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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really understand my friend's angst re stranger stroking her baby's face

227 replies

Imogentlasting · 03/11/2015 16:12

A colleague was sitting in the reception area of a hotel a few days ago holding her baby, and a staff member admired the baby and stroked his cheek.
My friend is now incensed at a 'stranger touching my child'. I mean, she's really annoyed about it. I could understand if it was some dodgy looking drunk, or someone who was coughing and spluttering with a cold or somesuch. But this was just a normal woman working in a hotel.

AIBU to be Confused at her attitude?

OP posts:
TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 04/11/2015 07:49

The other thing I don't understand about this is why anyone would want to touch a child or baby who doesn't want that touch. Why force that on anyone else? Why should your desire to touch trump the desires of someone who may be less able to protest? That's what I find sad and quite sick tbh.
Nobody had any right to touch anyone anyone else, regardless of age, without their freely given permission, as someone who's been through childhood and adult sexual abuse its something I feel very strongly about.

Jw35 · 04/11/2015 07:50

Omg I stroked a baby's cheek at toddler group on Monday! It didn't even occur to me it could upset the mum! She let me hold him anyway so obviously it didn't. I asked to hold him but not to stroke his cheek!
I have a 10 month old. I don't mind people stroking her cheek, patting her head etc. babies are different to adults, they don't need 'personal space' try need lots of affection! I wouldn't put fingers in a babies mouth that's a bit odd!

Roussette · 04/11/2015 07:55

There is hope It is only this view on MN that makes human interaction and touch such a heniously awful thing. Back in the real world, within reason, you could just touch a baby's soft little plump cheek without feeling you have committed a crime. Common sense prevails outside of MN.

Disclaimer - I would not do this to a newborn with a Mother I didn't know. I would not approach any stranger's baby and do this. I would not invade someone's personal space. I would not sticky my fingers in a baby's mouth. But if a colleague brought her baby into work, yes I would stroke the baby's cheek.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 07:57

I agree, it was a little stroke, harmless. The baby would not be hurt or offended by it, but only the precious mother! Human interaction is important, that is includes physical too, no different to a pat on the shoulder or arm. I don't mind, but I am quite easy going thank goodness.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 07:58

I have never ever encountered it in real life, only on Mumsnet I am afraid.

looksamess · 04/11/2015 08:00

You should be especially careful about touching the head. It's a fairly inoffensive gesture around the UK, but it's a big no in other cultures!

Just because something doesn't bother YOU doesn't mean it's fine for the recipient. If a complete stranger like me strokes your face (or a work colleague), would you be happy about it? Same thing for my baby, it's easy.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 08:00

themother I think your experiences Mabey have affected how you feel, but it is totally out of proportion.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 08:01

Yes only on mumsnet, the reactions of some really support that!

looksamess · 04/11/2015 08:02

Back in the real world well, this is the real world, but some people are maybe too polite (or too shy) to tell you face to face that they are really uncomfortable or unhappy about you touching their kid.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 08:09

I don't see the angst. Babies are people, and clearly tell you if they are happy to be touched or not. Babies like lots of things that adults don't, so not really comparable.

JessicaTreuhaft · 04/11/2015 08:10

Aerofloat, are you thinking that because I dodnt let total strangers touch my child that she didnt get plenty of love affection and awareness of people from her family and friends ? My dd is 8 now and I sure as hell still think im ok with her not hav9ng been stroked by people wholly unconnected to us.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/11/2015 08:11

Aeroflotgirl the person who stroked the babies face was a stranger to the op and the mother, it is the mother who is the work colleague of the op not the stroker. I'm with those saying what gives someone the right to touch someone else without permission. Babies are people in their own right not public property. Would I say something if someone did it? No but that doesn't mean I'd like it.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 04/11/2015 08:12

aero undoubtedly, we are all a product of our experiences. I don't let it worry or stress me though, I let the dogs deal with it. DS will soon lash out or shriek when he doesn't like it too, he did from when he was a newborn.

maxxytoe · 04/11/2015 08:13

I wouldn't want my baby touched by a random stranger just like how I wouldn't want a random stranger do it to me.

KeyserSophie · 04/11/2015 08:15

This is a classic example of misallocation of one's lifetime allocation of "fucks given". Dont waste them, people.

Roussette · 04/11/2015 08:15

As I explained, looksamess, I would not walk up to a stranger's baby and stroke it on the bus for instance. Probably because I've all I have read on MN.

However, if a work colleague brought their baby in to show off, yes I would. I dont think that is a crime. It's happened. I've done it. My NDN has had a baby, I held the gorgeous little girl's hand whilst bending over and cooing at her. NDN mum beamed at what I was saying and then asked me round for coffee. That tells me she wasn't offended and writing on MN about her awful NDN (me) who dared to touch her baby.

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 04/11/2015 08:15

I should add, where we live things are harsher, so provoke a mother and you expect to have the wrath of Hades on you, trespass on property and get set upon by dogs or shot. I disagree that protecting your child in then way you see fit is disproportionate.

Sallystyle · 04/11/2015 08:16

It wouldn't even cross my mind to care.

Booyaka · 04/11/2015 08:17

I don't like it either, again, because they are a small person and I don't think they should put up with being poked and prodded by all and sundry just because they feel like it. I wouldn't like total strangers stroking me, why on earth would I think it was okay for my baby. I will tolerate it if somebody is obviously unwell, eg Alzheimer's. But at the same time, they are are not a therapy tool, they are are a human being.

People always think they are the one special person who deserves a poke and a prod, but can you imagine if everyone did it? It's not nice.

Mehitabel6 · 04/11/2015 08:17

If people treated the baby as a person and not a possession there wouldn't be a problem - the baby knows what it likes or doesn't like and is very clear about it!

KeyserSophie · 04/11/2015 08:19

I should add, where we live things are harsher, so provoke a mother and you expect to have the wrath of Hades on you, trespass on property and get set upon by dogs or shot

Sounds lovely. there must be a booming tourist industry

Sallystyle · 04/11/2015 08:22

And no, I wouldn't like it if someone done it to me. However, I haven't seen many babies (if any) who are offended by someone touching their cheek.

The last baby's cheek I touched gave me a lovely beaming smile. Don't think she cared at all. Babies don't, it's the precious mothers.

Sallystyle · 04/11/2015 08:23

Who the hell is poking and prodding babies? Hmm

Only1scoop · 04/11/2015 08:23

Sounds like a wonderful place to bring up DC.

cleaty · 04/11/2015 08:24

And in countries that are very child friendly, strangers will give your baby a cuddle without asking permission.
Where strangers can only have contact with a child or baby through a parent, strangers will feel more distance from babies and children.