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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really understand my friend's angst re stranger stroking her baby's face

227 replies

Imogentlasting · 03/11/2015 16:12

A colleague was sitting in the reception area of a hotel a few days ago holding her baby, and a staff member admired the baby and stroked his cheek.
My friend is now incensed at a 'stranger touching my child'. I mean, she's really annoyed about it. I could understand if it was some dodgy looking drunk, or someone who was coughing and spluttering with a cold or somesuch. But this was just a normal woman working in a hotel.

AIBU to be Confused at her attitude?

OP posts:
Roonerspism · 04/11/2015 08:25

I wish people could be less obsessed about germs. It is so boring. And evidence suggests it is making us sicker in the long term.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 08:28

Very sad some people feel like this, but yes indeed each to their own and all that. Thank god I've never encountered this reaction in real life. I only stroke familiar babies cheeks and the babies have given positive reaction, the mothers were totall relaxed about it. I was the same with my babies. No wonder people are scared to even look at a child!

FourForYouGlenCoco · 04/11/2015 08:32

Totally off topic but BaronessEllaSaturday I bloody love your name!
That's all.

Longdistance · 04/11/2015 08:34

Is the baby blonde? Was your colleague in the ME?

My dd1 is constantly touched by the ME people. Apparently blonde haired dc are lucky

SuckingEggs · 04/11/2015 08:36

Just because something doesn't bother YOU doesn't mean it's fine for the recipient.

Quite!

You lot assuming everyone ought to be just like you are sounding a little dogmatic. Not everyone thinks the way you do and parents are allowed to parent (largely) in their own way.

Live and let live, fgs.

Mehitabel6 · 04/11/2015 08:40

I find it all very sad.
We are told how wonderfully child centred Mediterranean countries are- but those people do it in their own terms and they will stroke your baby, even pick them up. We then get told how the British don't like children, but this is because mothers want it under their terms 'love my child but don't dare touch'. Not surprisingly people keep clear. The baby is the loser. The social contact is far better for them.
Adults insist on projecting onto their child. Babies don't have the same issues with personal space. This is why people won't stroke the face of an 8 yr old- they will have an issue.
Generally the baby is smiling away, loving the attention, and the mother is saying 'don't prod my baby, he doesn't like it'!

Booyaka · 04/11/2015 08:43

It is poking and prodding. You can dress it up as 'stroking' but an unsolicited and unexpected touch is a poke. And all the people saying 'Oh well if a baby doesn't like it they will let you know'. Well it will be too late then won't it? The poker will already have done their poking and if the baby doesn't like it they will be crying and upset. Nobody else is expected to have to put up with strangers fiddling with them and have to be expected to kick up a fuss to get them to stop. Why should that be the case with babies? Why should they actually have to get to the point of distress to get someone to stop? The fact that people are saying 'Oh well if they don't like it they'll cry' shows that the people doing it know they are doing something potentially distressing but they're too selfish to prioritise not distressing a baby above their own need to start prodding about a complete stranger without encouragement or invitation.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 08:46

I think it is fine if you want to keep strangers away from your baby. But the more strangers are kept away from babies and children and encouraged to stay away, the more strangers babies and children will simply be seen as annoyances.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 04/11/2015 08:46

Bookaya yes, exactly.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 04/11/2015 08:47

Booyaka sorry, autocorrect!

timelytess · 04/11/2015 08:48

No-one should touch you, or your child, unless you want them to. People shouldn't randomly assume they are entitled to touch children. Babies and children do not 'lose out' by only being touched by their main carers. They learn from this to have proper boundaries, to know their bodies are precious and their own and that they do not have to accept touch from outsiders.

cingolimama · 04/11/2015 08:57

Booyaka, if you don't understand there's a difference between "poking and prodding" and "stroking", then I feel very sorry for you.

Mehitabel, totally agree. I'm half Italian, grew up in part there, and spend time in Italy with my family whenever I can. I think there's a totally different mindset about babies and young children. They are not seen as the personal property of the parents. They are seen as precious gifts to be celebrated and fussed over by the community. Of course this can be problematic when you have a young baby and need to get anywhere quickly - it once took me 40 minutes to cross a village square! But I think the benefits to children and to society are huge.

Devora · 04/11/2015 09:06

These threads have certainly taught me a lot - it would never have occurred to me to have a problem with this till I came on MN. But ok, we live and learn, last thing any of us should want to do is to impose our wishes to touch on others' wishes not to be touched. I accept and respect the wishes of those who feel this way.

But, two things I do take issue with. One is the number of posters who have asked why on earth someone would want to touch a baby, or described that as 'wierd'. The other is this:

Babies and children do not 'lose out' by only being touched by their main carers. They learn from this to have proper boundaries, to know their bodies are precious and their own and that they do not have to accept touch from outsiders.

