands when we get home. If they don't I ask. And friends with colds stay away until they're better. Very simple measures but worthwhile to reduce risk of colds/flu when baby's so young.

Also it's not just germs. I feel uneasy about complete strangers holding my tiny baby! I just don't like it. Maybe when he's bigger things will change, but for now I don't want strangers asking to hold him (or stroking his face) when we're out! From discussions I've had with friends and threads I've read on here, it's not unusual to feel this way. I'm just surprised people don't respect physical boundaries more when it comes to babies!

Mehitabel6 · 05/11/2015 11:37

Unfortunately you have absolutely no control, unless you stay at home or take your baby out behind a rain cover. Someone will have touched them before you realise. If you meet a stranger and immediately say 'look but don't touch' you will seem a loon as the stranger gives you an odd look and says they weren't intending to.
Perhaps pin a notice to them saying 'No touching please'!

I think that you are missing the point that your old friends are just as much a stranger to the baby as someone met in the street. The baby has no clue how long you have known someone. They also have just as many germs.

Original poster

Imogentlasting · 05/11/2015 11:39

I know spice. I think some young children are in danger of being disinfected and isolated out of existence

OP posts:

SarahSavesTheDay · 05/11/2015 11:41

Sequine, I always washed my hands and asked people to wash their hands when my kids were newborns. That said, we're talking about stroking cheeks.

If you're uncomfortable with strangers handling your baby, so be it. You won't have a baby forever and trust me, you'll miss it. It strikes me as petty to deprive well-meaning strangers the joy of stroking/cooing at a baby.

Sequine · 05/11/2015 12:10

I find it odd that some people see babies as public property. You wouldn't touch an adult, dog or anything else belonging to a stranger no matter how cute and appealing it is... so why touch someone's baby? Why feel you have the right to touch him? Don't you think being respectful, and sensitive to the new mum's feelings, is more important than your desire to caress baby's warm skin? Why do you need to touch anyway, why not just coo and interact with baby or chat to the mum and wait to see if she offers you a cuddle or encourages touch?

And why should new mums care about people-pleasing? 'Depriving' a stranger of the pleasure of stroking your baby??

Mehitabel I generally find a sling quite effective at discouraging people from touching newborns. And no I can't stop strangers touching him, and when they do I bite my tongue and force a smile, but I wish they'd be more respectful and considerate!

LittleBearPad · 05/11/2015 12:25

Sequine, I would touch another adult on the shoulder or arm if the situation warranted it, I'd stroke a dog (having checked with its owner generally - less checking if he bounds over to me) or a cat I encountered in the street!

Devora · 05/11/2015 12:42

Sequine, I don't think people here are seeing children as public property, or saying their mothers' wishes should be overridden. I wouldn't touch your child without your invitation: your baby, you're in charge, I respect that. But I think a lot of us are pointing out how much we as a society lose from this growing attitude that wanting to touch someone else's baby is wierd and borderline abusive.

Incidentally, I would stroke your cat. I would pat your dog, with permission. I would touch you without permission if it felt appropriate - for example, I might touch your shoulder if I saw you crying. Maybe I'm just too touchy-feely

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