To not really understand my friend's angst re stranger stroking her baby's face

[Imogentlasting]

A colleague was sitting in the reception area of a hotel a few days ago holding her baby, and a staff member admired the baby and stroked his cheek.
My friend is now incensed at a 'stranger touching my child'. I mean, she's really annoyed about it. I could understand if it was some dodgy looking drunk, or someone who was coughing and spluttering with a cold or somesuch. But this was just a normal woman working in a hotel.

AIBU to be at her attitude?

Touch is vital to babies but it does not need to be the touch of a total stranger. I have pictures galore with other people holding my youngest but they are my extended family, my friends, people I know. She has been held and touched by numerous people but they are not random strangers in the street who just think they can touch without okaying it first. Please do not assume that because we do not want strangers touching our children that they are deprived of love and affection.

^^ This exactly as Baroness put it.

Actually this does bother me if I think about it. It's nothing to do with cleanliness. I've got a three year olds and twin newborns so my attitude towards cleanliness is casual at best. Twins are a big talking point and lots of people want to look and ask me all manner of personal questions relating to them.
I think it somehow the touching feels like an invasion of personal space. It's fine with my older child, if she doesn't want someone to cuddle her she will tell them so and that's fine. But tiny babies can't. I wouldn't give a strange adult an unsolicited stroke on the face or cuddle so why would I do it to a stranger's baby?

However I wouldn't ever confront someone because I know it is meant in a friendly way. And I haven't felt for tone top bother getting upset about it.

Agree, Baroness.

Babies are not adults. Touch is good for them. I have never understood this line of thinking.

And yes, okay, that touch doesn't have to come from a stranger, but it also isn't harmful if it does. Stranger anxiety is a valid thing when you are older, but babies don't differentiate.

Some people comparing a stroke, which is painless and harmless, to a poke or a pinch , ffs, get a hold of yourselves!

I really do think some people over analyse everything nowadays and have become far too precious about their children. No one must touch them because it will invade their personal space, no one must tell them off because they have 'rights', no one must ask them to stand up and give an adult a seat because it will 'damage their self esteem'.

I fear for the future, I really do

I totally agree Imogen, sad sign of the times. I feel happy I was a child many moons ago, when stuff like this would be seen as ridiculous. I often got a pat on the head as a 7/8 year old child when the elderly man down the road used give us sweets, or my head ruffled by my mums friend. Never thought to shout at them, oi your invading my privacy and my personal space! to them.

Comparing yourself with a baby, not like for like at all.

Crumbs. Calm down. 'Twas ever thus. The world won't end.

I'm so glad my colleagues aren't like this.

We've just had our first office baby in ages. When mum brought her newborn in, we all gathered round as a team and passed baby around for snuggles, whilst sharing stories about the birth, and our own little ones. The new little boy is absolutely lovely, and we talked about mum and him for days afterwards.

Saying that, we do all actually like each other in our office. Doesn't sound like they do in the op.

Ah misread the OP - OP's colleague had a baby and was touched by a stranger - hotel staff.

Never mind me.

I'm perfectly cal,m sucking. Just very surprised at some people's attitudes. I don't actually think Twas ever thus. When I was growing up people often touched or stroked babies in shoips etc.

The parent should be the one asking them to stand up to give an adult a seat. The parent should be the one who is telling off a child or whoever is in charge of the child at that time. If the parent if failing then the parent needs telling not the child. Maybe the difference in views is because as a child I hated my hair being ruffled and I don't want my children to grow up believing they have to put up with things like that.

Parents often aren't around though. When I was a child the bus conductor (showing my age!) would order kids to stand up and let someone sit down. Teachers and neighbours could tell a child off if they were causing trouble without having some indignant parent huffing and puffing.

I really do think 'it takes a village to rear a child' has a huge amount of truth at its heart. That way bad parents have less space to rear badly behaved anti-social children.

The problem with the idea that only parents can tell children off, is that means we have to ignore some appalling behaviour in public that parents are doing nothing to correct. When I was young, strangers would tell you off if you were misbehaving.
There is a much stronger sense now days that a parents own their child.

imogen I agree. The attitude is more and more of "my precious little angel and their bodily / mental autonomy" trumps everyone else's rights. Every little thing "triggers" their child or causes emotional upset. You can't tell a child off now because the mum will come out screaming and squawking about how dare you tell off our Darren, ee's done nowt wrong, ee has! Now you can't even stroke a bloody baby's cheek without causing them huge present and future bodily trauma and invalidating them as human beings.

FFS.

A stroke on the cheek is fine. Putting fingers in mouths or kissing lips, not fine.

Don't start on kissing lips!

When my daughter was about two yrs old, we were walking through the town one day. One of our resident down-and-out women was delighted to see her, we stopped to chat, and she gave DD 10p and held her hand. Now, she could hardly afford to give away 10p, but she clearly thoroughly enjoyed the chat, and it would have been incredibly rude of me, I believe, to have rebuffed her.

I truly think we made that lady happy that day. Oh, and guess what! DD didn't die of any germs, 21 yrs ago!

goodnight I totally agreee. People are getting het up over a blooming stroke, its not like the colleague, kissed the baby on the lips, or put her grubby fingers in his mouth, or took the baby out of mums arms. I think people are projecting onto their children here.

This thread is madness!

I never had a problem with people touching my babies. That's what people do, in fact I loved it, and I think that's probably why my dc are pretty well balanced, socialised individuals.

Bunch of weirdos

sucking I agree about bodily autonomy, and I fully support teaching young children that areas of their body are private, or they don't have to hug Aunty Glinda if they don't want to, is totally fine.

But harmless stroking of a baby / toddler's / child's cheek is hardly going to send the child screaming into the night unless they have sensory issues (that's a whole other can of worms - I expect someone will say that EVERYONE should refrain from stroking any baby's / toddler's cheek because they might have sensory issues / ADHD / autism, etc.).

But mummy flipping her shit and going off on someone about how they shouldn't ever touch their dear DC is likely to make an issue out of nothing in the child's mind. Most kids won't think twice.

And a stranger stroking a child on their cheek doesn't automatically mean that the child won't mean that their bodily autonomy disappears or that they won't know that sexual assault is wrong, to use a dramatic for instance.

I have no problem with teachers telling a child off as I said whoever is in charge at the time but when you start talking about children not being with parents then you are talking older children not babies which is what the thread is about. I have 3 dc with hidden disabilities which all make standing for an adult difficult at times, if you ask me I will know whether they are capable at that point in time of standing they however would feel obliged to if you said anything directly to them even though it could have serious consequences. A few months ago my youngest was told off by a stranger inappropriately, my child was climbing a gate at the time, she was told not to and to get down, thing is I had already given her permission to climb the gate (my gate before anyone picks me up on that). Yes some behaviour is just out and out wrong but in those instances it is the parents who need telling or it'll just keep happening, you can tell a child off but you can't actually punish them, you can't go into depth about why it is so wrong because a random child is not going to sit and listen, pulling up parents about their childrens behaviour may make a difference as with any luck they will be embarassed and try to change things. Besides if the woman who told my daughter off had spoken to me first she would have known that my daughter wasn't doing anything wrong and I wouldn't have ended up with a very confused child.

Evans it sounded like you did know that lady so not exactly the random stranger that most of us are referring to. If I recognise someone from somewhere then fine but I don't really want accosting by total strangers.

I have 3 dc with hidden disabilities

Told ya. No one should ever ask a child to move in case they have a hidden disability. Socially unacceptable behaviour should be tolerated by everyone in case they have a hidden disability.

Yup, I'm definitely on MN.

baroness, whose gate was it? Yours?