I think it is the most un-wierd thing in the world to want to touch babies, and I'm sorry to see it being pathologised in this way. That doesn't mean that people have the right to act on that wish, but the wish itself is completely natural and healthy. And I'm not convinced that children do not lose out by only being touched by their main carers. All of us need to feel a sense of being welcomed into the world, and babies - who lack the full range of communication - get a lot of that through touch. I've experienced, as I'm sure many of us have, my dc having pre-school teachers who wouldn't touch them, even when they were hurt or upset. I've seen my dd struggling to learn to swim because her teacher won't arrange her body in the water. I'm not convinced that the only way to keep our children safe is to keep them physically isolated.

As for germs - newborns yes, anything older and it's pissing in the wind to think that by keeping strangers at bay you significantly reduce their exposure.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 09:07

I am sure there are positives and negatives to both cultures approaches to babies and young children. But it is pointless to complain that other countries are much more baby and child friendly, without understanding that means strangers in those countries will touch and interact with your baby without permission.

Mehitabel6 · 04/11/2015 09:11

Next time I see someone reach out to touch a baby I will say that the mother wants her 3 month old to learn that bodies are precious and she is teaching boundaries. Hmm
I agree with you Devora.

cingolimama · 04/11/2015 09:15

All of us need to feel a sense of being welcomed into the world, and babies - who lack the full range of communication - get a lot of that through touch. I've experienced, as I'm sure many of us have, my dc having pre-school teachers who wouldn't touch them, even when they were hurt or upset. I've seen my dd strugling to learn to swim because her teacher wont' arrange her body in the water. I'm not convinced that the only way to keep our children saf is to keep them physically isolatd

^
this

Rachel0Greep · 04/11/2015 09:26

I've no kids, not by choice, would have loved them. I wouldn't randomly touch a baby's cheek, or hand, but I absolutely love being given the chance to cuddle one. Fortunately, I have loads of nieces and nephews, and friends with babies.
I sometimes admire a baby, or toddler, (verbally) when I'm out shopping, or in a cafe, and am never met with anything but a happy reaction, from the mum or dad.

NotEmptyNow · 04/11/2015 09:28

Laughing my leg off at an unsolicited stroke suddenly turning into a poke. I don't why but it's really tickled me imagining all these old dears going round poking babies in prams.

Mehitabel6 · 04/11/2015 09:33

At least she wasn't dirty - generally on the threads it is 'a dirty stranger'.

Original poster
Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 09:37

Wow, I'm really astonished at the responses here. I genuinely thought my colleague was being very weird.

I find it very sad that stroking a baby's cheek or hand is seen as 'invading their personal space'. My late father used to often pat a child on the head and say 'good lad' if they offered him a seat or held a door open for them. I hope people weren't saying that about him Sad

OP posts:
EnaSharplesHairnet · 04/11/2015 09:42

I am with you Op.
My son at 1 was kissed on the hand by a gent in reception in Portugal. Very old world charming IMO.

Then at 3 our taxi driver in Singapore gave him a hug after we adults had been shaking hands. That seemed lovely and natural and not a bit intrusive.
I do think sticking a finger in a baby's mouth is inexplicable though!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 09:43

I know igogen it is sad, this is the way things are going now. Due to reactions on here, people are afraid of going near children, or showing signs of affection, in case it gets misconstrued, or taken wrongly by the caregiver. Some very uptight people on here, but I guess each to their own and all that!

monkeymamma · 04/11/2015 09:43

This thread is one of the saddest things I've read on mn. Everyone loves babies and it is the most natural thing in the world. To suggest the babies need to learn 'their bodies are precious and private' is actually weird in itself.
I am actually very anxious about hygiene but even I'm not daft about strangers touching my baby - he licks the wheels of his buggy ffs! They are actually mucky little buggers once they get mobile and I actually think it's nature's way of building their immune systems.
If anyone is kind enough to pay my babies some attention or generous to admire them, I'm very very grateful. They are little for such a short time, enjoy the compliments while you can!

SuckingEggs · 04/11/2015 10:02

Completely agree that touch is vital to humans. The lack of it can cause psychological harm.

It's the context, I guess. I would gently stroke a baby's arm, or the top of his or her head (as long as my hands were reasonably clean)! But I'd not stick a finger in their mouth - vile.

hairbrushbedhair · 04/11/2015 10:04

I wouldn't do it to someone's baby and hated it when DS was smaller, I know of someone who thinks it was because someone touched their baby randomly in the street that they got meningitis and nearly died. Whether it's rational or not, ever since they told me about that, I got petrified when strangers would touch DS.

I don't think it's any hardship to avoid touching other people's babies unless they're offered up to you to hold tbh