Screaming row because DH made my dinner... AIBU?

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I was out all day on a course. The course info was misleading so I told DH that I'd either finish at 5pm or 8pm but wasn't sure. I also told DH where it was, and he was fully aware that it was a 2.5 hour drive away.

So, I found out when I got there that the course wouldn't be ending until 8pm, but I didn't text DH. Fair cop, that was my fault. I forgot. We're both used to working away and it just slipped my mind. We have no DCs and we just get on with it.

DH texted me at 7:30, but I was away from my phone (he knew that the course I was on would mean some time doing a physical activity so there would be no phones). I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

At 9pm, he texted to ask how far away I was. I replied at 9:20 to say I had stopped at a service station and was having food there. I was with colleagues and wasn't driving, so I wasn't in control of where we stopped and for how long.

He replied "I'll put your dinner in the bin then". I sent lots of replies, but he never responded. Then when I got home we had a blazing row. He said I should have told him I was planning on 'going out for dinner'. I told him that stopping en route at a service station, and realising that everyone else was going to eat so I'd better eat a takeaway burger was NOT in any way pre meditated 'going out for dinner'.

So I think there are two faults here:

1. I was unreasonable not to tell him sooner that I would be finishing at 8. I should have told him when I found out, but I didn't.

1. When he found out I'd finished at 8:10, he was totally unreasonable to then assume I'd be home in less than an hour (he knew where I was, but he said he 'forgot' and conjured up a different location in his brain), make my dinner, then get in a huff when I wasn't there to eat it. Then get in a further huff that I'd 'gone out for dinner' when I'd eaten at a service station.

AIBU to totally lose my rag with him because I've had a long hard day, was looking forward to telling him all about it, but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?

I've spent all day as the only woman in a group of 19 men, I was injured and felt vulnerable and weak... and I'm knackered and I just wanted to tell him all about it and have a cuddle

I would suggest that you close MN, finish your tea and go to bed. Tell him that you dont want to keep arguing and that you can carry on the screaming tomorrow if needs be but that right now.......I've spent all day as the only woman in a group of 19 men, I was injured and felt vulnerable and weak... and I'm knackered and I just wanted to tell him all about it and have a cuddle

He sounds needy and high maintenance. It's just a meal, did he want accolades for making it?!

People say you should have texted. Well, he could just as well have texted "dinner will be ready at 9:15" this alerting you of the issue.

What did he make btw?

No I definitely could have texted him before I got in the pool, but I just forgot because I was rushing around.

But yeah he's definitely a selective listener. I definitely told him where the course was, and he claims he thought it was in a completely different (closer) city which I certainly never mentioned.

I'm in bed now, he's asleep.

Yeah, I agree he could have texted me to ask if I wanted diner. At which point I'd have said don't be ridiculous, I'm still 1.5hrs away.

Dinner was quiche and veg. He didn't chuck it in the bin, I'll have it tomorrow.

I think he is a complete idiot! !

A tool, and a needy twat.

YANBU you replied at 8.10 you were 2.5 hrs away you're not hoing to be home an hour later.
However your DH probably was trying to be nice but he failed.

I do regularly text my DH if he's late for dinner usually gossiping with his friend that im off to buy a dog and feed his dinner to it.

Hmmm. Sometimes people do something nice for you, not to be nice but to extend a bit of a guilt trip.

His nice gesture was nonsensical on every level as he started cooking knowing full well you wouldn't be home early enough to eat it. But he had a good reason to get cross then didn't he?

He also conveniently forgot the location, the pool etc. did he forget you were the only female? He blamed your colleagues though so he knows you were with males?

My hunch says this is his passive aggressive way of being a possessive git and making you think twice about long days at work.

Personally, I'd be very wary.

Heh, I love you lot. I thought you'd all rip me apart for screaming at poor DH who just tried to do something nice for me.

Yeah Aussie you're on to something there. He's really not possessive, and he's lovely. But he definitely was being passive aggressive here - with the text saying he'd binned my diner then ignoring my subsequent texts. But yeah, the whole making dinner knowing full well I wouldn't be there to eat it could also be part of that.

And yes, he blamed my colleagues. He has form for this, he generally thinks they're "fucking idiots" as he called them today. I do get frustrated with them sometimes and slag them off to him, but then he blames them for everything. It really had nothing to do with them today, the course organisers and myself were the only ones to blame for the lack of communication. But he tried to blame them for not planning when we would be having dinner. As if a bunch of lads think any further than 'we'll drive for a bit' then stop and go 'ooh KFC!'

