To not really understand my friend's angst re stranger stroking her baby's face

[Imogentlasting]

A colleague was sitting in the reception area of a hotel a few days ago holding her baby, and a staff member admired the baby and stroked his cheek.
My friend is now incensed at a 'stranger touching my child'. I mean, she's really annoyed about it. I could understand if it was some dodgy looking drunk, or someone who was coughing and spluttering with a cold or somesuch. But this was just a normal woman working in a hotel.

AIBU to be at her attitude?

Babies are designed to attract just this sort of attention.

This. Babies are designed to trigger protective/maternal instincts the same way a kitten is. People want to touch babies for the same reason they want to pet puppies.

That said, if you don't want people to touch your child, ask them not to. You aren't obligated to use your child as a peace offering to appease anyone. But touch and attention only benefits the baby, so you're actually helping your baby develop by letting people fuss over them and gently touch them.

I didn't let anyone touch my PFB because I was afraid she'd get sick. Ironically, she got her first virus from DH after he had been around customers at work all day and carried a bug home to her. Touching or not touching really doesn't make a difference as far as protecting from germs if you aren't isolating yourself and family completely from the outside world.

Someone did this to my baby a few weeks ago and it pissed me off. Old chap just walked over to us, didn't even make eye contact with me, baby smiled at him so the chap just stroked his face then walked off. I didn't like it at all but he is much fought for PFB and I am anxious about everything! I'd assumed everyone would feel the same as me.

Nigel, you can feel that way, no MN police will come along! Fecking odd to just walk up to a baby and do that without acknowledging the parent ??

I think she's being a bit odd.

I enjoy showing my baby off and the elderly in particular seem to love seeing a young baby. None have asked for a hold but in the right circumstances I'd let them. Touching her cheek or hand doesn't bother me at all.

The only way to really protect babies is to breast feed and that will only work on viruses that you yourself are immune to.

Really? The only way? Hmm.

Nigel

I'd be a bit at that too, to be fair. Bit odd not to acknowledge you!

Sucking I think the lack of acknowledgement pee'd me off as much as/more than the touching to be honest. If we were chatting then fair enough, a few people have taken in his hand in queues etc when we've been talking and I didn't really notice.

One of the ladies who work in my local supermarket great pfb like an old friend. She picks him up, kisses him and swings him round.

If he didn't like it, I think I'd politely tell her or to do it. PFB Is 3 though. She doesn't touch my wee baby.

I have a friend who loves to cuddle my baby and then to settle him will put her finger in his mouth rather than his dummy. Makes my skin crawl.

I think a face stroke is fine provided person looks clean and not full of cold!

I used to take mine in to an old people's home. The elderly ladies loved to touch. Win/win for all - the baby loved it.

If you think germs and viruses are spread by people touching babies faces then good luck with that train of thought..

Breast feeding does have antibodies in to protect babies but antibodies are created by the mums immune system.

I'm sure Google will help you out more if you want to dig deeper eggs and maybe since you like digging get a grip and stop digging out parts of text without the rest of it.

Well, I can see the whole germs things - person touches baby's face, baby rubs their face with their hand, sticks their fingers in their mouth ... transference is possible. But unless you get everyone you know to wash their hands (including DH) before touching the baby, the germs argument is just an excuse for being PFB-nobody-touch-my-babba.

I find the "well I wouldn't want to be touched by a stranger, so why should my baby put up with it - s/he is a person too?" argument utterly bizarre.

Yes, babies are people, but they are not the same as adults- and a bloody good thing too. I wouldn't like lying on a changing mat, naked from the waist down, while a CM wipes crap from my arse - but a baby doesn't mind. I wouldn't expect much sympathy if I lie by the checkout in Sainsburys, drumming my heels on the floor & screaming because I'm not allowed to gnaw on a packet of raw chicken, but a toddler can get away with it (just).

It is so, so sad that some parents choose to see strangers taking joy in their children as invasive. I am talking here about old ladies stroking a cheek in full view of the parent - not anything clandestine. Of course, not all attention from strangers is benign, but the great majority of people who want to interact with small children do so simply because small children are lovely.

