Screaming row because DH made my dinner... AIBU?

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I was out all day on a course. The course info was misleading so I told DH that I'd either finish at 5pm or 8pm but wasn't sure. I also told DH where it was, and he was fully aware that it was a 2.5 hour drive away.

So, I found out when I got there that the course wouldn't be ending until 8pm, but I didn't text DH. Fair cop, that was my fault. I forgot. We're both used to working away and it just slipped my mind. We have no DCs and we just get on with it.

DH texted me at 7:30, but I was away from my phone (he knew that the course I was on would mean some time doing a physical activity so there would be no phones). I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

At 9pm, he texted to ask how far away I was. I replied at 9:20 to say I had stopped at a service station and was having food there. I was with colleagues and wasn't driving, so I wasn't in control of where we stopped and for how long.

He replied "I'll put your dinner in the bin then". I sent lots of replies, but he never responded. Then when I got home we had a blazing row. He said I should have told him I was planning on 'going out for dinner'. I told him that stopping en route at a service station, and realising that everyone else was going to eat so I'd better eat a takeaway burger was NOT in any way pre meditated 'going out for dinner'.

So I think there are two faults here:

1. I was unreasonable not to tell him sooner that I would be finishing at 8. I should have told him when I found out, but I didn't.

1. When he found out I'd finished at 8:10, he was totally unreasonable to then assume I'd be home in less than an hour (he knew where I was, but he said he 'forgot' and conjured up a different location in his brain), make my dinner, then get in a huff when I wasn't there to eat it. Then get in a further huff that I'd 'gone out for dinner' when I'd eaten at a service station.

AIBU to totally lose my rag with him because I've had a long hard day, was looking forward to telling him all about it, but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?

Did you KNOW he was going to have a meal ready for you when you got home?

I totally agree with ThreeBean.

You were a bit of a dick to not let him know when you finished. He was a dick for making you dinner that you were unlikely to be home in time to eat, and then threatening to throw it away. It's a minor argument at this point.

But then to scream at him like a banshee, to the extent that your throat hurts later, and to blame him for not engaging and talking it out like you wanted too when you yourself have just praised him for not rising to the bait and walking away when you are hormonal, that's not right.

If it is PMT that's causing this, you need to get help for it. It's a few steps away from being abusive. An argument as minor as this doesn't require that much screaming at all.

While you're looking at medical options, it's probably worth evaluating your temper, too. Find tactics that don't involve screaming, or requiring someone to engage when they don't want too.

I was on your side till I read this

"I'm a talker - the absolute worst thing someone can do when arguing with me is walk away or shut down. That's when I lose it."

so if someone needs space, you lose it and scream to the point that you are hoarse the following day?

Wow. I don't think much of the pair of you.

Sounds like you need to work on your arguing style - both of you.

But oh, you're brave to show yourself in anything other than a pearly white light on here!

Ignore the leaping on top of you, the over the top judgements and damnation. You'd be forgiven for thinking that all posters are examples of perfection.

and your title of "screaming row" - it sounds like he was an idiot, yes, but was perfectly ready to move on and then you created a screaming row. and now you're complaining about it.

Miscellaneous I am by no means perfect and I have had some really stupid arguments with DH in the past, it's easily done and bound to happen on occasion in a long term relationship. We can all be idiots in fights sometimes and overreact.

But if I woke up with a sore throat from screaming and screaming at my husband over what is really a minor dispute, I would be feeling pretty horrified with myself and looking hard in the mirror to work out what on earth had led me to behave like that. I would hope that if my DH's throat was physically painful from screaming at me he would do the same. I think that is massively over the top and unhealthy, it is not an appropriate way to treat another human being.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that all posters are examples of perfection.

Can't actually find a post on here that actually says that.

I am actually divorcing my H for exactly the yelling etc as OP has described.

It is absolutely awful being yelled at to the point where someone gets a sore throat.

If the OP is like this with PMT every month then he is no doubt walking on egg shells not knowing if this sort of thing will happen.

It ia also controlling to say if he had sat dowe and talked like I wanted That the screaming wouldn't have happened

nottoday - excellent point. That thing about being examples of perfection, no, of course not, but I don't shout at people like that. I can't imagine shouting at someone - unless they'd murdered my best friend or something?! - till my throat hurt. My parents are shouters but good grief, they never did that.

quite right to divorce your DH for that. Must be such a horrible experience having someone do that to you.

Been there, done that, more than once, just blips in a long and happy marriage.

Very few people can be well behaved all the time. Make allowances for each other and move on. It's not a disaster, just a bad day.