He didn't know I was the only female. He knew I was going with some guys from work, but I didn't know until I got there whether there would be any other women on the course. It's fine by me, but yeah I'm not sure how he feels about it.

YANBU ... Sounds like he set you up to fail OP.

Did he make the quiche?

But he was being petty I think and punishing me for my lack of communication and just for generally being out at work.

Punishing you for being out at work?!

Really?

So you provide a meal service for him 99% of the time, but he manufacturers a meal and a completely pointless row when you have the audacity to spend the day with some men you work with?

Quiche is something you don't put on until you know what time the meal will be served. It is also normally eaten warm rather than hot and reheats well.

Did he make it himself? Or just stick it in the oven? If the latter, he is fussing over a ready meal.

He calls stopping for a Burger King in a motorway sevices "going out for dinner" because he is jealous and possessive.

Never have children with this man.

Even if he did make the quiche; they can quite easily go in a fridge and a text 'there is dinner here for you if you still feel like eating' is a much less guilt trippy response than the one the OP got.

OP - he knew that it finished at 5 or 8, anyone with an iota of sense would assume 8 if not back earlier.

I don't believe him when he says he didn't remember it being 2.5 hours away, otherwise he would have contacted you at 6 not at 7:30 - which is surprisingly 2.5 hours after 5 which is one of the times you said the course would end. He is lying.

I cannot believe anyone is saying you are unreasonable! He knew there was a possibility you would be really late, plus I'm assuming you are a grown woman and not a tiny child?

A normal response would be to just say okay, I'll put the meal in the fridge. Why the dramatic response? Is he normally a controlling person or was this just an off day?

But he was being petty I think and punishing me for my lack of communication and just for generally being out at work.

Yep, I'm amazed only Bathtime has picked up on this - the end of this sentence is very telling.

Heh, I love you lot. I thought you'd all rip me apart for screaming at poor DH who just tried to do something nice for me

But he didn't do something nice for you, this was always gonna be a test you were going to fail. I think he engineered the entire situation to make you feel guilty.

Lovely people often are quite passive aggressive. That's why it's called passive aggressiveness. They're not comfortable being all out nasty, so they dress it up as reasonably as possible so they can still feel like a nice person.

I think there was probably some other reason for his rotten mood. Quite likely something to do with being annoyed that you were on the course, or something like that.

I'd be hugely unimpressed with antics like that.

I make dinner about 99% of the time

The solution is for him to start making dinner more often so he is less precious about it

YWBalittleU not to text, but HWBmuchmoreU to be pissed off you weren't home to eat a meal he knew / should have known you wouldn't be home to eat. I think Aussie may have it.

He also knew exactly where you were and how long it would take to get home, because he texted you at half seven which is just about when you were reasonably expected to be home had the course finished at five. So I don't at all believe his excuse that he had no idea it was going to take such a long time for you to get home.

Is he the clingy, jealous, insecure type? Because he shouldn't have been sitting at home counting the hours just because you were out with work for the day.

Well, the thing is, (let's assume your husband was trying to do something nice) he won't make you dinner again when you're out like this and then you'll be possibly coming on here complaining in "I was at a training event and didn't get home until 9pm, DH didn't even save me any dinner! He cooked for himself and didn't even think of me!!"

He was passive aggressive in making dinner for you knowing there was a good chance you wouldn't be home to eat it.

He was old-fashioned aggressive to text you about throwing your dinner in the bin and accusing you of "going out for dinner".

A whole lot of aggression going on.

How is he about your work at other times?

Meh, I've cooked dinner lots of times only for DH to stay at work late, grab a pizza with colleagues, get a burger on the way home or simply not being hungry to eat it.

I don't see what the big deal is and why it should turn into a row. The most I've ever done is pout a bit and put it in the fridge.
Yanbu. But you shouldn't have screamed at him either, hormonal or not.

Happy to see someone else picked up on texting time.

They always slip up somewhere.

He's got issues about something and he needs to own them and discuss it with you properly rather than being stupid and petty about it.

Also glad someone else has picked up on jealousy issues regarding being out at work with, gasp, other men.

Ugh I can't stand this sort of crap. I'd be looking out for other red flags, because he doesn't actually seem that lovely to me.