I have no problem with people interacting with my baby, cooing to him etc I just don't want them touching him, particularly his face or hands since hand-face is how most cold/flu viruses are spread. He's only 8weeks and already has a bad cold Yes he needs to build up immunity, but while he's so young I prefer to limit his exposure to bugs, this means hand-washing, avoiding crowds, not letting strangers touch his hands and face etc.

As I've said before on this thread, I don't let strangers touch toddler DS, he chooses who to allow to touch him. He has also learnt to call on our dogs (a bit too eagerly) to intervene for him if I haven't already. There has only ever been one real incident about it, our local (in a manner of speaking) priest's wife.
She was determined to kiss DS on the lips and he didn't want her too, but she thought she'd take her chances. She ignored our eldest dog's warning snarl and tried to push past the dog (which takes some brass balls), who pinned her down and had her shrieking in fear. She didn't suffer so much as a scratch but it was awful the way that she tried to do it against DS's will despite him actually telling her to go away. I wasn't in the room at the time but our housekeeper, who is like a sister to me, was, and the lady in question has been banished from our land permanently.

Until I held DS I'd never held a living baby (only our deceased ones). He is my world but I have no desire to hold or touch anyone else's babies, I never have. I also don't like puppies or kittens though, so I'm clearly weird .

Are you in South Africa, hellbeasts?

I always loved it when people paid my children attention, touching or cooing or whatever. In the Middle East waiters will take your baby and disappear for 15 minutes.

Whilst on maternity leave I took my first baby into the school I taught at to show her off to my class of 9 year olds. They all sat still and very carefully passed her around. She was 2 months old. She was then passed around the staff room and hugged and touched. There are people on here who very very seriously need to get over themselves.

He is my world

Maybe, but you are not his world, at least not for long. He is part of a wider community and you will want them to nurture and protect him as he grows up. The feeling of warmth and benign love that most adults feel towards little children is what motivates them to protect children who are not their own. It is incredibly short-sighted to alienate people who want to be kind to your child or to threat everyone as a threat when in fact the great majority are well-intentioned (the overwhelming majority of small children who are harmed are harmed by family members, not strangers).

I'd never condone trying to kiss a child on the lips, but that is hardly the same as gently touching a baby's cheek. And I feel really sad for posters who have convinced themselves that the touch of an old lady's hand is somehow violating their child's autonomy. What is really likely to harm a child - a stroke on the face, or a community who feels no interest in his or her future?

dixie That's very true. I'm sure DS2 picked up more germs from DS1s overenthusiastic cuddles and kisses than from strangers stroking him. And let's not mention DS1 trying to feed him with the 'one spoonful for me, one spoonful for you' approach.

Wongtony no, we're not, though we lived there for quite a while.

shinynewusername our family and circumstances are very different, I would imagine, to most posters. Things which apply in the UK and which matter there simply don't here, life and attitudes are extremely different, so in truth my comment have no relevance here. No, I would never want to be his world, we should raise our children to leave us, to have the strength and courage to blaze their own path in life.

Tea fair enough that you passed your 2-month-old around a class of 9-year-olds and the staff room, but not everyone wants to do that... nor should they feel under pressure to! At my workplace people often bring in their new babies- some pass them round but many keep them in pram or sling. I've never seen anyone touch the baby or pick baby up unless invited to do so... seems to be an unspoken rule that you wait for the new mum to offer! And if she doesn't you just gaze admiringly and don't touch. Then again I work in a hospital so maybe people are more aware of infection risks.

Why don't people just ask?

That would solve the problem for everyone involved. No one would have to put up with strangers touching their baby, and no one would have to go without nice elderly ladies cooing over their baby, either.

win-win.

The mother will most likely know if her child likes to be touched or not, and as soon as the child is old enough, you can just let the child decide.

@Mother Of Hellbeasts: Cool story. I like your dog. Every child should have a dog like this.

Vestal thank you. We have three dogs (hence my username) but our eldest female in particular worships DS like a deity, they are extremely close, its amazing to watch, especially as despite being very tall for his age the top of his head isn't even close to shoulder height on her (she's a Caucasian Ovcharka).