My STBX did this, I was at a sporting event in Liverpool, kept him up to date all day, messaged him at about half 4 to say we hadn't left yet but would be soon so we'd be home in about 3/3.5 hours and getting food on the way.

Got back and he'd bought loads of expensive ingredients for a lovely meal?!? Claimed he didn't realise I wouldnt want dinner (even if we'd eaten as soon as we'd left the earliest I'd have easten would have been 5 so how he imagined I'd want a huge meal again about 8 I couldn't fathom!

Thus ensued a huge argument about how ungrateful I was and I felt like i totally ambushed! Basically he did it to cause an argument to show how unreasonable I was because he hated me doing this sport. Tosspot.

Was it O&G platform training?

HWBU, by the way. I think he knew what he was doing - the 730pm text gives it away. He was sulking because you were with men and he was jealous and thought he'd create a situation where he could take his issues out on you.

My DH once came home 5 hrs later than promised, because one after works drink had turned into a session (before mobiles so no idea where he was). His dinner ended up in his shoes.

Is not cool to throw a tantrum because you weren't home for dinner in these circumstances. Disappointment perhaps, but a tantrum is a bit much. And yes, you should let your loved ones know your plans si they don't worry.

He cooked for you. You stopped for dinner with other people and didn't have the courtesy to call, (not text, call), as soon as you finished and chat to him and sort out dinner. He'd tried to get in touch with you earlier and possibly thought you were already driving so started the dinner.

You shouted so much your throat is sore
You use being pre-menstrual as an excuse as if all women are mad for a week every month and that's our excuse
You blame him - your rage is his fault for trying to avoid the shouting by removing himself
His sin was sending a "passive-aggressive" text - that deserves your rage
This is abusive and controlling behaviour

If this thread was the other way round and it was you at home making a dinner, and it was him out and 'forgot' to text to tell you a rough time when he'd be home, and then ate out at BK in a service station on the way home I bet the responses would be a lot different.
Got to love MN double standards sometimes!

Reading that back, makes out I'm accusing all MN of being double standards.
Oops. I'm not. Just meant some of the posters on the first page.

He didn't start cooking dinner until after I'd texted, after 8.

That would be because you'd said....

I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

You'd told him you would be leaving soon, so hardly a great presumption to mean you would be home by the time (or not too long after) he'd cooked a whole dinner!

(we usually eat late

So not totally unreasonable of him to cook a dinner at that time then as you usually eat late anyway.

It's you being unreasonable. Massively so. Sorry.

he baited me
if he had sat down and talked like I wanted I wouldn't have screamed at him
my throat is sore from screaming

If a man had written this about his wife people would be up in arms.

Just catching up with the latest pages, and glad to see I'm not the only one who's spotted the double standards.
Up until here I'd only seen "Don't have kids with this manchild! OWN your DNA!" "LTB!" "BURRRRRRRN HIM!" (OK, I paraphrased the last one

We were shouters. The we had ds and now we're not. Having to set an example forces you to think about your behaviour and we both now tend to walk away, give each other space to calm down and then talk sensibly. My parents were shouters and I'm fairly sure I learned my early behaviour from them. I was adamant I didn't want ds exposed to that. Op the sooner you learn to walk away and give your dp some space the better. The sooner your dp learns to open up and talk sensibly also the better.

Incidentally I was late home last night. Dh re-heated my dinner for me. There were no cross words.

He is SO unreasonable. You were at a work thing and you forgot to text, he cooked, big deal. If that was DP and me it would've been put in the fridge in Tupperware for lunch / tomorrow and nothing else said. He cooked you food, he didn't single handedly build Rome.

DW did this to me the other weekend - she was out on Saturday night, stayed with a friend, and had suggested a roast Sunday lunch. So I spend Saturday night preparing the bird, the whole of Sunday morning cooking, then DW texts to say she won't be home till nighttime, AFTER everything has been cooked. So our Sunday 'lunch' ended up being at 6pm.

There was no screaming row, but I was extremely pissed off.

I think he's been unreasonable with the reaction, but you were both in the wrong.

Murdock, that's not remotely what happened though. She didn't ask him to cook and he knew in advance that she might be very late, plus he cooked a quiche.

I'm not going to bother correcting all of the posters who have (willfully?) mis-read my words but just wanted to come back to tell you that I haven't LTB

We ate the food the next day, with some extra veg to bump it up to be enough for 2. I'm calm, DH is lovely.

All is well with the world

This is just bloody weird. My husband travels a lot for work and this kind of thing happens all the time. I just put his dinner in the fridge or freezer, he can have it when he gets back, or if he eats en route, he can have it the next day or something.

This is really, really odd.

I just cant believe anyone eats at burger king. Sadly theres no vomiting emoji